To wonder what the Fuck I am trying to achieve?

[SmilingHappyBeaver]

Here is my problem, in a nutshell: I have three DC's, aged 1, 4 and 5. I have a public sector job, decent(ish) salary but considerably lower than my previous job in Accountancy, which i left in order to find something more family friendly (and i hated accountancy and have no intention of returning to that career). My job is a "job" rather than a "career".

I hate my job. I really just want to be at home with my kids. DH is great in every aspect, very supportive, he just wants me to be happy and thinks that as i hate my job I should quit and be at home with our kids. We are fortunate enough for me to be able to do this with no financial worries (we'd have to tighten our belts and adjust some aspects of our lifestyle but we could afford to pay the mortgage, bills etc without my salary).

But I just cannot bring myself to leave my job. And I have no idea why. I work PT and LOVE my days at home. I have no marriage worries (although i would never take my relationship forgranted). I just have a fear of not being financially independent. And now i feel this is a real barrier to me actually achieving happiness. I don't think me working is best for my family, because 1) it makes be unhappy and 2) we don't really need the money. So am I a selfish cow for working for making money which we don't rely on? Or am I sensible to keep my earning potential?

I have no idea what to do, so I may well consider the responses from mumsnet and see if I don't just take the majority opinion. Thanks if you have read this far...

Id consider finding a job you do like if you dont want to stop working.

Well all i can say is you will not lie on your death bed wishing you'd spent more time at the office I imagine.
So leave the job and spend time with the children, farnkly you owe to yourself and the rest of us poor buggers who have no choice but to work.

I could never be completely financially dependent on someone else so I would just find another job that's more enjoyable (understand that it isn't always that easy). I have always worked in some form, from home for the past 10 years (and consider myself very very lucky to have been able to do that). If we didn't need the money from my job, I would probably get a job as a cashier in a grocery store. I've done that job before and quite liked it, and it would give me something that was just mine, outside of the house and away from the kids.

I think you're sensible to keep your job. It is astonishingly hard, once you've stepped off the ladder, to get back on it again, and you won't always want or need to be at home. I felt like you after I had DC4, stopped working and had a ball being at home - I love being a SAHM, having never done it when older ones were little. But what I hadn't ever anticipated was quite how hard it is to get back out there when you have a gaping hole in your CV - not just in terms of actually applying for jobs, but also motivation, especially when finances aren't an immediate problem (yes, I know how lucky I am).

Can you go more PT than you are? Would that be a good compromise? Lose a day a week or something?

Agree with FabbyChic.

There is a big middle ground here - whether it's using the qualifications/experience you have in the fields you have worked or trying something new.

If you are in the position of not actually needing the money, but rather just enjoy having that independence financially, then it would be bonkers to do something you hate.

I have just packed in my public sector job that I hated. Currently a SAHM. We can manage on DHs salary if I can stop buying unnecessary crap .

I am struggling massively with not feeling financially independent but I do not miss work at all and feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Anytime a child was ill, I was worrying about getting disciplined for absence. I was very fed up, had put in a grievance and a flexi working and it was all, not even turned down, but just ignored and I ran out of tolerance for it all.

I worry about not setting my children the example I wanted to set them, I want them to see me working. I have only been at home a few weeks so it is very early days. I have more time with the children but much less money to do nice things with them... There is no right answer I think.

I know where you're coming from as I don't really enjoy my job as much as being at home.
I carry on because we do need the money a bit, probably could survive without it but life would be trickier.
I would worry about getting back into work once the DC were older if I'd been SAHM full time.
Not particularly enjoying my days at work makes me appreciate my days at home even more.

In your position I'd make a list of pros and cons and see which comes out longer. Is another job a possibility? Or cutting hours (depending how PT you are already)?

No - there never is an easy answer. When I worked FT I felt permanently guilty. Now I don't work and I feel permanently guilty. You can't win - do what feels right now. Go with your instinct.

Your kids will only be little for a short time. If you feel as strongly as this then give up your job asap. I find working part time really suits me but dropped from 3 days to 2 when DD was little so that I could spend more time with her before she went to school. I am so glad I did that.

Why don't you give up your job and then look around for something that you can do from home if you would like to be earning?

In the current climate I wouldn't give up, by all means look for something else or change your hours if you can.

The grass is always greener

Thanks for all the replies. I do know that I am very fortunate to have the choice whether or not to work. I reduced my hours after I had my third DC, so def can't reduce them anymore, I am coming to the conclusion that I should look for another job, but it is difficult to get something with comparable hours at the same level, IYSWIM.

I am also looking at retraining into another career, when my youngest is school age. But right now the thought of trying to pack a whole load of new information into my brain is daunting. I feel like i'm on the edge of a precipice and don't know which way to turn, i've made bad career choices before and so have no confidence in my ability to come to the right decision.

