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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit miffed at my CM springing the fact that she has just got a dog

68 replies

Loueytb3 · 05/01/2012 09:48

Before I start, I love my CM. She is wonderful and if she doesn't get outstanding in her next OFSTED inspection, I'll eat my hat.

However, yesterday evening, I go to pick up DTs and she says "oh you've probably heard my news" cue blank look from me "we've got a new addition to the family" no still no clue "we've got a puppy" Shock Hands me an updated pet policy (they've already got a couple of cats). This was all in the midst of trying to stop DS1 from trying to escape into the road. Needless to say I was a bit taken aback. She had told DH that morning when he droppped the boys off and he was also quite put out.

My DTs have been going there for 18 months before/after school and in school holidays. DTS1 has ASD and little sense of danger. DS3 will be going there all day 3-4 days a week from July when he will be 1.

AIBU to think that she should have at least forewarned us about this and asked whether we would mind. We had previously discounted other CMs because they had (admittedly large) dogs. Her policy states that at no point will the dog be left alone with any children and I'm sure she wouldn't do anything to put them at risk, but its the principle I'm a bit Angry about.

Its a british bulldog btw - have no idea what they are like.

OP posts:
laptopdancer · 05/01/2012 09:49

No, I agree.

We chose our cm due to her ot having a dog.
She got one. It had a go at ds. he is now terrifed of dogs and we dont use cm anymore.

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2012 09:50

If the dog won't be left alone with the children, I don't see the problem really?

littlepie · 05/01/2012 09:52

I think she should have told you in the morning, but now you know you can make a choice whether to continue sending your DC to her.

I don't think she should have asked you if "you minded", it's her choice, just as it's yours whether or not to continue to use her.

AngryMotherF · 05/01/2012 09:55

If her policy is good and she adheres to it, I don't see the problem. It could actually be good for the children, they can learn from looking after a puppy. One of the benefits of getting a puppy when we did was that I thought it would help Ds who also has ASD, and it has helped him to think about how the puppy might be feeling, clear rules on keeping himself and the dog safe etc.

I think it's understandable that you would have appreciated some warning, because then you could have talked to your children about it to help prepare them, but if she is as good CM, I wouldn't worry too much.

ElizabethDarcy · 05/01/2012 09:55

Plenty of CMs have dogs... as long as the kids are kept safe, then all should be fine. Having a dog is normal and a great learning tool for kids.

I am a CM and wouldn't get a dog myself as I have all under 3s, and we are moving abroad in a couple of years and don't want to put the dog in quarantine... but (to be fair to you) if I did think of getting one, I would let my parents know before the fact, not tell you afterwards. It is her home though and her kids (and their need for a pet dog) would understandably be put ahead of her mindees... she must know she stands the risk of losing mindees.

YankNCock · 05/01/2012 09:57

I'm quite surprised at that. I am in the process of registering to be a childminder and I already have a dog. When I advertise, I intend to make this quite clear so that anyone who doesn't want their children around dogs won't get a surprise when coming to visit.

I think you should have been warned in advance that she was getting a dog, though I don't think she needs your 'permission' as such. It's her house and up to her if she wants a pet. It's just a courtesy, so that if you don't want your DC in an environment where there are dogs, you have time to make other arrangements.

As a dog lover, I am surprised sometimes by how scared some parents and children are of dogs, and think exposure to a well-trained dog would probably help, but it's up to the parents, and the CM should have known this.

FWIW, my brother has a British bulldog and it is fabulous with kids.

laptopdancer · 05/01/2012 09:57

CM must know that some parents do choose on non dog households.

Original poster
Loueytb3 · 05/01/2012 10:00

Littlepie - maybe "minded" is not the right word, as you are right, its not up to us whether they get a dog. Its more that we would have appreciated a heads up that they were even thinking about it, and how they were going to keep the children safe etc. Rather than just being given a piece of paper after the fact. It wasn't the first day back after the school holiday btw - they had already been the previous day, the dog was picked up that evening, so she obviously knew it was coming.

With 3 kids, one with ASD - its very difficult to find a CM with enough space, let alone one who will take them all. I have no intention of getting a different CM, we don't have much of a choice.

OP posts:
fallenpetal · 05/01/2012 10:01

Not sure you have the right to dictate what pets your CM has tbh? I dont think they should have asked your permission either. I do think they should have given you some warning prior to collecting the dog so you were not put out though.
If she is as good as you think she is she will endeavor to keep the dog well trained and away from the children, its a good opportunity for your DC to become accustomed to dogs. My sister hates dogs which has transfered to her kids which she totally enables to the point she wont visit myself or our brother who has would you believe a tiny weeny sausage dog. Her children are awful to take to any park and scream the place down (they are 8 and 5) like they are being murdered if they even spot a dog. I know thats an extreme example but ... if they had seen from a young age a pup and grown up with it there wouldnt be this issue.

Bulldogs are great with kids and very gentle apparently, Ive only ever had the one dog I have now so have no experience of them directly but DD bestie has one and she is adorable and shuffles around rather than bounds all over licking the kids etc.

Original poster
Loueytb3 · 05/01/2012 10:02

YankNCock - DH had a dog as a child, so is completely aware of dogs. I have had v little exposure to dogs, but am quite careful of trying to teach DCs how to approach them when we are about.

OP posts:
kitsmummyskissingsantaclaus · 05/01/2012 10:04

I love dogs and would happily send my DD to a CM with a dog (in fact her previous CM had a lovely dog) but I do agree that she should have warned you in advance (at least a month's notice) to give you time to find another CM if you really didn't want your DD to stay there.

