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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for your quick opinions on a bereavement gift?

51 replies

WhataTreat · 04/01/2012 20:31

Hello all!

My friend's younger brother sadly passed away on New Year's day.

Her close friends (including me) thought it would be nice to get her something together, as well as make a donation to the family's chosen charity.

Is a (quite expensive) necklace with her brother's initial on appropriate? The initial is a bit swirly so it's not obvious, meaning she won't get people asking why she's wearing it and have to go through the explanation.

Taste-wise, I know she'll like it, but after canvassing some opinions some people say they think it's a bit inappropriate.

What do you think? I was having some doubts and now can't decide if it's a good idea.

Thanks in advance. . . we want to do something nice for her but obviously don't wish to offend anyone in doing so.

OP posts:

Greatdomestic · 04/01/2012 20:54

I've never heard of this before. A gift for the bereaved when someone close dies? It didn't belong to the person who died, so I'm not clear as to how this could possibly offer any comfort - at all. What they need is love, support, time and someone to be there for them.

Listen to your friends who've said that they think it's inappropriate. I think making a donation to the charity of the family's choice is the most appropriate thing to do.

chipmonkey · 04/01/2012 21:02

hmm, I notice tinypumpkin and I seem to be alone in thinking it's a good idea and we have both lost daughters rather than brothers so perhaps it's not the same sort of thing?

JestersHat · 04/01/2012 21:02

Sorry but I don't like the idea of a "bereavement gift", and I agree it doesn't seem appropriate. Gifts are usually for events such as birthdays, Christmas etc. and remind the recipient of happy times. Will someone really want to wear a piece of jewellery to commemorate a loss? Will they really want to feel obliged to sit down and write thank you letters at such a sad time?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2012 21:02

I think maybe a better idea re. the necklace would be if you gave it on the 1st anniversary of his death

So many mourners fade away after the initial "flurry" and I think something to commemorate him at a later date, to show how he and she are still in your thoughts ?

tbh, I would be more inclined to take more note of the bereaved mums on this thread though

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2012 21:04

x posted chip

these dilemmas are so individual, aren't they ?

we can only give an answer from our own viewpoint

I haven't lost a living child, nor a sibling but have lost a very close friend

a gift of jewelry wouldn't have been right, for me

LurcioLovesFrankie · 04/01/2012 21:05

It's really lovely that you're all thinking about your friend and trying to come up with ways to help her. But, having lost my sister a few years ago, I have to say if someone had done this for me I'd have found it weird and upsetting. On the other hand, a donation to a charity (diabetes in the case of my sister) would have been appreciated - and I was very touched by the cards I received and would have had no problem with flowers either. I'd suggest you go cautiously on this one - maybe in a year's time (in Ireland, apparently, they have a tradition called "year's mind" or something like that, which I think is nice because you're still feeling low, but a lot of the support has evaporated by then), say that you'd thought of buying her a necklace as a way of commemorating her brother and ask her if she would like it, or whether there's some other sort of gesture you could make instead.

In the short term, your company is probably more valuable than anything. And go with what she wants - maybe it's trips to the pictures to take her mind of things, maybe it's just someone to sit quietly with her while she cries then provide a cup of tea to help her calm down. But don't hide, and let her dictate the pace at which she's able to grieve and start the process of moving on to accepting her loss (and don't say things like "time heals" because it doesn't - you get better able to cope, you start enjoying the rest of life again, but you never stop missing the person you've lost).

TroublesomeEx · 04/01/2012 21:07

I wouldn't like a gift. It would look like you all thought an expensive necklace would make it all ok.

Really, I wouldn't like it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2012 21:07

and now my eyes are leaking

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/01/2012 21:08

I've not heard of 'bereavement gifts' before, OP. It's a nice thought but I think that I would want to give something 'consumable'. Cooking food is a nice thought as mentioned previously - or maybe a candle and a photo frame that she can put a picture of her brother in. The candle won't be 'lasting' so bringing back memories of this time.

Consumable and fleeting - definitely - if you want to give a gift. Definitely not jewellery of any kind.

yellowraincoat · 04/01/2012 21:09

LurcioLovesFrankie has some good ideas. Give her a shoulder to cry on - and not just for the next couple of weeks.

Also, a lovely letter with nice memories and comforting words goes a long way. A relative of mine sent a lovely letter when my gran died - I read it over and over, it helped me so much.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/01/2012 21:10

Also agrees that LurcioLovesFrankie's post is fab and it has lots of meaning. That's the advice I would be following, I think.

crazygal · 04/01/2012 21:11

recently my friends dh died,they are quite religious,i bought her a little angel,its small and pretty,and her head is down,i thought it was approperate
she is called angel of prayer,x

Heleninahandcart · 04/01/2012 21:12

I'm not sure about a gift so soon and would favour the idea of giving at the anniversary more. Recently a dear friend's son died and his DS's friends put a photo album together of his life as they saw him. They put the whole thing on a DVD and included some of his favourite music. I know this was a great comfort to my friend, and he has played that DVD over and over. It was also there for people to view and write their memories in a book after the funeral.

