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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

re when my Ex sees our DC?

55 replies

hatesponge · 06/01/2012 13:35

I don't think I am BU (who does when they post here!), he clearly does but he is a tosser of the highest order who frankly thinks everything I do is wrong, so as he kicks off about most things and always wants his own way it's hard to get perspective...

Anyway, DC live with me in the week. They see him every other weekend Fri eve-Sun eve. He also sees DC2 one night each week for a few hours to take him to a sporting club. This is just agreed by us, no court order or anything in place.

Last weekend DC were with him Fri-Sun. This weekend which should therefore be 'mine' DC tell me they have arranged to go shopping with him to spend some of their Xmas money. He texts me to ask if this is ok - I say well yes (it's arranged, I think I may as well let it go ahead rather than disappoint the children) but I'd like you to drop the DC back late afternoon.

His response is to ask why he can't have them overnight. I pointed out it's my weekend. He is not happy about that and is now refusing to confirm when he'll bring them back . This is his usual tactic when things dont go his way.

So, AIBU to have asked for them to come home at a particular time, given it is 'my' weekend; and also WIBU if I say well if you can't agree to them coming back at that time, then you can see them next weekend instead, when it's 'your' weekend?

OP posts:

rhondajean · 06/01/2012 13:44

How old are they? What do they want to do?

EllenandBump · 06/01/2012 13:46

no you are not being unreasonable at all. i would now just text and say that as he is unwilling to confirm arrangements you are no longer prepared to allow him to have them on your weekend. if he wishes to take them shopping he needs to do this on his own weekend as does he any other aarangements he makes,

squeakytoy · 06/01/2012 13:46

I would say YABU really. What do the children want to do? You have them 12 days out of 14 normally, so I do think the "my weekend" "his weekend" thing is a bit petty.

Waxtart · 06/01/2012 13:48

Did you have any plans with them?

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2012 13:50

From what you've written I'd say YABU

Setting contact in rigid stone, isn't really putting the children first is it?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 06/01/2012 13:51

YANBU, but depending on how old they are, I'd see what they wanted to do. And make sure you are clear with him that it won't affect the following weekends.

Original poster

hatesponge · 06/01/2012 13:52

They are 10 and 13. They want to see him BUT they don't particularly want to stay at his (they have to sleep on the sofa when they stay with him, they prefer to be in their own beds understandably!).

I know they are with me 12 days out of 14, however I work FT so my main time with them is at the weekends, hence whilst I'm happy to be a bit accomodating & agree to them seeing him for a few hours albeit that it's my weekend, I don't want them gone for what will end up being basically the whole weekend (ie lunch Sat til whenever he feels like bringing them back on Sun if I say yes to overnight).

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 06/01/2012 13:53

What plans have you made?

Also, might earn you some brownie points with him if you need to swap a weekend or something in the coming year?

GypsyMoth · 06/01/2012 13:54

10 and 13..... You need to step back a bit now, leave it up to the dc to call you and say if they want collecting or not

sunshineandbooks · 06/01/2012 13:54

Can't you just swap the weekends so that he has them on your weekend and you have them on his? Everyone wins then, including the DC.

squeaky - depending on the domestic/school/work arrangements of the OP, she doesn't necessarily see much more of her DC than her XP. I see my DC for a grand total of 2 hours a day in the week, which consists of getting them ready and out the door for school and bathed, school book/reading sheet done and put to bed in the evening. It's hardly time to relax and enjoy child-centred family times.

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2012 13:55

How far away does he live?

sunshineandbooks · 06/01/2012 13:55

X posts.

Original poster

hatesponge · 06/01/2012 13:58

My plans for this weekend were really only to spend some time with them, which I don't get to do in the week. I can still do that Sat evening/Sunday if he just has them Sat afternoon, but obviously if they stay overnight, that just cuts into my time yet further.

OP posts:

EllenandBump · 06/01/2012 13:59

why shoule she change her plans. Basically if she lets them go, she will be waiting around all weekend not knowing what shes doing when she could make her own plans to go and meet friends and what about dinners etc, does he expect her to cook for them and then just not bring them back?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 06/01/2012 13:59

If they don't want to stay then they shouldn't have to. They are old enough to have some involvement in the arrangements as well now though.

I have simelar things with my dc sometimes, not much younger than yours, I would speak to their dad one more time, but if he continues to be a twunt, then ask the dc if they would prefer to wait until the following weekend to shop as they will have to stay over at their Dads or offer to take them shopping yourself.

Youllbewaiting · 06/01/2012 14:00

My kids are about the same age and they have a major say in where they want to stay or which parent they want to be with.

'My weekend' doesn't come into it, or it shouldn't as they get older.

squeakytoy · 06/01/2012 14:01

At 10 and 13, they really are old enough to tell him themselves that they want to go home in the evening if that is what they want to do. At 13, your eldest is very likely to want to spend more time socialising with her own friends soon too rather than being with either parent, so you need to be prepared for that.

By the time my stepchildren were 13 they just saw their Dad as and when they felt like it really. We lived in the same area, but could go weeks without actually seeing them at times.

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2012 14:01

Providing he doesn't live a million miles away, can they not just get a bus home after shopping?

Has he said why he wants them to stay and have they told him they'd rather not?

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2012 14:03

That's a good point Squeaky makes

What's going to happen to 'your weekend' and 'his weekend' when the kids want 'their weekends' with their friends?

EllenandBump · 06/01/2012 14:07

Parents have to accept that they will want time with their friends as the children grow up, but i suspect that they will stay at dads one weekend and mums the other. I suppose the parents could say no to them going out but its not going to do the children any good.

Waxtart · 06/01/2012 14:08

Is this a pattern or a one off? I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to spend your weekend with them at all, and he shouldn't be making arrangements with them without asking you first.

It's about having respect for each others' time with them and he doesn't seem to be showing much of that.

I think you should stick to your guns of having them during the day but not overnight as that's what they want, and not get drawn into the my weekend/your weekend argument.

olgaga · 06/01/2012 14:09

I don't think YABU at all. They are old enough to express a preference about their weekend arrangments. I'd just text him and say they have said they'd rather come back home afterwards. If he insists, ask them what they think. If he's insisting on overnight, they might want to leave spending their money until the following weekend, when they'll see him anyway.

If he carries on like this they'll soon be reluctant to go at all.

Original poster

hatesponge · 06/01/2012 14:11

He lives about 6-7 miles away. There's no direct route by public transport (3 different buses - I don't drive) so he has always done the picking up and dropping off, and I don't foresee the DC coming and going under their own steam for a while because of the bus changes etc. If it was one bus I'd be happy for them to make their own way if it wasn't late though I'm not sure Ex would agree.

I could take them shopping this weekend, and am happy to do so, but I know they prefer going with him because then they can go by car to Bluewater rather than just the local shopping centre.

Re spending time with their friends, DC1 does to some extent already - he has football training on a Sat morning and matches on a Sunday (which me and Ex attend depending on whose weekend it is). He normally goes out on a Sat afternoon with friends when he's here, not so much when he's with his Dad as friends are further away. I do take the point that this will be more of an issue as they both get older though.

OP posts:

forceslover · 06/01/2012 14:13

Put your feet up, go out, have a lot of "me" time and relax. A lie in on Sunday morning too! Think of the positives of a night to yourself.

pengymum · 06/01/2012 14:14

wouldn't it be simpler just to swap weekends - he take them shopping this week and you have them next weekend instead of them going to him, or would he not agree to this?

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