to be livid with DH?

[meravigliosa]

I left DD, 13 weeks, with DH to go to a training session for work this evening. I told him specifically that if he was feeding her there were two sterilised bottles in the fridge and he should fill one with carton formula. I also told him specifically that the bottles in the steriliser had not been sterilised, nanny had washed them but not run steriliser. I spelled this out because to avoid him using the unsterilised bottles.

I get home to find he had done opposite and tried to feed her from one of the unsterilised bottles. She didn't take the feed, but she did have the teat in her mouth.

I am worried sick that DD will have come to harm as a result of this. Sick also that he just doesn't listen to me at all, about anything, even when important information relevant to wellbeing of DD.

She is supposed to have 2nd round of immunisations tomorrow, but I am worried that her immune system may have been challenged enough for one week.

I be quite angry that he hadn´t bothered to listen properly tbh.

Also, if he wasn´t sure, why not just sterilise the bottles himself ready to use?

Maybe you nag him instructions too much and now all he hears is white noise.

What alot of people do not realise is that there are two parents. And being told constantly what you have to do with your child is very very irritating. he is perfectly capable with sorting his child out when you arent there. just leave him to it.

But his daughter is 13wks-surely he knows the routine?

Or, if unsure can make a decision & sterilise the bottles so that he knows that they are done?

I'd be mad too. If you are looking after a baby, the least you can do is listen to the instructions on how to care for it properly. It's bloody disrespectful to just tune out when your spouse is speaking to you, especially when it's about something important.

The not listening sounds really irritating and YABNU to be annoyed but YABU to be livid.

Don't worry about her immune system regarding the vaccinations, or be worried she'll come down with some dreadful sickness. The rules about sterilising are there to reduce risks, not to eradicate them, that would be impossible. After all, no one sterilises their nippes before breastfeeding .

You sound like you are following the guidelines and being as careful as possible, if it is his first (if not yours), he might just be getting up to speed with the concentration needed all the bloody time with these small people.

I have some sympathy because DH chucked two bottles of (painstakingly) expressed milk down the sink "because it looked off" and I nearly instigated divorce proceedings. I had told him what they were but guess what ... he didn't listen!

Only in the last few decades have people been sterilsing bottles for babies but that hasn't stopped over 79 billion humans from existing so far has it?

total overreaction, calm the f**k down.

I was told to sterilise things for first year. By seven months baby is crawling on floor, hands in mouth etc. I can confidently assert my floors were far from sterile. Child still lives.

Pervaded you have reasonable levels of general hygiene, this sterilisation thing as far I as I can see is complete and utter wank and I am afraid I would probably zone out a bit if someone was in my ear saying 'fridge blah bottles blah sterilizer'. It wouldn't necessarily mean I didn't love and respect you however. Just that didn't particularly 'get' your views on this topic.

I would be very surprised if a baby would even take bad milk.The smell and taste are immediately apparent. My dd can identify milk that's about to turn. She refuses it, it tastes alright to me but in the morning it is starting to go off.

If it cheers you up, I know of quite a few babies who have survived in far worse environments - piles of dog poo on floor for days etc - so yours will probably be ok.

unless you stick your nipples in a steriliser you are way OTT. In some countries they don't sterilise at all. Your baby is fine.

Plenty of countries (developed and sensible) of the world suggest/advise that sterilising is only required up to 3 months. I bf to 6 months and then never sterilised a thing. Midwives were but I made a conscious decision and DS was absolutely fine. Don't the UK microbiologists in the premie units also have a view that sterilising is unnecessary? Chill, really or if this is about something deeper, pick you fights better

But if her OP & husband have decided to sterilise bottles, that is up to them & surely the least that the husband can do is make sure that he uses a sterilised bottle FFS!

How livid would you be at yourself if you had made a mistake over using a washed vs a sterilised bottle?

Looking after children is a learning process. Sometimes you will make mistakes. God knows I did. I still do. You've got the advantage here in that you've done it all before whereas he hasn't. But I bet you still make mistakes. Are you as harsh on yourself as you are on him?

If you jump on him from a very great height when he makes what is, in the grand scheme of things, a relatively minor mistake then you risk not only undermining your relationship with him, but also undermining what little confidence he probably has in being a parent.

That could lead him to just take a back seat when it comes to childcare for fear of the reaction he'll get if he doesn't follow your instructions to the letter. That wouldn't be in the interests of any of you as he won't get to bond with his daughter and you will get resentful for being left to take care of everything.

OP- if you had done this you would probably shrug it off as "baby brain" , which excuses all manner of forgetfulness up to and including trying to put your baby back in the fridge rather than the milk.

It is a bit OTT to be "livid" with your DH, and the fact you use a word like that makes me wonder whether you are constantly delivering instructions that make him feel like an employee or an errant child!

Sterilizing bottles in a first world country? Hilarious. If I were married to a control freak like the OP my only rational choice would be to tune her out.

