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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think dmil is being but lazy for ds bday

60 replies

CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 10:06

Spoke to mil today who asked if da wanted any toys for his bday in feb. we said that he had a got a lot for chrimbo so maybe clothes or something else.Her reply was just. 'il give you £50 and u get them' I was a bit surprised as for a first birthday I thought maybe she might want to look around and buy something specific. What annoys me further is for her Other grandchild (not yet born) she has bought sil all sorts of things and gone put and chosen clothes gifts etc.

She has never babysat for us and possibly feed ds one bottle. Yet she has already offered to baby sit Sil baby in feb which will
Be anniversary of them loosing a baby. This has annoyed me as she has always said she is too unwell and wants her elipsey meds to be sorted which they have been but she has still never offered to babysit my ds and doesn't do much with him.

Am I just a moaning ninny or is all this just a bit annoying!?!?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/01/2012 10:11

YABU from what you have posted so far. You know better than her what clothes you need/prefer.

Why not invite her to go out shopping with you and your child, then she can pick things that you also like.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/01/2012 10:13

Maybe she is babysitting for sil on that anniversary, because sil and her dh need some time to themselves to mark the loss.

I think that in offering you money, she is trying to ensure that your ds gets something he needs. I think that in buying for an unborn baby (where there are no older siblings), you are pretty much guaranteed to be buying something of use to the parents because they don't already have all the baby kit.

I would see how things go once the sil has her baby. A few years down the line, you will be able to see if treats both dgc equally.

JustHecate · 12/01/2012 10:14

Is your sil her daughter?

Who losing a baby? your sil or your mil?

NinkyNonker · 12/01/2012 10:23

I think Yabu. £50 is a lot for a 1yr old birthday, and her offer to babysit to mark a loss sounds lovely, I'm not sure you could begrudge them that.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/01/2012 10:25

YABU - she asked if he wanted toys and you said he had loads for xmas...so she is giving our money instead...£50 very generous too!

I presume SIL is her daughter...of course she is going to be more involved! She is being very kind babysitting your SIL so her and her DH can go out on the anni of losing their baby - you sound VERY jealous, not a nice quality at all.

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 12/01/2012 10:26

£50, I'd bite their hand off. Get them to buy clothes and they might buy something god dam awful.

If she is unwell and is not stable or her epilesy meds do you really want her to babysit?

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/01/2012 10:26

Yabu

Kayano · 12/01/2012 10:29

How dare she offer to babysit so SIL can mark the loss of her hold and not offer for you ?

YABU but I suspect there is more to this that may be dripped in... Sad

TheScaryJessie · 12/01/2012 10:59

I think you want us to tell you you're being unreasonable, don't you?

StrandedBear · 12/01/2012 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nagoo · 12/01/2012 11:17

you are a moaning ninny.

scurryfunge · 12/01/2012 11:20

Ninny

goinggetstough · 12/01/2012 11:22

I think the OP is getting rather a hard time. She didn't say that it was wrong for her MIL to babysit for the new baby on that particular anniversary. She said that she thought it wasn't really fair as the mil had always said that she was too unwell.
I am not sure though that unfair is the correct word and maybe sad would have been better word. It does though make for problems when grandchildren are favoured more by grandparents than the other. The DC don't notice when they are babies but IME they notice when they are older.
Of course it is preferable to have present bought for a first birthday even if it is with suggestions from the mother. However at least she hasn't forgotten and you can buy some lovely presents with her 50 pounds. So I'd just move on..

otchayaniye · 12/01/2012 11:23

moaning ninny.

i didn't really buy anything for my first child's birthday. they don't. 'get' birthdays. so her offer of 50 pounds for you to get something useful is actually generous

re babysitting, i think their need trumps yours. and besides, it's not a right

redridingwolf · 12/01/2012 11:24

£50 is very generous and it's nice to be able to choose the clothes yourself.

the anniversary of losing a baby is a very traumatic thing and MIL is being very thoughtful about that

It is much easier to babysit/choose things for your own daughter than your DIL as you know their tastes better and know they will speak up if they're bothered by anything.

