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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not accept this gift?

72 replies

LisaD1 · 02/01/2012 20:28

My much loved grandad died when I was 13yrs old, he was my dad's dad. Mum's dad said at the time he would "have to be 2 grandads" to me and my siblings. He then did absolutely nothing for us from that day forward (he never had so it wasn't anything new). Mums mum died a few years later and contact with her dad became very infrequent. I have no time for the man at all, life was tough growing up, my DF had a complet breakdown as a result of his DF's death and we really could have used the support of a grandad, we never got it but that's life and we all got on fine as we were.

12 years ago, i went to see this man as I am his eldest grandchild and was expecting his first great grandchild. He told me to be quiet as the snooker was on tv, I was 6 months pregnant and had driven 100+ miles.

I have never bothered since.

Fast forward to now (26years since my lovely grandad died) and this man is now dying, he has had heart issues/cancer in the past. Heart is now giving up. He asked to see all grandchildren, I have said no thanks.

He has now bought expensive items of jewellery for me and my sis, I am to choose as I am eldest, this is done via my mum. I have said no thanks.

Mum is upset and has asked me to take and give to one of my DD's if I don't want it but I would also be expected, by mum, to call him and say thanks.

I REALLY don't want to, it goes against everything I believe in. Mum is very upset.

So AIBU to stick to my guns and say no thanks to gifts and contact?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

hwjm1945 · 02/01/2012 20:30

up to you, on the one hand, take it and sell it an have a good holiday - he may be tryign to reach out in the only way he knows, i.e. with money. or, if you feel that strongly, don't take it and tell mum why and then move on

monstermissy · 02/01/2012 20:35

I would visit, there is nothing like your own mortality to make you realise what you had but lost or what could of been. Maybe this is how he is feeling? My dad is a crap dad and a crap grandad to my boys but family just isnt something he does well at all. I have accepted that and i still invite him round over christmas and he still comes and looks bored or gets pissed and silly etc. I dont expect anything from him and he isnt able for whatever reasons to give.it anyway. It works for us, i would love more and have felt let down about not having a proper grandad for the kids, just the way it is.

Shakey1500 · 02/01/2012 20:35

It sounds like it is his way of saying sorry, trying to make amends. It's up to you if you can accept that. For me personally, I would accept it, call and say thanks, listen to what he has to say, if anything. He's doing something though, even if it does seem impersonal as a gift. That's got to be better than doing nothing even if it is years later.

frankie76 · 02/01/2012 20:35

I never saw my dad growing up and he never did anything but when he called and was dying I just had to grit my teeth and bear it as I saw it as I had to just because he was dying
Not saying you have to but some people who know they are dying want to make amends for their past mistakes - of course some don't and just don't want to be alone

Faverolles · 02/01/2012 20:37

I think YANBU to feel like this, but some people are genuinely crap at socialising, even with family, but this doesn't make him a monster, just not as involved as you would have liked him to be. This sounds like his last chance to make amends for behaving in a way he now regrets, and I think it would be unreasonable not to take this last opportunity to make up.

SiamoNellaMerda · 02/01/2012 20:37

I'd take it. Fuck the ethics of the matter! Flog the jewellery and get something you really really want - preferably something of which he would have disapproved.

The words nose, cut, spite and face spring to mind and therefore - at this point anyway -YABU

SkivingAgain · 02/01/2012 20:38

Mmmm, this is a tricky one.

You sound like a good and principled person. It is hard when people do not live up to their promises or our expectations, but he is dying and seems to want to make amends. Perhaps he now regrets his past behaviour and wants to make things right while he still can. Do you think you could be forgiving and generous enough to grant him this? Understandable if the answer to this is 'no'.

Could your sister choose what she wants and you could give yours to your daughter, or donate it to a good cause?

When one of my gp's died years ago my aunt asked if I would like a piece of her jewelry, but I couldn't bring myself to accept.

Good luck with this, whatever you decide will be right as you are clearly giving it careful consideration.

SarahStratton · 02/01/2012 20:39

I'd do the same as Siamo. And if you really don't want it, sell it and donate the money to a charity.

Chulita · 02/01/2012 20:41

If he is trying to make amends maybe the best thing would be to go and see him but not accept the gift. If you take it it's like you weren't interested until he 'bought' you with an expensive gift. One of my grandads is very money orientated and if you don't do what he asks first, he'll give you something and then ask again in the hope that you'll feel obliged to. Of course your grandad could be completely different.
At the end of it, if he is feeling rubbish for not seeing you/making an effort this will help ease his conscience and if he's just not wanting to be alone, it won't hurt you to go just the one time to say goodbye.

