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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have appreciated the sentiment behind this? (Sorry... bit long!)

52 replies

StealthPenguin · 09/01/2012 22:42

Apparently I am being incredibly unreasonable and letting down all feminists everywhere, making Emily Pankhurst turn in her grave...

Background DP and I have been talking about moving out of his parents house because he's recently been given a good promotion in work and MIL and FIL have very graciously said that if we need any extra for a deposit on a mortgage then they will be happy to give us a loan. Bear in mind: this is a while off. At least a year, if not two.

I have a lot of body issues. I have suffered terribly from both anorexia and bulimia in the past, and I'm currently being treated for PND. Part of my depression is stemming from my body. I was a lovely size 10 before pregnancy but because I was carrying a lot of fluid and a baby that grew in bursts I am now riddled with stretchmarks and have to raise my belly folds up in order to clean beneath them in the shower. I'm on a diet and working out at the gym but nothing seems to be reducing my belly. It's affecting my sex life and my day-to-day stuff quite badly. DP thinks it's great - "more cushion for the pushin'" and so on. But I don't.

Anyway. Getting on with things.

DP turned to me today and said that he's been considering something for a while, that he will always find me beautiful regardless of how I look, and although it may not happen because there are too many variables involved, if we're able to save up 5K (for example, either through his wages or through the future mortgage) then he would be happy for me to use it as money for a tummy tuck.

I cried. I don't think I've ever loved him more.

To me, that says "I think you're beautiful just as you are but your happiness in yourself is far more important to me than my happiness in your body. It's your body and if you really feel strongly about it then we will find a solution that will make you a happier and more beautiful person, both inside and out. Because if you're happy and confident in yourself then it shines through and shows how you feel on the outside."

This conversation is, however, apparently the most sexist thing my "friend" has ever heard. He shouldn't be offering to change me, it's nothing to do with the way I look and I have to learn to accept the way that I am - good points and bad. And for him to openly suggest that I am anything other than perfect is just him being a wanker and wanting a Page 3 model for a wife. (Yes. She really did say that.)

I was absolutely gobsmacked! Am I really "letting the side down" by having my insecurities mended in an unconventional way?! Or is she being a complete tosser?

OP posts:

Morloth · 10/01/2012 09:30

How old is your baby?

I agree that a tummy tuck won't actually help until you sort your head out first.

Maybe see if you can get some help with that? And then, if once you know it is just the loose skin bugging you get it sorted.

I have loose skin on my tummy after a couple of kids and being overweight most of my life, along with many stretch marks. I had to do a lot of work on my head before my body followed suit.

Tmesis · 10/01/2012 09:38

Drifting OT, do you have separated abdominal muscles? If so then regular exercise won't do anything for your belly and can actually make things worse. Google Tupler technique for some background info.

Original poster

StealthPenguin · 10/01/2012 09:38

I feel even more guilty now, knowing that it can take up to 18 months for the belly to go down!

DS is 6 months old. Belly has decreased in size but not by much, and then stopped. I just thought it would stay like this!

I'm joining a gym to help with my general fitness, to make new friends and to tone up certain parts of my body. I've also got the GP today to get a referral to someone I can talk to about my past issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

StealthPenguin · 10/01/2012 09:38

I don't know about the separated abdominal muscles... will bring it up with the GP today :)

OP posts:

MilesJuppisasexgod · 10/01/2012 10:03

Bravo to you Penguin for standing up to your friend. I wish you and your DDDDP well.

However, this quote from you really worries me:

and if the next one is a girl then everything would be brilliant.

This more than anything makes me thinks that all those who are saying who should seek counselling are onto something. No one thing will ever make anything brilliant, and you really need to be sure that it is JUST your body that is getting you down, rather than it being a symptom of something else.