You are being VERY unreasonable and unpleasant.

NinkyNonker · 12/01/2012 11:25

She may feel she is too unwell for normal babysitting, but few this occasion is such that she is prepared to do it anyway. Which sounds reasonable to me AMD necessarily a mark of favouritism.

prettyfly1 · 12/01/2012 11:26

You dont sound very nice actually - are you really envious that she is going to babysit on the anniversary of their babies loss? How dreadful. Of you.

Pancakeflipper · 12/01/2012 11:30

I'd be delighted if my MIL said she'd give me £50 and I got to pick the clothes. You see it as lazy - perhaps she thinks she is being thoughtful in letting you chose something that you really like and with that amount perhaps buy something special.

Her babysitting for SIL - has SIL asked her to babysit? Do you actually ask or do you do vague hints?

Have you got a good relationship with MIL? Has SIL got a good relationship with MIL - is it better than what you have and do you feel a bit pushed out?

These relationships are not going to completely equal and everyone being treated exactly the same. Don't compare. It makes you bitter.

upahill · 12/01/2012 11:31

She said that she thought it wasn't really fair as the mil had always said that she was too unwell.

She may still be unwell but maybe pushing herself to do this on the anniversary of a sad loss. THe MIL sounds sensitive tbh.

I was a bit surprised as for a first birthday I thought maybe she might want to look around and buy something specific. Why? Sounds very PFB.
£50 is very very generous.

I have no clue to what my two got for their first birthdays - very little I think!!

Therefore YABU and mean spirted.

TroublesomeEx · 12/01/2012 11:33

YABU and difficult to understand.

Your MIL has given you £50 for your Ds's birthday present and has recognised that the anniversary of the loss of her other grandchild will be difficult on the parents and has offered to babysit... the new baby... (have I even understood that right?!)

What a bitch. Hmm

Original poster
CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 11:33

Not just the babysitting for the anniversary which obviously is very kind baby is not yet born and may possibly be only 3 weeks at that time, When our ds was the same age she would not even change him or feed him as he was 'too small'

She has also said she will be babysit while sil looks for a job - neither sil not her partner work and haven't for several years. They are both 22.

The main think that annoys me is that she is happy to babysit a tiny newborn but isn't happy to return the favour or cen be left with ds while we nip to local shop for milk etc and this has been case since he was born. The whole of that side family have bought for this unborn baby but this was not the case for ds.

She wouldn't come in to town to shop she does this with sil once a week but wouldn't with myself and dp.

My dp finds the whole thig annoying and has alway felt she is the favoured child she is also 7 years younger then dp. Nothing they do is wrong but I'm constantly questioned about going back to work as they don't work.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/01/2012 11:38

Are you going to raise your children with the same jealous, bitter resentment that you hold inside?

If so, you'll cause a divide between cousins just to add to the whole sorry situation.

It's not terribly unusual for a Mother to be closer to her daughter during her pregnancy and impending birth...particularly if that daughter has lost a baby and is 7 years younger than her brother.

Are you close to your parents OP, or are you relying totally on your inlaws to feel the same way about you as they do their daughter?

Original poster
CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 11:40

Goingetstough - thank you that is exactly the point I was getting at probably has come out a bit rubbish.

I don't begrudge them the babysitting on the anniversary but I too have a very sad anniversary as my mum died at the end of jan 3 years ago (i was 23) and her funeral was on feb 13th - this is also the date ds was born (2 years later) so its a difficult time and v hard on my dfather. I often feel I have I just carry on where as dsil gets all the support she could ever ask for.

I do take the point about the money just hurts a bit that she picks specific things for unborn grandchild and never has done that for ds it's always been cash gifts.

Sorry if I wasnt clearer. Sad

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/01/2012 11:44

But maybe she pics for her daughter's child because she's confident of her daughter's taste in clothing?

I doubt she'd be as confident in her son's taste in baby clothing, or would she? And even if she was, it might not be the same as your taste.

Floggingmolly · 12/01/2012 11:48

You have been clear, and you are still being very unreasonable.

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