As she has lots of photographs, would it be possible to put something together for her?

crazygal · 04/01/2012 21:13

yes lurcioloves in ireland they do a months mind and a years mind in memory,x

kodachrome · 04/01/2012 21:16

It sounds weird and upsetting to me too, sorry.

You could name a star for him or put a park-bench somewhere he loved perhaps, or make a donation to charity, but jewellery to his sister seems odd.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 04/01/2012 21:20

I would not go for a gift.

I would cook some lovely comforting meals and deliver them to her with some ready prepared fresh veg.

This was all I wanted when my best friend died suddenly 5 years ago on 6th December; company that fitted around me, some one to hold my 3 month old DS while I cried and an easy, tasty wholesome meal for the body and soul afterwards. My friend's mum died just before Christmas this year and we did the same for her. She said it was the most welcome thing any of us had done.

Your friend is lucky to have such caring friends.

WilsonFrickett · 04/01/2012 21:20

I'm not keen on this. I think a proper letter would be the best thing you could do, and a donation to charity if there's a clear link. Perhaps when time has moved on there might be something of the DB that you could have sized or adapted for her, for example maybe a watch or ring that he wore? But I don't think I'd appreciate jewellery in this situation.

I know you want to 'do something' for her, but really the best gift you can give is your time x

saladsandwich · 04/01/2012 21:25

my mum died a few years back, i wouldn't like it... personally i would look at it even years later and it would be a reminder of the time my mum died.

hazchem · 04/01/2012 21:30

when my grandma died a friend of the family gave my mum and I a wooden mushroom (hand turned) She gave it too us on the day of the funeral. It is was very tactile so i could sort stroke and rub it. It is still a treasured object for me and i know my mum had kept hers. My grandma died 26 year ago.

perfectstorm · 04/01/2012 21:35

I don't think there's any right answer - it's too individual.

A friend lost her husband really tragically, and I bought a bottle of seriously good champagne and a card showing the city they'd met in, and wrote that I wanted her to drink it at a time when she felt ready to celebrate his life, and their marriage. She was really moved and said it was a comfort - but when I left it at her office, the evil look the receptionist gave me had to be seen to be believed. I can see why; champagne for a woman whose husband just died looks tactless in the extreme. But I knew her, and knew she would want to celebrate a good life and a very happy marriage. And the gift marked that.

It just depends so much on the person, and your relationship with and to them.

Rindercella · 04/01/2012 21:35

You sound lovely OP and I am guessing you feel pretty helpless in the face of your friend's grief at the moment - that whatever you do just doesn't seem like enough so you want to do something more.

I agree with the majority here and think perhaps a necklace isn't the most appropriate gift at the moment. I am pretty sure that your friend will be on autopilot atm and going through all the crap which comes with death.

I read and re-read every single card and letter I received after DH died. I appreciated every single phone call from a friend or family member, every offer of help with the 'normal' stuff that I couldn't focus on because of the other stuff I had to deal with. I consumed with relish every meal cooked for me that I hadn't made myself. I can never thank enough the friends and relatives who took my DDs out for a couple of hours; the people who donated money in DH's name for the hospice he was in. A couple of months after his deah, my closest and oldest friends sent me a rose bush to plant in DH's memory, which I love. Oh God, and the MN blanket!

DH died in April. For Christmas I got each of his closest members of family a framed photo of a special, individual moment they had shared with him.

I realise this is all about me, but grief is such a personal thing and it is all so very recent for your friend. Be there for her, write her a letter about any nice memories you have of her brother. I like the idea of waiting for a while and asking your friend whether she feels it would be a nice thing for her to have....definitely be dictated by her and not try to assume anything.

Original poster

WhataTreat · 04/01/2012 21:43

Thanks everyone, this really has been helpful and I'm so sorry to those of you who have lost loved ones.

After talking we've all agreed that we had doubts about the necklace, (our friend is quite opinionated so it really could go one way or the other) so instead are making her a photo card with messages from us all and letting her know we're all there whenever she needs. We'll also make a donation to the charity as they provided a lot of care for him.

That Irish tradition sounds lovely, Lurcio. Perhaps we'll come back to the necklace in a year's time.

Genuinely thank you all, you've been wonderfully helpful.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2012 21:56

All the best x

TroublesomeEx · 05/01/2012 09:23

That sounds like a lovely idea.

Shutupanddrive · 05/01/2012 09:31

I don't think a bereavement gift is appropriate actually. As other have said a nice card/letter to let her know you are thinking about her would be better

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