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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I probably ABU, but it's a wedding one, so pile in...

66 replies

ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 06:57

I suspect I this is childish, but it is driving me batshit.

I have two friends who I went to university with, Friend A and Friend B. We the moved to the same city at the same time and they are among 3 women who I consider my best friends. I've always thought we're equally close.

In the spirit of not drip-feeding, I will say that neither woman was bridesmaid when I married. We had a really small wedding, I couldn't choose between them and I thought it would be ridiculous to have a significant number of the congregation as bridesmaids, so I asked a friend from school. I did however, try to get them involved and presented them with gifts at the dinner and generally tried to show that they were very important to me on the day.

Friend A is now getting married and has asked her own school friend to be bridesmaid. I've just found out that she has also asked Friend B. I do know that my responsibility is to suck it up and make sure she has a nice day, but AIBU to feel a teensy bit miffed? She met her DP at our wedding, he was best man to my DH (he hasn't asked DH to be his best man, either).

Friend A is vair vair sensitive and I'm pretty sure she would have stabbed me if I had publicly chosen between her and Friend B at my wedding. She says she has chosen Friend B because she has had a bad year (so have I, godammit!!) and it doesn't mean she prefers her to me. All I've said is of course I understand and no hard feelings, but actually, it's really playing on my mind. I worry that she has been secretly fermenting resentment all these years. Or that she and her fiance don't really like us and I just hadn't realised.

AIBU to be a little bit hurt?

OP posts:
guinealady · 04/01/2012 11:09

Definitely one where it's perfectly acceptable to be hurt and upset inside, but accept it's not your place to make a fuss, take a big dose of common sense and not show you are upset.

I was in a similar position when my oldest friend asked me to be her bridesmaid and also asked me to do the reading in church. I was thrilled and said yes...then due to a prior commitment I couldn't make the wedding rehearsal and turned up before the wedding to find the other bridesmaid was doing the reading AND signing the register.

I was horribly hurt and was convinced it was partly a snub as I hadn't been able to make the rehearsal - in her shoes I would have swapped the roles over and had me sign the register instead, as that doesn't exactly need rehearsing - but I also think she picked the other friend over me as they had been at university and been through a lot together, the other BM had been very supportive when she was having a tough time at uni.

So I decided to bite my lip and get on with enjoying the wedding. I did feel a bit of a spare part as a bridesmaid walking up the aisle with no other role to play, though, and it made me decide if I ever got married I wouldn't have adult bridesmaids - making friends wear dresses they don't necessarily like and trot up the aisle when they could be wearing their own nice clothes all seems a bit of a palaver.

In any case my friend's marriage didn't last and so all involved look back on it with mixed feelings - and in the long term our friendship has survived, although of course I still remember how hurt I was at the time, but have just kept it to myself. The same friend will be doing a reading at my wedding this year and am having 2 family members as flower girls, no grown-up bridesmaids at all - I stuck to my resolution!

tinkertitonk · 04/01/2012 11:23

Is this the worst rejection you've ever faced? How have you dealt with other rejections? Being dumped, not getting the job you wanted, watching others get the promotion you wanted, having an editor reject your book, that sort of thing.

girlywhirly · 04/01/2012 11:44

I think you have to accept that people and their friendships change over time, although I accept you don't feel happy about it. Not being asked to be a bridesmaid isn't a measure of how much better liked you are above other friends, and it would be unreasonable to expect it as a public demonstration of your being favoured over others. That's the sort of thing a teenager would do.

It sounds as though you are noticing things that make you feel left out and that you are not as close to the bride as you once were, well, that's life. I don't think it is any of your business who she chooses as bridesmaid, and be grateful she wants you to attend the wedding. I'm sure it will be just as enjoyable as a guest.

startail · 04/01/2012 12:00

If my 13 year old DD has to accept that she's not being a brides maid when her 10 year old sister is. I think you can too.
(DD1 is taller than the bride and the adult bridesmaid and nearly as tall as the groom and quite different colouring. It wouldn't work. It's going to cost me a very posh dress and shoes in compensation)

fit2drop · 04/01/2012 12:22

She has explained her reasons to you ( her chosen bridesmaid has had a bad year) . She explained her reasoning (she didnt HAVE to do that but obviously felt it necessary. I wonder why? ) and you accepted it.

