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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have appreciated the sentiment behind this? (Sorry... bit long!)

52 replies

StealthPenguin · 09/01/2012 22:42

Apparently I am being incredibly unreasonable and letting down all feminists everywhere, making Emily Pankhurst turn in her grave...

Background DP and I have been talking about moving out of his parents house because he's recently been given a good promotion in work and MIL and FIL have very graciously said that if we need any extra for a deposit on a mortgage then they will be happy to give us a loan. Bear in mind: this is a while off. At least a year, if not two.

I have a lot of body issues. I have suffered terribly from both anorexia and bulimia in the past, and I'm currently being treated for PND. Part of my depression is stemming from my body. I was a lovely size 10 before pregnancy but because I was carrying a lot of fluid and a baby that grew in bursts I am now riddled with stretchmarks and have to raise my belly folds up in order to clean beneath them in the shower. I'm on a diet and working out at the gym but nothing seems to be reducing my belly. It's affecting my sex life and my day-to-day stuff quite badly. DP thinks it's great - "more cushion for the pushin'" and so on. But I don't.

Anyway. Getting on with things.

DP turned to me today and said that he's been considering something for a while, that he will always find me beautiful regardless of how I look, and although it may not happen because there are too many variables involved, if we're able to save up 5K (for example, either through his wages or through the future mortgage) then he would be happy for me to use it as money for a tummy tuck.

I cried. I don't think I've ever loved him more.

To me, that says "I think you're beautiful just as you are but your happiness in yourself is far more important to me than my happiness in your body. It's your body and if you really feel strongly about it then we will find a solution that will make you a happier and more beautiful person, both inside and out. Because if you're happy and confident in yourself then it shines through and shows how you feel on the outside."

This conversation is, however, apparently the most sexist thing my "friend" has ever heard. He shouldn't be offering to change me, it's nothing to do with the way I look and I have to learn to accept the way that I am - good points and bad. And for him to openly suggest that I am anything other than perfect is just him being a wanker and wanting a Page 3 model for a wife. (Yes. She really did say that.)

I was absolutely gobsmacked! Am I really "letting the side down" by having my insecurities mended in an unconventional way?! Or is she being a complete tosser?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 09/01/2012 22:46

Your friends an idiot.

But I do hope it's possible for you to come to love your body without surgery as it's a massive step. I would ask your doctor if it's empirically bad as you have had body issues. It would be so easy as you've had such a difficult time for this to be yet one more way to be hard on yourself.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/01/2012 22:47

And your dh is clearly fab obviously.

troisgarcons · 09/01/2012 22:47

Got to be honest with you - lady, if you dont love your self the way you are, then you can have all the tummy tucks in the world and you wont love yourself. There will always be sometng you are dis-satisfied with.

What happens next time you have a baby?

BettySuarez · 09/01/2012 22:47

He sounds lovely and thoughtful. Tell your friend to fuck off

MrsS1980 · 09/01/2012 22:49

Ignore her. It is totally up to you - if it is what you want to do and you feel fully informed of all the potential risks and are still happy to do it - then go for it! Good luck whatever you decide :)

QOD · 09/01/2012 22:50

I think it sounds lovely. It's not like you're blithely skipping along thru life, belly flapping in the wind and he suddenly said to cut it off!! He knows how it affects you

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 09/01/2012 22:52

Your friend is an idiot. If you were happy, she should be happy.

There seems to be a lot of threads about at the moment with OPs who have horrible friends. Why do women do this shit to each other?

Bossybritches22 · 09/01/2012 22:52

I have to agree with 3garcons, but I think your hubby is lovely to try and help you-YANBU, your friend is an unsympathetic twat.

I have a "cottage-loaf" stomach that no amount of dieting will shed it is strectched skin I dream of a tummy tuck but having worked on a plastics team & seen it done , no way.

Spend some of the money on some counselling to help your self-esteem & the rest on your lovely new home.

mynewpassion · 09/01/2012 22:53

She's not being a complete tosser but she should butt out. Loving yourself and your body first will make you a better and happier person.

You are not happy with the way you are and it has psychologically affected you now and in the past. If getting a tummy tuck will help you resolve some of these issues, then it is a good thing.

However, she does have a point that at some point, you have to accept what you are. Worrying over your body beyond an average woman's worries is also not healthy and so is continuous cosmetic procedures (not that you going to do this).

And, its not a feminist issue. Its about feeling good about yourself.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/01/2012 22:54

Yes, agree that she is a fuckity fuckwit. Your DH sounds lovely. And PND is awful, you poor thing. I do hope your peace comes quickly.

Just a really silly point, make sure you have had all the babies you want before you have the tummy tuck!

Original poster

StealthPenguin · 09/01/2012 22:56

Trois - thing is, everything takes time. So I may have a tummytuck by next year, I may not. I'm going to wait until I've stopped having children obviously, but that's not going to be long. Never wanted a big family, and if the next one is a girl then everything would be brilliant.

I find my belly incredibly difficult to describe. It's flabby and hanging, with bright purple stretchmarks still all over the front from my breasts down to my pubis, around my back and down my legs. If I do exercise I have to put something in-between my folds because otherwise the sweat will get trapped. I can't see my feet. If I bend down it gets crushed between my knees. I feel like a 1950's B-movie horror character.

