Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fumming at my aunt and univite her to our wedding?

66 replies

dezfree · 01/01/2012 23:27

We are getting very close to our wedding and so are in the final flurry of getting things sorted. Soon to be DH is 3rd gen british pakistani and our wedding is a mix of culturals.
I am having 2 hen dos. One with sisters (mine and his) and a few close friends - spa then a bar thing 2 weeks before wedding.
2nd one is my henna party a day before wedding. So sisters, close friends, mums, nana's, aunts, neices and female cousins (ones we are close to at least) all coming .

My uncle's wife has always been an odd one and can blow hot and cold and can basically be an all around moody cow (and has been for about 20 years)
But I did invite her to the henna party - out of politeness I suppose. She accepted.

She emailed me to ask about what would happen - i just said food and chat and stuff and then the henna.
She asked if everyone has to partake in having henna down
I said that no but if people wanted to then they were welcome to (my neices for example really want to have some on their hands)

She finally messaged back saying - good, she wont be having any henna on her. Then ends in saying - as it doesn't correspond with her faith (we are coptic christians - most of us dont practice, she does)

I said that is okay. And if it made her uncomfortable she shouldn't feel any obligation to come to it.

Her reply - she would come as she will feel uncomfortable at the actual wedding. As our actions in getting married are sinful but she will come for the family. Then she ended her email with -' best wishes and i pray that you listen to christ and save yourself from a marriage that will lead you down the devils path'

To be DH is fumming - his family don't care about my family's religion and I thought all of my family had no problem with his family's religion either.

Why would I want someone who says that at our wedding?
I dont want to cause a 'thing' in our family but equally....

AIBU to say if you feel like that then don't come and actually me and DP dont want you there given your view?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/01/2012 01:05

(Btw, I didn't mean you are being a doormat, only that there's no need to feel you ought to have her there. Too late for me to be posting coherently, sorry!)

Iheartpasties · 02/01/2012 01:23

univite her, you want your day to be special and full of love and friendly people not utter asses

not be unreasonable

iscream · 02/01/2012 01:23

How rude! She has insulted you. I would probably call her up and tell her you understand that she was only coming to be polite, but since good manners obviously are no longer a concern, to stay home. Tell her that you have never been so offended in your life, and she is no longer welcome.

Throw in at the end that you will pray for her. Grin
Write down some replies you could possibly use in the conversation and keep it by the phone in case you need notes.
Good luck, and best wishes.

NorksAreMessy · 02/01/2012 05:40

Well I am going to swim against the tide here.

A lot of prejudice and bigotry is founded in ignorance. If she came to the wedding, met your DH-to-be's family and experienced some of the customs, she might end up ot being so afraid or ignorant.
It would be very difficult for her to be rude to all the aunties, cousins and friends all at once.

What she said is very very wrong and rude, but this might just be a chance to change her attitude.

xyfactor · 02/01/2012 05:47

I'm a 40th generation French/Saxon immigrant and my cultural differences with the English have never got in the way of my marriage.

But seriously.

Bigots tend to be religious.

TroublesomeEx · 02/01/2012 06:40

Norks Whilst I'd normally agree with you and can see the merit of what you are saying, at the same time, I'm not sure that the OP should be using her wedding day to educate the ignorant!

IME, people who are prepared to be that rude to your face don't find it particularly difficult to be rude to a whole lot of people for whom they have absolutely no respect or regard Sad. In fact, they sometimes relish the audience and the wide reach of their comments.

Not only that, but OP, if she does come, you'll have to spend the whole day looking at the woman knowing exactly what she thinks about you and your DH. She'd be there at the ceremony, there at the speeches; at the times at which you are laid very much emotionally bare I think you should only be surrounded by the people who you know care about and respect you. It's a privilege to share someone's wedding day with them, not a right you can trample all over.

Uninviting is difficult and shouldn't be done lightly, but on this occasion I think I would do it. At least you have hard evidence of her attitude towards you and your future DH to avoid any unpleasantness. OP, you might find there are members of your family who are prepared to turn a blind eye to, or are in denial regarding, your aunt. You might find that you have put yourself into the limelight and that your family will excuse/ignore/forgive your aunts behaviour but as long as you and DH are happy with your decision you should stand by it.

FellatioNelson · 02/01/2012 07:01

Yes, completely agree with everyone else - tell her categorically that she won't be going, but do it in a passive agressive way that makes it sound like you are doing her a favour by recognising her feelings. If she comes back saying 'oh no, it's fine, I'll suffer it for your sake' then say 'No, I couldn't hear of it now I know how you feel. It would be completely hypocritical wouldn't it? It is not fair on you and it CERTAINLY is not fair on everyone else.'

