To feel desperately desperately sad and quite jealous when I hear someone described as a "natural mother"...

[fullofregrets]

Because I'm not one?
Apologies as this may be long.

I had my son two and a half years ago and struggled right from the start. My pregnancy was very difficult, it was high risk as I am a type 1 diabetic and it was made worse by terrible morning sickness which required hospitalisation four times. My son was premature and was delivered by emergency c-section as he was breech and in distress.
I found it very very difficult to bond with him. I felt nothing for him in a positive way for at least the first six months. I looked after his physical needs but I would have quite happily given him away to get my old life back. He wasn't an easy baby and had colic, he also found it difficult to self soothe and if over tired he would cry, sometimes for several hours at a time. He had a tongue tie which caused him to take in air when feeding. I tried and tried to breast feed (which was something I had really wanted) but failed at that too. He wouldn't latch and because he was prem was really drowsy and would just fall asleep. On the advice of my midwife and pressure from my HV I ended up expressing for six months, every three hours day and night. He was exclusively breast milk fed for four months but then I could not keep up the demand and he had some formula to supplement.
If I am honest I felt not much for him for a year and actively resented him for at least six months. I was so tired, my husband was away a lot on business so I didn't get a break and I wouldn't take help from anyone else and pretended everything was great. It wasn't. It was the worst time of my life. Periodically I considered taking a load of sleeping tablets and an insulin overdose. Now I can barely remember the first year of my son's life, it just seems a haze of misery and darkness.
Around the time he was one I started to feel something like the love I'd expected to feel when he was born and by 18 months I actively adored him. As his sleeping pattern improved and I wasn't so tired and he developed his own little personality the despair I'd originally felt largely lifted. I now feel terribly terribly guilty that I ever felt I didn't want him and worry sometimes that my emotional detachment in that first year has damaged him in some way.

I now still feel extremely sad when I think back to the time he was born, he was so wanted and we were so excited when I fell pregnant. I see my friends on FB announce natural births and be so proud of their babies and I admit I am jealous. I never felt like that. I was embarrassed of my son (sorry I know it is awful) when he was born and certainly would never have said, like my friend on FB yesterday about her new baby, that he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and I couldn't stop staring at him. I wish I had felt like that, I wanted to, it just didn't happen. And it makes me sad when I see people calling others "natural mothers." I couldn't have been much worse, no natural birth, terrible pregnancy, couldn't breast feed, couldn't bond.

I saw someone on FB last week receive a comment that said "You're such a good mother, we can't believe how naturally you've taken to it!" And it still hits a raw nerve. Not that they don't deserve the praise and shouldn't be proud but because that was how I always thought hoped it would be for me - that I'd take to it naturally - and I couldn't have been more wrong.

My DH now wants a second child, and prior to having my son I would have said I'd have liked two children but I now think having already failed one child it would be wrong to have a second one. No one in RL knows how bad things were, even DH and I have named changed on here in case I am recognised.

AIBU to still feel so sad when I look back on this time? I would die for my son now and couldn't love him any more than I do, but this is turn makes me feel so bad for how I felt at the start of his life.

I'm with holly. For the 4 months expressing alone, you ROCK. You've bad a godawful
time but it was a series of events outside of your control. It's sounds like you dealt with it fabulously x

Strange, I read it that she was pointing out that alot of it is luck, vs anything you do or don't do.

Oh and just to add you are a natural mother because you felt guilty from day one that is what defines us right?

ooh Op you sound almost identical to me in your experience!
Planned and very much wanted baby.
morning sickness,
baby born early, pre eclampsia
undiagnosed breech
distress,
emergency c section with general anasthetic
tongue tie
colic
croup
did not sleep afull night through until he was 5 years old and at school.
I was beyond exhausted, dark dark desperate days.
would not allow anyone to take my son ...had no offers anyway
little memory of the first year.
When he was 3 i went to my Drs as i could not shake the dark clouds.
He prescribed ad's.
Felt like a different person after about a month, felt so much better and more in control, happier, enjoyed my boy!

I felt ready to start ttc again when ds was about 5, i was getting some sleep at last.

I felt like every one around me were great mums, and i was rubbish. It was far harder than i could ever have imagined. That was PND i now know for sure.
The negativity that surrounded me was unjust and warped, completely unfounded and undeserved...i was bloody working hard to keep my head above water and i bloody well did it...as have you.

So, sincere sympathies, empathy and wanted to tell you that i understand where you are coming from.

oh & bf till he was 6 months, torturous, expressing and feeding every 2-3 hours through out that time.

