AIBU to think dmil is being but lazy for ds bday

[CharlieMumma]

Spoke to mil today who asked if da wanted any toys for his bday in feb. we said that he had a got a lot for chrimbo so maybe clothes or something else.Her reply was just. 'il give you £50 and u get them' I was a bit surprised as for a first birthday I thought maybe she might want to look around and buy something specific. What annoys me further is for her Other grandchild (not yet born) she has bought sil all sorts of things and gone put and chosen clothes gifts etc.

She has never babysat for us and possibly feed ds one bottle. Yet she has already offered to baby sit Sil baby in feb which will
Be anniversary of them loosing a baby. This has annoyed me as she has always said she is too unwell and wants her elipsey meds to be sorted which they have been but she has still never offered to babysit my ds and doesn't do much with him.

Am I just a moaning ninny or is all this just a bit annoying!?!?

That's good thinking about the confidence it might be that partly I think. Thanks for all ur support think iv realised its a deeper feeling than my original post would suggest!

I told you we would get a drip feed

You know CharlieMumma - your MIL might look at your DP and you and think "ooh those 2, they really are doing great, CharliesMumma is a great mummy and rally top of everything, she really knows her own mind.." And she might think you don't actually need or want any help. So she's letting you get on with things. And she's looking at your SIL thinking " she needs help, I better step up and help out.."

I am realizing I was a bit harsh in my first post to you. I see now that there is actually something else entirely bugging you, and I quite understand.

I sympathize with not having a mum.
I moved to the uk when I was 21, and I remember sitting in a coffee shop in Oxford Circus looking at a young woman having lunch with her mum, and I think I have never missed my mum more than at that moment. She was alive of course so it cant be compared, but I have spent a good chunk of adult life only seeing mum for the holidays, and not spending much time with her. Never really got to be a young woman with a mum. First because I chose to move to Britain, and then because she is now (aged 75) in a nursing home with advanced dementia and dont know who I am.

Your mil will never replace your mum. Your sil is 22, young, and she has her mum, and mil will be a mum to her. Hard to watch when you also want such a bond and such a relationship. And it is emphasized by mil not wanting to bond with your baby the same way as she is looking forward to her other grandchild. It is sad. But there is nothing you can do with it.

You need to develop some coping strategies.
If you are at hers, and you are asked to go shopping. TELL her "ok, but James stays behind with you, great chance for the two of you to have some quality time and we will get back quicker". If she says no, just sit down again and say "Oh, ok. We will be leaving shortly anyway, so you can get on with your shopping then". It is HER shopping!

You cant force her to babysit. You cant force her to select presents. But you can tell her "Joyce, I know it would be extra special for James if you gave him the present, so lets go together so he can see that you are selecting for him and giving it to him". Emphasize that she is important to James. etc

Thanks shallow - u have it tough, dementia is such a horrible illness it's almost like a bereavement but they are physically still there.

It's very difficult as many of my friends of similar age 25/6 are all having or have young babies and their mums are understandably very involved, very supportive and full of advice an support. My dad is lovely but it's not the same as a mum! Its hard to talk about in rl as I don't want friends to think they can't talk about their lovely mums so iv probably kept it all bottled up about just how hard it is not having a mum about especially since having ds.

Will try to refocus and think of mil as mil rather than try and project what I think my own mum would have done as that's unfair on everyone and just makes me

My mum died when I was a teenager and it is hard sometimes to see the mother / daughter dynamic with other people. Its probably particularly difficult because it is so close to home.

Of course you want someone to fuss over your DS, perhaps go shopping with you like MIL and SIL do and it does hurt that you don't have it.

It does get better with time as you come to terms with the hand that life has dealt you. I found that having children was a great help because it helps you focus on the future not on what might have been.

Your MIL sounds like a reasonable person I think that she is just a bit wrapped up in her daughter which probably emphasises your sense of loss.

Take care and if you do feel you need someone to talk to about the loss of your Mum there are organisations like CRUSE that can help.

Sorry about your loss, CharlieMumma. I also think I was a bit harsh in my earlier post. I still think you are wrong to resent your MIL's actions, but I can see that there are deeper emotions behind your resentment, and I sympathise.

I do think that you need to step away from wanting your MIL to be a substitute mother. But you could open up to her a little bit, and tell her how sad you are feeling about your mother. Your SIL probably tells her mother how she feels about the baby she lost, and that's why MIL knows how to help her.

Thanks chaz - will look at the website u posted. It's nice to hear it does get easier.

Yabu.
Put the money to good use.

Op. Posted with only reading your first comment. Sorry for your loss.
Your mil may not know how to react. Can you ask her if she would like to go shopping with you to choose something for your ds.