Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to tell OWs partner about them?

74 replies

ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 19:23

Its not as simple to explain as it would first appear, I know they are in contact, as it was years ago and more of a cross over of relationships than an affair... making excuses already, God I'm pathetic
Plus she is not local. It was more of an internet thing, as far as I know they have only met once ever. This could well be bullshit though, I dont know what to think anymore :(

I agreed to them getting back in contact on yes you guessed it facebook, as I didnt realise I had anything to fear. This is years down the line, we are married now, we have one DC now and another on the way.

Used DHs computer rather than my own and noticed they had been chatting. Looked at the conversation and it has been deleted... Then checked his email, and all notifications have been deleted too.

I feel I should inform her other half. He does not know that they have history at all.
I'm quite sure IABU though.

I am so angry.

OP posts:

SecretMinceRinser · 07/01/2012 23:43

Ah the conversation deletion fairy! That's a good one.
It's hard to know what to advise. If it was a bf and there were no dc involved I'd say get rid but you have a child with him and one on the way.

Original poster

ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 23:45

I am tackling him. By text as he is in work though. I haven't said anything to her it her dp. I know that if anything has happened he is in the wrong, not her.

OP posts:

hairytaleofnewyork · 07/01/2012 23:45

"Could u clarify for me hairy, do u think it is acceptable for him to move in with me and then arrange to meet up with his wank-fodder? Cause it sounds like u do...?
"

You're drip feeding . Unless I've missed posts you've not made clear at any time any thing other than he talked to a woman online previously, then met her once after you got with him and has talked to her online again - you haven't said whether they had a physical relationship or whether you know
if their online chat was sexual.

If it was it is not acceptable - but you need to take it up with him - your dh - not her bloke.

fuzzynavel · 07/01/2012 23:46

Blimey! OP you need to speak to him about this, it's all getting a bit mad. Don't know where the "tell her other half" is coming from. Talk to your partner.

hairytaleofnewyork · 07/01/2012 23:47

Don't tackle him by text - do it in person. You can tell so much more by his body language.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 07/01/2012 23:47

fabby was right in her post.
TBH I will get flamed for this , but this happened to me.
And yes I did ring the OWs partner and tell him. And vice versa he told me what he knew from his end .
I am not saying this is what you should do .
But really I think you have to go on your instinct .

garlicfrother · 07/01/2012 23:53

Agree text bad idea. It's like sending a warning. However, you did it so he's warned. This might force you to raise the game anyway.

I know it's virtually impossible to think of your dearly beloved as "the enemy" but you really have to unless you just want to do a bit of whingeing and be comforted ...

I'm with Nanny, I'm afraid. Now you've texted, you'll do yourself a favour by getting real, hard and fast. Make sure you've got friends lined up.

Poor you :(

Original poster

ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 23:53

Sorry hairy, I called her the other woman, I thought from that it was obvious it was a sexual relationship, (rather than a female friend he talked to) whether real or only online. I don't mean to drip feed, am just a bit flustered at the mo!

OP posts:

Original poster

ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 07/01/2012 23:56

By the way, I either text him or it has to wait til Monday as he's working nights and I'm staying with family. I know its not ideal.

OP posts:

laurenamium · 08/01/2012 00:01

Right so have we decided no telling OW. It's an issue between you and DH.

Is there a way you can meet up to talk about it? Or talk over phone rather than text? Texts can get misinterpreted really easily!

squeakytoy · 08/01/2012 00:04

tackle your husband, not her, not her husband.

for all you know she is in an abusive relationship, and although it doesnt excuse her behaviour towards your husband, would you feel good about causing possible harm to her?

Original poster

ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 08/01/2012 00:07

It's not a phone conversation I can have while I'm here, its text it nothing unfortunately.
He says he feels distant from me. Says I won't listen to my problems but am quick to list his. I'm a drama queen and want our marriage to fail. Still insisting he didn't delete anything because it was bad. That I want to find something to row about which is why I was looking (and also why I found out he'd been drinking)

OP posts:

laurenamium · 08/01/2012 00:11

Sounds like hes creating reasons to be mad at you to take the lime light off him

Silent treatment until you can speak properly? Let him stew about it and keep yourself busy? Don't say anything just simply stop replying, turn your phone off and enjoy family time? (as much as you can in circumstances?)

