To feel desperately desperately sad and quite jealous when I hear someone described as a "natural mother"...

[fullofregrets]

Because I'm not one?
Apologies as this may be long.

I had my son two and a half years ago and struggled right from the start. My pregnancy was very difficult, it was high risk as I am a type 1 diabetic and it was made worse by terrible morning sickness which required hospitalisation four times. My son was premature and was delivered by emergency c-section as he was breech and in distress.
I found it very very difficult to bond with him. I felt nothing for him in a positive way for at least the first six months. I looked after his physical needs but I would have quite happily given him away to get my old life back. He wasn't an easy baby and had colic, he also found it difficult to self soothe and if over tired he would cry, sometimes for several hours at a time. He had a tongue tie which caused him to take in air when feeding. I tried and tried to breast feed (which was something I had really wanted) but failed at that too. He wouldn't latch and because he was prem was really drowsy and would just fall asleep. On the advice of my midwife and pressure from my HV I ended up expressing for six months, every three hours day and night. He was exclusively breast milk fed for four months but then I could not keep up the demand and he had some formula to supplement.
If I am honest I felt not much for him for a year and actively resented him for at least six months. I was so tired, my husband was away a lot on business so I didn't get a break and I wouldn't take help from anyone else and pretended everything was great. It wasn't. It was the worst time of my life. Periodically I considered taking a load of sleeping tablets and an insulin overdose. Now I can barely remember the first year of my son's life, it just seems a haze of misery and darkness.
Around the time he was one I started to feel something like the love I'd expected to feel when he was born and by 18 months I actively adored him. As his sleeping pattern improved and I wasn't so tired and he developed his own little personality the despair I'd originally felt largely lifted. I now feel terribly terribly guilty that I ever felt I didn't want him and worry sometimes that my emotional detachment in that first year has damaged him in some way.

I now still feel extremely sad when I think back to the time he was born, he was so wanted and we were so excited when I fell pregnant. I see my friends on FB announce natural births and be so proud of their babies and I admit I am jealous. I never felt like that. I was embarrassed of my son (sorry I know it is awful) when he was born and certainly would never have said, like my friend on FB yesterday about her new baby, that he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and I couldn't stop staring at him. I wish I had felt like that, I wanted to, it just didn't happen. And it makes me sad when I see people calling others "natural mothers." I couldn't have been much worse, no natural birth, terrible pregnancy, couldn't breast feed, couldn't bond.

I saw someone on FB last week receive a comment that said "You're such a good mother, we can't believe how naturally you've taken to it!" And it still hits a raw nerve. Not that they don't deserve the praise and shouldn't be proud but because that was how I always thought hoped it would be for me - that I'd take to it naturally - and I couldn't have been more wrong.

My DH now wants a second child, and prior to having my son I would have said I'd have liked two children but I now think having already failed one child it would be wrong to have a second one. No one in RL knows how bad things were, even DH and I have named changed on here in case I am recognised.

AIBU to still feel so sad when I look back on this time? I would die for my son now and couldn't love him any more than I do, but this is turn makes me feel so bad for how I felt at the start of his life.

I didn't have any support and wasn't diagnosed with PND. I know it was PND but unfortunately I wasn't very comfortable speaking to my HV and had this irrational fear that if I admitted how bad I felt they'd take my baby away from me. My HV wasn't very supportive regarding the feeding and actually I think possibly if I had dropped the expressing sooner I might have felt better more quickly. Certainly being so exhausted from expressing at night and then feeding DS did not help. Unfortunately when I told HV how tired I was her attitude seemed to be (although I admit I was possibly not at my most rational and was probably oversensitive) that stopping expressing was the wrong thing to do and she actually encouraged me to express more frequently at 4 months rather than introduce formula. But I just couldn't and even if I had I doubt I'd have kept up with the demand of my son.
Happily when DS was about 6 months my HV changed and my new one is lovely so if I ever did have a second child and she was still working in my area I might feel better talking to her.
I know my own health did not help as the stress caused my diabetes to become difficult to manage and I started catching ever bug going, probably through not eating properly and not sleeping.