Dear OP reading you post I actually cried, it made me but only for a moment, you had a raw deal and you came through it with a lot of love and affection four your DS.
What you have experienced at very beginning of DS life, periodically can be reality for a lot of new mothers, even for the very natural ones, if I were you I would not beat myself about it, as for the permanent damage to you son's emotional wellbeing, I doubt that seriously, and of course worth remembering there is lot more to motherhood/being a good mother then being calm and collected at the very beginning of child's life, hurdles and trying times with DC's will put to test even the most natural/perfect mothers, just wait till DC's grow.
Pregnancy and birth is only the beginning, end result is what counts, well rounded, healthy young person credit to you, that is the ultimate and a true achievement of a good mother, you sound lovely and brave, chin up.

Lots of people told me i was a "natural mother" when I had DS. I adore my DS but back in the early days i was dying inside. I am now on ADs to cope wl the anxiety that set in after his birth and am beginning to suspect I may have PTSD from the birth itself. I cried every single day (no exaggeration) for the first 12 months of his life. I felt I didn't deserve to be a mother and even thought about ending it all. Poor DH didn't know what the hell to do with me.
My hv gave me a questionnaire to complete to ascertain whether I had pnd with the words "of course, this doesn't apply to you but it is routine". So of course I answered no to all the questions, Smiled, chatted and then went home and sobbed for about three hours.
So believe me these people who like to call some women 'natural mothers' know zilch, zip, nada. I am no better mother than anyone. I'm just a better actress.

OP, you sound really rather fucking awesome to me. All that AND post natal depression which you just battled through by yourself??!! You my dear, are as tough as old boots as my Gran used to say.

What a mother your DS has.

OP I just want to hug you! you sound like a fantastic mum :)

Ach, OP, there's no such thing as a "natural" mother, just an easy baby! How lovely it would be if all our babies were textbook babies who just eat and sleep in the early days and then sit smiling at and watching everybody when they are at the sitting up, exploring stage. I STILL feel jealous of mums who have those type of babies, and there seem to be a lot of them! And my youngest, DS2, is 5 now!

Your comment about your son not being an easy baby struck a cord with me - DS2 was a horror - cried all the time, just miserable all the time till he was about 3 years old. DH who is the most laid back person ever and never gets wound up about anything and is a real hands-on dad actually ended up punching a hole in one of the doors one time he was minding the kids on his own when DS2 was about 18 months old. DH used to confess to me "God, he's hard to love, isnt' he?" And I would agree with him. and

I stopped going out the house after I'd tried a few times a few weeks after he was born as it was just horrendous trying to look after him. He just cried and cried whatever I did, was miserable and so I was too, as a consequence. I felt I was failing as a mum and there I was a second-time round one, who'd successfully managed to raise a lovely happy 2 year old without too much trauma!

DS2 is lovely now aged 5 and as happy as larry, the absolute light of my life, I would be lost without him and love him to bits, but dear god, his early years were a fecking nightmare. I COULD choose to feel guilty at the memories of really resenting having to look after this screaming ball of rage and grumpiness, but what is the point? He was how he was - no, I did not get a textbook baby but that's just the hand I was dealt - and anyway things have changed round completely now and he is my world, he is happy and I survived the crapness!

You need to shake off the feelings of guilt, OP, as you have nothing to feel guilty about. I also felt guilt after failing to even express with DS1 - breastfeeding was a nightmare and lasted 5 days. I still tried to do it with DS2 but that went even worse, but you know what, I had no guilt whatsoever when I chose to switch to formula for my sanity's sake. I think that comes with being a second-time around mum. You just feel a bit less uptight about things and you're a bit less of a perfectionist, you're prepared to be "good enough", so please don't throw away the idea of having more children if you had planned them. You already know that even if the first couple of years prove to be tough with difficult birth, feeding and bonding etc that you CAN come through it!

As for bloody facebook - it's for show offs. I have an account but laugh to myself at the daft things and pictures people post on there, particularly when it comes to their children. I don't read half the baby comments from certain people as they are ridiculous. it's competitive parenting and a load of old twaddle!

I agree with what Rhinestone posted further up - you are awesome. I'm not just saying that - you have had a really difficult few years with your firstborn. REALLY difficult. But it was the tough circumstances all combined that made it difficult - it's not YOU that was lacking anything as a mum, can you see that now?

I really wish you all the best, you have had some brilliant replies on here - these women know their stuff and can make you feel like you're not on your own in the way you feel!

MY Hv told me years ago my child is an adult now anyway she told me it can take a woman 2 years to feel back to some sort of normality after a baby it can be a real shock to the system , hence why i left a big gap between my babies , was exhausted mentally after dd1 ,

Perhaps the recipient of the FB message doesn't feel that way and is doing a really good job of hiding how she really feels. People offer up platitudes like that when they don't know what else to say and despite the hurt it's causing you it means nothing.

I feel like crying (and sometimes still do) when I think of how I felt about DS1 and being his mother until he was about a year old. Like you, I can't think of any really happy moments during that time and it's all just a bit of a dark blur. But to everyone else I was coping, happy and together.

I love him to absolute blind distraction now; it was a long slow journey.

I empathise with you and your post made me cry. Sounds very similar to the way I felt about my dd for the first 6 months and I did not have it as hard as you.

