To not accept this gift?

[LisaD1]

My much loved grandad died when I was 13yrs old, he was my dad's dad. Mum's dad said at the time he would "have to be 2 grandads" to me and my siblings. He then did absolutely nothing for us from that day forward (he never had so it wasn't anything new). Mums mum died a few years later and contact with her dad became very infrequent. I have no time for the man at all, life was tough growing up, my DF had a complet breakdown as a result of his DF's death and we really could have used the support of a grandad, we never got it but that's life and we all got on fine as we were.

12 years ago, i went to see this man as I am his eldest grandchild and was expecting his first great grandchild. He told me to be quiet as the snooker was on tv, I was 6 months pregnant and had driven 100+ miles.

I have never bothered since.

Fast forward to now (26years since my lovely grandad died) and this man is now dying, he has had heart issues/cancer in the past. Heart is now giving up. He asked to see all grandchildren, I have said no thanks.

He has now bought expensive items of jewellery for me and my sis, I am to choose as I am eldest, this is done via my mum. I have said no thanks.

Mum is upset and has asked me to take and give to one of my DD's if I don't want it but I would also be expected, by mum, to call him and say thanks.

I REALLY don't want to, it goes against everything I believe in. Mum is very upset.

So AIBU to stick to my guns and say no thanks to gifts and contact?

Thanks for reading.

I turned down a large cheque from my father after over 15 years of estrangement. I did not feel it was appropriate to accept it or to start the very basic relationship between him and DS, his grandson, on the basis of accepting a large gift.

However, in this situation I would be inclined to accept the gift or the contact. He is dying and has clearly done some thinking about his relationships with family members. The compassionate thing to do would be to pay him a short visit and then decide whether or not to accept the gift based on how the contact goes.

There is no need to make his dying any harder than it will be anyway - it doesn't sound like he was a bad person, just not a great grandparent.

I also think it sounds like you're angry with him because he could not fulfil the role your dad's dad did. Some people are better grandparents than others. I do think it's harsh to disown him in this way though.

Thank you all for your replies, I have given this a lot of thought.

I cannot make a "quick visit" as he is still over 100 miles away and I work ft.

The last thing I want to do is add to my mums pain as I do understand he is her dad and she loves him dearly, warts and all.

I have told my mum that she can choose which piece comes to me, I will then give to my eldest DD (she is 12) as she loves jewellery and won't care about the back story. I will then send a thank you card making apologies for not visiting.

My mum is really happy with this solution.

Those of you that have said I am angry at him for not being my other grandad are probably right and it did me good to hear it from impartial people, so whilst it wasn't nice to hear I do take the points on board. I do not wish to make his pasing harder for anyone and if accepting his gift and sending a card will help then it won't hurt me to do so.

How about this for a suggestion? Why don't you say 'my sister and I accept your gesture of giving something to us. But what would make us happier, is if you would donate the money that you would have spent on XXXX charity. We have everything that we need, and would like it to go to help other people'.

This way.....

1/ you aren't lumbered with a physical gift from them - which I can totally understand you don't want.
2/ Sometimes, in life, we have to swallow hard and - despite our feelings, have to allow people a chance to reconcile WITH THEMSELVES possibly. He is at the end of his life. You are not going to have to put up with it for much longer. He is trying to make amends - you do not have to take this on board for yourself. But do consider whether you should allow him the chance to do it for himself. His time is short, it seems.
3/ You put yourself in a position where you can honestly say that you weren't hard-hearted to a dying man.
4/ It makes you look incredibly kind hearted and charitable instead.

If face to face is just too hard.... (and it's OK to be honest about this and don't feel guilty if it's too much) send him it as a letter, so he can reflect on it, with the details of your chosen charities.

Can I just add one small thing.... you really don't have to appease your mother. This is your relationship with him, your issue, your choice. There is nothing as false as a sense of family 'obligation'. It has to come from your YOUR heart. I would ask..... is the decision to give it your daugter from your heart, and not your mums. You might have accepted her advice, and be pleased that that is the best solution... if so, that's good. Sorted. But please, do make sure that this is what sits comfortably with you. Remember, one day, she will ask where it came from, and want to know more. Make sure you'll be able to do that fully, and convincingly through gritted teeth!