AMumInScotland · 02/01/2012 20:42

YANBU. But your mum is facing the prospect of losing her father - he may be crap but he's the only one she's got and is going to be hurting. Could you explain to her how you feel but say she can hang onto one for your dd if it matters that much to her?

mockingjay · 02/01/2012 20:42

The only reason this is a tough decision is because you don't want your mother hurt. I would do it for her sake.

I totally see where you're coming from though. I see my father once every 5 yrs or so. He always brings something expensive and makes sure I know it's expensive. These presents make me feel dirty for a reason I can't quite explain.

AMumInScotland · 02/01/2012 20:45

Oh I've just realised this is stuff he's just bought, not family stuff. In which case I can totally see why you don't want it - there's no sentimental attachment, it's just about buying your attention. I'd tell mum its just not going to happen, but let her do what she wants if she wants to avoid awkwardness with him, if he hasn't got long left she probably doesn't want to make things worse than they already are.

Megatron · 02/01/2012 20:45

I would do it, but only for your mum.

AKMD · 02/01/2012 20:45

YANBU; you don't have to take the jewellery but I would go and see him for your mother's sake.

readsalotgirl · 02/01/2012 20:47

Perhaps this is something you should do for your mum. I had similar feelings towards an aunt (dad's sister) who was a complete PITA and caused lots of problems for my dad (and for my mum). Dad was always upset and disappointed that aunty didn't show more interest in me - I realised as a teenager she wasn't interested in me and wasn't inclined to make much effort with her. Fast forward to my wedding - did NOT want to invite her as couldn't stand her really but realised that to do this would upset dad terribly so invited the old bat to keep dad happy.

Sometimes I think you do have to bend your principles a bit to keep those you do love happy. Your mum is probably very hurt by her fathers lack of interest in you as his grandchildren and needs to be able to comfort herself with the thought that he has made amends at the end.

By the way aunty got quite pissed at my wedding and was later sick and blamed it on "something she'd eaten" - I scarcely spoke to her after that !

BandOMothers · 02/01/2012 20:47

Yabu. When a man is looking death in the face, it is human to be kind.

Pocksrule · 02/01/2012 20:47

I agree do it for your mum as she will ahve to deal with the fallout. There also may be history you have never known that led him to be disinterested in his family.

You may also regret not seeing him in the future when high feelings have died down. I think the key is communication before he dies, the gift is irrelevant, it may be his way of helping you avoid inheritance tax.

slavetofilofax · 02/01/2012 20:48

I'd do it for your mum, and also because if when I am dying I have realised I made a mistake, I would want my apology to be accepted.

After he does, it is very unlikely that you will regret taking the gift and talking to him. But there is a chance you might regret not taking it and talking to him.

It will cause hurt to not accept. If it doesn't actually hurt you to do it, then do it. Anger dissipates quicker than hurt.

thepeoplesprincess · 02/01/2012 20:48

Just take it and then make a 30 second call to say thanks. At the very least, you'll have it over and done with.

OlympicEater · 02/01/2012 20:50

Like others have said I would do visit, but for your Mum, not him.

Take the gift, flog it and spend the money on something nice

SiamoNellaMerda · 02/01/2012 20:52

BandOMothers - yes, exactly

Rosebud05 · 02/01/2012 20:53

I can totally see your pov, but do think that you should go to see him if you can in anyway face it.

Partly for your mum, and also for yourself. At some point, you're going to have to explain your actions to yourself and your children and, in the long run, I think you'll feel better having reached out to his olive branch, rather than hung on to your principles. You don't have to be all long-lost-relative, just respectful and composed.

It would be different if he had been cruel or abusive to you but, from what you said, he's just been fairly crap and self-absorbed, which he's trying to say something about - be it sorry or something else - at the end of his life.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 02/01/2012 20:57

I would not take it.

If you feel so strongly that you do not want to take it, don't.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2012 21:01

If you decide not to take it there is no going back.
Are you prepared to deal with the feelings both you and your mum will have if you take this course of action?

chocolatchaud · 02/01/2012 21:07

I would make contact, not necessarily accept the gift - that's entirely up to you - but make contact.

It doesn't sound as if he is an evil person who has done something awful to you, he's just a bit crap at communication and relationships.

Be kind - you are the one who is going to live.

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