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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not accept this gift?

72 replies

LisaD1 · 02/01/2012 20:28

My much loved grandad died when I was 13yrs old, he was my dad's dad. Mum's dad said at the time he would "have to be 2 grandads" to me and my siblings. He then did absolutely nothing for us from that day forward (he never had so it wasn't anything new). Mums mum died a few years later and contact with her dad became very infrequent. I have no time for the man at all, life was tough growing up, my DF had a complet breakdown as a result of his DF's death and we really could have used the support of a grandad, we never got it but that's life and we all got on fine as we were.

12 years ago, i went to see this man as I am his eldest grandchild and was expecting his first great grandchild. He told me to be quiet as the snooker was on tv, I was 6 months pregnant and had driven 100+ miles.

I have never bothered since.

Fast forward to now (26years since my lovely grandad died) and this man is now dying, he has had heart issues/cancer in the past. Heart is now giving up. He asked to see all grandchildren, I have said no thanks.

He has now bought expensive items of jewellery for me and my sis, I am to choose as I am eldest, this is done via my mum. I have said no thanks.

Mum is upset and has asked me to take and give to one of my DD's if I don't want it but I would also be expected, by mum, to call him and say thanks.

I REALLY don't want to, it goes against everything I believe in. Mum is very upset.

So AIBU to stick to my guns and say no thanks to gifts and contact?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

mockingjay · 02/01/2012 21:08

But Nanny0gg, there is already no going back. A piece of jewellery won't give them the lost years. So really, why would OP pretend to appease a man who has given her nothing but pain?

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2012 21:11

Because he is dying? And it may be his way of saying sorry.
And for her mum.

mockingjay · 02/01/2012 21:13

I agree about being for her Mum, and would probably do it on that basis.

But dying isn't a trump card.

CatPussRoastingByAnOpenFire · 02/01/2012 21:13

Go. Do it for your Mum, do it for him and do it for youself. You only have, and only ever will have, if you dont go, one side of the story, your own, you have no idea what the other side is. He is dying, and you will never get another chance to put things to rest. There may be no good reason for his behaviour, there may be something terrible that you dont know. Put the past to rest.

skybluepearl · 02/01/2012 21:17

why not just accept the gift for your mum and DD. write a thankyou if you prefer. he is on his death bed - and wants to make a kind gesture.

kodachrome · 02/01/2012 21:18

I think you should accept the olive branch, take the moral high road and let the man try to assuage his conscience. Not doing so hurts your mother more than him if he's this cold neglectful person.

ToothbrushThief · 02/01/2012 21:21

Do what you wish to OP.

I would have no issue in taking the jewellery and paying the same lip service to him as he gave to you....then selling it

I'd probably not do that however as it would make me feel unpleasant

startail · 02/01/2012 21:23

Visit, take the gift, keep or sell, but for your children's benefit not yours and not his.

lovelyladuree · 02/01/2012 21:24

YANBU. Don't take it. It is a horrible position for you to be put into. Stay strong, don't succumb to sentimentality. Let him go knowing, and regretting, how crap he's made you feel for 26 years.

galletti · 02/01/2012 21:26

Accept the gift, go see him, and decide what to do with the jewellery later. I too think he is trying to make amends. You know, in life, and especially when a family member is facing death, we just have to do these things. In years to come, I think you would regret not doing this now, if only for your mum's sake. Sorry you are going through this.

pigletmania · 02/01/2012 21:30

I would go and not accept the gift. Like others have said he is realising that he is dying, and wants to make amends, its not until the prospect of death that some people evaluate their life and try to make up for what they have done wrong. He is not a horrid man, just someone who was not as involved and interested as he should have been. You might regret not doing so later on.

CatPussRoastingByAnOpenFire · 02/01/2012 21:31

I think, as he wants to see you, you need to go. Even if you do, you dont need to accept the gift. You do need to set the past to rest though. I really think that closure is very important.

Hassled · 02/01/2012 21:31

I think accept the gift and pass it to your DDs. He's old, he's dying, he's taking stock of his life and he's clearly trying to make amends. Be the better person - let him die knowing that his attempts to sort out his mistakes were valued.

startail · 02/01/2012 21:31

Sorry pressed send too soon.
My lovely great aunt left money to each of her great nieces and nephew.As a young adult starting out even a small amount was very useful.
He may not be a good grandad, he really may not know how to be, but to turn down a dying persons gift down totally may be something you'll feel faintly uncomfortable about in the future.

Yourefired · 02/01/2012 21:33

I would accept the gift for the following reason. Your mum has a relationship with her father, and that is likely to end soon. By refusing the gift you are placing her in a difficult situation with her father at a time when she is seeking to say goodbye positively to him. Perhaps your mum could choose the gift for your DD, and hold it for her until emotions have tempered. It does not have to become a family heirloom from your grandfather but a gift chosen by her grandma.

I can also understand your feeling compromised by your grandfather, especially given the lack of support he showed your DF, but accepting the gift is not condoning his behaviour, nor looking for reconciliation. I would see it as acting in a compassionate manner towards someone who is down, despite the fact that this was something he was unable to achieve in his lifetime. I would not feel obliged to have contact with him, but would write a thank you note.

TheSmallClanger · 02/01/2012 21:33

Take it, for the sake of your sister and mum if no-one else. Then you can have the matter over and done with, instead of it turning into a family sore point potentially lasting years.

You can keep the jewellery for your DD or flog it on Ebay.

Crabapple99 · 02/01/2012 21:35

YABU. You re turning down the gift of a dying man because of some mismatch in the past between your expectations f a relationship, and his. He owed you nothing, you felt he owed you something, and were hurt you diden't get it - that wasn't actualy his fault.

I think you are being unkind, and creating an issue where it is totally unnessesary.

SkivingAgain · 03/01/2012 18:27

OP, you've had lots of advice and not all of it pointing in the same direction. Has it helped you to reach a decision?

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 03/01/2012 18:30

It would be kind of you to visit.

Do it because you are a kind person.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/01/2012 18:33

Unless I've missed something, I'm guessing he was disinterested rather than actually abusive? Correct me if I'm wrong. So the couple of posters commenting on letting him go to his grave knowing how crap he's made you feel seem a bit much. Apologies if I have that wrong.

I would do it for your mum's sake. Or rather, I wouldn't not do it to punish him because I'm not sure what it is he should be punished for, other than being a shit grandfather.

perceptionreality · 03/01/2012 18:33

It's not for me to judge your relationship with him or whether you should see him or not. But tbh I would accept the gift - there is not much to be gained in refusing them. What point would you be making?

Adversecamber · 03/01/2012 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grumpypants · 03/01/2012 18:35

I think you are punishing him for living longer than your other granddad and for not being as wondeful as he was. What has he actually done wrong? Not been very interested in you and your family, so nows your chance to get him back. Well done. It wasn't his job to support his son in law - some families aren't close like that. I don't expect my fil to be my dad (who died when I was 16) and I don't see why you should add to your mums pain.
If those are your priciples, I'm glad not to share them.

SoupDragon · 03/01/2012 18:38

Why would you deliberately upset your mum? Swallow any bad feeling, grit your teeth and accept the gift with good grace. This is her father dying.

TidyDancer · 03/01/2012 18:39

I would visit. And I do not say this lightly. I have just lost my father less than two months ago. We had a very difficult relationship and I didn't get the chance to make my peace with him. I will never get that opportunity back again.

If I was faced with a similar situation again and I knew the person involved was dying (we did not know my dad was dying), I would do what I felt was right unless I thought I would come to physical or emotional harm.

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