Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I think I probably ABU, but it's a wedding one, so pile in...

66 replies

ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 06:57

I suspect I this is childish, but it is driving me batshit.

I have two friends who I went to university with, Friend A and Friend B. We the moved to the same city at the same time and they are among 3 women who I consider my best friends. I've always thought we're equally close.

In the spirit of not drip-feeding, I will say that neither woman was bridesmaid when I married. We had a really small wedding, I couldn't choose between them and I thought it would be ridiculous to have a significant number of the congregation as bridesmaids, so I asked a friend from school. I did however, try to get them involved and presented them with gifts at the dinner and generally tried to show that they were very important to me on the day.

Friend A is now getting married and has asked her own school friend to be bridesmaid. I've just found out that she has also asked Friend B. I do know that my responsibility is to suck it up and make sure she has a nice day, but AIBU to feel a teensy bit miffed? She met her DP at our wedding, he was best man to my DH (he hasn't asked DH to be his best man, either).

Friend A is vair vair sensitive and I'm pretty sure she would have stabbed me if I had publicly chosen between her and Friend B at my wedding. She says she has chosen Friend B because she has had a bad year (so have I, godammit!!) and it doesn't mean she prefers her to me. All I've said is of course I understand and no hard feelings, but actually, it's really playing on my mind. I worry that she has been secretly fermenting resentment all these years. Or that she and her fiance don't really like us and I just hadn't realised.

AIBU to be a little bit hurt?

OP posts:

neshnosher · 04/01/2012 07:01

I really don't like the sound of your friends.
In general with attitudes like that who needs enemies?

RudolphTheYellowNosedDinosaur · 04/01/2012 07:05

YANBU to be hurt. I probably wouldbe too in the same situation.

But you would be silly to read too much into it and unreasonable to let friend A know how hurt you feel imho. Some people are just less aware of the effect of things like this than others in my experience.

I was one of a group of 4 women who were very close. One of them asked the 2 others to be godparents for their ds2 yet I wasn't invited to the christening at all! I don't believe in God so was not surprised to not be a godparent (although the other 2 are hardly practicing christians either) but ws hurt to not be invited to the christening at all. I did talk to my firend and found out that it was family and godparents only so that mollified me a bit but it still hurt. We are still friends although not as close (but this wasn't the only or even the main factor in the end).

You have asked your friend why she has done this, she has told you, and now if you want to maintain a friendship you need to let it lie, even if that is difficult.

Slightlytinsellyexpat · 04/01/2012 07:07

Reckon you're better off being an onlooker rather than a bridesmaid if Friend A is vair vair sensitive as you say. Could get stressy.

RudolphTheYellowNosedDinosaur · 04/01/2012 07:07

Also - is friend B married? She might be one of these people who subscribes to the 'you can't be a bridesmaid if married' thing (although this would have been an easy way to explain her reasoning)

sausagesandmarmelade · 04/01/2012 07:14

No YANBU.....I can see why you would be hurt.

I think I'd be inclined to take a step right back now....but enjoy going to the wedding as a guest! There are distinct advantages!

EmmaBemma · 04/01/2012 07:15

I can understand how you're feeling- the other friend has been asked to be a bridesmaid and you haven't. You don't sound like the sort of person to make a big issue of it with your friend; you're just privately feeling a bit hurt and bemused - nothing wrong/unreasonable about that at all.

Thinking back to my own wedding and round of friends' weddings - I had three bridesmaids, two of them asked me to be bridesmaid too. In one case I think it was a kind of dutiful reciprocal thing; which felt a bit weird, she had to have 6 bridesmaids in the end to include everyone she felt a responsibility to - but she absolutely would not hear of chopping the number down at all. The third bridesmaid didn't ask me, but I didn't feel left out and I'm not sure why - I think maybe because we weren't all in a 'unit' of good friends (she didn't know my other two bridesmaids very well) - so i didn't feel like the only excluded one.

