To feel desperately desperately sad and quite jealous when I hear someone described as a "natural mother"...

[fullofregrets]

Because I'm not one?
Apologies as this may be long.

I had my son two and a half years ago and struggled right from the start. My pregnancy was very difficult, it was high risk as I am a type 1 diabetic and it was made worse by terrible morning sickness which required hospitalisation four times. My son was premature and was delivered by emergency c-section as he was breech and in distress.
I found it very very difficult to bond with him. I felt nothing for him in a positive way for at least the first six months. I looked after his physical needs but I would have quite happily given him away to get my old life back. He wasn't an easy baby and had colic, he also found it difficult to self soothe and if over tired he would cry, sometimes for several hours at a time. He had a tongue tie which caused him to take in air when feeding. I tried and tried to breast feed (which was something I had really wanted) but failed at that too. He wouldn't latch and because he was prem was really drowsy and would just fall asleep. On the advice of my midwife and pressure from my HV I ended up expressing for six months, every three hours day and night. He was exclusively breast milk fed for four months but then I could not keep up the demand and he had some formula to supplement.
If I am honest I felt not much for him for a year and actively resented him for at least six months. I was so tired, my husband was away a lot on business so I didn't get a break and I wouldn't take help from anyone else and pretended everything was great. It wasn't. It was the worst time of my life. Periodically I considered taking a load of sleeping tablets and an insulin overdose. Now I can barely remember the first year of my son's life, it just seems a haze of misery and darkness.
Around the time he was one I started to feel something like the love I'd expected to feel when he was born and by 18 months I actively adored him. As his sleeping pattern improved and I wasn't so tired and he developed his own little personality the despair I'd originally felt largely lifted. I now feel terribly terribly guilty that I ever felt I didn't want him and worry sometimes that my emotional detachment in that first year has damaged him in some way.

I now still feel extremely sad when I think back to the time he was born, he was so wanted and we were so excited when I fell pregnant. I see my friends on FB announce natural births and be so proud of their babies and I admit I am jealous. I never felt like that. I was embarrassed of my son (sorry I know it is awful) when he was born and certainly would never have said, like my friend on FB yesterday about her new baby, that he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and I couldn't stop staring at him. I wish I had felt like that, I wanted to, it just didn't happen. And it makes me sad when I see people calling others "natural mothers." I couldn't have been much worse, no natural birth, terrible pregnancy, couldn't breast feed, couldn't bond.

I saw someone on FB last week receive a comment that said "You're such a good mother, we can't believe how naturally you've taken to it!" And it still hits a raw nerve. Not that they don't deserve the praise and shouldn't be proud but because that was how I always thought hoped it would be for me - that I'd take to it naturally - and I couldn't have been more wrong.

My DH now wants a second child, and prior to having my son I would have said I'd have liked two children but I now think having already failed one child it would be wrong to have a second one. No one in RL knows how bad things were, even DH and I have named changed on here in case I am recognised.

AIBU to still feel so sad when I look back on this time? I would die for my son now and couldn't love him any more than I do, but this is turn makes me feel so bad for how I felt at the start of his life.

YANBU to feel that way. I guess some people take to things like 'a duck to water' and some don't. There's nothing wrong with saying someone is a natural though, but its understandable that when you hear it you'd feel sad and jealous, because we always kick ourselves the hardest don't we?

Its okay to feel sad about your son's early years, but look where you are now, that is something to be very proud of.

Just because it didn't all come with ribbons and bows and a 'natural' ease, doesn't make you less of a mother. In fact, in some ways, the challenges you've overcome make you a wonderful mum I think.

Focus on the positive stuff. Those early years will always make you feel a little sad, but if you tell remind yourself of how much you achieve maybe it will sting a little less. x

" I ended up expressing for six months, every three hours day and night. He was exclusively breast milk fed for four months but then I could not keep up the demand and he had some formula to supplement."

For this ALONE, you rock. Your post has made me all tearful. You sound very hard on yourself. And a v lovely person, whom your son is lucky to have as his mum.

Honey, I really don't think anybody is REALLY a natural mother/parent, EVERYONE works hard to do their best and struggles at one time or another, although you have had to struggle a lot more than most. Most people try to show a rosy version of things to the outside world, as you admit you did too!!! And people try to make postive comments or encouragement -it doesn't mean that it's whole-heartedly true. So although in their moments of happiness your friends are posting positives, I am sure that they also have worries and difficult times too - it is such an up-and-down journey. One might argue that having been through all that you have been through and come out the other end, you are stronger for it and should be all the more proud of yourself. And clearly you have developed a very strong love and bond with your son now! Please don't compare yourself to others - it is the relationship you have now with your son that matters. You didn't fail your son in the first year - you battled through a very tough time with very little support - and you did it for your son, no matter how negative you felt at the time.