Thank you again for the responses, seeing how other people have faced similar challenges makes me feel less alone. It just seems that all my friends have had "easy" children who slept through early, fed well and they all had natural births also. I sometimes feel the odd one out. Also some now have gone on to have second children and one friend who had her son last year said immediately that they would start trying for another one soon as it had been such a lovely and positive experience having her first DS. I just felt a bit deflated. I know I should let it wash over me but it makes my heart ache.

I think loosy was pointing out that a lot of this is down to pure luck

Op I was lucky that things seemed straightforward for me, but when I found out a friend with a child the same age was ttc when ours was 1 I remember being jealous of how they were obv coping much better than us!

I never got that cuddly euphoria about my newborns, just dazed and shattered mostly, so you're not alone. Some people laugh off sleep deprivation - I felt actually insane, not exactly the earth mother there myself.

I really hope you can find a way to reframe how you view your mothering in those early days, you've suffered enough and you are punishing yourself needlessly. I think you did bloody well!

You clearly had a really tough time but be proud of how you and your son came through it - you carried the pair of you through, you kept going. You are strong.

If you decide to go for another remember you have the benefit of your considerable experience now, forewarned is forearmed. With a first (difficult) preg, birth or baby - or all three as you had, it's the shock of it all that is part of the problem. Good luck xx

Stealth maybe its just me but it didn't quite come across that way to me, it sounded more like a stealth boast.

I think there is more to motherhood than babies. Personally I'm anticipating being an utterly useless mother of teens. Luck and timing, I think. It's all just snapshots of your life.

To be honest I think that there is a fair amount of bullshitting that goes on amongst mothers.

I know that there are some babies who slept through the night at 6 weeks or so, never cried for very long and fed beautifully but I think that they are in the minority.

If we were all a bit more honest with ourselves then I think it would help others.

Personally I think that you deserve a medal for doing all that expressing. I tried it once with dd and only managed squeezing out 1 oz despite pumping away for ages. I gave up after that. You were much more persistent than me. :)

I think you've had a pretty horrible experience with your HV actually, received advice that was wrong for you in your situation, and have had undiagnosed PND. I usually would never 'diagnose' someone based on a post on the internet, but honestly it's as plain as the nose on my face that's what you had.

and that you didn't get the help and support you needed at that time. But you can get it now. It's not too late to try counselling to try and 'reframe' that early year and see it how it really was - someone who overcame illness, exhaustion and many, many difficulties to diligently care for their newborn. You did and will continue to do a fantastic job.

Oh, and no-one puts the truth on facebook. Because the population would die out if they did...

YANBU at all, I just wanted to say 2 things. Lots of people don't take to it naturally but do a good job looking like they do and 2 I had Pnd with my first baby it took along time for me to stop thinking of it as hard work and start enjoying her but my second baby was so completely different and very healing I've just had my 2nd dd who looks exactly like my first dd when I look at her I feel so sad about dd1 however dd who is nearly 7 loves this baby do much and we are really enjoying her together which is lovely and the way I felt when she was a baby has no impact on her at all. Don't let a bad experience the first time put you off, it could be the best thing you ever did.

You had an extraordinary hard time the first time around chances are that won't happen again.

Ps 3 babies later what I have learned is that the best thing to do is avoid HV's like the plague they are a pointless species

God OP you sound like a supermum.

You had your boy under incredibly difficult circumstances, you were very ill, he was premature, then you spent his first year basically alone with him, he was difficult to care for, and you were definitely depressed, suicidal, all on your own, yet you still cared for him day in and day out and have now bonded with him and adore him????? I would have lost my mind. I probably would have at least attempted suicide. That kind of commitment & fortitude is fucking SUPERHUMAN.

Sure there are people who "take to it" but they're usually (not always but usually) the ones who have it easy compared to you. They're healthy, their babies are full-term and healthy and easy, they have support... of COURSE they take to it.

Honestly OP
you need to start reframing this experience and seeing it for what it really is!!! You did something INCREDIBLE for your child. You struggled through circumstances that would certainly have driven me into the ground (maybe that's just me, take it for what it's worth, but still!!), and you now have a healthy boy who you adore. Good God! Well done you!