Hugs

SimoneD · 10/01/2012 10:05

Stealth, theres a dvd by Erin O'Brien called postnatal rescue which really helped me in the early days post pregnancy. It also works if your muscles are seperated and shows you how to check for this, and it strengthens and tones your stomach muscles. It only takes 15 minutes per day so you can fit it in round work/baby etc. Once my muscles were stronger (had a csection so they were shot!) I followed this up with the 30day shred and a high protein diet and can honestly say that 15 months on my stomach is flatter and more toned than pre-pregnancy so there is hope. I remember being really down about it when dd was about 6 mo.
For the stretch marks try cocoa butter (the 100% stuff, Palmers or Body Shop cocoa butter). There's an active ingredient in it that fades stretch marks. My niece had really noticeable purple ones on her chest and the cocoa butter virtually eliminated them in a really short time. I was amazed at the difference.
Good luck with everything.

Bossybritches22 · 10/01/2012 10:17

Pure Lavender essential oil is brilliant for promoting skin healing so put a few drops of this in the cocoa butter or any cream, & it really will help.

DD2 had a really nasty bike accident last year & looked like she'd been slashed by a tiger,grazes all over her face and body. I slathered on a baby cream that had olive oil in it plus a few drops of lavender & tea-tree, applied it twice a day for 2 weeks and she has no scars ar all. They will fade naturally in time but it's good to help them on their way.

loosyloo · 10/01/2012 10:18

you obviously have issues. Do you think if it wasnt tummy problems, you would look for something else to be critical about?

save your money
enjoy your kids
cherish your husband

EnjoyResponsibly · 10/01/2012 10:21

Not to dismiss your PND and other MH issues SP, but the 6 month mark with DS was a real low point for me.

I don't think I ever had PND, but 6 months fell right now in January. It was a really difficult time for me. I was low about my body, everyone went back to work, the weather was crap and we couldn't get out as we had before.

I hope your GP is supportive. Take a list of things you want to discuss so you get everything covered in one go.

I think even if you don't have the TT, the very fact your DP has cottoned on that youre miserable and wants to help you is so sweet. Your friend on the other hand should do one.

Good luck to you xx

PosieParker · 10/01/2012 10:22

Tummy tucks are the most dangerous of surgeries, and obviously wait until you've finished having children. Honestly I find it hard to believe that you cannot shift it without surgery, I would think no surgeon worth his salt would touch it for two years post baby, when I think it will have disappeared anyway.

LunarRose · 10/01/2012 10:36

Have you tried Pilates? done wonders for strengthening and toning my previously none existent stomach muscles and my residual baby bump is now very very slowly starting to reduce in size.

Think your husband is being a sweetheart by the way! (on this occasion not the time to be pulling the feminism card )

TandB · 10/01/2012 10:38

Your friend is looking at things in a very superficial, knee-jerk way. Your husband is looking at things from a position of knowing how you feel about this issue.

I am pretty anti unnecessary cosmetic surgery but if something is really making you unhappy for a specific reason then why not? My friend had a tummy-tuck for similar reasons after twins. She wasnt just being silly or OTT - she had something that didn't look nice and that she wasn't used to and she wanted it gone. If you are sure this is an isolated issue and won't make you dissatisfied with other things, then do it.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 10/01/2012 10:40

I'd be a bit upset TBH. Your DH said all the right things to you, and probably meant them.

Me personally would be thinking that "he said he loved my anyway, but why is he after me having a tummy tuck?!"

But that's my view in terms of my own relationship, which might be where your friend is coming from.

I certainly don't think this is awful if it's something you want that makes you happy. Accepting belly flab after baby doesn't make you a feminist.

chipmonkey · 10/01/2012 10:44

Stealth before you consider a tummy tuck, please watch one done online. It is serious surgery and leaves you with a scar from hip to hip. And I say this as someone with a mega-overhang after five C sections.

MJinSparklyStockings · 10/01/2012 10:47

Stealth, I hate my flabby belly, DH loves it, he says the babies put it there and to him it makes me more sexy.