Its not her fault you were not honest about feeling a bit miffed.

Suck it up , its no biggy. She has only done the same as you , which is , made choices that she felt were right at the time and which suits her and her fella.

squeakytoy · 04/01/2012 12:27

yabu simply for the "vair vair"..... Grin

what is wrong with typing "very"??

squeakytoy · 04/01/2012 12:30

DD1 is taller than the bride and the adult bridesmaid and nearly as tall as the groom and quite different colouring. It wouldn't work

??? wtf??? so a girl can only be a bridesmaid if she is aesthetically pleasing to the bride now... wow, no shallowness there then.. Hmm

If that is the criteria that one child has been picked above the other, I would refuse to let the younger one be a bridesmaid tbh. What sort of shit message does that give to the poor 13yo :(

fit2drop · 04/01/2012 12:35

squeaky Grin thats "quait quait" funny

ViviPru · 04/01/2012 12:36

You've had a lucky escape, OP.

I had (past tense being relevant) 4 very close male friends. Two are twins, two are cousins who grew up living next door to each other, so are close as brothers. All 4 have been best friends since primary school, but the pivotal 'best friends' through thick and thin are Twin A and Cousin A.

Twin A got married. Twin B was Best Man. Cousin B was asked to be usher. Cousin A was completely omitted from the wedding party. There was no reason given. Everyone privately thought it was bizarre, but couldn't be arsed to bring it up with Twin A as thats blokes' way. They just sucked it up.

On the day, Twin B (best man) was an utter tyrant, Cousin B was massively offended by his behaviour (and rightly so). By the time we got to the reception, Twin B and Cousin B had had a massive fall out. 18 months on and relations are still hugely strained between us all.

Cousin A got pissed as a fart and had a whale of a time.

Original poster
ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 12:39

HappyMumOfOne that very much is what I'm worried about. I doubt I'll ever get to the bottom of it.

It's actually been helpful to hear that I'm not the only person this has happened to and that most people think what I suspected - that I just need to suck it up and be happy for them.

That's why I posted. It's not the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but then I probably wouldn't ask for advice about life's graver problems in AIBU, tinkertitonk

OP posts:
Figgyrollsintoapudding · 04/01/2012 12:39

You won't have to wear a ghastly dress or shoes that you hate...............bonus Grin

Annoying that it is cling to that hope!

Just say you would love to be involved in the hen etc if you can and do bridesmaidy things to help without being a bridesmaid.

Are you prettier than her?

Figgyrollsintoapudding · 04/01/2012 12:42

Actually thinking about it I didn't ask my bf to be godmother to my first child. For a very simple reason. I adore her, knew she would love my child unconditionally etc and really wanted someone I truly loved to be godmother to my second child to make it feel more important. This could have back fired and I could have not had a second child but I did, and am also a gp to her second. Our Friend B asked to be a gm to second dc because she was jealous!

In retrospect I wish I had asked her dh to be a gp to my first, my dd adores him and would choose him as a second parent any day. Unlike her other gp's!

(GP's refers to godparents not grandparents btw and I know I am off track......)

CatHairInMyFaceCream · 04/01/2012 12:46

OP, I'd bring it up with the bride...

"hey bride, I know I'm not a bridesmaid or anything but I'd like to help you out as much as I can, you do know you can count on me don't you..."

or words to that effect.

It might open up the lines lines of communication and all you're doing is offering a helping hand.

Out of interest, who is the best man then? Presumably the groom and your dh are 'bezzies' but I suspect the groom may have been obliged to choose a brother or something...

Original poster
ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 12:53

Figgyrolls Grin

Bridesmaid 1 (schoolfriend) is an absolute supermodel. Maybe I should count myself lucky that I don't have to stand up next to Claudia Schiffer in a peach satin dress.