Don't pressure yourself to have another baby yet if you need time. Take the time you need. But start relooking the way you view yourself. Really! Talk about a trial by fire... and you prevailed! That's wonderful! Horrible that you had to go through it, but you did, and you made it. Your son is lucky to have you. I might well have left him on the hospital steps if I were in your shoes.

have now read your post about your HV...
seriously
your son is so so lucky to have a mum who could carry on through such hell, and still care for him. You are incredibly strong.

No one should have pressured you into expressing milk every three hours. I had also be determined to breast feed but had only a very small supply so after about two weeks gave up as he was getting maybe 5mls three or four times a day and i was still having him to give him bottles, how much can you remember about being a baby? Nothing, what matters is that he now has a mum that loves and adores him and is going to continue to do so. He cant remember the first part, so there is no need he ever know. What matters is the love he gets while he grows up, the stuff he can remember. And you ARE A NATURAL, it just took you a little longer is all. Dont punish yourself at all. Have to agree HV are to be avoided wherever possible! x

How do you think your friends view you though? It sounds like to the outside world you projected the natural mother thing also. I'm another one who really can't cope with the baby phase. The way I've coped with it is to have 3 babies pretty close together so I get all the baby stuff over with asap. Maybe that looks on the outside like I find it all easy. That isn't the reality at all.

But on the positive side, I've enjoyed my children more and more as they get older. How depressing it would be if the baby bit was the best bit - it's gone. I've got the good stuff to look forward to.

I did the expressing thing too, I know how hard it is. For that you deserve a medal. You have done so well with very little support.

YADNU to feel the way you do, you had a difficult time and were ill while pregnant , your son came early and by emergency section he was tongue tied so therefore didnt BF at all , no wonder you feel like you do that is alot to have happened with in a couple of years , I had similar feelings after dd1 it didnt click in well whats supposed to click in dunno and i did what i had to do with her , I never had a rush of anything , infact i was diagnosed with PND a year in , and now you and your son love each other very much and you can out the bad times ahead of you and move on , not every mother blooms and feels like a natural mother I think alot of women feel like you do and dont say it ,

The term 'natural mother' simply means a woman who gave birth to a child. Some natural mothers do not keep their children for various reasons including giving a child up for adoption to a 'non-natural mother'. If a child reaches an age when he wants to find his natural mother, that's what he's looking for - the woman who gave birth to him. The term 'birth mother' irritates me (probably an American import). 'Natural mother' simply means 'biological mother' whether she bonds with the child or not.

I've had people comment that I'm a "natural mother" and I have found the baby stage very easy. But I had everything going for me - no health problems, relatively easy pregnancy, easy birth at full term, baby who fed easily and put on weight, relaxed baby, supportive husband with a flexible job, the works. I am very apprehensive of having a second baby because if any of those were missing, would I cope? I am in absolute awe of mothers like you who have had every obstacle thrown in their path - illness, difficult birth, prematurity, poorly feeding baby, PND, lack of support, and still kept going through hell and high water. You know you're strong and can make it no matter what, because you've done it. I haven't. I've had a huge amount of luck on my side which I'm grateful for, of course, but which hasn't prepared me for having it really tough like you've had.

You should be so proud of yourself that in spite of everything you didn't walk away or give up. I'm not so sure I could have been that strong.

first of all big ((((hugs))) you have really been through the mill :( but you sound like you are coming out the other end! so you are doing great!

what i will say is i have always had people say to me i am a natural mother, easy pregnancies, easy births, relaxed, just got on with etc BUT it didnt stop me getting pnd and pnp after ds4 and ending up in psych unit and i really cant remember the first year of ds4's life, i feel incredible guilt about that or i did, i saw a cpn for a LONG time and that really helped me work through it.

you sound like you did have pnd and extremely difficult circumstances, you did NOTHING to deserve taht and you did an amazing job of battling on and looking after your son! my ds4 is 3 now and he certainly shows no ill effects from the first year when i was very much a detached mother :( so i am pretty sure your ds is fine!

i have gone on to have another baby, dd who is now 12mths, i was lucky again to have an easy preg and birth and thankfully did not get pnd this time round, so if you ever do have another there is no reason that it has to be as hard as the first time :)

please dont beat yourself up, you have and are doing brilliantly in spite of everyything, you are obviously a VERY strong woman, be proud of yourself for getting throuhg this, others would have crumbled but you didnt.

