Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to think dmil is being but lazy for ds bday

60 replies

CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 10:06

Spoke to mil today who asked if da wanted any toys for his bday in feb. we said that he had a got a lot for chrimbo so maybe clothes or something else.Her reply was just. 'il give you £50 and u get them' I was a bit surprised as for a first birthday I thought maybe she might want to look around and buy something specific. What annoys me further is for her Other grandchild (not yet born) she has bought sil all sorts of things and gone put and chosen clothes gifts etc.

She has never babysat for us and possibly feed ds one bottle. Yet she has already offered to baby sit Sil baby in feb which will
Be anniversary of them loosing a baby. This has annoyed me as she has always said she is too unwell and wants her elipsey meds to be sorted which they have been but she has still never offered to babysit my ds and doesn't do much with him.

Am I just a moaning ninny or is all this just a bit annoying!?!?

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 11:49

Possibly but to be honest myself and sil have similar taste and she seen ds many times to see what sort of things he wears. I think just the thought behind her actually choosing something for dp would mean so much and most baby clothes are lovely really. It wouldn't have to be clothes even just anything that she went and picked out instead of always cash would be nice. Maybe I am just jealous of the mother daughter bond over babies that I can't have.

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 12/01/2012 11:51

I do know some of what you are feeling. My MIL is amazing with BIL's son, he stays over and they take him day trips out every weekend etc and our kids are invisible. But they are not going to change.

You have to stop comparing, you will end up bitter. Look at your relationship with MIL and be honest with yourself - what are the positives? Don't look for negatives. Focus on those things and things you both have in common and enjoy etc. I am presuming you all live quite close by?

Don't look at MIL and SIL's relationship. But look at SIL and your relationship. If you cannot stand the sight of her then you step away. But if you like her then you have the opportunity to build a relationship with being mummies as your common ground.

Original poster

CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 11:53

Thanks pancake - that's true I do really like her and don't be grudge her anything just a shame it's not equal but guess it's not my place to say anything. Thanks for the change in perspective.

OP posts:

Chestnutx3 · 12/01/2012 11:54

Sorry get used to her favouring her daughter and her daughter's children. MIL is unlikely to change. I have the same issues has caused a major rift amongst siblings. MIL bends over backwards to help her daughter and her children, bugger all help for us - have to beg etc... even refused to help when I was very ill while pregnant with DC2 and he was nearly born 2 months early. She has told me "its natural to prefer your daughter's children". I would just stay clear of her to be honest and have very little expectations. I wish somebody would have told me this 5 years ago, it would have saved alot of angst on my part. Now MIL pleads me for access to my children and offers to help now when I don't really need any as between school and pre-school the worse days are over!

JustHecate · 12/01/2012 11:55

Ah. So it is her daughter.

tbh, I think that's probably the top and bottom of it.

I do find - and it is SO clear from reading thread after thread after thread after bloody thread on here, that mother & daughter commonly outranks mother & son and certainly outranks mil & dil

It shouldn't be, it's not fair. children of the son are equal to children of the daughter, but when it comes to the relationship - daughter in law is never going to get the same as daughter.

That's not everyone, of course. There are those who are treated equally, there are those who are in families where the son is favoured, but - going on what I read on here! - there is something about the mil/dil relationship that causes many people problems.

It reminds me of that saying "your son's your son till he takes a wife. Your daughter's your daughter for the rest of her life"

WorraLiberty · 12/01/2012 11:56

I'm sorry to hear you lost your own Mum

I do think that perhaps it's made you resent the Mother/Daughter bond your SIL has though.

JustHecate · 12/01/2012 11:56

meant to add that I think they often feel that the dil has her OWN mother. iyswim.

I do know though, that it works both ways and I read thread after thread after thread after bloody thread about women who are close to their mum, whose mum helps out loads, who do loads of things with their mum, but who resent their mil's existance on the planet! and certainly don't involve her in anything LIKE the same way are their own mum.

Original poster

CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 11:57

Chestnut - blimey u def have it worse it's such a shame for the children as I'm sure someone else said as they get older they notice the favouritism side. Guess people with very involved mil who get on there nerves wish it was different as well!!

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyShallow · 12/01/2012 11:57

Gosh, you sound intolerably whiney, petty and entitled.
Listen to yourself. "When my baby was three weeks old mil would not look after it, and now when her own daughter is expecting a baby she has offered to babysit just because their baby died". Bufuckinghoo. Stop comparing like for like.

Obviously your sil is a young woman with problems and is in need of support. She is 22, neither her nor her dp works, she has lost a baby. What about you?
Do you and your dp REALLY need somebody to babysit while popping to the shops? Do you work?
Why on earth do you begrudge your sil her parents babysitting so she can find a job?

