To wonder what the Fuck I am trying to achieve?

[SmilingHappyBeaver]

Here is my problem, in a nutshell: I have three DC's, aged 1, 4 and 5. I have a public sector job, decent(ish) salary but considerably lower than my previous job in Accountancy, which i left in order to find something more family friendly (and i hated accountancy and have no intention of returning to that career). My job is a "job" rather than a "career".

I hate my job. I really just want to be at home with my kids. DH is great in every aspect, very supportive, he just wants me to be happy and thinks that as i hate my job I should quit and be at home with our kids. We are fortunate enough for me to be able to do this with no financial worries (we'd have to tighten our belts and adjust some aspects of our lifestyle but we could afford to pay the mortgage, bills etc without my salary).

But I just cannot bring myself to leave my job. And I have no idea why. I work PT and LOVE my days at home. I have no marriage worries (although i would never take my relationship forgranted). I just have a fear of not being financially independent. And now i feel this is a real barrier to me actually achieving happiness. I don't think me working is best for my family, because 1) it makes be unhappy and 2) we don't really need the money. So am I a selfish cow for working for making money which we don't rely on? Or am I sensible to keep my earning potential?

I have no idea what to do, so I may well consider the responses from mumsnet and see if I don't just take the majority opinion. Thanks if you have read this far...

I wasnt putting down those jobs btw :) they are just very different from accounts lol

If you hate your job and could afford not to work at all, and your DH is supportive, ditch it. Be at home with your DC while you find something you do want to do, whether it's be a SAHM or getting another job doing something you actually care about. If nothing else, if you could afford to give up work entirely, you can afford to give it up with the intention of looking for something more satisfying and be at home while you find a new job.

I'd deffo pack it in

why slog yourself to death, try and juggle everything and dump the kids on someone else when you dont have to. You would be mad.

Why not do a bit of work from home - doing the books for small business or something

Do it, but make sure you both understand the implications.

My DH is/was also great. I was made redundant in the Summer. He was very supportive of my not finding another job immediately and getting some sort of balance in our lives that was lacking when we both worked. He can actually identify areas of his life that have improved significantly in the last 6 months. However, now that I am not working and being a 'housewife' I find the dynamics have changed hugely.

Only yesterday, DH said that as I was in his "employ" he had every right to set me targets as to what he expected me to achieve during a day. When I challenged my salary if I was in his employ, he said "I provide the roof over your head, and the food on your plate. Everytime you watch TV or have a shower - I pay for that. You should be satisfied with that". So evidently, I'm living in a Workhouse.

Despite the obvious problems with that, as with any manager, is expectations of what I can do greatly outweigh what I can actually do. Especially he can clean the kitchen, bathroom and hoover in half an hour and it takes me around 2.

It's causing huge resentment atm.

Tbf, I don't think he actually means everything he said, but it does go to show how it can have unexpected effects and it might raise feelings in both of you that you weren't expecting.

I agree with bandofroses

There is no point in staying in a job where

A. You're not happy
B. You are in a position where you don't have to.

Ok so you may have made some bad career choices in the past, but that's not to say you will in the future. Give up the job and assess what you would really like to do. There are online questionnaires aren't there? Where you do some sort of personality test to ascertain what career you would be happy with etc? Apologies, I cannot recall the exact terminology of the test.

In an ideal world what would you do? Write? Advise? Create? Support? Manage? Sell? Etc etc

Good luck!

keep job as once you leave market, very hard to get back in? but look for something you enjoy more

i suspect the reason you dont want to leave is eep down you want/need the security0 but only you know why this is!

I would say it depends very much on your DH, and your relationship with him.

Do you have your own bank account?
Do you both agree on how money is spent?
Is one of you more spendthrift than the other?
Do you have arguments about things you buy/want to buy?
If you would want to buy something for yourself, would you need your DH "permission?"
Do you have "running away funds"?

IMHO, becoming financially dependent on your partner is fine IF you have a savings account in your name (ie the "running away money"). Of course you trust your partner and nothing will ever go wrong....but if it does, you need some money to tide you and the kids over to sort yourself out. Say the equivalent of 3 months salary. You will probably never need it, but when things are bad it is good to know you have it, and if you never need it, use it to go on a cruise with DH in old age ).

It is also essential that both of you think of the money he earns as "our money" rather than "DH's money".

All those who can afford not to have their salary coming in and live on their husbands wage should keep working, and post me their salary instead.

j/k good luck in reaching your decision.

see, Folkgirl's DP's comments("jokes") would set my alarm bells ringing! That is NOT a great partner to have as a SAHM.

Don't give it up, especiallly with the job market like it is. It will (might well) be incredibley hard to get another job later, as an older person with a big cv gap. Also, if you give up job and reliable childcare, if you change your mind and later return to work, how easy is good childcare to find? (where i live, the answer would be 'practically impossible'). Also, what Dozer said.

