Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for your quick opinions on a bereavement gift?

51 replies

WhataTreat · 04/01/2012 20:31

Hello all!

My friend's younger brother sadly passed away on New Year's day.

Her close friends (including me) thought it would be nice to get her something together, as well as make a donation to the family's chosen charity.

Is a (quite expensive) necklace with her brother's initial on appropriate? The initial is a bit swirly so it's not obvious, meaning she won't get people asking why she's wearing it and have to go through the explanation.

Taste-wise, I know she'll like it, but after canvassing some opinions some people say they think it's a bit inappropriate.

What do you think? I was having some doubts and now can't decide if it's a good idea.

Thanks in advance. . . we want to do something nice for her but obviously don't wish to offend anyone in doing so.

OP posts:
BillyBollyBandy · 04/01/2012 20:34

Maybe a bracelet instead with a pendant/charm, so a little more private for her when she is wearing it?

BillyBollyBandy · 04/01/2012 20:35

So I mean a pendant/charm with her brother's initial

BillyBollyBandy · 04/01/2012 20:35

*sorry not so

argh

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2012 20:35

Oh, I don't know

I have never heard of anyone buying a "bereavement gift" before

I associate gifts with celebrations

I might also think a gift as some sort of consolation prize Sad

I think a donation to charity (if it has some strong connection with the person who died) is a good idea though

OhTheConfusion · 04/01/2012 20:35

What about a nice picture frame? Or a vouvher for a photo book? I would not like the necklace, but that's just me.

OhTheConfusion · 04/01/2012 20:36

Voucher* even

McHappyPants2012 · 04/01/2012 20:37

seems weird to buy a bereavement gift

Smallbrownbird · 04/01/2012 20:39

Do you and your friends have any photos of him? It might be nice to give her a bundle of photos that perhaps she hasn't seen before, something informal. Whatever you do, I think she'll be really touched that you care about her so much.

ljgibbs · 04/01/2012 20:40

Never heard of a "bereavement gift" before. Why not send her flowers?

Strawberrytallcake · 04/01/2012 20:40

I think its a bit too soon. Flowers for now and the necklace in 6 months/a year. A really sweet thought but might materialise his death (if that makes sense).

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2012 20:41

Not everyone appreciates flowers, either

I don't

But I wouldn't really "get" someone buying me a piece of jewelry if a beloved family died, either

I think the best gift you can give if your company and time...a cliche, i know, but so true

Strawberrytallcake · 04/01/2012 20:42

Make her think a necklace is an acceptable equivalent to what she has lost...is what I think I meant, only you know your friend best though.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2012 20:42

family member

yellowraincoat · 04/01/2012 20:42

I would HATE to get a necklace when someone close to me died. I'd be massively confused and probably offended.

A picture would be much nicer, or even just the donation. Or she'd probably just prefer your on-going support.

EllenandBump · 04/01/2012 20:42

I think its a lovely idea and something she can wear to remember him by. She has the choice to wear it or not wear it. If the initial isnt obvious then there shouild be no awkward questions and may be the pick up she needs right now. x

KittyFane · 04/01/2012 20:42

Card, flowers only I'd say. Necklace at a later date.

Original poster
WhataTreat · 04/01/2012 20:43

AnyF I thought the same thing, nice jewellery for nice occasions. . .

I did think of photos but she is an absolute photo-holic, house is full of pics already and we don't have any different to the ones they already have. Although did think of getting a card made of her favourite photo for us all to sign instead.

I didn't send flowers originally as I thought the house would be overrun with them, but apparently everyone else thought the same thing!

Thank you all for answering so swiftly, definitely need a rethink.

OP posts:
floweryblue · 04/01/2012 20:44

My first thought is that it's not the best idea to give her something personal with specific links to her brother which she will have to accept and might find painful and intrusive.

Maybe in a couple of years, but not right now.

tinypumpkin · 04/01/2012 20:44

I personally think the necklace is a lovely idea but it is a personal thing. I still hate flowers two years after losing DD1. Our house was full of flowers. They die, it felt like a cruel reminder even though they were so well intentioned.

A photo album and/or frame sounds lovely too.

chipmonkey · 04/01/2012 20:47

I lost my dd in October and I think it's a lovely idea. I think the OP is thinking of a "memorial" gift rather than a "bereavement" gift IYKWIM. My work colleagues clubbed together and bought me a locket with a Rose engraved on it (dd's name was Sylvie-Rose) and I love it. I don't think it's in any way a consolation prize and I know my colleagues arent' that daft either! It's just a lovely thing to remember her by.
Some lovely ladies on MN also got me a personalised memory box and album amongst other lovely things. They also contributed to a rose to be planted in her memory.

OP, if you know your friend very well and are sure that her taste is similar to yours, then go for the necklace. If you are unsure, maybe check with her first before buying anything.

Flubba · 04/01/2012 20:47

I wouldn't. I think a letter or card is appropriate. And time for her. And allowing her to talk about him still in a few months' and years' time, when everyone thinks she should be okay.

yellowraincoat · 04/01/2012 20:47

Can you cook? She's probably feeling shite and knocked for six right now? It might be nice to bring round some food she can freeze and heat up.

oreocrumbs · 04/01/2012 20:50

When my dad died, the one thing I remember most was a nice letter in one of the sympathy cards, not just the sorry for your loss type thing, it was from one of my friends, sharing memories about my dad and such. I can remember it clearly now, and that was really special.

I don't think you need to send a gift, just be there, say kind words, and if you knew her DB talk about him, share stories - I found out all sorts of things when my dad died.

A donation to a charity would be a nice thing in place of flowers for the funeral.

DialMforMummy · 04/01/2012 20:52

I love jewellery but I would not like it. A donation to a charity is much better IMO.

KurriKurri · 04/01/2012 20:53

Gosh its a hard one, and lovely of you all to want to do something for her.
I can only speak from personal experience (I lost my own brother years ago when I was 25, and I lost my dear dad a month ago), I would not have wanted a bracelet or necklace I really wouldn't have known when to wear it, and I have jewellery given to me by my Dad that I remember him by, because he chose it for me.

Actually I found cards and letters the most comforting thing, - I can read them over and know how much others loved my family members too. I have done photo albums of my Dad for my mother and my sister collecting all the photos we all have together, they were both pleased to get them. I can't handle looking at photos yet, but an album is nice because you don't have to have it out all the time.