Sorry, my post might have sounded as if I was saying everyone struggles not just you... what I am trying to say it was a lot worse for you but it doesn't mean everyone else is perfect - they're not. Oh dear, I don't know how to express what I am trying to say. Anyway, you worked VERY VERY hard for your son and you should be VERY VERY pround of yourself.

you seem to think that somebody that is 'a natural' at something is better than somebody who 'works bloody hard' at something. i don't agree. i think that working hard at something (sport, academics, mothering) can be and often is more impressive and worthy of praise than just doing what comes naturally.

you should be proud of your acheivement, because it's taken effort.

FB is just for boasting, don't believe everything you read. If one of your friends post a photo of their newborn baby you HAVE to say the are gorgeous, even if they are have misshapen head and look pretty much like every other newborn.

Natural births are overrated. As long as mum and baby survive intact, its a good birth.

You looked after and cared for your son, despite feeling shit, with little support. You have not failed your son at all. The opposite in fact.

Try not to beat yourself up over things you can't change.

What is a natural mother? One who effortlessly sails through pg and motherhood without a hair out place and a song in her heart?
If so, I don't think I know a single one.

Parenting is hard, the first couple of months is physically knackering and if you are expressing as well you must have been almost crushed by the lack of sleep especially if your DH was not always there to support you. Yet, you carried on and and looked after your DS no matter what you were feeling.

You see in my book, that is really what been a natural parent is about. No matter how crap you are feeling, no matter how much you want to give up and walk away you carry on looking after your child. You say you didn't bond but nevertheless you cared for your son day after day no matter how you felt, I see that as an act of love. Being a parent isn't all hearts and flowers sometimes its hard graft that you do because you care.

I think you have done a great job to get to where you are.

Yanbu - you can't help how you feel.

However, ignore ignore ignore comments on FB! The person who made the comment probably doesn't know what she's talking about.

When I had my first, to the outside world, I probably looked like I had taken to motherhood like a duck to water. Even the MW said, "wow, you're so relaxed!" but inside I was so low. I felt empty because I missed being pregnant and it didn't feel how I thought it was going to feel. I didn't feel like DD1 was mine and I was frightened to cuddle her. Looking back now, I think that I probably had PND. I feel a bit sad and robbed and I feel guilty about the way I felt, particularly when i hear about that "rush of love" as I had to grow to love DD1 .

When I was pg with DD2 I was expecting the same again but she looked so much like DD1 I couldn't do anything but love her straight away, which makes me feel more guilty!

I think that you are being too hard on yourself and suffering the usual mother's complaint of guilt.

I had a horrendous birth with my first child, it lasted 30 hours and although she was born 'naturally', I had bad tearing and it didn't feel very natural at all. I felt as if I had been assaulted and that all dignity had flown out of the window.

Although my dd was a relatively easy baby I was a panicky first time mum and fed her whenever she so much as squawked. As a result she used me like a dummy and I'd feed her about 15 times a day. I appreciate that they should be fed on demand but she was being very demanding. I remember when she was 4 months' old looking at her in a very detached manner and not really feeling any emotion towards her at all.

Luckily my NCT group were fab and really supportive. We didn't lie about the lack of sleep and the bad bits of being a mother. Once I started getting more sleep, eating better and then feeling better, I started to really enjoy being a mother.

My dc was a very much wanted little girl. It had taken us a while to conceive her and I had always wanted a girl. I absolutely adore her and would give my life for her in a heartbeat but I don't agonise about my feelings at the beginning.

It is a shock becoming a mother and although some people adjust to it better than others that doesn't mean that they deserve a gold medal. I do think that sleep or the lack of it is a huge factor and I'm not surprised you were exhausted, particularly as your ds was colicky.

I was a much more relaxed mum the second time round and had no problems with my ds.

Don't assume that you'll feel the same way the second time round. If you do then don't be afraid to ask for help whether that be from your gp or from your family or friends.

These responses have made me cry.
Thank you

i suppose i feel i am a natural mum, never had one days morning sickness or pregnancy illness ever, never had stitches or hassle afterwards and I have always found it easy to nurture and love my children, and am naturally a very patient person who likes being a mum

but that doesnt make me better than anyone else, just lucky.