I have always been honest with my children, if when she is older she asks where it comes from i will tell her that an old dying man gifted it to me and I thought she would like it.

What bandomothers said

GREAT ANSWER!

And if she says 'what was he like' (they always ask THE most awkward and thought-provoking question!!!!).... you can then whip out a girlie list of 'non' comments, like 'interesting'... which we learn from our mums when they hate our clothes!

I really, really don't want to sound patronising... I really don't, but I think it's great that you've come to such a positive outcome. My dad died last year, and there were many people who really didn't resolve issues in their own heads.

You have acted with real compassion.

Thank you Pleasedtomeetyou and I'm sorry for your loss.

Nice one, Lisa x

Do you know Lisa, I had quite an amazing experience when I saw him after he died. I'm not a loopy loo.... but it really changed me for the better. I think, that your selflessness in this situation - despite how you've felt, will in some small way, change you for the better. I'm going now, before I get a reputation for being an emotional weirdo! ha ha ha ha

Haha, There are worse reputations to have! :-)

that sounds like a really good compramise to me. I am similarly estranged from my Grandma for about 18 yrs (not particulary close before though either), she is a stranger to me now and i wouldn't be incined to suddenly go and see her just because she was dying.

I'd sell it and buy myself something I liked wouldn't visit him either.

Lisa - I think you have definitely made the right decision but if I were you I'd also call him.

It's very hard to make any judgement on anybody else's relationship but - deep breath - it doesn't sound as though he abused you or did anything wrong other than sins of omission.

I feel like this is almost MN bingo thing, but I have had a very difficult relationship with my dad. In recent it has been suggested (by a medic) that he is autistic. I don't know for sure if this is right but he certainly has many characteristics of autism - and the ignoring personal relationships, absorption in things like geeky sport etc are all things he does. Thinking of him that way has made it easier to forgive all the stuff he didn't do (e.g. attending Dsis wedding!!).

Of course that is totally out of leftfield wrt to your GD, but imagine if that were really true and at the last he were trying to reach out? Maybe just speak to him once?

Also I wouldn't sell anything he bought - at the risk of sounding really pious, I don't think that's honest. Accept a gift in the spirit in which it was given or don't, but don't flog it for cash - yuck.

Hi Yonder,

Sorry to hear of your relationship with your dad. There are no medical reasons for my GD behaviour, he IS capable of love and affection as he lavished both on many of our cousins. I don't know why he didn't do the same with us and don't think trying to work it all out now will help anyone. My plan is to accept the gift, write the thank you note and then let go of the past, none of us can change it and there is no time for a future.

I don't hate him or even dislike him, I feel the same as I would if it were a friends relation, sad fr any loss of life but not personally affected, if that makes sense?

Accept a gift in the spirit in which it was given or don't, but don't flog it for cash - yuck.

He's trying to buy some family to make up for the fact that he couldn't be arsed to be kind to them in the first place. That's the spirit it was given. What does he care what she does with it?

Hi Lisa - what a lovely, generous response you have made to some pretty harsh (including mine( comments. I think you have made a really good decision which you will find easier to live with.

I saw my grandmother just before she died - it was the first time I had seen her in eight years and I didn't get on with her. I am very glad I went to hold her hand very briefly, and later to her funeral. Whatever I felt about her, her grandchildren meant something to her. She actually died minutes after I arrived (I was the only family member who hadn't visited at that point). It made me realise that people have different ways of expressing love and connection.

My father died five years ago. I am very very glad that I spent time with him before he died difficult though it was - I would never have imagine that the world would feel so different without him.

I would see your grandfather and allow him to say whatever he wants to say. He cannot make up for the past but it is possible, just possible, that he has something to say that will shift your understanding of what happened.