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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let dd have a sleepover with a 13 year old boy?

61 replies

Memoo · 01/01/2012 19:35

dd has been friends with L since they started together in nursery. They are also both friend with 2 other girls. L mum has always believed from him being a very young age that he is gay. This is not a problem at all and now aged 13 it certainly seems that he is.

I'm telling you all this so as not to drip feed

My Dd is 13 in a few weeks and has asked if L can sleep over. I have no problem with this at all. There is no way L see my dd as anything other than a friend and he is only interested in boys. There is no way I would let another 13 yo boy spend the night in dd's room.

My mother, however. Thinks allowing them to stay in the same room is really really wrong, and has spent the whole of Christmas going on about this.

She doesn't accept that a teenager can be gay and is very much of the opinion that being gay is "learnt" which I think is bollocks.

Soooo, what do I let the sleepover go ahead?

OP posts:

confusedpixie · 01/01/2012 20:02

"is it possible for two teenagers of the opposite sex to have a purely platonic friendship?"

Yes, but still keep the limits just in case! :o

dexter73 · 01/01/2012 20:02

I would let him sleepover but not in the same room.

whatstheetiquette · 01/01/2012 20:02

I wouldn't allow them to sleep in the same room.

I have a friend (male) who is gay and we have been friends for a long time. When we were at university (he had been out from the start and we were both about 19), he propositioned me. He said that sleeping with a woman was one of life's experiences and would I like to, just as friends. Years and years later, he is happily settled down (with a man - he always was gay and that never changed). But they could still experiment. Take 2 girls of your DD's age - it is common for them to practise kissing on eachother. So if your DD sees him as another girlfriend, they could easily do that, and more.

Shakirasma · 01/01/2012 20:02

Of course it's possible, I had loads of male mates as a teenager.

Agree with others who say gay or not he may experiment for a while, but really, most 13 years olds are not sexually active. Whilst some are a little forward, most are still too nervous to even have a proper kiss!

BandOMothers · 01/01/2012 20:03

Elijah tbh I think 13 is the new 15/16...they're active far younger today.

What about if he stays but on the floor....and then you can set your alarm clock to go off every 5 minutes and bang the door open shouting "I'll slit yer froats!" in the manner of a pirate mother....

[watching Treasure Island}

BluddyMoFo · 01/01/2012 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatstheetiquette · 01/01/2012 20:03

when i said "but they coudl still experiment", i was referring to your DD & friend, not my settled down friend!

Feminine · 01/01/2012 20:03

Plus 13 is still very young.

Despite what I read here, not all 13 year olds are at it , or wanting to.

op maybe the boys Mum doesn't want your DD messing with her son. I get so fed up hearing about how parents of girls, need to do some damage to the boy. however light hearted...at 13, its normally the females in charge anyway!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/01/2012 20:04

let him stay, but not in same room

LaurieFairyCake · 01/01/2012 20:04

Yes, equal par with any friend who has hormones and wants to experiment.

Apart from the spunk and pregnancy issue of course

I imagine most mnetters would be fine with the experimentation but not when it comes to the pregnancy aspect.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/01/2012 20:05

actually, how far away does he live ?

this sleepover things bugs me, when you live in the same town

I mean, it's just pointless innit

go home to your own room, your own bed

if you say he lives 200 miles away and these mates only see other a few times a year, that is different

FutureNannyOgg · 01/01/2012 20:06

Personally, I would put him in a different room. One of my best friends as a teen was (and still is) gay. He wasn't out at school (he generally overcompensated by being OTT homophobic and calling everyone else gay) but anyone with half an eye for it would have spotted it. He's definitely absolutely very gay (he works as a greeter in gay nightclubs, in drag)
I had my first sexual experience with him. Because teens are curious and they explore whatever experiences present themselves.

BarnMummy · 01/01/2012 20:07

What do L's parents feel about this?

My first inclination is that it would be fine, but I think ground rules need to be agreed by both sets of parents and by L and your DD.