My experience with DD1 was very similar to yours, she is now 11 and is truly oblivious to those first very fraught months when it would be her father who attended to most of her needs because I was exhausting myself with expressing and feeding in the total and utter conviction that FF would be to harm my child. The moment I gave up expressing and accepted FF, my love flooded for her . It was a real struggle because the expectations of being a mother the first time were so huge and unrealistic, I was never going to meet them. I waited 4 years before I felt confident to have DD2, I had no such expectations and was delighted when she BF without trauma(though sleep was a different matter) and bonded immediately. You can have a completely different journey when your expectations are more realistic, and very guiltily say that I enjoyed DD2 soooo much more than I ever did with DD1. (Though am now equally in love with both my DDs)

You have not failed your son and you would not fail a second child if you were to have one.
Did you get any help and support for how you felt?
You put your son first through a really tough time. Apart from anything else exclusively exprssing for 4 months must have been incredibly hard work with little immediate reward. Your son is a very lucky boy.

Sorry the lucky boy comment isn't in relation to the breastmilk, that's just part of it.

Parenting is a learned art. No one is born knowing how to mother. I feel tearful reading your post as I feel you are being so hard on yourself.

I have a seven year gap between my children because of fear of postnatal depression/ anxiety. I loved my son deeply but the first two years of his life were truely wretched.

However my second child has been a joy. It wasn't such a shock as last time. I was more confident with what I was doing and I had a more effective health visitor. I was very upfront with my midwife and health visitor that I was at serious risk of depressiqon. (Ie. about 50% of women get depression again with a second baby)

There are things you can do to prepare yourself mentally. For example in some areas Mind do wellbeing courses for women. It may help you to read up on CBT books during pregnancy. Prehaps you can ask your health visitor to do the edinburgh questionaire with you at 8 weeks and 6 months.

Please don't worry about your son. Children are surprisingly resilent.

full Don't be so hard on yourself. You and your son had various physical difficulties which have made the first bit extra difficult. Whether the birth and early months are easy or difficult is largely down to luck and when people give themselves credit for having an easy time they are being a bit daft.

Motherhood is a long road. Some of the smug brigade may find that they're dreadful with teenagers. You may turn out to be just fantastic

YANBU to feel sad about the beginning. I really feel for you. I desperately wanted a natural birth and ended up with an EMCS and it still feels like I did something wrong and if I'd been "better at it" things would have been different. At my more rational I can see this is codswallop. You did the best you could in difficult circumstances and have worked hard to be a good mother. Just as commendable as being a natural and falling into it.

It sounds like you have done amazingly well and are a very natural mother! You have cared for your son and been with him through everything - please don't think you have 'failed' him. You can't compare yourself to anyone else in terms of motherhood. Some people may love the baby stage and find toddlers very difficult. The people you now think are 'natural' mothers would almost certainly have struggled just as you did if they had been in your circumstances.
YANBU to feel sad, but I think you are being too hard on yourself if you allow this to prevent you from having a second child (if you want one in other respects).
Have you had any counselling to talk this through? Were you ever diagnosed with PND? Considering taking an overdose is obviously a sign of severe mental distress and it sounds like you could do with some help with coming to terms with it all. As easy it is to say, the past has happened, there is nothing you can do to change it, you did your best, but you CAN change the present and the future by forgiving yourself, doing what you need to move on and not letting it affect your decisions in the future.
Un-Mumsnet and the best of luck.

You can't say that you expressed milk every three hours for six months and claim not to be a great or natural mother. You just can't.
You were sleep-deprived and alone. As soon as the sleep got better your feelings came through the clouds (IYSWIM)....they always were there, just hidden by a haze.

Have a think about how you can ask for more help next time round, I think that's the only thing you need to do differently.

It has taken a lot of councelling for me to realise I don't have to be a 'brilliant' mother, I beat myself up for 7 years, it is fine to just do the best you can.

I now fully accept that I am an 'okay Mum' there are bits of parenting that I do very well (cuddles, sillly songs, reading books) bits I am crap at (imaginative play, not shouting, patience) and all the rest I just muddle through.