Vivipru - ouch.

OP posts:
Sudaname · 04/01/2012 12:56

Gawd 'elp us -weddings eh - can we not ban 'em ? Grin

But seriously -l dont think yabu to have the feelings you do which you cant help after all. But maybe your 'vehr' vehr' sensitive friend made a vow to herself when stood simmering at your wedding that if she ever got married you wouldnt be her bridesmaid. Just a possibility - being very sensitive and all that - it probably hurt her more than you realised. Sounds like just a bit of tit for tat to me tbh.

Original poster
ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 12:57

Yeah, I suppose it's silly to hold back with the wedding advice for fear of overstepping the mark. I am being oversensitive.

Best man is a communal friend, who also had the fiance as his best man. To be fair, he lives closer than we currently do. And as I say, DH cares not a fig.

OP posts:
Original poster
ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 13:00

If anyone can come up with a non-confrontational way of saying 'hey Friend A, I am totally ok with you not inviting me to be bridesmaid, but did I offend you all those years ago?' that would be nice.

I am 7 months pregnant, so my preferred option of getting us both drunk won't work.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyShallow · 04/01/2012 13:01

Let it go, and be happy you dont have to be involved.

Maybe it really HAS been festering with her for years, so what. Let her have her "comeuppance". It may not taste as sweet for her as she think it will.

Yanbu to be a little teeny bit hurt though.

thenightsky · 04/01/2012 13:08

I've breathed sighs of relief every time I have not been chosen as a BM. Think of it as Russian roulette.

Enjoy the wedding as a guest Smile

CatHairInMyFaceCream · 04/01/2012 13:08

OP - this is how I see the conversation going...

"hey friend A, I'm so glad you're getting married, happy to help in any way because I know how stressful it can be, I remember when I was getting married...so many decisions, worried about offending people etc etc, basically if I could offer you any advice just do what you want and not what others expect of you, that's why I had to choose school friend to be bridesmaid because I couldn't choose between you and so and so, the congregation was too small etc etc..I was so scared of hurting everyones feelings...Has it been like like for you....

If she replies, no then you're never going to get it out of her Grin

But hopefully she may say,

"well yes I was worried about choosing so and so over you but i knew you wouldn't mind because you're like me and I didn't mind when you has school friend blah blah blah..."

CatHairInMyFaceCream · 04/01/2012 13:09

rogue comma

If she replies no then you're never going to get it out of her

Sudaname · 04/01/2012 13:15

We had a very quiet did one and went to a village registry office wedding.
We both have large extended disfunctional families and it was a case of invite some and not others then 'Family at War' would have ensued. Same with friends - my closest friend is my sis-in-law so couldnt really invite her without my brother - her DH. One of my DHs closest friends is also a cousin - so ditto with rest of his family. So we couldnt have just family or just closest friends and at this point decided to shoot ourselves after going round and round with it when trying to compose a reasonable size guest list.

So we just did one opted for a quiet wedding with two strangers as witnesses.

But it still caused no end of Shock and affrontry among our friends and relativespass me a machine gun now.

It backfired on us though as we had a reception months later - buffet,dj - l wore my dress and bought little party/bridesmaid/pageboy outfits for our five DGCs. We invited absolutely everybody and they all had a great time and were quite happy to scoff all the food but only one couple bought us a bottle of wine ( cos they thought we'd got married that day iyswim) and we got no other presents whatsoever the twats but hey l'm not bitter.

Sudaname · 04/01/2012 13:18

pass me a machine gun now Grin

lljkk · 04/01/2012 13:33

I think that if this is the worst thing you ever have to say about your friendship that you are very lucky indeed.

Waxtart · 04/01/2012 13:39

You're not totally ok with it though are you? It's hurt and it's got you wondering about whether you are as close as you think you are. And I think she was probably feeling the same as you are now, when you didn't choose her. Your reasons made sense to you, but maybe not to her - and this is the same thing.

Some people find it really hard just to come out and say "yes, you hurt me" when confronted and I think if she wanted to talk to you about it she would have done by now. I'd let it drop.