Rich relations interrogating me about my finances…

[corygal]

Background: I?m saving for a flat in London. I?m single and need help, which generally comes from family, but not received any. (Family solvent and ungenerous.)

Problem: my wealthy uncle, who scooped the pool with a large inheritance from my grandparents, keeps interrogating me about money. When I see him he asks how ?the flat? is going and launches a 40-minute audit probe into the detail of my bank accounts, spending, costs, etc. While I have nothing to be ashamed of, the forensic levels of detail leave me squirming. I find it intrusive and invasive.

Question: If one of your relations had been doing this for 10 years without producing anything to help, what would you think their motives were?

Firstly the 5 in 6 assisted is simple garbage:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-16183341

Has up to date stats, and the UK average is 35% unassisted. However assisted doesn't mean they just got money from the parents, it also includes people who left the housing market and returned - so sell up for a couple of years, sit on some cash and you're an assisted first time buyer by those stats.

He is being unreasonable, well nosy actually, asking you about your finances, however you are also being unreasonable in expecting an uncle to pay for your housing. Why on earth should he?

Just to say thateven those assisted may be getting a small amount of assistance. I know friends who have been grateful to be given 3k or 5k towards a deposit by parents. They are assisted and are grateful for this, but they are not being given enormous handouts.

I think OP is getting a bit of a hard time. I think that lots of first time buyers do get some financial help, more likely from parents than uncles, and not necessarily large amounts of money.

Uncle sounds out of touch if he thinks that people can afford to buy without mortgages.

Pity you ever discussed finances with him. Once you've started doing something it's hard to stop. Might have been easier if you'd never discussed the subject with him when he first started asking

It is normal in lots of families that they help each other out. It is normal in lots of families that wealth is filtered through from the older to the younger.

I understand that many families and individuals do not operate like this, but I do think it is out of line to say that there is something wrong with those families who do.

But these threads are always the same.

My wealthy and rather unkind aunt enquired where I had bought my daughter's dress from. When I replied that I had bought it from a certain designer shop she exclaimed cruelly,
"You can afford to shop at ?"
The whole room went quiet and everyone stared. I had a new baby as well as my daughter and was a single mum since their father had taken to being physically and emotionally abusive. I don't know where I found the strength, but I looked her in the eye, smirked and said,
"Aunt , I never discuss money."
After that, she was the one who looked distinctly uncomfortable. I have not seen her since then (7 years ago).
Sorry if it sounds ranty, but I think you need to establish his motives and if he is being rudely invasive then a few good one-liners could be very useful. Otherwise, it may actually be that he feels that he thinks you have a shared interest in saving and simply has little else to say.

I know a couple of people who have inherited large sums of money. They are both very intelligent people but genuinely struggle to understand how long it would take the average person to achieve the same things by saving up that they were just given.

Example - 1 person "surprised" that so many parents of DC in her DD's private school chose to work full time. When I suggested that there was a strong possibility that this was necessary to pay the fees she genuinely looked totally baffled.

Just wondering if your uncle's questions are out of his ignorance - he cant' understand why you haven't bought a flat yet as you've been saving for so long.

I dont believe that 5 out of 6 people get help...I dont know anyone that has help from family buying a property.

I cant stand people who think that they are entitled to other peoples money family or not, we should make our own way in life without sponging off other people.

From the "generally comes from family ... family solvent but ungenerous" comment you come across as pretty entitled. Plenty of people save for houses (even in London) without family assistance. Most do have to do it as a couple though. If you really want to own a house as a singleton and don't earn a huge amount you may have to look outside London.

Re the uncle, all you have to do is quietly tell him it's none of his business. I can't imagine why that would be a huge problem.

I would just say politely that you don't want to discuss the details of your bank accounts etc, and change the subject onto something else.

Don't think you can expect relatives to give you money though, now you're an adult, especially when they're not even your own parents. Yes of course it would be nice if they did want to be generous and help you out with a gift, but if they don't, there's no point dwelling on it.