This makes me pretty much like all other Mums, including you, you have nothing to feel bad abou

Hi, if I knew you I'd give you a hug and tell you to stop giving yourself such a hard time. You sound like it's all been a bit of a nightmare rather than a dream and you also sound like you might have had post natal depression. But the overview that I take out of your story is that you're punishing yourself for each and every part and that very little was within your control. Go back to your story and see the bits, 1) bad pregnancy 2) bad birth 3) lack of natural birth with natural endorphins flowing your way 4) bad breast feeding 5) husband away 6) new baby, learning how to be a mother, no sleep - none of these things are within your control or your fault. I don't know much about PND, but you do sound like you had it and maybe you could look into it now - it might make you feel more able to approach a second baby and also seek some help so you can stop punishing yourself.

I felt very similar towards my DS for the first 6 months, the rush of emotion didn't come, it was hard, hard work with no reward and I wondered what I'd done. I also had a c-section, although the BF bit for me was easier. I've since had a 2nd, which was slightly accidental as 1st DS was only 1 when I got pg. So the main difference for me was with the 2nd one, I got all the endorphins and feelings and everything you read about - so I've had it both ways.

I now believe that for those of us who don't get the rush of love (that we are brainwashed to expect) we feel it's us. I believe it's our hormones. The feelings I had for no. 2 were incredible but illogical. He wasn't any prettier, but I thought he was gorgeous, he wasn't any better at feeding, but my feelings towards him gushed. I think when you have a baby without all the feelings, actually you're just reacting more like the father - although without the torment that mums go through emotionally and physically. The dad does very little but catch a perfect baby. The mum has been ripped apart and is expected to close the difficult chapter of the previous 9 months and birth and start the new chapter which is 'life'. I just don't think it's possible, without dealing with what's just happened - or getting the hormones that help you move on so quickly. Why we didn't get the hormones I have no idea, but I do know it's nothing I did or said, as I desperately wanted my little boy and had every expectation to feel as I'd been programmed to expect.

2 more things. If, as I think, we missed out on the natural hormone rush, then you can argue that instead of 'falling in love', we just got to know our new baby over time, which is why after about 18 months onwards, as their little personalities start to show through, that's when we started to love them. And not by 'falling in love' but truly loving them for who they are - that's no bad thing.

I have also wondered if I have affected my little boy by not being the 'earth mother' he deserved. And also, I have the double whammy of bringing home a second baby when he was 22 months who I was gushing over. I've come to the conclusion that it's unlikely, always possible, but unlikely. And because I love the ground he walks on now, I try a little harder. Talking to him, time with him, explaining stuff, telling him how much I love him as well as smothering him in cuddles - even though he's not huggy. And even before the new one came home, I was acting out all the things above because I knew he needed it, even though I didn't feel it and it didn't come naturally. So, to save myself a lifetime of potential guilt, based on feelings not fact, I'm going to assume that all is ok.

Give yourself a pat on the back and feel good about all you have achieved. You sound like a fabulous mum who had a really rough start, but it's ok now, so move on. And if you want a second baby, don't look back, just think whether you really want one, whether you have the energy for it and whether your body can cope, and if so, go for it. Even if you go through the same thing again, you'll be ready for it this time, have coping strategies for it, and you'll know that in 18 months or so your love will develop and you can just get on with happy, family life. Good luck! xx

Sorry, rambled on a bit about myself there

What I was trying to say is that people always try to make their lives look a certain way on FB. They always make it sound like their lives are better/more fun than they actually are. People only choose the best more flattering photos of themselves.

Things are probably not as great as they seem if you dig deeper

Oh lovey don't be so hard on yourself.

It sounds to me like through all of the struggle and bad feelings, you and your baby have come out on top! You put yourself into second place and cared for your baby first. THAT is being a mum. It sounds certainly like you had PND and to work through that, alone and with a crying baby 24/7 you are a very strong and determined woman. Your baby is lucky to have you. Try and look at the positives and your feelings now when deciding whether to have %232 and confide in your MW if you do decide to go for it and they can then support you better.

loosyloo I do find your post rather unempathetic for someone who self identifies as a natural mother. In what way was it intended to assist the OP with her difficult feelings?

Just to repeat what others have said.

You've done a fantastic job through difficult circumstances and should be very proud. I think you've done more for your son than i could've in the same situation. Well done you.

Breastfeeding and natural birth are all very well if it works out but what really counts in the end is that you've delivered the baby and fed him. Doesn't matter how.

Let regrets be in the past and enjoy what you have now. Don't let them cloud the future.

As for FB, read everything on there with a pinch of salt. Hardly anyone i know ever expresses their real feeling, its just one big brag fest.

Enjoy the now and look forward to the future.