YANBU to mention it and ask him to be more careful in future. YAB a bit U to be 'livid' though, everyone makes the occasional mistake, and I'm sure your DD will be fine.

I'm not sure what you mean about the immunisations and her immune system being 'challenged' - are you considering delaying the immunisations because of this? I really don't think there's any logic behind that. You could ask the doctor/nurse if you want to set your mind at ease about it, but I'm sure they'll say it's not an issue! I would think she'd be at more risk from not having the injections on time.

Chill out!! I know a couple of mothers who literally never sterilise anything. Their babys live. As does my DD - I never sterilised my nipples(!) and I have seen her lietrally lick the floor once she started crawling [hmmm].

I do know what its like with a baby - wanting everything to be done your way (in your mind, the right way!), but remember that DH is her father and you need to honour him with the right to parent her in his own way, which will not be identical to yours!

But fair enough being a bit pissed that he didn't listen.

You said

Don't use those bottles

He heard

Don't use those bottles

Unless he is systematically trying to ruin your career by proving himself unworthy to care for the baby - I would not worry. If this is your third, then the other children have probably been feeding her chocolate/fluff and sticking their hands in their ears/nose and then in her mouth already this week.

I think that if he regularly doesn´t listen then this is probably the proverbial straw!

As others have said, sterilisation is a complete waste of time. Once the bottle is out of the steriliser it is no longer sterile.

What is crucial in avoiding baby getting sick is ensuring that the bottle is scrupulously clean and there is no milk residue on the bottle for bacteria to multiply on. This can be achieved by washing in very hot soapy water using a bottle brush and allowing to dry thoroughly.

A sterilised bottle that has milk residue on it can still be a risk.

Baby number three, a busy job. Must be pretty stressful. Do you think this is why you've had such a strong reaction to the incident? I don't think what your dh did is that bad, but your reaction is understandable given the pressure you're probably under at the moment. But very gently, yabu

I wouldn't worry about the bottle as others have said.

Re your DP not listening to you, my DP seems to get a blank face/head/nothing goes in when I give him instructions - very annoying & leads to him just making stuff up - sometimes that is OK but other times, I give specific instructions for very good reason and he needs to know this (like how to heat up food for a baby properly).

So now I ask him to repeat things like this back to me - so then I KNOW he knows and HE KNOWS and no more silly fuckups. It's like he would hear "blah blah blah bottles bottles bottles - use these blah blah blah".

By repeating the conversation back to me it actually goes into his head or at least I know if he's missed the point entirely. Try it.

I know how irritating it can be when OHs don't listen. Especially when it's something important.

I would've felt the same as this when DD was 13 weeks, I used to get really stressed if the cat walked past when I was expressing! AS others have said, we don't sterilise our nipples and babies are fine.

I think sterilising is a precaution rather than a necessity.

my friend uses a kettle instead of a steraliser. they are not essential, you do not need them.

She wont get ill, although she probably will now and itl be because she caught something in the air whilst out and youl think it was the bottles.

I say this with love, as it is usually something that happens in my house too!

the opposite of serendipity or whatever

I would be a bit annoyed my DH hadn't listened but really it isn't the end of the world. She will be fine, her immune system isn't going to be compromised, so don't panic so much.

Men are pretty useless when it comes to remembering things so I think getting him to repeat it as HipHop says is probably a good idea if the situation comes up again.

In the mean time relax and stop worrying

DD has had jabs .

Thank you for all the comments. Have calmed down - can see "livid" a bit much, but not too penitent regarding being angry. I know I am probably over-anxious, but won't concede "unbalanced" think that's a bit strong. I am someone who is always likely to err on side of caution re hygiene, although I respect what others say that the evidence may not be on my side about this. I'm not a constant wiper of baby, floors, toys etc it is really just the bottles that get me nervous, because of potential for bacteria multiplying in formula -- perhaps they have unreasonably become focus of anxiety?

In fairness to DH, it isn't as if we've had a routine for him to know re the bottles since birth. Bottle has only been introduced gradually over past few weeks to allow me to do some work, and most of the introduction was by me in the first instance, as he was at work at the time. I have tried to make sure he was kept up to speed with what I'd been doing and how I'd been doing it, though.

Thanks again.

"Men are pretty useless when it comes to remembering things so I think getting him to repeat it as HipHop says is probably a good idea if the situation comes up again."

Lawks, we certainly are scatty little feather brained moppets - not sure how we ever managed to get the Vote! ;-)

I saw this on another thread and it's an interesting point. People sometimes say that bottle-feeding is wonderful because it involves the partner and he can do the night-feeds etc but realistically how much of the actual work is done by them?

The washing and scrubbing and sterilising bit. Not to mention reading up on the correct procedures. Both my DC have been BF and FF so I have some experience of it.

I'd probably over-react too, OP. It must have been frustrating when you had taken the time to prepare two bottles AND explain that the others were not ready and he completely ignores you! I'd be tempted to leave no washed bottles next time and let him take some bloody responsibility.