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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell OWs partner about them?

74 replies

ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 19:23

Its not as simple to explain as it would first appear, I know they are in contact, as it was years ago and more of a cross over of relationships than an affair... making excuses already, God I'm pathetic
Plus she is not local. It was more of an internet thing, as far as I know they have only met once ever. This could well be bullshit though, I dont know what to think anymore :(

I agreed to them getting back in contact on yes you guessed it facebook, as I didnt realise I had anything to fear. This is years down the line, we are married now, we have one DC now and another on the way.

Used DHs computer rather than my own and noticed they had been chatting. Looked at the conversation and it has been deleted... Then checked his email, and all notifications have been deleted too.

I feel I should inform her other half. He does not know that they have history at all.
I'm quite sure IABU though.

I am so angry.

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/01/2012 22:10

Maybe you could explain it more clearly with a timeline or something.

Was she with him first, then he started a relationship with you while he was still with her? And then after you got together properly he went back to her for some more?

I'm really trying to get it!

FabbyChic · 07/01/2012 22:10

I wouldnt have wanted him to have contact at all, why would he need to there is no need other than to fuel a flagging ego.

Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 22:18

Fabby I didn't want to, but I thought it would make me the bigger person to let it go after all this time :(
Ok, timeline...
Meets her online, meets me in person, starts dating me, carries on virtual affair with her, moves in with me, meets up with her, I find out, no more contact. Years down the line, married with kids, she tries to get in touch with him through his brother, he ignores, about a year lqter, she asks me to let bygones be bygones. I agree. They talk, he shows me messages

OP posts:
Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 22:19

They talk some more, yet this time he deleted them.

OP posts:
loosyloo · 07/01/2012 22:20

so he moved in with you but still fancied her enough to meet up with her

hmmmm

Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 22:26

That's why I called her an ow rather than just an online thing, iyswim?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/01/2012 22:29

So in effect, all you can tell her OH is that your DP and her talked online...as they would, being as though they're FB friends...and errr your DP deleted some of the conversation?

I think her OH would think you're quite insane Confused

SecretMinceRinser · 07/01/2012 22:31

Fair enough troisgarcons - the op didn't say if anything else was deleted but surely if it's only conversations with this woman that have been deleted than that's evidence enough he's been up to no good. The op was happy for him to talk to her so why else would he delete their conversations?

Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 22:34

Worra, I'm sure he would, and a little bit worried that I am!
I would have explained their past though, which he is apparently unaware of. But still, I just look loopy...

OP posts:
Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 22:35

Secret, nothing else seemed to be deleted (i didn't read that in detail), just the messages to her.

OP posts:
SecretMinceRinser · 07/01/2012 22:39

Well that would be enough for me. I would guess there have been suggestive comments and flirting. Have you asked your dh why he deleted the conversations? I'd love to hear his innocent excuse.

hairytaleofnewyork · 07/01/2012 22:46

I think you are over reacting.

What evidence do you have of an "online affair" (I'm not sure what one even is)?

What happened when they met? How long ago was it!

If they met once, she isn't his "ex".

Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 22:51

I don't have any evidence of now. However last time I saw text messages and photos. There was no denying that then.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 22:54

Dh says he doesnt know why the conversation has been deleted BTW...

OP posts:
hairytaleofnewyork · 07/01/2012 23:25

Text messages
And photos of what? Proving a physical relationship?

Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 23:32

Photos proving they were into each other in that way. Not joint photos though, separate ones.
Do u really want to know exactly what they were of?

OP posts:
Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 23:35

Could u clarify for me hairy, do u think it is acceptable for him to move in with me and then arrange to meet up with his wank-fodder? Cause it sounds like u do...?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/01/2012 23:37

wank-fodder? she was just someone he had met online wasnt she?

laurenamium · 07/01/2012 23:38

Ew god I retract my previous statement, you're not a hormonal mental Sad

Tell him you tried letting bygones be bygones but enough is enough, get him to stop contact again? Or delete Facebook? It's the route of all evil!! (that and sneaky people, male and female- not accusing!)

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2012 23:39

Look in all honesty you could end up splitting up a relationship over this because the other guy, might think you know something else that you're not letting on.

You don't know they've done anything wrong.

For all you know, she might have said something mildly suggestive and he was worried you'd take it the wrong way so deleted that particular message. The fact he didn't simply delete the whole message thread (as I constantly do to avoid slowing the whole thing down) means he's obviously aware you read them...therefore he is unlikely to be instigating a good old flirting session is he?

If you don't trust him, you really need to be sorting that out with him and not causing trouble for this couple when you don't know anything 'wrong' took place.

Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 23:39

The photos squeaky... :(

OP posts:
hairytaleofnewyork · 07/01/2012 23:40

It might help people work out if yabu or not because so far it doesn't sound like ts time round there is any thing to tell.

If you are saying they sent each other graphic pics previously then I understand your suspicion now - and if I were you I'd be tackling him over it first and foremost - not her and her bloke.

If you distrust your husband - and it sounds like you do - then I'd suggest you have some serious thinking to do for you and your baby and whether you have a future with him or not.

Original poster
ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 23:41

I know Worra. That's why I posted here rather than just doing it :(

OP posts:
garlicfrother · 07/01/2012 23:42

I'm pretending you're in Relationships.

Yes, I would tell him. I would do in such a way that I could tell OWH and H simultaneously (phone call while H cornered in kitchen?)

This is because I've been through what you're going through. The more you pussyfoot around, the more complicated it gets and the less you know which side is up. I pussyfooted, btw! Not recommended.

Think "What would Mumsnet do (in Relationships)?" Then do it.

I am very sorry you're going through such crap. It stinks. As you're sure of your facts, rip that plaster off and see how it is underneath. Good luck, and make sure you have plenty of friends handy.

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 07/01/2012 23:43

You are being a muppet! This is only going to go one way. I would be very upset if my husband was chatting to an ex and deleting the messages. Come on...!! Apparently it only takes on average an exchange of 7 messages for things go from friendly to something quite different between first lives/exes etc.

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