OP posts:

Original poster

StealthPenguin · 09/01/2012 22:58

Anyway, I'm off to bed. DP wants a cuddle. Only trouble is he can only hug me from behind.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 09/01/2012 22:58

A lovely suggestion from your DH, I agree, but if the opportunity does come about to have it done, please think carefully as it's a very major and quite horrible procedure that carries quite a lot of risk. Obviously don't have it done before having any more children, as that would be a bit pointless.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/01/2012 22:59

I'm sorry Stealth, I don't know how old your baby is but it can take 12-15 months for the belly to fully go down.

troisgarcons · 09/01/2012 23:01

Stretch marks fade. I got them when I hit puberty. They've long mellowed into faint silver lines.

hmc · 09/01/2012 23:04

Nonsense - you have your tummy tuck. I dont agree with trois that post tummy tuck you'll automatically be considering the next surgery, I have puckered skin on my stomach after weight loss and will have it operated on ( just as soon as I have finished half marathon in April because I won't be able to exercise for a few weeks post surgery). I also have breasts that objectively would look better perkier (an uplift) and an increasingly lined face ( in my forties) which might look better with fillers etc - but I categorically won't have surgery on my breasts and face because those 'imperfections' are within the normal range and I am accepting of them as a normal part of ageing whereas my saggy empty skin on my stomach is not. I also think it is facile to label this a feminist issue (and I am a feminist)

CrunchyFrog · 09/01/2012 23:14

I had hideous stretch marks after DD, they're still there but silver now rather than violent purple. (She's 8, had a further 2 pregnancies but weirdly no new marks!)

(I remember the consultant telling his student that I had "third degree striations." To which I thought "OI, fuck you.")

The apron/ hangy bit has also got better with weight loss, and is continuing to go down. It won't ever be perfect, but then, what is? A great big scar across the abdomen doesn't seem like a great alternative to me.

It's a nice offer from him, seems like it comes from a kind place, but I hate the idea of feeling like you have to conform to some mythical ideal in your head. You won't ever achieve it - ever. It's not possible. I think you probably know that.

thepeoplesprincess · 09/01/2012 23:14

I think you should bite your hand off for it. He sounds lovely :-)

I too have been left with a post-pg 'apron' which will never go away without surgery. It's patronising and unrealistic to talk ;about 'loving yourself' or 'badges of motherhood'.

The plain fact is, it looks shit and ugly when you're naked, and you'd look a lot better by anybody's standards without it.

bobbledunk · 09/01/2012 23:40

Your dh obviously wants to make you happy and maybe a tummy tuck will achieve that. Very sweet and thoughtful offer. Surgery does come with a risk and perhaps you'd be better saving your luck for when you get hit by a bus, need cancer treatment etc...or the misery your stomach flaps cause you make it worth the risk. Up to you.

This has nothing to do with gender politics, your friend is an idiot.

Original poster

StealthPenguin · 10/01/2012 09:06

Good morning all :)
And thanks for replies.

I've told my friend to promptly fuck off to the far end of fuck and when she gets there to fuck off even further. She tried arguing with me until I told her that Mumsnet agreed with me. She shut up then. [evil grin]

OP posts:

mrsjay · 10/01/2012 09:12

aww i think thats a lovely thing for him to offer i see its been resolved with your erm friend arnt friends supposed to be supportive , anyway your husband doesnt want to change you he wants you to be happy , and if you think the tummy tuck will help you then go for it , I do think people can go too far with the whole cosmetic surgery but you feel this is needed so go for it ,

mrsjay · 10/01/2012 09:14

stealth you do realise you wont be able to get rid of stretch marks although they do fade over time surgery wont take them all away ,

SimoneD · 10/01/2012 09:16

Agree with others that have said that it does take a while for the stomach to go down after a baby. You dont say how old your baby is but it took 12 months for me to get back to normal and the 'apron' effect has now gone.

Please also be aware that a tummy tuck is not a decision to take lightly. It is major surgery and the mortality rates are quite high. There is always a risk with any surgery but tummy tucks seem to carry a much higher risk than other cosmetic procedures. Is it really worth the risk when you have young dcs?

antsypants · 10/01/2012 09:24

I wouldn't say it was sexist, I would though, as a friend, be worried about the consequences of having a surgery to improve your body when you already have serious body issues and have suffered so badly from ED.

I can understand how deeply this change to your body affects you, but I would recommend you do some counselling before committing to any surgeries.

moanymandy · 10/01/2012 09:29

I feel your pain re stretch marks and flabby belly! I put on 4 stone while pregnant and covered in stretch marks, all over tummy round to my back, thighs, inside leg at the knee and my breasts!
Ds is now 15 months and the stretch marks have faded so much I didn't think it was possible!
Also he was about a year before I lost most of the extra weight only just under a stone to go! it just started to shift without changing my diet to drastically!

What I'm trying to get across is your baby is still so young and whilst now you feel so bad give it tome and it will feel/look better!
But if I had the option for a tummy tuck I'd be there in a heart beat!!

Good luck!

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