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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

re when my Ex sees our DC?

55 replies

hatesponge · 06/01/2012 13:35

I don't think I am BU (who does when they post here!), he clearly does but he is a tosser of the highest order who frankly thinks everything I do is wrong, so as he kicks off about most things and always wants his own way it's hard to get perspective...

Anyway, DC live with me in the week. They see him every other weekend Fri eve-Sun eve. He also sees DC2 one night each week for a few hours to take him to a sporting club. This is just agreed by us, no court order or anything in place.

Last weekend DC were with him Fri-Sun. This weekend which should therefore be 'mine' DC tell me they have arranged to go shopping with him to spend some of their Xmas money. He texts me to ask if this is ok - I say well yes (it's arranged, I think I may as well let it go ahead rather than disappoint the children) but I'd like you to drop the DC back late afternoon.

His response is to ask why he can't have them overnight. I pointed out it's my weekend. He is not happy about that and is now refusing to confirm when he'll bring them back . This is his usual tactic when things dont go his way.

So, AIBU to have asked for them to come home at a particular time, given it is 'my' weekend; and also WIBU if I say well if you can't agree to them coming back at that time, then you can see them next weekend instead, when it's 'your' weekend?

OP posts:

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 06/01/2012 14:18

Why can't he take them shopping next weekend?

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 06/01/2012 14:19

I mean 'next weekend' as in the next weeked that he's due to have them? They are not likely to spend all of their money in a week and I doubt that the shops will run out of tat stock.

seeker · 06/01/2012 14:20

If they are 10 and 13 surely it's their choice where they spend the weekend and where they stay overnight?

StrandedBear · 06/01/2012 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beamur · 06/01/2012 14:24

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
Presumably your ex either made the shopping arrangements, or went along with the kids ideas on a weekend that they are due to be with you. This shopping could wait for another week and be done on 'his' weekend.

I think by saying that they can go, but you want them dropped off at yours afterwards you are being quite accomodating.

OhDeeeeeryMe · 06/01/2012 14:25

As their mother yanbu, you each have quality time with the dcs on the weekend, why should he eat into your time?! You do all the hard work during the week so you deserve some time with them on the w/e, he should make arrangements for the w/e he has them... He's being rather childish

strawberrymivvi · 06/01/2012 14:26

I'll second or even third what Squeaky said. I was forced to spend every weekend at my dad's up until I was 16. I ended up really resenting both parents. I was a pawn in their games and in the end played them off against each other, not for money or attention, it just amused me to see how wound up they, and their partners, would get. I had learnt from the masters how play mind games. I can spot and now steer clear of "players".

I would, as others have suggested, swap your weekends if possible.

Original poster

hatesponge · 06/01/2012 14:27

seeker the thing is once they're there, because they can't make their own way home, there's not much they can do if he says he won't drop them back to me. They can (and will) ask him to bring them back, but if he says he can't or it's not convenient, then that's that.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 06/01/2012 14:57

You have yourself in a situation where he does all the driving to and fro. So if he was to be unable to get petrol/or he' broke down'....what would you do then to get them back?

Pick your battles carefully, I don't think this is one worth fighting tbh

EllenandBump · 06/01/2012 15:00

Seems like they would have no involvement in returning home to you. They sound like they would all but be stuck there, unless of course you gave them cab fare and they could get a cab back but i dont see why you should have to pay for them to get back because he has taken them out. Bluewater is fantastic and was ever so pretty once dark at christmas. Not sure if decorations are still up though!

loosyloo · 06/01/2012 15:03

the split of time seems vastly unfair on him to me

you have him 95% of the time and are still quibbling???

GypsyMoth · 06/01/2012 15:04

Oh Ellen!! In most situations parents SHARE the travel!!! Both the costs for it and the time and energy it involves. They do this because it's in the children's best interests!!!

Op is lucky here that her ex does all the legwork!

olgaga · 06/01/2012 15:13

I still don't see why it would be unreasonable for him to take them shopping the following weekend, when it's his weekend anyway.

I also don't see why the kids can't come home if they want to. Why on earth would he want to override them?

I'd just swap weekends, if the kids are happy with that - and just have them the following two. That means he doesn't see them for almost three weeks. Will that suit him?

Anyway surely the kids' views should come first, especially at their age?

Original poster

hatesponge · 06/01/2012 15:13

I agree in situations where both parents drive then travelling is or should be shared. I don't drive. Ex does. It therefore makes sense for him to deal with travelling himself. Re cost, of course he pays for petrol but (when we were still together) I paid for his car. Which probably makes us about even.

If he breaks down (this has happened) I would hope one of his family (who he lives with) would step in. Or if necessary I'd have to get the 3 buses there & back to pick them up.

Re the split of time being unfair on him, we both work FT. He can't have the children in the week as he has to leave for work at 6am. Hence he has only ever wanted to have them at weekends. Of course thats my main time with them as well, hence there has to be a bit of give and take, ie me agreeing to some time this Sat.