I currently teach two and a half days a week and if I had the chance to pack in I would. I love my job but I love being at home. My children are six and two. My aim is to pack teaching in in about four years and demote to a part time TA. God I old give anything to pack up. Go for it.

What job would you choose if you had NO barriers at all? Apart from being at home...what would you LOVE to do? My advice is to leave your job...have a year or 2 at home and then retrain in the field you want to work in.

Don't be scared!

I would pack it in I don't think you will regret it.

You said, 'I just cannot bring myself to leave my job. And I have no idea why.'

I think this is what you need to work on. Take some time to figure out why you don't want to leave your job and you will find your answer as to what to do next.

Look inwards at yourself rather than ask others.

Start valuing yourself. Your worth is not measured by your job, or how much you contribute to the household accounts. You, your DH and your DC's are a team that needs to work together to get the best result for everyone.
You have lots of options. Why not list all their pros and cons and see which would make you and your family the happiest.

Would you qualify for Tax C;redits if you quit work. If so, then maybe get them and your CB paid into your personal a/c so you have an income which feels like 'yours'.

I've just left my job after having dc2. There was too much pressure at work, I couldn't possibly please everyone and I reasoned they will be little for the blink of an eye and I'll never get that time back.

At the moment I don't care about what I'll do in the future. I'm confident my career isn't behind me, and this is just a short, but life changing chapter. Life's too short to be miserable.

I'm late coming to this but wanted to share my thoughts on this.

You never get a second chance to get time with your children. I gave up my career when mine were very small and just took part-time work when they were at school. I have never regretted it for a minute and have now returned to a "proper job" although still part-time now they are older.

My DCs are now grown and away from home and I wouldn't change a thing. Why miss time with your family for a job you don't even like? Why not have some time off with your children if you can afford it and just look out for opportunities if you decide that you want something further down the line? I have been surprised at some of the things that have come my way over the years, both unpaid/voluntary but valuable experience and paid work.

I understand how you feel - I would love to be a SAHM, but it's not possible for me, for two reasons; I earn a lot more than DH and so if I stopped working we would not be able to pay the mortgage, and the second reason is that I can't stop working - it's a mental block that relates back to my childhood (very young poor parents who worked numerous jobs to keep the family fed, very loving but instilled in us all that we must work to survive). Also, I know that the job I do is fulfilling and gives me a sense of purpose, of using my brain and my education. And it's bloody hard to get a job these days too!

My personal ideal would be for both DH and I to work part-time so that we could both share time with the DD, but financially that's not yet within reach; I hope it will be some day.

If, financially, you can do this now - do it! You will never regret that time with your precious children.

If money isn't an issue but you want to work, why not forget about finding a job "on this level", as you don't enjoy it. Instead do something you enjoy, whatever the pay/level.

Working with tiny dc is v hard. Some reasons why I do it (public sector, pt, fairly well paid, not much fun but ok).

Feel it'd be too risky for me personally and for the family to rely on one income / pension (redundancy, illness or injury, death, divorce).

Without my mum's wage our family would've really struggled at times.

Worked v hard to get qualifications and a "good" job. What would have been the point if I chucked it in?

Wouldn't want to risk taking a big drop in salary after , say, five years at home.

Like being paid, and the intellectual / social challenges of work. And things like reading a book alone on train.

Have worked since was 14.

Like sharing breadwinning and domestic responsibilities with dh. If was at home would feel pressured to be in a "wind beneath his wings" role.

I've been a SAHM for 14 years I can't see how I'm ever going to get a job.
Both DCs will be at secondary next year and I will have no school run, no PTA nothing what so ever to do.
I wasn't working when DD1 was born, have no nearby family and a reasonably paid DH, not trying to find a job made sense.
Having the school holidays is brilliant, but I desperately want some adult company in term time.
Personally I'd think very hard about looking for a job you enjoy more, but if you are in the habit of working and have reliable child care I wouldn't stop.

I have dipped in and out of jobs, ok only £20k a year jobs as it's suited me for the past 7 years and honestly never had a problem at all with SAHM gaps, if anything they've respected the fact that it was the wrong time for me to be at work then and I've been honest rtather than try and juggle too many things to the determent of everyone including the employer.
Many bosses respect the effort it takes to run a home and that many of those skills are applicable in the world of work.

Ditch that job and find one you would rather do even if thats a shift in a cafe or at a cinema popcorn stand. Financial independence is hugely important but so is your happiness and staying in a job you hate for no reason other than your own wage mad - there are more part time jobs around here than full time so maybe if you looked about the same would apply where you are and you could find something more fulfilling