Chandon - I agree. He's actually great, but he feels a disparity at me being at home and him out working.

It just doesn't work for us and I'll be looking for work soon - but p/t so that we can retain the benefits of us not being flat out working f/t.

Neither of us saw it coming though, he thought it was a great idea originally! In fact it was his idea!!!

That's why it needs careful consideration. It's not for everyone/couple. Not a decision to be taken lightly. But a great one if it works for you both.

"in this climate" give up the job you don't want or need and let someone who does take it.

How about working for yourself?

Agree with startrail, be very careful, I would certainly not consider leaving a job in your situation but understand it's making you unhappy and would like to spend all your time with your children. If your unemployment becomes a big gap most employers do not want to know, in my experience. This is depressing and soul destroying. Trust your gut instinct, keep your job! (Or look for another more enjoyable one while you are still employed)

keep the job and look for something you would enjoy more, if money is not an issue taking a drop in salary will not matter too much. folkgirl you have my sympathy, whilst DH never says anything that yours did I feel that he would prefer me to be working. he is however supportive in saying that it 'our money' but its me that is finding this hard to accept, I worked and felt like my salary was mine and his was his even though we shared the financial responsibilities. since being made redundant I have managed with my savings and JSA but am reaching the point where my 'own' money is running out and I will have to accept money off him and It does not feel right even though I 'earn' it be doing all the housework etc. wish I could get a job I liked but they seem few and far between. stay in yours and look as it is easier to find one when still in a job. also confidence levels drop loads when unemplyed.

Just wanted to say that I am sort of in the same boat. I started a new job 3 months ago and for various reasons it is not that easy. However I love my days at home so much and love the confidence it gives me. I now feel on a much equal footing with DH and proud of myself for earning a bit of money. There is no right answer really and I don't think it is possible to have everything perfect. Sounds like you need to work though and there's nothing wrong with having an easy job for the moment that you can just go and do then forget about when you come home (especially if you work with nice people). Give yourself a break - your DC's really are quite little and working with 3 that age is going to be hard work.

Really tricky OP.

I work in the public sector too, long hours (mostly unpaid) in a profession that is not very well thought of at the moment. I am miserable, and find the whole juggle of DC and work a nightmare.

However, I also know that I am bringing in some money and that we have something to fall back on if DH lost his job, which in these times is invaluable.

Can you consider taking some unpaid leave to consider what you would like to do, and to possibly met a careers coach for some help? It might help you think about exactly where you'd like to be in the future and the steps you can make now for it to happen. If you can get by on your DH's salary, then you are in a great place to consider doing something completely different that you love rather than what you have to do.

Good luck.

YANBU I feel exactly the same. My job makes me miserable, my DH says leave, we can manage financially with tightened belts etc. But I guess I just like earning the money I do and I wouldn't earn as much if I quit and did something different (or did the same in a different company)

I've written a 5 year plan which sees me being in a much happier position in 5 years time (with mortgage paid off etc). It keeps me sane to know my job won't be forever. Maybe that would help you?

We've also done a detailed 1 year plan so that if work really does get unbearable we know where we are at (financially) for me to pack it in.

Not working is really hard. It's not the walk in the park you may imagine. People see you as a non-person. The 'so what do you do' question does not get a positive response when your answer is 'well not much actually'.

I think you are nervous about dependency OP. May I suggest you see if you could have a sabbatical for a period of say three months before you quit forever. Jobs are harder to come by these days if you change your mind. :)

i think you would be mad to give up your job.

i often imagine what it would be like to give up work, and the reason i stay in work ( apart from needing the money) is that dd will be in school next september and then i would struggle to fill my days.

I completely get where you're comming from OP, I do not know how SAHPs by choice can relax putting all their eggs in one basket as it were, even in a 'secure job' there can be allegations, accidents, illnesses, death..
I was a SAHP for a while and hated it it made me feel so uneasy and I enjoyed my days with LO less than I do on days off from work

It's so much easier to get a job if you have a job. Is there anything else you can do part time?

At the best of times I wouldn't give up work entirely. Not on your Nelly. Given the way things are now, it would be madness.

Try to find ways to improve your working life; I appreciate that promotion opportunities are limited now in the public sector, but would it be possible to move sideways? Can you ask your line manager to delegate some of her work if it's more interesting/fulfilling? Is there a mentoring scheme (with you mentoring or being mentored; I'm just thinking of anything that might make the office more tolerable)?

I would only consider packing it all in if I could find satisfying and CV-enhancing voluntary or self-employed work to keep my career on track, I could keep up pension payments and my partner's job was rock-solid (with provision should something dreadful happen to them).

Is there anything that would make you look back to accountancy?
Working for yourself
Working in a sector that you really care about
Um
Anything? Or did you absolutely just loathe it?

Otherwise I think you should keep your eyes peeled for another job. If you feel as you do about working you might get a shock when you find out how much harder it can be to get back into work after time out (I learnt the hard way).

Good luck