OP posts:

EllenandBump · 06/01/2012 15:26

I dont see its fair. I suppose with my son you'd be expecting me to take him a two and a half hour drive away, but i would have to do it on public transport, which would not be easy, its a train and a coach, then a cab at the other end, or a train, underground, train and then again a cab. He has access to a car, but i cant drive, as i am epileptic and have therefore not yet learnt, i am now stable and about to apply for a licence! If he has a car then it seems more convenient for him to do so. Also if he is inconveniencing her then surely he should at least drop the children back, seeing as he is able to pick them up! Bluewater is pretty though. Bet he'll be sorry though after the kids have dragged him around the lower mall three times and then do the same on the upper mall!!! I remember doing it to my mum for a pair of school shoes. In the end she gave in and bought the original pair i wanted, that wasnt the plan, the school were just dificult, x

MrGin · 06/01/2012 15:38

OP I'm an NRP who see's his dc every other weekend. just so you know.

I know how it can be with 'my weekend' and 'your weekend' but in my experience it's much better to remain flexible.

If he has the children for one of 'your' weekend is it really worth getting upset about ? Surely there are times when the favour will or does need to be returned ?

My weekends with dd shift around a fair bit, either because of my or my XP's work commitments or mine. If dd has a birthday party to go to, or it's her nana's b'day or mother's day etc etc we shift the weekends and agree how to make up the time.

Rigidly sticking to a schedule is worse for dc IMO

Waxtart · 06/01/2012 15:40

I don't think it's necessarily the case Olympia that travel is shared by most. Everyone's situations are different, there's no one size fits all scenario.

I don't share it annd would have no intention of doing so. That's not to say I won't be flexible and help out if needed, but I feel the least xh can do is make a journey to mine and home twice a fortnight, seeing as the vast majority of time, effort and all the expense of dd comes from me.

EllenandBump · 06/01/2012 15:42

Have to say i was always glad i never had anything like this with my parents. We only had mum and that was it (dad died), but he wouldnt have seen as that often as he was a long distance lorry driver and done coach tours to scotland in the summer for a living, so was away a lot, but he had a key (unless he had lost it) to let him self in at any time day or night despite him living in durham but his company coaches were at charlton, not too far away. x

Lueji · 06/01/2012 15:52

Why don't you just swap weekends and then have them two weekends in a row as well?

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 06/01/2012 15:57

See, I would think that both your cleverest AND most helpful to him plan would be to get on the phone and point out that you both know that they'd rather sleep in their own beds (say that - not 'be home with me' or something). Say you don't have a problem at all with them going shopping with him, you think that now they're getting older things will inevitably get more flexible depending on what THEY want to do and THEIR timetables.

Say look, I can be flexible, and I want to be, because I want them to be happiest. So you should do the same. You know they'll want their own beds: if you're going to be funny about it, you'll not only succeed in annoying me (and I'll therefore be less accommodating in future) but you'll annoy THEM - and the likely result of that will be as they get more independent they'll be less willing to do the shopping trips etc. if they think that you'll then put pressure on them to sleep on the sofa just so they're 'at yours'.

Point out that his best approach if he wants them to carry on wanting to spend weekends with him once they're teenagers able to get themselves to bluewater is to NOT be needy and insist they stay over if they clearly don't want to. Surely he can see that the sofa might not be their first choice, and he should be ok with that, and let them choose.

Point out to him that this pressurising approach is only going to see them pull away from committing to time with him once they have the choice. But be cool about this weekend, and next time he asks for a favour... say no!

Original poster

hatesponge · 06/01/2012 17:29

I wouldnt swap weekends mainly because if I did I can guarantee something else would come up next weekend, and I would only end up seeing them half of that one as well.

And thecrunch I'd love to have that sort of conversation with him; however for various reasons we do not speak to each other. I last had a conversation with him in 2009 and have not seen him since 2010. All our discussions have to be conducted by text which can be somewhat limited!

OP posts:

olgaga · 07/01/2012 20:58

Hi OP, hope things have sorted themselves - I think at your DC age they are well within their rights to start expressing their own opinions. Might be difficult for them, but then it's a difficult situation, right? Not of their own making, of course.

At their age, I'd just go with what the kids think. If he refuses to bring them home when they want, they'll soon stop wanting to see him at all.

Original poster

hatesponge · 07/01/2012 21:23

We ended up with a compromise of sorts. I had forgotten today is Ex's birthday (and like the prat he is, he didn't mention it!). So in the circs I can see why he wanted to spend the day with them, so we have agreed they will stay overnight, but they're back first thing tomorrow (hopefully) so we still have a whole day together.

OP posts:

EllenandBump · 07/01/2012 21:40

Glad to see that you came to a compromise that everyone is happy with. x

olgaga · 07/01/2012 21:53

Pleased it got sorted, after a fashion. Think TheCrunchUnderfoot made some very worthwhile suggestions about how you might approach things in future. I'd certainly tell him, look let's have a bit more advance notice if things are going to be out of sequence, huh? Just so the kids know what they're doing.

Well done, be strong, feel for you.

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