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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fumming at my aunt and univite her to our wedding?

66 replies

dezfree · 01/01/2012 23:27

We are getting very close to our wedding and so are in the final flurry of getting things sorted. Soon to be DH is 3rd gen british pakistani and our wedding is a mix of culturals.
I am having 2 hen dos. One with sisters (mine and his) and a few close friends - spa then a bar thing 2 weeks before wedding.
2nd one is my henna party a day before wedding. So sisters, close friends, mums, nana's, aunts, neices and female cousins (ones we are close to at least) all coming .

My uncle's wife has always been an odd one and can blow hot and cold and can basically be an all around moody cow (and has been for about 20 years)
But I did invite her to the henna party - out of politeness I suppose. She accepted.

She emailed me to ask about what would happen - i just said food and chat and stuff and then the henna.
She asked if everyone has to partake in having henna down
I said that no but if people wanted to then they were welcome to (my neices for example really want to have some on their hands)

She finally messaged back saying - good, she wont be having any henna on her. Then ends in saying - as it doesn't correspond with her faith (we are coptic christians - most of us dont practice, she does)

I said that is okay. And if it made her uncomfortable she shouldn't feel any obligation to come to it.

Her reply - she would come as she will feel uncomfortable at the actual wedding. As our actions in getting married are sinful but she will come for the family. Then she ended her email with -' best wishes and i pray that you listen to christ and save yourself from a marriage that will lead you down the devils path'

To be DH is fumming - his family don't care about my family's religion and I thought all of my family had no problem with his family's religion either.

Why would I want someone who says that at our wedding?
I dont want to cause a 'thing' in our family but equally....

AIBU to say if you feel like that then don't come and actually me and DP dont want you there given your view?

OP posts:
emsyj · 01/01/2012 23:29

Ring her up. Tell her that you are not the sort of people that she could afford to be associated with and that you completely understand that she couldn't possibly attend the wedding. Then say, 'Good day to you' and never speak to or see her again.

To2012AndBeyondTheLimits · 01/01/2012 23:31

YANBU, I'd uninvite her!!! Shock

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 01/01/2012 23:34

I'm with emsy - just tell her that you quite understand and wouldn't dream of asking her to go against her conscience and that you will understand why she won't be there. If she starts to splutter and protest just remain sweetly politely stubborn and insist that it is ok, you understand and there's no need for her to compromise her principles/beliefs and she needn't come. Then if she has the gall to turn up, look her straight in the eye and ask what she is doing there since you are doomed to hell? (Just how much gall does she have? how far is she likely to go - will she turn up? just work yourself up into a fury and take out all your wedding frustrations and nerves and need for a good "Blow" on her and tell her to go fuck herself sideways Grin )

kitbit · 01/01/2012 23:35

Yep I'd ring as well and say you're really sorry she feels that way but you understand completely that she feels she can't come and won't it be a shame she won't be there.

Actually the mood I'm in today, give me her phone nber, I'll ring her. :o

kitbit · 01/01/2012 23:35

Ha! X-posts with Pom :o

FairhairedandFrustrated · 01/01/2012 23:36

emsyj...... I wish there was a 'like' button..........

FringeEvent · 01/01/2012 23:37

She'd be immediately crossed off my guest list after that email - what a nerve.

AngusOg · 01/01/2012 23:52

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but it is best this has surfaced before the wedding ceremonies - would you want that attitude from a guest at your wedding?

Tell her to get lost, there is no room for a bigot at your multi-cultural, multi-faith wedding, she is no longer welcome. Yes, I would be that direct about it, who the blazes does she think she is? If this is her now, what bilious poison will she spew when you have your first child? Get rid now.

Enjoy your wedding; and your married lives, minus this antidiluvian boor.

AngusOg · 01/01/2012 23:55

Oops Xmas Blush antediluvian

So Xmas Angry at your aunt, the fingers went faster than the brain. The wine helped too!

SantieMaggie · 02/01/2012 00:00

agree with everyone else - how dare she say that to you? can you trust her not to say these things at hen do or wedding? i don't think you can and i agree you should tell her to fuck off.

not sure exactly whats involved in being a coptic christian but its not very christian to speak to you like that imo.

loopsylou · 02/01/2012 00:03

I'd uninvite her. If that's what she's like online what might she do in a room full of "sinners" Hmm BTW what religion is your fiance? x

lisad123 · 02/01/2012 00:03

Well she sounds delightful Confused
I would do as others suggest, tell he you can't possibility ask her to go against her faith Wink

CuriousMama · 02/01/2012 00:10

Shock Definitely uninvite her at the very least! What does your uncle say?

Oh don't get me started on so called Christians. Don't get me wrong I love a lot of them but when I changed religion (Spiritualist) one came to my house, drank my tea ate my cake and told me she'd love to burn down our church! I won't lie, I told her to promptly fuck off amongst other things.

lisad123 · 02/01/2012 00:15

Well that not very Christian then, setting fires and harming others is not a Christian thing!!

fuzzywuzzy · 02/01/2012 00:17

What does henna have to do with any faith, it's a cultural beautification method, people in Africa, the middle east and Asia use it as such regardless of their faith.

She's doolally.

slavetofilofax · 02/01/2012 00:18

I am usually very against uninviting people to weddings, I opened the thread thinking yabu to uninvite.

I would make an exception for your aunt though. I really would let it be known that she is no longer welcome at your wedding. You will regret it if you don't when you look back at your day. Trust me on this, it is not worth having someone there on your wedding day that isn't fully supportive of your relationship. You would still have a wonderful day, but knowing that there is someone there thinking the thoughts that your Aunt is capable of will make it feel slightly tainted somehow.

AngusOg · 02/01/2012 00:25

Well that not very Christian then, setting fires and harming others is not a Christian thing!!

Haha! Know any history of this faith?

Jux · 02/01/2012 00:26

Can you tell whichever parent she's the sister of and then they could ring her and give her a bollocking; better the uninvite comes from one of them, less likely to cause family rift.

ZXEightyMum · 02/01/2012 00:27

AngusOg Grin

Jux · 02/01/2012 00:29

And if neither parent will do it for you then I'd tell her that all the people at the henna do are Satanists and you think she'd better not come.

What a shame she can't do the wedding either as you don't want someone there who thinks like that. Be blunt.

whethergirl · 02/01/2012 00:50

I think YABU to be so apparently good natured about this, I would have told her to fuck off with the henna/faith comment.

Uninvite her and hopefully that will also ensure you'll never get to see her again. You (and DH to be) do not need people like this in your life. She has insulted you and your dp, and your loyalty should be to dp and not some rascist bigot.

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/01/2012 00:55

I think it would be best to talk to your uncle (as she is essentially his+1). Tell him that in light of her recent correspondence, you would prefer if she did not attend your wedding as you do not want any ill-feeling on your happy day.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 02/01/2012 01:04

I was sure I'd be telling you not to be so silly... she's your Aunt yadda yadda yadda However, given what she said, I would be telling her clearly that she was no longer welcome to attend your wedding. End of. It could cause all the ructions in the world and I wouldn't have her and her evil tongue there.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/01/2012 01:04

Uninvite her. I don't care for the whole 'it's the bride's big day' crap, but that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. She doesn't want to be there (obviously); you don't want her there - so tell her sorry, no, she's not wanted.

If she had any manners or genuine, compassionate conviction, she'd have said something much sooner.

randommoment · 02/01/2012 01:04

As a committed C of E Christian I blush for what some of the bonkers end of our faith say. But then I'm sure a great many ordinary Muslims and Jews feel the same way about their bigoted idiots. What she said is offensive to all of us. Do what feels right to you.