Elijah · 01/01/2012 20:15

Agree with Rosemary. The fact that you are on here means you are in doubt of what to do. Your daughter is starting to go through transition from girl to woman and you are unsure what she is and whether she or he can control and make the right choices in a potential sexual situation.
If in doubt, take the safest option. Let him stay over, but not in the same room.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 01/01/2012 20:18

I'd let him stay over but give him a bed or couch in different room to dd. I think it's a principle thing, setting some boundaries for her for the future. Though one day I'd hope both my dd and ds might have boyfriends/girlfriends and sharing rooms/ beds will I hope be negotiable depending on age/ length and strength of relationship etc.
Of course, when it comes down to it, I may have a lot less say and control in the situation than all this ! But I'm hoping we'll talk ! Aiming for open lines of communication ( Don't laugh ! - we haven't quite hit teens yet )

Original poster

Memoo · 01/01/2012 20:19

He lives 2 streets away :D

Right, after reading your replies I think they can do DVDs, make up etc with the door open but when it comes to going to sleep L can sleep in the spare bed in ds's room.

L's parents are fine with it btw.

OP posts:

singinginthelifeboats · 01/01/2012 20:19

My DD (13) is generally more friendly with boys than girls. She is quite 'girly' (likes pink stuff etc) but on the whole finds boys more straightforward and much more fun. They will still go out and make dens in the woods etc! OK - she's a girly tomboy!

So she has three male friends of roughly the same age and they will all sleepover in the same room - I reckon there's safety in numbers and the room is our living room so I keep an eye as much as I can.

I am aware that this probably can't/won't continue but all parents involved are comfortable and I have had chats with her about being 'appropriate' and she just looks at me as if I have gone mad.......she is soooooo not interested in them in that way and I believe that they feel the same. I trust her. She values them as friends she says and she is not interested in having 'boyfriends' full stop. (She is an attractive child who, on a regular basis, tells me of some poor lad who has plucked up courage to ask her out only to be turned down - politely I have been assured - we have talked about how much courage it must take them!)

OK - I'll just take cover now as people tell me how naive and irresponsible I am!

My point is that it is a very very personal thing and it is what you sense is right for your child.

Incidentally my DS (15) goes off camping with mixed groups of friends - he says that the girls are in one tent and the boys in another......again I have to trust him.

And I am quite a realistic, cynical person who works in a field where teenage/underage sexual experimentation is often an issue i have to deal with! Its just I think I know my children - fool that I am!

So I do think its possible for teenagers of the opposite sex to have platonic relationships

MrsSchadenfreude · 01/01/2012 20:22

As a teen I had sleepovers with a male friend - we had known each other all our lives and had a fantastic platonic friendship, which we still have - as far as his wife is prepared to let us.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/01/2012 20:24

that's a good decision, memoo

although if he lives 2 streets away, why can't he simply go home after a pleasant evening?

olgaga · 01/01/2012 20:25

Well, I wouldn't. Simply because of the possibility of experiementation. Why not set him up on a couch/airbed in a separate room?

ProfessorSunny · 01/01/2012 20:27

Now we're all going to be wondering about letting teen girls share a room! Not quite a serious comment....I mean the consequences are potentially less of an issue aren't they?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/01/2012 20:29

well yes, teenage girls can't get other teenage girls pregnant

squeakytoy · 01/01/2012 20:31

I dont see the need for sleepovers. He lives two minutes away.. why can he not just go home to his own bed at the end of the night.

SmethwickBelle · 01/01/2012 20:34

Kids and teenagers experiment happily, healthily and yes sexually with their friends - different sex or same sex. Obviously with same sex footling about about there isn't a pregnancy risk.

With different sexes there is a pregnancy risk. At 13 I don't think the kids are quite old enough to adequately account for this. Yes it is flipping unlikely anything like that would happen but I think you're right to have them bed down separately.

Moominsarescary · 01/01/2012 20:35

I had a gay best friend at school, although he didn't come out till years later, we stayed in each others rooms all the time

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