‘What is bullying? How to avoid your child being a victim??

[lisad123]

I had a letter home from DD1 school about a workshop they are running, and the title is "?What is bullying? How to avoid your child being a victim"

Im sorry since when is it a childs fault that they are a victim!!

AIBU, to think this is not on and they would be better to educate parents about how to stop their children NOT to be a bully, rather than blaming victims

Tortu

I always tried not to play the victim, never answered back, never fought back, used to walk away
It may well be a misconception.
Curiously, a girl once followed me screaming insults, I ignored her up to a point, when I turned back and answered her, although actually with a nice (ok, ironic) comment. She went towards me and attacked me, and I faced her attack.
It never happened again.

I was the skinniest girl, as well as the one with the best grades, in school and I was also fairly shy. Yet, I was not bullied or felt bullied.

I once stood by a girl who was being bullied, and she was not even a big friend, and we girls often protected a boy who was.

IMO, being passive about it is the worst you can do along with showing that you are affected.

Definitely fight it back (it doesn't have to be by punching, though :)).

But Tortu, surely as a teacher, you're obliged to do something to stop the fish thing?

Are you allowed to let it carry on, when you think it's racist? When you believe the child is being picked on for racist reasons?

When the whole class is behaving in a racist way?

She said she has dealt with it.

What should she do though Tortu?

It's a word. Not a racist word. She only suspects it might be racist.

She can't exclude the children, "they kept whispering fish" isn't wrong.

It's one of the things that makes tackling this low level bullying so difficult unfortunately.

itstimetoburnthisdiscodown I absolutely agree with your post & it makes me sad other people went through what I did growing up. I too feel that people don't like me still and don't really want to be friends with me 20 years on from when the bullying stopped.

She IS dealing with it. Read the post. This is what she is doing:

"For now, I am giving out detentions to anybody who uses the word with the excuse that it annoys me."

Really? Is that considered to be enough?

There are things that teachers can do. However its the school having the time, resources and inclination. Some teachers couldn't give a shit about bullying or they don't see it as part of their job. Its sad as bullying can lead to poor academic performance. If school is serious about teaching and learning then they need to stamp out bullying.

Things that can be done include interventons like circle of friends approach

I imagine that this approach would work well for the poor kid being called "Fish" even if he is not disabled.

Peer mentoring can helping with bullying.

The girl who cries she has no friends prehaps needs help with her social skills. Prehaps another intervention that would help her would be resilence training.
www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu/prpsum.htm

Sometimes children who believe they are being bullied or ostrasized are actually depressed. They have negative thinking styles which makes them intepret simple events as bullying.

Ie. Girl says hello to a classmate in the corridor. Classmate has not heard or seen her because she is thinking about a maths test and the corridor is crowded and noisy. Girl is convinced that her classmate hates her and has no friends.

"What is bullying? How to teach your child not to bully".

Parent "Huh! How dare they? My child would never bully anyone! "

This way is going to get more takers I am guessing.

I think that if bullies pick out children who are different in some way, or vulnerable, then the problem still lies with the bully and not the victim.

The idea that children who are bullied should just "fix" whatever is different or makes them vulnerable is not right. These things are simply out of the control of many people, let alone children, and especially small ones. I just started writing a list of things that children can't change, and then realised. That bullies will always find something to pick on, they will always find the buttons to press. I see a lot of victim blaming on this thread and it is not nice. Of course everyone should remember that there are likely to be people on the thread who were bullied, and also those who were bullied. So there will be different POV.

Those who were bullies that should read.

The school I used to work at got this person in to deal with bullies.

www.thescaryguy.com/

reallytired - brilliant stuff!

I don't think anyone is blaming the bullied.

However, there is only a limit on what can be done to bullies, and when we get to that it is often already too late.
If we can also work on prevention from the side of the victim, all the better.

Obviously, if I get mugged, it's the mugger's fault, but if I can help prevent it by not walking alone in a mugging hotspot, or by being aware of my surroundings and taking preventative evasive action, for example, all the better for me.

oh knickers lueji

I do think some of these comments are blaming victims on this tread.
As already said I was bullied for a longtime and it was terrible. As an adult I'm fairly well adjusted and confident. Dh was bullied at school too, it still affects him as an adult. Neither of us were the smelly kids, the ugly ones or even the clever kids. Both times it was started by someone making up a silly story which got out of hand.
I met one of the main bullies from my past when she came to my work to ask for help and support!
It was hard but I was polite and friendly and proffessional. She did not mention it.

Kids are cruel little creatures but I would like to think I have taught my girls about accepting difference. I am trained in protective behaviours and use it at home. Both my girls have SN and I'm hoping it doesn't make them a target.

I'm torn here.

I firmly believe that it is possible to make yourself a victim by the way you react to things. I'm thinking of the girl whose parents move her school several times because everywhere she goes, she is bullied. Different children, different schools, same factor is her. Also I'm thinking of watching some of my friends daughters go through things. To a certain extent, we need to learn that not everyone will like us, teenage girls are particularly horrible, and that we have the resilience inside ourselves to deal with that.

But no one should be subjected to abuse in any way. Im not sure where I would draw the line but there are degrees of bullying and there are ways to deal with it that are less damaging to you as a Person. And I'm speaking as someone who was bullied, but who did find a way to deal with it.

Some of it must be to do with personality as well, but you can teach resilience and positive behaviours, as others have pointed out.

I'm not blaming bullied children.

I'm stating that there is a dynamic to bullying. Breaking that dynamic is key to stopping it. A bullied child is part of the dynamic. That's not blame. It's a fact. Bullying changes them, changes thier feelings and that change needs addressing because it's often a change that makes them more vulnerable.

To assume that all bullying must be dealt with tackling the bully will not stop the problem.

Mamamoose - you assume that Tortu is ingoring the problem (fish issue) when in actual fact she has applied experience, sensitivity and knowledge to a situation, to try to resolve it. It may not resolve it immediately but striding in with size 10's and punishing every child in that child's class is not going to make things better. He won't be glad of that reaction! He's more likely to suffer in silence rather than risk the same response next time

I don't think it should be up to an individual teacher to decide whether they've got the inclination to oppose racism in the classroom.

I missed the bit where someone said it should me Mamamamoose? Can you give me a link or time

..should be.. up to an individual teacher to decide whether they've got the inclination to oppose racism in the classroom

BalloonSlayerFri 06-Jan-12 16:22:40

She IS dealing with it. Read the post. This is what she is doing:

"For now, I am giving out detentions to anybody who uses the word with the excuse that it annoys me."

MamamamooseFri 06-Jan-12 16:24:40

Really? Is that considered to be enough?

reallytiredFri 06-Jan-12 16:27:52

There are things that teachers can do. However its the school having the time, resources and inclination. Some teachers couldn't give a shit about bullying or they don't see it as part of their job. Its sad as bullying can lead to poor academic performance. If school is serious about teaching and learning then they need to stamp out bullying.

Maybe reallytired was referring back to when the discussion was only about bullying, not bullying on grounds of race.