Original poster

ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 08/01/2012 00:11

Text OR nothing!

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 08/01/2012 00:24

Totally confused by what exactly happened, and when.

Yabu, get it sorted with DH before getting anybody else involved.

garlicfrother · 08/01/2012 00:35

He says he feels distant from me. Says I won't listen to my problems but am quick to list his. I'm a drama queen and want our marriage to fail
:(
I have so been there.

Have you read "Not Just Friends"? It details this whole process of blaming to excuse. Don't buy it. Better still, DO buy the book, if you've got an online reader, so you can tell him exactly what he's doing when you talk on Monday.

Get sleep. Eat stuff. Be busy tomorrow. Take care of yourself, you matter more than ever now.

flyingspaghettimonster · 08/01/2012 04:19

I would think about it carefully. What if you tell the OW partner and he leaves her? What would your partner, under stress from you and the new baby, do? Would he leave you to be with her? Do you want that?

Be careful, make your own mind up on what you want for an outcome, and be brave. Because whether you repair the damage with DH or break up, you are in for a stressful ride :-( Best of luck and sympathy. Men can be weak, pathetic, cowardly bastards when women are pregnant.

aldiwhore · 08/01/2012 06:38

You gave them permission to be in touch?

Sorry I've entered the twilight zone.

"Look sweety, I met her at the same time as you, but carried on sexting seeing as I didn't know if we'd work out"

Doormat: "okay then"

Years later.... "HIya, I'm the tinternet madam who was your rival, mind if I get in touch with your hubby?"

Doormat: Yeh no probs.

Months later....

Doormat: "I've found all these empty spaces where conversations should be, what do I do?"

MN: WTF????

FFS woman, tel HIM you're not happy after all with him being in touch with woman. If you must tell HER to stay the fuck away.

What on earth are you doing?

Don't tell her partner. This woman and her own domestic set up is feck all to do with you. And if you did get in touch what would you say? "I gave my permission for them to be in touch and THE BASTARDS have been in touch and deleted their conversations so I can't see!!"

Hmm.

You need to sort YOUR head out before you confront anyone... of course he's deleted conversations because he knows you'll be accessing them. He probably is being horny with this woman, possibly he isn't, but he's never going to leave evidence either way is he?? Its not about you, its about them, you're not part of that.

So. Take away your permissions, tell him to end it (because its obviously killing you) or take yourself away (because its obviously killing you). Don't try and be cool if you can't be. I couldn't be. No point in trying. x

SaraBellumHertz · 08/01/2012 07:56

You need to take this up with your not so 'd' H.

She hasn't done anything wrong other than been dumped by your (again not so 'd' H) in favour of you. Whether he met her online or not they were in a sexual relationship at the same point you were and your use of the word "overlap" would suggest it was she who was there first.

So your h dumps her for you and now you wantbtonfuck up her new relationship. Quake it up with your twat of a husband and leave her alone.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/01/2012 09:43

Tbf though, if this ow is having flirty conversations with the OP's husband behind her own partner's back, then she's fucking up her own relationship. All the OP would be doing is letting the partner know (not that I think you should, OP - I'd concentrate on my own relationship).

What is with some women - why would she want to get back in touch with the man who dumped her for someone else? She should have more pride. Unless she's doing it form a 'look what you could have had' pov. A woman scorned, and all that.

Original poster

ClearlyIAmAMuppet · 08/01/2012 10:51

Hi, just a quick update for this morning. He has stopped contact with her, blocked her on Facebook. He says she is nothing, and (whether its all in my head or not) he understands that it is stressing me and I am the priority, not talking to some girl he barely knows.
I'm not sure how I feel about the long run, but I think I'm happy with this for now

OP posts:

SaraBellumHertz · 08/01/2012 11:14

"some girl that he barely knows" that he was in a sexual relationship with