ThompsonTwins · 02/01/2012 07:07

I would tell her that I would not dream of expecting her to come to an event that she considers abhorrent. I would also tell her that her faith does not require her to say such things to you and that you thought the Christian faith preached tolerance, then uninvite her. Hope you have a fab time at both hen nights and on the day itself.

runningwilde · 02/01/2012 07:12

Please don't have this poisonus cow at your beautiful wedding. She has made het feelings clear so make yours clear - she is NOT welcome. It would ruin your day to see her nasty face there after what she has said.

Oh and don't forget to key people know exactly why you have uninvited her and circulate her bile too so people know exactly what sort of idiot she is.

Gonzo33 · 02/01/2012 07:46

Actually I am with Norks on this to a degree, but I would call her first and tell her that you would dearly love her to come keeping fingers crossed she won't, as long as she keeps her opinions to herself, because you would like to dispell the myth that your htb's religion (yours as well?) will lead you down the devils path. I would also tell her that if she feels she cannot contain herself then she will not be welcome to your wedding, or in your life anymore. I would then also back that up in an email to her in reply to her email to you, and contact any family members that she will run her mouth off to if you are worried it will affect your relationship with them.

Hopefully she won't go to your wedding, but if she does and starts wounding off you can tell her to leave because you have given her a warning. What an ignorant woman she must be.

Whatever you decide it will be right for you OP.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

Gonzo33 · 02/01/2012 07:47

*sounding - not wounding

TandB · 02/01/2012 08:27

I wouldn't be messing around here - I would simply email/call her and tell her bluntly that she has been deeply offensive and unpleasant and is therefore no longer welcome at your wedding.

Make it entirely clear that the invitation is being withdrawn - not that you are pandering to her prejudices.

Awayinamangercooper · 02/01/2012 08:46

I think she has already uninvited herself, she has behaved in a way that clearly demonstrates she does not wish to be a part of your happy day. All you would be doing is accepting her repudiation.

SantasENormaSnob · 02/01/2012 09:48

Uninvite the bitch.

PopcornMouse · 02/01/2012 09:51

Omg. Uninvite her! You don't want her spouting that sort of thing at the wedding Shock

pigletmania · 02/01/2012 09:59

Just tell her, well then in that case don't come.

Besom · 02/01/2012 10:11

I agree with those who've said don't mess about. Just e-mail her back saying given her views on your marriage, you don't want her to attend. Keep it simple - you are perfectly justified in uninviting her as she has been incredibly rude and you can't risk her insulting other guests.

BlatherskitesInFairyLights · 02/01/2012 10:12

Uninvite her. She obviously doesn't want to be there anyway.

There's nothing quite as evil as the religious is there.

Annpan88 · 02/01/2012 10:20

She is very ignorant for thinking as she does and believing it is appropriate to tell you these things. I wouldn't want her at my wedding. I hope it goes well for you!

edam · 02/01/2012 10:23

definitely take back the invite - I like the advice about an apparently good-natured phone call where you say you quite understand why she can't come.

dh's cousins are Jehovah's Witnesses and refused to come to our wedding, but sent us a very polite letter about it and bought presents anyway, which I thought was quite nice (and allowed us to invite more friends, so wins all round).

AnyoneforTurps · 02/01/2012 10:25

When I saw the thread title, I admit I thought "bridezilla". Having read the OP, YAtotallyNBU. If she disapproves of the wedding, she shouldn't have had the hypocrisy to accept the invitation. You are totally justified in un-inviting her.

natation · 02/01/2012 10:37

Norks has given you some very wise advice there. It is easy to react now against your aunt's ignorance, but think about the consequences in years to come. I'd voice my my unhappiness to the aunt but leave the choice to come or not to her - if she doesn't come, well that's her problem and she has to live with the consequences, is she does, well you might just get an apology or at least know that your attitude was a Christian one and hers in fact goes against her Christianity! You could also remind your aunt that Christians and Muslims worship the same God and the teachings of Jesus are the foundations of one religion and a good part of the other too. Why do people have to see differences in life and be nasty to each other instead of seeing what they have in common?

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 02/01/2012 11:00

To steal a phrase from a far funnier MNetter, tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck. But make it clear why you're telling her that; e.g. that she's being a hateful bigot.

As for a chance to challenge her prejudices and change her mind, well, I think if you explain that her attitude is hateful and hurtful and ignorant and that's why she's not welcome at your wedding, if she has a shred of decency or self-awareness she might just think about looking into her attitude herself. It's not your responsibility to sort her out, especially not around your wedding.

Scholes34 · 02/01/2012 11:10

Emsyj was spot on at the beginning of this thread. Speak to her and make it obvious that her comments indicate she has uninvited herself, that you wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable and that there are plenty of other family members who will be there to represent the family.

There were similar issues for Usha when she married Alan the vicar in the Archers.

JustHecate · 02/01/2012 11:14

Oh yes, I'd uninvite her.

And I'd be forwarding a copy of her vile email to the whole family and saying this is why she is no longer coming.

I'd be furious. Bugger trying to educate her. bugger being the better person. bugger not involving anyone else. bugger not stooping to her level.

I'd tell everyone.