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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell OWs partner about them?

74 replies

ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 19:23

Its not as simple to explain as it would first appear, I know they are in contact, as it was years ago and more of a cross over of relationships than an affair... making excuses already, God I'm pathetic
Plus she is not local. It was more of an internet thing, as far as I know they have only met once ever. This could well be bullshit though, I dont know what to think anymore :(

I agreed to them getting back in contact on yes you guessed it facebook, as I didnt realise I had anything to fear. This is years down the line, we are married now, we have one DC now and another on the way.

Used DHs computer rather than my own and noticed they had been chatting. Looked at the conversation and it has been deleted... Then checked his email, and all notifications have been deleted too.

I feel I should inform her other half. He does not know that they have history at all.
I'm quite sure IABU though.

I am so angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 19:26

I've namechanged btw. DH knows I am on MN. Tbh though, I hope he reads this and recognises it.
I hope he feels half as shit as I do.

For the sake of not dripfeeding, hes been down lately and drinking. Not to drunk, but regular small amounts.

I'm pregnant. If he were here atm, I could fucking well kill him.

OP posts:
cheesesarnie · 07/01/2012 19:27

but do you have any proof that hes contacted her if hes deleted anything?did you see anything before he deleted things?

hairytaleofnewyork · 07/01/2012 19:27

Difficult.

I am assuming you are referring to your DH and someone he's been communicating with that he had a previous affair with (that you forgave?)

Is she actually an OW now?

Do you have proof that something has actually been going on?

What is your motivation here - revenge or to inform another cheated on woman?

squeakytoy · 07/01/2012 19:28

what are you actually angry about though? before you go stirring up trouble, it would be sensible to really be sure there is trouble to stir up..

also, what would be gained by telling her partner... always the possibility that he dumps her, which then leaves her free to carry on pursuing your husband, with nothing to lose..

hairytaleofnewyork · 07/01/2012 19:28

If there is definately something going on, it's him that's betrayed you and him you should be tackling over this.

Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 19:30

Both tbh, yes I want revenge. But also if there is anything going on, I dont think its fair to not tell her partner and let him think everything is normal.

The little bit that is left on FB is the end of a conversation. And their earlier convos (which I know were there, he showed me when they got back in contact to prove it was innocent) have gone too.

I have to go out now and pretend all is normal.

I'll be back ASAP (on my phone)

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 07/01/2012 19:40

I'd investigate further, before doing anything. Have a look at his mobile phone, on the quiet, if you can. Or check the bill to see if the same number comes up a lot.

Has his behaviour towards you changed recently, as that can be a sign that something's amiss. I think if your instinct is telling you that something is wrong, then it's worth looking into.

PercyFilth · 07/01/2012 19:45

it was years ago and more of a cross over of relationships than an affair.

So basically she's an old flame and his relationship with her was before you married?

Cross over of relationships, you say. Did he dump her for you, is that what you mean?

troisgarcons · 07/01/2012 19:46

I feel I should inform her other half. He does not know that they have history at all

I would also go so far as to say peopels (sex) lives and relationships are the business of the two people in them. Not everyone needs to have a cathartic laying out of every shag relationship or coupling they've ever had for disection by a new partner..

Other peoples relationships are their business. Concentrate on your own.

You go in with size 9 wellies on, making accusations that are unfounded and destroy someone elses relationship - frankly you are setting yourself up for a fall because your OH will always view your with suspicion after you mistrusted him. He'll back her because shes been unjustly accused .... you might be the one who finds themself alone.

ThePickledGerbil · 07/01/2012 19:48

If you go to his FB inbox, then scroll to the bottom you'll see 'Archived' written quite small on the left hand side. Click on this and you might see stuff he hasn't deleted properly.

I had this done to me (my FB checked), that's how I know Hmm

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 07/01/2012 20:15

You have no actual proof of anything at all, you are bitter and want "revenge" for something in the past, that your DH did, and are prepared to wreck this woman's life and her partner's life, over accusations and half truths and things you think you know... for all you know your DH is stalking her and she hates him and wants him to fuck the fuck off away from her but he won't - had you thought of that? you need the FACTS and then and only then can you decide what, if anything, you want to do to fuck up life for other people who never did you any harm at all - ie this woman's family.

cheesesarnie · 07/01/2012 20:27

wshat pombear said

SecretMinceRinser · 07/01/2012 20:52

If he's deleted conversations with her then it's stuff he doesn't want you to see - no other reason for it when you were happy for them to be in friendly contact.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/01/2012 21:05

Ugh, I hate it when people get on this moral high ground of 'he has a right to know' 'I don't think it's fair to not tell' etc etc.

Just be honest and say you want to shit stir to hurt the people that have hurt you. It's normal. Admit to it. Do not hide behind excuses.

Tell if you want to, but don't make out you are doing it to do someone else a favour.

Legobuildingpro · 07/01/2012 21:20

You have nothing to say. No evidence. You want to destroy people's lives for something that happened years ago. With no evidence?

Proudnscary · 07/01/2012 21:25

Welcome to Mumsnet

laurenamium · 07/01/2012 21:42

YWBU to go through his Facebook in the first place!

All you have done is hurt yourself, make yourself paranoid and ruin any trust that was there. You said yourself she's an old flame, old being the word! He's with you now, and you are carrying his baby. You have no proof and will come across as a hormonal untrusting mess if you got in touch with OW. If you are worried, ask DH, once he's stopped being angry you went through his Facebook let him explain, then delete Facebook- both of you- and get on with your lives!!

troisgarcons · 07/01/2012 21:46

@ SecretMinceRinser If he's deleted conversations with her then it's stuff he doesn't want you to see - no other reason for it when you were happy for them to be in friendly contact.

I delete all my convos every day - purely because I cant stand my PC being filled with shite ..... I run a full strip out because it is the family PC and my children down load all manner of utter bollox that takes up my memory. But I am an anal tidy-up-erer anyway. No matter because the PC is always logged in, everyone has access to it, and windows incl FB and MSN are always open

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/01/2012 21:48

Tell him what, exactly?

That they have been on touch via FB?

Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 21:55

Not used to mning on my phone!
Just to clarify, she specifically said to my dh when they got back in contact that her dp had no idea he was THAT ex. Suggesting he wouldn't be happy about it.
And she's been trying to get back on contact with my dh for ages. Through his brother first, then by begging me. So I don't think he is stalking her.
And I said, I admit that I want revenge. But still, if her dp had found out something, I would want him to tell me. Is that so unusual?
And yes, she's an old flame. But one he carried on with behind my back, which is affecting my judgement. Along with the hormones!

OP posts:
Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 22:01

Sorry again that my messages read like shit, can't use my phone!
Thanks to everyone for the help so far :)

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 07/01/2012 22:03

as it was years ago and more of a cross over of relationships than an affair

So its you who is the OW isnt it ..... you were the overlap .......

I admit that I want revenge.

Why? you were the nail in the coffin to his previous rlationship

And yes, she's an old flame. But one he carried on with behind my back

Seems its you who was the carry on - make your bed - lay in it - it will always come home to roost.

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2012 22:04

Sorry I don't get this

Is there anything in the chat that's left to suggest they're having an affair? Confused

Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 22:07

I'm not the ow at all! He met both of us at the same time, me really and her online. He carried on chatting to her even though he'd started dating me.
He met up with her on person shortly after we moved in together. I found out after that and he stopped contact.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 07/01/2012 22:08

What on earth are you going to tell him?

"Your DP is talking to my DH on FB, kick the bitch out?"

Do it if you like but you will make yourself look like a mentaller.

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