There are so many odd statements in your posts I am beginning to think you either live on a different planet or cannot be real.

JustHecate · 12/01/2012 11:58

oh no. I missed the post where you said you lost your own mum. I am really sorry.

Please forgive my last post.

Morloth · 12/01/2012 11:58

"Maybe I am just jealous of the mother daughter bond over babies that I can't have."

From what you have posted this does indeed seem the case.

Your MIL is obviously very close to her daughter.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 12/01/2012 11:58

Sorry for the loss of your mum.

Not sure your mil will see that you need any babysitters on that day. though.

everlong · 12/01/2012 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spartafc · 12/01/2012 12:01

Sometimes you have to adjust your expectations of people. Otherwise you just end up being let down.
It's upsetting when someone you want to take a huge interest in your child doesn't. Especially when it's family and when you can see them doting on another child.
I wanted my Mum to adore my DS, and in her own way she does. She still gave him a Boots voucher for Christmas though (he is 2. He got a cheque for his first Christmas) and I bought and wrapped his birthday presents from her (she reimbursed me). I have to adjust how I might expect her to show an interest in him. For her it's not about choosing presents. It's about something else. God knows what that it though!

Original poster

CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 12:01

Thanks worra - don't realise I was projecting my sadness into jealousy - not a good trait. Am actually getting quite teary thinking about it all. Deffo moaning ninny it seems.

Hecate- I lost my mum nearly 3 years ago anniversary of her funeral, ds birth and dsil anniversary of losing baby are all the same date. very crappy for all!

OP posts:

Morloth · 12/01/2012 12:02

I get on very well with both my SIL and MIL but she is not my Mum and I am not her little girl.

oldmerryolesoul · 12/01/2012 12:04

I would welcome the money to be honest. DS has a birthday Friday and as you say its very soon after Christmas and I think yet more toys would be too much so what we do is get him a few token things and put the money aside and get him some summer toys

Pancakeflipper · 12/01/2012 12:05

Charliemumma - it will never be equal and the only person who gets really hurt by wanting it to be equal is you.

Learn from me and don't waste nearly 6 months feeling hurt, feeling bitter and twisted. It's not pretty. It's wasted energy. And nothing changed with MIL even when we sat around the table as 'grown-up's to discuss it all. SO I had to change.

Be the grown-up here and enjoy your MIL for the good things she brings to you, your DP and your child.

One of my SIL's once said to me that it wasn't fair on how my kids were treated and she also got really fed up with MIL on how she was treated herself ( she is the only child of MIL's not to not have children so she gets a good overview). SIL said I could either waste their childhoods grumbling on about it or accept it and embrace MIL because she won't be here forever. It's stuck in my head that. MIL drives me bonkers but I have always loved her. Like you I think I was after a replacement mum (should point out my mother is alive and kicking but she never liked being a mother).

Original poster

CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 12:05

Shallow. - if we are at hers and nipped to shops for HER we would have to take ds with us.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 12:11

Thanks pancake I think that's exactly the way I need to look at it.

Shallow - yes we both work. The issue is not what she will babysit for but that she won't babysit for our ds. Just gonna forget about asking her as there always a reason she can't.

OP posts:

Chestnutx3 · 12/01/2012 12:16

I know how you feel, I don't have a mother she died 30 years ago and it makes it doubly hard to see the grandmother/mother/baby relationship. Set your expectations very low, try to have good friends around you. It is very hard to bring up your own children when you are motherless yourself and unfortunately most MILs don't want to even attempt to step into helping their DIL.

Original poster

CharlieMumma · 12/01/2012 12:23

Thanks chestnut yes it's very hard not having a mum. I'm only 26 so has been a tough 3 years. I always think although i don't have a mummy at least I am one! Maybe the time its hit me harder that I don't have my own mum here anymore.

OP posts:

molschambers · 12/01/2012 12:35

OP you did come across as a bit whiny and unreasonable. The birthday money thing is unreasonable on your part I think.

Given that you have sadly lost your Mum it would have been nice of MIL to have offered her time willingly as you don't have another Granny to help. I find it a bit sad and thoughtless that she hasn't tbh. I can see why you feel resentful about it.

mrsscoob · 12/01/2012 12:37

I think also she may not feel as confident to look after your children as her own daughters. My PIL love my child to bits and I know that but they have never babysat him and he is 5! They have looked after babysat their other grandchildren since they were babies. MIL has said to me she's nervous of looking after him without us there incase he gets bored or misses us. So could it be a confidence thing? Have you told her you would like for you all to have a closer bond?

diddl · 12/01/2012 12:37

How about go shopping with her & choose something together?

Re babysitting-perhaps because it isn´t just babysitting so that they can go out but for speciic reasons?

Flip

1 2 3