i would say if you can try and get some counselling, no one will judge you but it could well help you process what has happened and move on emotionally, no one needs to be carrying the amount of guilt that you are xx

My sweetheart

Your post has made me all teary too. Not everyone finds it easy from the start. I was very ill after my DD's birth and I couldn't look after her at all for the first 6 weeks and hardly at all for the first 3 months of her life. When I was finally able to take over, I felt nothing and if I'm honest I didn't love her properly until she was about a year too. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Life throws curved balls at us and we cope as best we can. You survived and you didn't fail your child. Plus, she'll never remember those dark times. Just concentrate on loving her now...

I was a 'natural mum' when my kids were babies. Took to all of it like a duck to water.

Now I'm 'shit mum' because the laissez faire attitude that enabled me to sail through the baby days with calm and enjoyment, has left me high and dry now my children need proper organising and a focused, centred approach.

You will come into your own. Everyone has something special about them that makes them a good mum. Bet your little one things the sun shines out of your fundament.

Errr being a mother is lifelong.It doesn't begin and and at the baby stage ie it's a marathon not a sprint.Sorry I don't buy this oh you struggled with a newborn therefore you're not a natural mother or must be depressed.

The newborn stage is shit,what's not to find hard?Great if you love squealing,agony and nappy changing on a loop 24/7 but many don't.I endured the first 6 months(as did countless friends),I knew it was a means to an end.My first were much longed for IVF twins too.I have to say the day I cracked open the formula I started to enjoy things a whole lot more and from 6 months on actually enjoyed much of it(so much so I conceived dd naturally).

Motherhood goes through many stages.I romped through the terrible twos and watched many a natural mother struggle.I'm suspecting I'll find the teenage years hard but think I'll be ok.We go in peaks and troughs as dp pretty much all my friends.It's normal and as it should be.

You know the most natural mother I know is a friend of mine with 2 adopted children.She wasn't even there in the very early days.She found dc1 such a shock in the early days her dh took up smoking again(outside).They are amazing parents and people I look up to for advice/aspire to countless times and will do in the years ahead.

Personally I'd rather have a mother growing and learning with her children than one who is obsessed with newborns and being a "natural" mother to the detriment of subsequent children(seen that a lot).

Fact-anybody who enjoys or finds every stage of motherhood easy is either lying,has perfect children(they don't exist) or is insane.

Blimey OP, I think if I had a Facebook account when my kids were born I probably would have thrown the computer out the window and screamed obscenities at the 'perfect mum' updates

I'm not sure what a 'Natural Mother' actually is anyway.

It could describe someone who takes childbirth and the early years in their stride...but what if their baby grows into a difficult toddler and they suddenly don't find parenting that 'natural' anymore?

Equally, what if they find they have a petulant, stroppy teenager on their hands who they can't manage to be in the same room with, without an argument?

Kids change far too often and even if a 'natural mother' sailed through parenthood with on child, that's not to say they would with another.

And finally, (before I endeth the sermon) if there are so many 'Natural Mother's' around, why are their so many NCT classes?

Don't sweat the small stuff...and believe me the very early years can turn out to be small stuff when you look back on your kid's lives.

I was called a "natural mother" by most people, they had no idea I was really resenting ds and the change he'd made to my life. I doubted everything I did and would constantly beat myself up about little things. In short I was very unhappy and just going through the motions. I would also update my Facebook with things about how much I love him and how happy I was, it was all lies.

My point is you're not the only one to have felt like this and you are certainly NBU. I'm so glad you've made that bond with your son now but you need to Let go of the past. It sounds as if you had a very hard start with him, no wonder you struggled to cope! Fact is you worked through it and now look how happy you are :)

Well done on sharing your story on here btw, very brave of you

OP, you sound exactly like what I would consider to be a 'natural mother'. One who does everything everything possible to give her DC the absolute best (I'm in awe of how hard you worked to express milk, for example), and one who is honest and open about how hard motherhood can be.

IMO, everyone talks bullshit on FB. I wish that I had mummyfriends as persevering and giving and real as you...