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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let dd have a sleepover with a 13 year old boy?

61 replies

Memoo · 01/01/2012 19:35

dd has been friends with L since they started together in nursery. They are also both friend with 2 other girls. L mum has always believed from him being a very young age that he is gay. This is not a problem at all and now aged 13 it certainly seems that he is.

I'm telling you all this so as not to drip feed

My Dd is 13 in a few weeks and has asked if L can sleep over. I have no problem with this at all. There is no way L see my dd as anything other than a friend and he is only interested in boys. There is no way I would let another 13 yo boy spend the night in dd's room.

My mother, however. Thinks allowing them to stay in the same room is really really wrong, and has spent the whole of Christmas going on about this.

She doesn't accept that a teenager can be gay and is very much of the opinion that being gay is "learnt" which I think is bollocks.

Soooo, what do I let the sleepover go ahead?

OP posts:
Original poster
Memoo · 01/01/2012 19:37

Sorry for appalling grammar!

OP posts:
LalasMama · 01/01/2012 19:39

I had a gay best friend growing up and we stayed over each others houses from age 12 maybe younger :) done us no harm

runningwilde · 01/01/2012 19:42

In this case yes, it seems reasonable to allow the sleepover if you are absoloutely sure that there will be no funny business

Original poster
Memoo · 01/01/2012 19:43

That's lovely Lala :)

OP posts:
thepeoplesprincess · 01/01/2012 19:43

I don't think his sexuality is relevant so long as he isn't interested in actively exploring it with your dd. Which he isn't, so YANBU.

Original poster
Memoo · 01/01/2012 19:44

I've known L since he was 3 and there is no chance on this earth he'd try anything. They'll probably do each others nails and make up and watch DVDs.

OP posts:
RosemaryandThyme · 01/01/2012 19:46

Why do they have to sleep in the same room ?
Pop visitor on the couch no ?

Heleninahandcart · 01/01/2012 19:48

There is so much wrong with this. The facts are this is your DD's good friend and he is gay. Your mother is expressing an opinion that shows her ignorance and is wrong. Why would you even consider acting on what she (wrongly) thinks?

ragingmull · 01/01/2012 19:48

Sounds fine to me.

kerrymumbles · 01/01/2012 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/01/2012 19:51

I wouldn't because lots of gay and bi sexual teens experiment with the sex they're not attracted to (as do as many hetties) and because being incredibly close may mean there are less barriers and a lot more trust.

I would with the kid on the couch or up til very late with a close eye being kept in general and then visitor popped into another bedroom.

herbietea · 01/01/2012 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Memoo · 01/01/2012 19:53

He never needed to come out. We all just knew anyway.

OP posts:
BandOMothers · 01/01/2012 19:53

I wouldn't either...13 is a baby still and his sexuality is still forming...as is your DDs. I have had many friends of various seual persuasions over the years and some are interchangeable....they may experiment!

Original poster
Memoo · 01/01/2012 19:56

So sexuality aside, is it possible for two teenagers of the opposite sex to have a purely platonic friendship?

Dd is really sensible too. There is no way she would sleep with him or anyone else.

OP posts:
ProfessorSunny · 01/01/2012 19:57

In all honesty, if he does sleep on the couch, will you really hear him if he goes to DD's room in night, or she goes down to the lounge?
However hard it is, you are going to have to trust them both not to do anything you wouldn't want them to do or don't allow him to sleepover. Good luck making a decision, rather you than me!

Original poster
Memoo · 01/01/2012 19:57

Hmmm maybe I'll put the baby monitor in the room.

OP posts:
ProfessorSunny · 01/01/2012 19:57

Memoo, I think it's possible, yes.

Original poster
Memoo · 01/01/2012 19:58

You know it really does get harder as they get older!

OP posts:
Original poster
Memoo · 01/01/2012 19:59

Tbh I think L knows that if he touched my dd I'd beat him round the head with a heavy object!

OP posts:
Feminine · 01/01/2012 20:00

Teenagers are really sensible until they are not

thats the way they learn.

In this case I wouldn't worry though.

confusedpixie · 01/01/2012 20:00

Not that I'm a parent, but remembering what I was like as a teen (very experimental both with the female and male friends) I'd say no to staying in the same room on principle, especially as she may say in the future "Well you let L stay in my room so why can x boy not?"

Maybe use it as an opportunity to set boundaries such as an open door policy and he comes out to stay on the sofa when they're ready for bed?

Don't stop him staying over though, as I also remember my best sleepovers being with my best friend (a guy) in my teens :)

Elijah · 01/01/2012 20:00

When that libido kicks in, doesn't really matter what sexuality they are, the desire of id to be satisfied shouldn't be underestimated.
Though I'd be more concerned if they were older, say 14/15, as they will be more sexually active. But if they have been friends for years as you say and your daughter is happy about it then i guess its ok.
By the way, who's idea for the sleep over was it, his or hers?

RosemaryandThyme · 01/01/2012 20:01

It's not about platonic friendship, I think it is about deciding if a child is a child (ie innocent of sex) or if they are an adult.
To be hesitating at all makes me think they are adult in their knowledge of reproduction and therefore deserve to be treated as adults in this respect, if I had an adult sleep over I would give them a bed/couch whatever to themself.

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 01/01/2012 20:01

How would you feel if L was female...i.e. a friend youve known from the age of three who is female and clearly sexually orientated towards girls?

There is always the possibility that teenagers will explore their sexuality with a friend - I suppose what I am trying (poorly) to say is that her gay best (male) friend is on an equal par with a straight female friend, in terms of there being something to be concerned about.