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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I probably ABU, but it's a wedding one, so pile in...

66 replies

ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 06:57

I suspect I this is childish, but it is driving me batshit.

I have two friends who I went to university with, Friend A and Friend B. We the moved to the same city at the same time and they are among 3 women who I consider my best friends. I've always thought we're equally close.

In the spirit of not drip-feeding, I will say that neither woman was bridesmaid when I married. We had a really small wedding, I couldn't choose between them and I thought it would be ridiculous to have a significant number of the congregation as bridesmaids, so I asked a friend from school. I did however, try to get them involved and presented them with gifts at the dinner and generally tried to show that they were very important to me on the day.

Friend A is now getting married and has asked her own school friend to be bridesmaid. I've just found out that she has also asked Friend B. I do know that my responsibility is to suck it up and make sure she has a nice day, but AIBU to feel a teensy bit miffed? She met her DP at our wedding, he was best man to my DH (he hasn't asked DH to be his best man, either).

Friend A is vair vair sensitive and I'm pretty sure she would have stabbed me if I had publicly chosen between her and Friend B at my wedding. She says she has chosen Friend B because she has had a bad year (so have I, godammit!!) and it doesn't mean she prefers her to me. All I've said is of course I understand and no hard feelings, but actually, it's really playing on my mind. I worry that she has been secretly fermenting resentment all these years. Or that she and her fiance don't really like us and I just hadn't realised.

AIBU to be a little bit hurt?

OP posts:

Figgyrollsintoapudding · 04/01/2012 13:42

You so did not mention you being pg! I expect she doesn't want the day to be about when the bridesmaid is going to give birth now if she doesn't invite you because of a baby and gets all bridezillary come back and let us give you more advice

Original poster

ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 13:58

Not totally ok with it, no. But who knows that apart from me, DH and a thousand people on MN?

However, bridesmaid 1 is also a month more pg than me, so it isn't that. Bridesmaid 1 is also insisting on taking her baby to the wedding, whereas I am honouring my friend's preference that kids don't come. I realise that's a whole other can of MN worms, but I am actually ok with this.

I'm making all these people sound awful, aren't I? They really aren't that bad.

OP posts:

Original poster

ProjectGainsborough · 04/01/2012 14:36

PS - thank you cathair. If I can work up the balls, I'll try that...

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 04/01/2012 18:27

Pg bridesmaids or nursing bridesmaids. ROFL. Why was this ever an issue in the first place?

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 04/01/2012 23:26

Project, is this your first DC you're pg with? you might feel a bit differently about not taking the baby just after you've had it (depending on how far down the line the wedding is) - then again, you might not. :)

lisaro · 04/01/2012 23:30

Sorry - I think you're being very precious about this. She wasn't your bridesmaid so why do you think you have more right to be hers?

4madboys · 04/01/2012 23:50

what lisaro has said, seriously i get you are pregnant and hormonal and overthinking things but get a grip!

mynewpassion · 05/01/2012 00:55

I don't know why you even bother asking the whys again. She gave you her reasoning for choosing her bridesmaids.

Accept it and move on.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 05/01/2012 01:14

YABU.

Your reasons for not choosing either of your best friends to be bridesmaids at your wedding makes completely perfect and logical sense. To you. But those reasons really don't stand up to close scrutiny at all.

I honestly can't understand why you'd forego sharing your special day with your two best friends because you thought 2 bridesmaids would look odd, given the numbers invited. And instead just had one person who didn't mean as much to you.

Obviously it all makes perfect sense to you which is why you made the decision you did. But it doesn't necessarily make perfect sense full stop. And in any case, the upshot was that you ended up excluding friends from roles on your special day.

So, your friend is now in the position to make the right decisions for her, and no doubt her reasoning (which you may never end up being privy to) makes absolute perfect, logical sense to her.

That was all the mattered for you, so that's all that matters now. You basically just have to trust that she has made the right decision with the right line of reasoning, just as you did. And then you just have to get over it, move on and be happy for her, as you expected your friends to do for you. :)

Original poster

ProjectGainsborough · 05/01/2012 05:00

Just to explain a little better, 2 bridesmaids would have been fine. But I had 1 schoolfriend already (who I am as close to as the uni friends), so this would have been PLUS friends A ad B. I then would have felt I was leaving out another member of our group and wouldn't have felt comfortable excluding only her. So 4 bridesmaids. And then anxieties about having so many and NOT having relatives, etc. So I picked the schoolfriend as I?d known her longest and drew a line under it, explaining that it was because we were having such a small wedding.

But the principal is sound slinking . It?s her choice. I accept that.

Thumb, it's my 2nd child, so I am probably a little more relaxed than my friend?s bridesmaid. And the baby will be about 8 months by then, so (at the moment) I think it will be ok to leave her with parents for the day.

OP posts:

SmileItsSunny · 05/01/2012 05:12

So the wedding is nearly a year away? Anything could change! Wait and see...

MilitaryWag · 05/01/2012 05:24

YABU.... her wedding, her choices. Weddings are bloomin' minefield and it is inevitable that someone gets upset at some point about something along the way. Close friend of mine got so sick of it all she cancelled and went abroad with her OH to get married... just them and a witness.

Original poster

ProjectGainsborough · 05/01/2012 05:25

lisaro - it's not that I have any galloping desire to be bridesmaid. It's just that I'm left wondering a) did I offend her all those years ago and b) has our friendship moved on and I've not realised?

But yes... 'pg and overthinking it' rings a bell!!

OP posts:

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 05/01/2012 05:37

oh that's fine then - you know what you're likely to be able to deal with!

Kiwiinkits · 05/01/2012 08:07

I didn't ask my sister to be BM because she is way prettier and more petite than I am! Shallow eh? Her reasons could be many.... I'd say that you being seven months pregnant possibly has something to do with it, she doesn't want o burden you when you'll have a wee baby, perhaps

Kiwiinkits · 05/01/2012 08:11

Oh just read the other posts, it's not coz you're pregnant then. So it must be because you're really hot!

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