I dunno, it's hard to know what to suggest though - do you feel able to bring it up with your friend, or do you think that would be a Bad Idea?

Original poster

ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 07:27

I think I need to take my husband's attitude, which was to express mild surprise at not being best man and then really, profoundly not give a shit about it.

I'm much more the type to go away and agonise for several years.

That's the bit that worries me - that she might have seen me getting her involved in our wedding plans without actually being a bridesmaid as a bit of a cheek. Although it really wasn't meant that way - quite the opposite.

But no, I can't really see a way of bringing it up without it sounding like sour grapes...

OP posts:

Original poster

ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 07:31

Oh and Friend B is unmarried Rudolph but the schoolfriend (other bridesmaid) is. So not a straw I can cling to, unfortunately.

OP posts:

ScroobiousPip · 04/01/2012 07:35

i wouldn't read too much into it. perhaps she can't afford loads of bridesmaids and figured that as A is sensitive and you didn't ask her to be your bridesmaid anyway, you wouldn't mind not being asked. sounds like she has tried to explain it to you. i think you'll save yourself a lot of heartache if you take her explanation at face value.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 04/01/2012 07:44

YANBU to be a bit upset. if she had just stuck to the schoolfriend, you wouldn't have cared in the slightest - but she chose Friend B as well, and NOT you. However -it probably is because you didn't have either of them as your bridesmaids too - so in reality, you do just need to suck it up.

I was pretty hurt not to be my BF's bridesmaid - but she asked me to sing at her wedding instead, so I was still involved (could still have been a BM too but hey). When I got married, I had 0 bridesmaids - we didn't even have a best man as DH couldn't decide who to have and it was a fairly low-key wedding - might have upset a couple of people but I'd been bridesmaid at at least 3 guests' weddings and couldn't have them all as BMs back!

In the end, you have to decide whether you are going to continue to harbour resentment about it, or whether you're going to just let it go. Because whatever you decide now, you might have to face again when/if Friend B gets married.

MmeLindor. · 04/01/2012 07:49

Hmm, I think that you need to stop worrying over it.

YANBU to be a bit hurt, but you did not have either of them as bridesmaids, so you really cannot complain.

Tbh, I much prefer weddings where I can choose my own dress, have a fun time and not have official "duties". My bridesmaid days are DONE.

Lightofthemoon · 04/01/2012 08:00

I agree MmeLindor being a bridesmaid is hard work, you have so much to do in the run up and are on duty on the day. It is much more fun to go to a wedding as a guest instead.

I really wouldn't worry project just look at how your friendship is outside of the wedding and if you are happy with that then don't read anything else into it.

Hairynigel · 04/01/2012 08:11

Yabu, she can have whoever she likes as a bridesmaid

Northernlurker · 04/01/2012 08:18

Get over it is the best option I think. It could be that she wanted her schoolfriend plu A.N.Other and knew B would be upset, more uoset than you. Not really worth fussing over is it - especially when you didn't have either of them!

marriedinwhite · 04/01/2012 08:24

OK, you didn't ask either of them to be your bridesmaid and now you are upset that one of them has not asked you to be hers.

It's your friends wedding, either you accept the decision with good grace - it wasn't one you had any role in making either - and go to the wedding with a big smile on your face and never mention it again or you politely decline the invitation because you have other plans and never mention it.

Can't you just be pleased that your friend is getting married.

aldiwhore · 04/01/2012 08:24

Well being a bridesmaid is not hard work unless the bride is a PITA and pretty precious.

YANBU to feel disappointed OP but there could be a wealth of reasons for your friend's choice, most of them don't mean she doesn't LIKE you. It could be her oldest married friend is in a very different category therefore even though she's married they may have made a childhood pact (the reason why my oldest friend was my bridesmaid was because I'd asked her when we were 8) so when choosing between you and your Friend B, maybe the fact she WASN'T married was a factor?