Nonetheless if it made me more happy, I am sure that we would find the money for a tummy tuck.

He wouldnt like it, he would I think, disapprove of unncessary surgery, but nonetheless, he would find themoney.

This is your husband saying your happiness is more imprtant ot him than anything else and dont listen to anyone who tells you differently.

CalamityKate · 10/01/2012 11:02

Ignore your friend.

I was exactly the same - I had two HUGE babies a year apart and was left with a horrid floppy apron of skin that no amount of diet and exercise would have ever shifted; in fact the more weight I lost, the worse it looked because it didn't have as much fat to sort of smooth it out. My DP adored me just the same as he ever had but knowing how miserable it made me, he was fully supportive of me having a tummy tuck.

Best thing I ever did.

hmc · 10/01/2012 11:28

There are some dubious opinions on this thread being presented as fact...tummy tuck " the most dangerous of operations" - show me the evidence!, in fact - more likely to be killed driving your car

Also to the poster who "finds it hard to believe" that it can't be remedied by exercise...I think that (a) you might be confusing liposuction with tummy tuck (tummy tuck isn't generally about overweight people who want a quick fix - but those with loose skin) and (b) in some cases the skin can have been so severely stretched by a prior period of excess weight gain etc (weight now lost) that the elasticity of the skin is completely shot and no amount of abs work etc will repair it, the skin will remain puckered, loose and hanging often on a lean frame

Original poster

StealthPenguin · 10/01/2012 11:37

The comment about a girl was just a throwaway thing - I didn't mean for it to sound quite so........ I'm not even sure how it sounds but I regret putting it that way!

I've always wanted one girl, regardless of how many boys I have, and that was just meant to highlight the fact that if my next DC is a girl, then I'd happily stop having children. I've never wanted more than three children because I came from a large family and I hated the way it made me feel but wanting a girl has nothing to do with my current issues. I was absolutely over the moon about having a boy!

I'm going to go and buy some cocoa butter IMMEDIATELY . Anything to stop my stomach looking like it went twelve rounds with a burly Bengal!

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 10/01/2012 14:36

hmc, I do agree with you in that sometimes a tummy tuck is the only solution for loose skin/flesh but it is still fairly major surgery.

HipHopOpotomus · 10/01/2012 15:15

YANBU. And your friend is a knob!

NatashaBee · 10/01/2012 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmonkey · 11/01/2012 20:02

Bio-Oil is brilliant.

OldMumsy · 11/01/2012 20:32

StealthPenguin I would do the TT in your situation too. It's very common in people who have lost a lot of weight. I was lucky and just have some wrinkles not a hanging pannus that some poor souls end up with. So YADNBU and your 'friend' is.

OldMumsy · 11/01/2012 20:38

And can recommend Bio Oil too.

aldiwhore · 11/01/2012 20:42

If something fixable stands firmly in the way of you ever being able to love yourself, if it actually makes you loathe yourself, if it affects your life, and love life, and if you're offered the chance to fix it and accept then that does not make you a lesser woman.

I will soldier on with my belly apron, I will learn to ignore it and buy big pants, I have not got body issues in general but I will never EVER learn to 'love' my guntflap. If I do ever happen to be able to afford to have it done, I will have it damn well done, then I'll be able to move on from it (either in something else to hate, or happiness, I'd like to see what happens).

Stealth You're not shallow, vain, or selfish. You know it won't solve every issue. And do you know what, even if it never happens I hope that you can learn to live with you, even if you can't love your belly... the only reason you shouldn't do it is for someone else, if you want it, and you can have it, go get it.

Finish breeding, keep up with the healthy lifestyle, see how you feel in a couple of years... yes years. Two years ago I'd cry myself to sleep because of my belly, but I have to admit it seems to have settled and shrunk over time with diet and exercise (even the really flappy bit). I'd still have a tummy tuck, but it may just be that if you give yourself long enough you may choose not to. x

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