Rich relations interrogating me about my finances…

[corygal]

Background: I?m saving for a flat in London. I?m single and need help, which generally comes from family, but not received any. (Family solvent and ungenerous.)

Problem: my wealthy uncle, who scooped the pool with a large inheritance from my grandparents, keeps interrogating me about money. When I see him he asks how ?the flat? is going and launches a 40-minute audit probe into the detail of my bank accounts, spending, costs, etc. While I have nothing to be ashamed of, the forensic levels of detail leave me squirming. I find it intrusive and invasive.

Question: If one of your relations had been doing this for 10 years without producing anything to help, what would you think their motives were?

Why don't you just look him in the eye and say "and this is your business because?"
Or are you trying to not upset him in the hope of getting your hands on his money one day? Or does he dangle the thought of money in front of you to get you to tell him what he wants to know? If he does, he's using it to try and have some control or hold over you. You need to decide how beholden to him you are willing to ever be, and if he was to offer you some money, what strings it would have attached.
You don't actually have any right to any of your family's money you know.

Ask him? Maybe he want's to help with advice rather than money? If you don't want to discuss with him don't. You do sound a bit like you feel he should be coughing up for you - is that the case?

God you sound hideously entitled.

YABU for giving him any of the details of your finances.
his motive - nosy.

Wealthy or not its not okay,

its classless and tacky to ask invasive questions about peoples money , YANBU.

i don't think she sounds entitled. why deos she? many people get help from family. it is a bit odd that she is interrogated, but if you are looking for help from family, yo probably do have to prove that yuo are not being profligate. she shuold ask him his motives

Cheers all (except abbierhodes, cackle.)

maybe he needs to figure out who to put in his will

Just ask him why he wants to know.

He's being rude and intrusive but may think he's being helpful and somehow keeping you on the right track. I agree about asking him, with genuine puzzlement, why he's so interested.

You do sound as though you expect your family to help you and are resentful that they haven't. For your own happiness, an attitude of expecting nothing and being pleased and surprised if you do get something will make for a more enjoyable life. They could all leave everything to the cat's home. In my view, you are an adult and responsible for yourself. If someone chooses to help you, that's lovely.

Maybe he's asking because he would be able to offer good advice if you were doing something wrong?

You do sound very entitled though. If you didn't want to share details of your finances you should have just declined to tell him, instead of telling him in the hope that you were going to get some money out of it and then ending up resenting it.

It was your choice to tell, it's his choice what he does with his money.

His advice consists of telling me to buy property in cash because it's cheaper than a mortgage! When I explained there wasn't that sum knocking about (as he had been told countless times), he went quiet.

Thing is, I have a nasty feeling he's garden-pathing me. He offered to help with a deposit once, and since then, nowt. I really do feel led on. How do I deal with it?

My parents told me about their finances over Christmas and kind of asked our opinions about what they should do. I ended up telling them about our finances too. It can be difficult to get these kind of boundaries right in families - hard to know how involved to be in each others affairs, including financial ones.

Ask him.

The next time he starts whiffling on about your finances, say, while we're on the topic of money, you offered to help me out with my deposit, do you still want to do that? Just it would be really helpful to know for my calculations of what I can afford and where.

And see what he says.

He's not shy talking about money so ask him. Then you'll know one way or another

(I come from a family where there is lots of help and everyone talks openly about money and wills and stuff - it seems easier that way to me but I know a lot on MN don't like it so you will get a lot of different answers)

Thanks so much. I think I will stop being delicate and just ask.

I'm so running the gauntlet asking a family money question here - at least I know no one could be nastier than some Mumsnsetters love to be. As it happens, only 1 in 6 people don't get family help with property these days, so I'm not sure how feeling entitled comes into it.

MY FIL has a habit of prying and interfering in my personal finances. My own parents never do this and when I was new to the family I found myself fuming over this.

Over time, I realised he does this to every one he is close to. And often offers excellent financial advice owing to his vast experience of running businesses and knowing taxation etc. He has helped us twice by loaning us substantial amounts. So your uncle may just be trying to be helpful.

Nevertheless, I do find myself changing the topic when I am with him just to avoid the interrogation.

Five out of six people buying property are getting help from rich relatives? I didn't know that. Explains why most people I know are in expensive private rentals and social housing then.

Your Uncle sounds a bit strange, OP. I think you might be right about the garden-pathing.

The reason many people buying now get help from family, is because most people can't afford to be 1st time buyers.

I am not rich, but much better off than my niece and nephews. I would happily help my kids. But tbh I would be pretty annoyed if a niece or nephew thought I should give them money to help them buy a property. Help them if they can't pay a heating bill or an emergency yes, but buying a property is not essential.

Although I agree he seems pretty nosy. He may be asking because he has been considering giving you money, but maybe doesn't think your finances mean that he no wants to? e.g. he may think you are not careful enough with your money.

I agree that you just need to ask him.

How often do you see him anyhow? People who have no conversation other than money are (IMHO) dull, so perhaps finding a way just to reduce contact might be the answer.

YANBU it dowright rude, tell him that its none of his business, or when he does ask you those personal questions, bring it right back to him and , you say well do you want to help, then!

Do you mean that the only people able to become first-time buyers are currently those with family help? While the rest rent? So 5 in 6 FT buyers rather than 5 in 6 people who'd like to be FT buyers (and this must be first-timers, most older people certainly don't get help, so it's not 'people'). I just don't like dodgy stats.

Anyway, how you feel is up to you and everyone's relationship with their family is different, so in yours help may be very normal, you may have been led to believe it would be there, find you're being treated differently to others and understandably feel miffed. I felt I was an adult at 18 and financially responsible for myself from that point onwards. If it hadn't been so at 18 it certainly would at 21. I've been very pleased and grateful when family members have helped since, whether that's paying for flghts so I can visit them, giving generous gifts or whatever.

I am aware that I was able to buy a house ten years ago (in a scruffy part of a Midlands town) with an easily obtained mortgage within 3.5x my salary and that people can't easily do that now. Market conditions are not your family's fault though (not unless you want to start blaming a whole generation, who might not agree).

More supportively, I find that lots of people are really poor at understanding situations beyond their own experience, even beyond their current experience - people reinvent themselves and distort and select memories as they get older - so your uncle may well just not grasp why you cannot save enough to buy a flat outright. You might choose to open his eyes about that, which would require being all the more detailed about your situation and showing him what sort of flat and where can be obtained for what and how limited mortgages are these days. That might prove eye-opening 'what, you'd have to live here?!'.

why don't you just ask him to give you money, thats all you want

you hate it that he's got more than you and you are trying to find a way for him to realise he should just give you some of his money

aren't you?

Next time he starts, your only response should be "Why do you ask?". If he gives a noncommital answer e.g. "just interested" be similarly noncommital back. Do not offer any details beyond the level of detail that he offers.

It could just be that he has had money for so long that he forgets what it's like not to be flush (hence his seeming assumption that you can buy property with cash). Most of us see ourselves as being normal (apart from the megalomaniacs and the narcissistic ) so we tend to assume, subconsciously at least, that what we have/do/think is what everyone has/does/thinks. Thoughtlessness on his part rather than garden-pathing/inheritance planning.

You are absolutely within your rights to tell him to naff off, that it's not his business.

But I suspect that he is trying to help, maybe he thinks that there are ways he can help you manage your money better, after all if he has a lot then he should have a decent bit of financial knowledge.

Why not actually utilise that rather than expect a handout? I have a number of very wealthy relatives, one is a multi-millionaire several times over but I would never, ever expect them just to give me money. Why should they?!