I thought I would have this wonderful water birth with no pain relief etc and ended up with an emcs as she was unexpectedly breech. My DH thought we were both going to die and was quite emotional about the whole thing. She also had reflux and was very difficult with sleep. We both felt a lot of resentment for her and both said that we would have given her away in the first few months without a second of hesitation. I cry about this now so try not to think about it as I don't want to imagine life without her.

The most important thing is that you looked after his needs when he needed you despite the awful hideous tiredness, and that he knows how much you love him now. You sound like a wonderful mum who did the absolute best for your ds under extremely trying circumstances. Please try to remember that in the dark moments. I would also speak to your DH about how you really felt and explain your fears about a possible baby number 2. He will see every day how great you are with ds and may be able to boost your confidence.

Like a previous poster you win mega mega mum points for the three hourly expressing. I'm in hosp with dc4 and have been expressing so much these past days I couldn't carry it on long term.

Sometimes I get called a natural & laid back by others & feel like I don't deserve the comments - I hate the sleep deprivation & feel like leaving even if it's just for a few hours.
So even people who are told they r naturals are still struggling.

Fwiw I assumed I'd breastfeed but it just was awful & I changed to formula after 2 weeks crying on the floor.

Bf with the second also unsuccessful as I had to have placenta removed & missed her first feeds so just didn't establish.

3rd & 4th times mixed feeding with success so it isn't always the same every time.

Good luck

Thank you for all your kind replies.
It is interesting to see how many people have had similar feelings to my own. In RL all my friends seemingly sailed through pregnancies and the first few years, unless of course they were putting on a show. I covered up a lot of how awful it was but I was open about the fact I was finding it difficult. I never really let on how I felt about DS though, so I'd say I was tired or finding it more difficult than I'd expected rather than I thought it was all a huge mistake and most days I did not want to get out of bed. It's hard to reply to someone saying "You must be over the moon!" with "Actually, no, it's awful and I want my old life back."

DH has been less supportive than I would like. He does not understand, or more likely does not want to understand as he is so desperate for a second child, how hard the pregnancy was without even thinking about what happened afterwards. I found managing blood sugars and morning sickness an extremely difficult combination. I do not know how I would do it along side a lively toddler. My dr told me I would more than likely have to have a second c-section as I would be induced at 38 weeks due to being a high-risk pregnancy and they do not like to induce you if you have had previous sections. She said it wasn't impossible to have a natural birth but suggested that I would be better with a planned c-section IF I ever have another baby.

DS is now absolutely delightful. His current favourite saying is "I don't believe my peeping eyes!" which he says to absolutely everything and makes me want to gather him up in a great big hug. I know it has all worked out ok, but somehow I cannot shake this feeling of guilt and also of somehow being cheated out of those precious first few months. The main feeling that stays with me though is one of failure and I may speak to my Dr about it if we do decide to try for a second child.

Thank you again so much for all your messages xx (un-mumsnetty kisses)

Wow. You are an amazing mum. Seriously. No matter how bad you felt you kept going and did the very, very best for your child. That's what being a mother is all about. I am not a 'natural' mother. My DS is 14 months and I love him dearly but the first six months were the worst of my life. He still doesn't sleep through and I'm a wreck but I consider myself lucky and have an extremely happy son. I salute you fullofregrets. If I had had to deal with what you've gone through I think I'd have crumbled and given up. I think your DS is lucky to have you as his mummy. Well done you.

fullofregrets - Please, ditch the guilt - you did extremely well in difficult circumstances. But I can understand the feeling you have about being cheated out of those first few months because that's exactly how I felt with my first born. I still remember, some 30+ years later, being completely overwhelmed after a difficult birth, and not feeling I was bonding with my daughter. I was probably suffering from PND, but that wasn't really recognised back then - only "baby blues" for a couple of days in the first week after birth.

I also remember deciding one day that I had to get to grips with this non-bonding feeling (otherwise I was going to have to relinquish my child to somebody/anybody who was more capable than me of loving her as I thought she should be). I carried her around all that day, constantly saying to her "You're my baby, you're my baby." I still don't know whether that worked as a psychological tactic, or whether it was the beginning of coming out of that awful mental fug.

In my particular case, my situation wasn't helped by my sister's apparently "natural mother" thing. She had her first-born a few weeks before me, and (according to her) the staff on the post-natal ward thought she was a second-time mother because she was so "confident". It took me decades to realise that she was a carbon-copy of our mother, and neither could admit to any admission of weakness or insecurity. That "confidence" was not much more than an act, and pretty dishonest one as well.

I'd suggest talking with your GP about this and see if you can get some counselling - just to talk it out/get it out of your system. I think that would be your priority, and then you can go on to decide whether you want a second child. But I hope you really have taken on board from all the replies here that you're not alone in your past experience, and that you really really dealt with that a lot better than you might think.