To wonder what the Fuck I am trying to achieve?

[SmilingHappyBeaver]

Here is my problem, in a nutshell: I have three DC's, aged 1, 4 and 5. I have a public sector job, decent(ish) salary but considerably lower than my previous job in Accountancy, which i left in order to find something more family friendly (and i hated accountancy and have no intention of returning to that career). My job is a "job" rather than a "career".

I hate my job. I really just want to be at home with my kids. DH is great in every aspect, very supportive, he just wants me to be happy and thinks that as i hate my job I should quit and be at home with our kids. We are fortunate enough for me to be able to do this with no financial worries (we'd have to tighten our belts and adjust some aspects of our lifestyle but we could afford to pay the mortgage, bills etc without my salary).

But I just cannot bring myself to leave my job. And I have no idea why. I work PT and LOVE my days at home. I have no marriage worries (although i would never take my relationship forgranted). I just have a fear of not being financially independent. And now i feel this is a real barrier to me actually achieving happiness. I don't think me working is best for my family, because 1) it makes be unhappy and 2) we don't really need the money. So am I a selfish cow for working for making money which we don't rely on? Or am I sensible to keep my earning potential?

I have no idea what to do, so I may well consider the responses from mumsnet and see if I don't just take the majority opinion. Thanks if you have read this far...

what about a step DOWN the ladder? I did that and while I don't LOVE my job, I don't hate it as much as I used to and it now feels like a smaller part of my life because I'm not affected by it on my days off

Sounds like you want to work, you just don't want to work in this particular job.

Jacking in work totally would be a massive step. Ok, you may be able to cover your immediate bills, but what about unexpected bills? Holidays and treats? Pension? Long term career prospects? In your position, I would go all out for another job. There is clearly something holding you back from just resigning, and it may be that underneath you know that giving up work is not the answer- its finding the right work

I agree with MidnightinMoscow. If you can afford to manage on your DH's salary then you are in a great position to look for something different because it doesn't matter if that involves you needing to re-train and/or start at the bottom on a low salary. Can you think of a career that you might love?

Never an easy answer. Mine are all bit older now (12,9,8) but I spent about 5 years working a few evenings a week as a waitress in a posh hotel. Meant kids were in bed when I left for work, dh was home and I earned a little (very very little) it did save my sanity and I enjoyed it. But then have to say that have never really had career as such although now am on my way to one I think
Mums feel guilty no matter what we do, and we really shouldn't!

There are so many words of wisdom here - thanks to you all! I think I know what I need to do, reading some of these comments has helped crystalise it.

My biggest fear has always been how I would "get back on" the career path if I stepped off. I did actually step off the career path before, for a couple of years after I had DC2, when I moved from the private into the public sector. so I know what being a SAHM is like (I loved it!). But I knew I wanted to return to work at that point. This time, having worked with 2 children under 4 full time, and now working part-time with 3 children under 6 I really think that if I step off the job ladder it will be a once-and-for all decision (at least in this type of work). Thus worrying about how I will ever get another job becomes less of an issue... potentially I might retrain in something completely different.

Someone posted here to say that I should have more self worth, and value myself not just by what I can earn. That is so true. Difficult to change my mindset though.

Smiling, do you and your dh have joint bank accounts, or at the moment do you have your'own' money? I work very few hours in a low paid job from home, and am also a full time sahm. Dh works full time and earns the money which pays the bills etc. but we have all accounts joint (except Isas obviously) in joint names. I never feel like I'm living off his money - it is both our labour that brings in that wage. I do think how couples arrange their finances can reflect their inner feelings about money and earning.

Abirdinthehand,

I do think how couples arrange their finances can reflect their inner feelings about money and earning.

Yes it's an interesting point, which several people have raised. At the moment we each have a separate personal account, into which we get paid. The we both put the same % of our salary into a joint account where alll our bills get paid out of. I'm not sure what would happen if I wasn't earning anything. I think i'd still want my own account. We also have various joint credit cards, for additional spending (non planned) which get cleared as he earns decent bonuses. I think i'd end up putting most of my expenditure on our joint credit cards if I didn't have an income, I manage all our finances as he is not in the slightest bit interested in money/budgeting, so leaves it all to me.

Well... Obviously this is a very personal thing, so you might not be the same as me. But I would feel uncomfortable not earning if I did not have joint accounts. I can log on to our bank accounts any time and see exactly what we have spent, what dh earns, everything. Actually, I rarely do. But I can if I want. And iuse a debit card which goes out from the account his salary goes in to. In fact, I do most of the spending, as I'm the one who buys food, clothes, house things etc. if I had to ask him for money, or had some kind of allowance, I could not cope with that. The way I see it, he can only work full time because I care for our children - all money coming into our household is jointly owned. If either of us spent more than about £40 on something (other than a regular food shop etc) we would mention it to the other.

Would he consider putting your name on his accounts and vice versa? It's easy to do. If not, I'd be worried how the money side of things would work...