Also, puppies are very very hard work so I would question the ability to settle in a puppy, house train it, socialise it etc etc etc whilst watching over little children. Also, will the outside activities, day trips out etc now be curtailed as you can't leave a puppy on its own for very long?

I wonder if the puppy will get the care that it deserves whilst it's settling in.

thisisyesterday · 05/01/2012 10:06

I agree that they should have given you plenty of warning not just sprung it on you after the event

i would also think you should be able to get out of your contract with no comeback, esp if you had specifically chosen a CM without a dog.

On a practical level puppies need a LOT of attention. I know that most rescues won't home puppies with people who have young children because of the time and energy a pup takes up..
potentially the time she is taking with the puppy is time your children should be having with her.

it's easy to say "oh the dog won't be near the children"- how will she walk it? what if she has to keep going off to clear up wee/poo? how about when it is shitting in the garden your kids presumably play in?

I'd be angry, and I like dogs

4madboys · 05/01/2012 10:06

i dont think you are unreasonable for wanting a bit of advance notice, purely so you could explain to your children that there would be a dog and tell them to be kind and gentle etc, just so they knew in advance?

i have allergies and tho i have no need for childcare, if i did i wouldnt use a mider with a pet dog or cat, as the hair, dander etc getting on my childrens clothes would be enough to trigger my allergy and so i would have expected advance warning so i could decide if i wanted my children to stay iyswim?

hopefully it will turn out to be a positive experience, esp given that you are otherwise more than happy with you childminder :)

kitsmummyskissingsantaclaus · 05/01/2012 10:06

Sorry, not your DD, your DTs and DS.

thisisyesterday · 05/01/2012 10:07

and yes, agree that she can't leave the puppy for hours while taking the children out to activities

she sounds very naive (being generous here)

Gribble · 05/01/2012 10:07

YABU, even if she had given you a heads up what difference would that make? She has still got the dog.

Agree that its a great chance for your kids to get to be around dogs and learn how to interact with them safely.

The breed doesnt matter btw, its how the owners 'bring' the dog up that defines how they will be.

littlepie · 05/01/2012 10:07

OP I think if she's really good and your DC are settled it shouldn't be a problem. I understand it would have been a bit of a shock that she hadn't told you before it arrived, maybe she's tried to downplay it and show she's thought it all through with the policy etc. You sound as though you're?DC are happy with her just a bit miffed at how it's been handled which is understandable.

FWIW we have a dog at home but I wouldn't want my DC going to a new CM with dogs-you can't ensure their reaction all the time. But then I can be a bit precious and over protective :)

YankNCock · 05/01/2012 10:08

I really hope it works out for you and the DC, Louey. It's a shame the CM didn't give you advance notice (I do think YANBU to have expected that), but you may have to look past that and try to see it as an opportunity for the kids now. They could do worse than having an introduction to dogs with a good and trusted childminder.

I have a bit of the opposite problem with DS (2.4). He loves dogs so much that he is always trying to approach dogs we don't know, with me trying to hold him back and saying 'you must ask first!!!'

Gribble · 05/01/2012 10:10

Thisisyesterday - me and DP got our dog when she was a pup and we both worked FT. We arranged for family /friends to pop in and spend time with her while we were out. Maybe the CM has similar?

Original poster
Loueytb3 · 05/01/2012 10:10

I did wonder about the training too - my parents got puppies a few years ago and it was really hard work training them, they likened it to having babies.

She currently has 2 children there during the daytime, aged approx 2 and 2.5 - so they are not going to be easy.

She has in the policy that the grass will be checked before any children are allowed out to play in the garden and that the dog will be on a lead in the garden if children are out there.

Her DH is a policeman and works shifts and is often around a lot so I think he would probably be able to do a lot of the walking etc.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 05/01/2012 10:11

gribble, advance warning woulkd have given the OP a chance to look for alternative childcare if she wanted it

Quenelle · 05/01/2012 10:12

I suppose some advance notice would have been nice but, as you say, you couldn't ask her to not get the puppy so what difference would it have made?

FWIW I think it's a good thing. Your DC and the puppy will grow up together and each will learn how to behave around the other.

Our CM has a dog and cats, we don't have any pets at the moment so are glad DS gets the opportunity to be around them. I was not pleased, however, when the dog chewed DS's brand new hat last week Angry

4madboys · 05/01/2012 10:13

what thisisyesterday said, the op would be within her rights to change childminder due to change in contract and conditions. it sounds like the op is fine with it and theupdates make it sound like the childminder has the support from her dh so it should be fine, but i would still have wanted advance notice and that isnt unreasonable.

laptopdancer · 05/01/2012 10:13

I think its all well and good to say its a good opportunity for children to get to know dogs, and Im sure it is, BUT its the parent's choice whether or not they want their child to be in a house with dogs. Whethetr or not you agree with their view is irrelevant. Its a business arrangement and the parent should be given adequate notice in order to make the choice to give notice or not.

YankNCock · 05/01/2012 10:14

Though having read she got a puppy, that IS a bit concerning. I got a puppy when DS was 15 months, and in hindsight it was quite difficult (fab now, but definitely a lot of work). I can't imagine looking after more than one child and a puppy. Does her partner work from home or come home during the day?

I've got gates to separate kid from dog, and a crate for the dog to retreat when needed. The dog won't necessarily be allowed to poo in the garden. We're having our garden re-done and have re-trained the dog to only go when we take him on walks.

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