In my experience most people rent until they can save up enough for a deposit, which can sometimes take a long time, that's just how the housing market is at the moment. I don't know anyone who's had a house or flat bought for them by rich relatives - maybe I'm not mixing with the same sorts of people you are!

I think you are having a really hard time OP. I feel differently about inheritances than I do about 'earned' money. Your uncle is lucky that he inherited tons from his parents. You don't have a right to that money, but I think it is quite normal to hope that he might see fit to share some of the family money around tbh. I would feel different if he had made his own money

I am selling a lovely small house in central London at the moment. Every single person (or couple, all in their late twenties/early thirties) who has put in an offer has had big big deposits, presumably from parents downshifting.

You should just be able to ask outright why he wants to know and why he keeps asking.

Ha ha that sounded like a stealth boast, we are not talking chelsea mews, its a classic ftb place

Have you asked him for money and he refused? if you ask him or mention your money needs or complain about your ungenerous family in front of him then i think he is in the right to talk about money. I tend to think if people talk about their financial situation in front of you then you would feel entitle to ask them questions - he could feel that he is helping you by giving advice

And you need to get over your sense of entitlement - it is irrelevant what other people do. No-one is entitled to buy a flat/house on their own in london - people save and compromise (share ownership/buy in other areas/rent and save)

Thanks so much levantine and all.

So I'm 'entitled'? My deepest wish is that I didn't need help, let alone have to hope for it - and hope in vain, too.

Posters who shriek 'entitled' should take pleasure in the fact that I am wasting half my income renting a tiny shabby studio - last month when the lift broke I fell on dark, dirty stairs and ended up in A&E with septicaemia. That should make you feel better, ladies.

maybe he wants you yto stand on your own two feet but maybe if you were in real trouble he would then say well you seem to be really struggling financially and offer you some help. if you dont feel comfgortable him asking just be very vague about it all, like well you know food and bills. cant remember what i have in my bank account would depend on what direct debit have gone out. x

I think you should let go of the idea that most people get significant amounts in help, my DB was given £7k by my parents when he bought his house, I got a similar amount, but only because my DB had, we didn't need it really and it just meant as we moved in we could buy new sofas and fridge etc straight away.

I also think you should stop assuming he will help if you're clear enough that you need help. if he was going to, he would by now, so refuse to discuss your finances again. Hard because you've done it once. Just say something along the lines of "not much has changed since you last asked, its all a bit dull. Did you hear about Aunty X's latest holiday?"

levantine - I had a big deposit when me and my dp bought our current house in our early 30's. It was from the sale of our 1st house, for which we had paid off the mortgage. No family help at all.

Its all very well people buying with family help, but there are some people whose famillies arent even able to help with a deposit and rent in advance for a rental property, maybe her uncle sees that and wants to alow her to make her own way in life so that maybe when she does really NEED the money he will be in a position to help her? I assume he also has other family that may require assistance too. Maybe once she has bought a place or put in an offer he will help her kit it out? Maybe he wants her to feel unobligated, the place she has is ALL hers, she got it off her own back and on her own merits?

Ok lesley. These people definitely had deposits from their families. One went back to ask her grandmother for a bit more. Not a scientific sample obv but quite typical in london now ime

What do you mean wasting your money renting a shabby studio? is it rent that you regard as waste or the shabbiness? how old are you?

Apologies for sounding snippy. There are a lot of people in their sixties who.are very wealthy due to property. God knows if I were I'd hand some to my dcs

I know what a previous poster was saying about people not being able to see outside of their own experience. My Dad thinks DH and I are mad wasting money renting a housing association house. He thinks we should get a mortgage. With no deposit. On one salary. At the age of forty. On a three-bed house in a S.E commuter town with all the associated costs of buying and repairs.

Because he thinks our £400 per week rent is "steep"

Not a clue.

Eek! Sorry - £400 per MONTH. That would be a bit steep