Whatever the reason, the reasons are hers. If you're going to wind yourself up over this, and let it fester for years that's no good. You need to say something. What that would be would depend on how many beers you've had I guess!

My sister was my bridesmaid, she never asked me to be hers, I didn't WANT to be a bridesmaid but I would have liked to have been asked. I think I told one of the other bridesmaids exactly that and in a couple of days my sister phoned very upset that she'd upset me. She'd assumed that as I'd had a wedding of my own (and had often said I hate frills and chintz) she assumed I'd not want to be one (correct). It was all sorted out nicely. We both saved face (because honestly I would have said yes had she asked lol) and there was no falling out. Do you reckon you could actually speak to your friend?

If not, I'd be questioning the friendship. You don't have to lose a friend, but maybe she'll be more an 'eyes wide open' friend.

Chandon · 04/01/2012 08:27

I think yabu.

We don't all live in soap opera land with hurt feelings and simmering resentment.

Just try to be generous, and look deep inside for your own pride. And just be happy for them.

Trills · 04/01/2012 08:29

YANBU to be a little bit hurt, but only a little.

You'll have more fun at the wedding if you can just chill out and not have to help her go to the loo in a giant dress or look after her makeup or deal with Auntie Jean getting a bit merry and grabbing young men by the crotch.

EdithWeston · 04/01/2012 08:34

Even from the title of the thread you know you are BU.

You didn't ask her: for reasons that were good to you as the bride at the time.

She isn't asking you: for reasons that are good to her as bride at the time.

This is a very fair exchange. It doesn't take into account her feelings then - which she is NBU to have, nor yours now, which you are NBU to have.

But to expect different, especially if you see bridesmaiding as some sort of "transaction" which needs to be reciprocal, is VU. Her decisions are a mirror to yours.

AngryMotherF · 04/01/2012 09:17

It's understandable that you are upset, but these things are a real minefield when you get married. It's hard to have the wedding you want without offending people, so I think you just need to concentrate on being as supportive as you can be.

I wouldn't take it personally, it could be as simple as she chose the other friend because she will find it easier to attend fittings, or won't have children to consider on the day.

Let it go as much as you can.

mrspepperpotty · 04/01/2012 09:45

I was choosing between 2 equally close friends to be DS's godmother. I chose the one (A) who had chosen me to be her DD's godmother. It really is that simple! Not in a "I'm so pissed off with the other one for not asking me" way (actually she has not asked either of us, as she didn't get her DCs christened), but in a "I can't decide between you so this is the deciding factor" way.

When it came to weddings, they were each other's bridesmaids but I didn't have either of them (other people I needed to ask) and I wasn't either of theirs.

All 3 of us are still very close.

Original poster

ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 10:28

I do have friends where if this occurred, I could raise it with them, but I think it would be difficult with her, because she is quite sensitive and I think it might cast a shadow on her day.

The advice to let it go and move on is helpful, if I can just make my brain do that, although I think things like this do make you re-evaluate a friendship a bit. Now that I'm looking for them, I can see some recent occurances that might argue we're not as close as we used to be.

I feel a wee bit embarrassed too as I've been all in there discussing wedding tips and venues and stuff.

OP posts:

SantasENormaSnob · 04/01/2012 10:33

Maybe they felt the same when you had a school friend as your bm?

AMumInScotland · 04/01/2012 10:36

What's to be embarassed about? If she's your friend, you can still chat about venues, make suggestions, help out with info etc. It's not an exclusive club with bride & bridesmaid the only ones allowed to talk about it!

HappyMummyOfOne · 04/01/2012 11:05

I presume they felt the same when you snubbed both of them and chose a different bridesmaid for your own wedding. Even a small wedding can have two bridesmaids so they were probably very miffed like you are now.

Perhaps she feels she wasnt important enough to be your bridesmaid and feels her other friend is actually closer to her.

Flip

1 2 3