Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I do the right thing? Teenagers, sleepovers, probably trivial and LONG sorry

71 replies

changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:17

DDs invited a friend to stay tonight for a sleepover 2 weeks ago.

Kids were all here on Boxing Day and the friend said she couldn't sleepover, her Mum said no.

DD1 had a friend here on Thursday night and we went shopping on Friday. DD1 was then asked to this friends last night, to stay over, and the original plan was for DD to come back today.

But when I was dropping her off yesterday, the mum asked if DD1 could stay tonight - I said yes that was fine.

Before I left, DD1 got a text from the original friend "What time have I to be at yours tomorrow", she replied "I thought you said your Mum said you couldn't come"

"Yes well she changed her mind I can come so what time?"

"Sorry but I've made other plans now because I thought you weren't coming"

DD1 was in tears over it at her friend's yesterday and panicking over what the "first friend" would say/text/how that friend would feel - and she was right, some pretty manipulative/nasty texts were sent last night apparently

I saw the mum and the girl yesterday evening literally walked right past me and spoke to her to say it wasn't done on purpose, but your DD told my two DDs she couldn't come because you said no, maybe there was a misunderstanding but my DD is away at her other friends house.

The friend was in tears, but surely it's not my fault (nor my DDs) that her mother changed her mind basically at the last gasp?

OP posts:
SnapesMistressofMerriment · 31/12/2011 18:20

Not your fault, miscommunication.

Pandemoniaa · 31/12/2011 18:22

No, it isn't yours, nor your DD's fault. It would be totally unreasonable for your DD to have turned down an invitation given that the original plans were scuppered. Perhaps next time the mother in question will realise that the world doesn't stand still while it waits for her to change her mind.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:22

I should explain Blush

The "first friend" does this all the time, and kind of dominates my DD and expects her to fit in with whatever way her plans have changed.

And this time, DD was wanting to be with the other friend, and I was kind of glad to see it. The "first friend" is a nice enough child, but a bit full on and a bit pushy Sad and that's a terrible thing for me to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:24

PS they're 13

The first friend even gets jealous of DD if she has other friends over for a sleepover - the texts she sent on Friday because she wasn't invited shopping were nasty and quite horrible.

(I told DD to ignore them)

OP posts:
SiamoNellaMerda · 31/12/2011 18:25

Some children do this and I don't think you're terrible for saying so - it's a fact of life. Sadly the children they do it to seem unable to break away from them and hold them in some kind of awe. Very strange. But anyway - YANBU and nor is your DD.

Hullygully · 31/12/2011 18:26

kill them

(also have 13 yr old dd)

gottagetanewcalender · 31/12/2011 18:26

Agree not your problem. The mother should have had a good reason to say no in the first place and not given in to being nagged, (which it sounds like she has).

You need to learn that plans have to be made in advance and if you let people down in the first instance then you might do without because of that. You cannot expect people to sit and wait for you to turn up, when it suits you. It is the girl's mother, who is at fault.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:28

DD was actually in tears at the thought of telling this child NO you can't come Sad

Which is why I said I'd speak to her and her mother - but at the end of the day, the mother said no, the child obviously whined and whined, the mother gave in - but my life/DDs life and plans can't be put on hold just in case this other child becomes available

Sad
OP posts:
Xales · 31/12/2011 18:29

You did the right thing.

I hope your DD had a nice time and maybe the other mother will think a little more next time.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 31/12/2011 18:30

What did the mum have to say once you'd confronted her?

alistron1 · 31/12/2011 18:30

agree with hully (have 12, 14 and 15 year old)

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:31

To be brutally honest.

Blush Sad

The child is nice enough in small doses. She doesn't get a lot of positive attention at home she loves the stuff I do with mine like girly days out, baking, swimming, just normal stuff. And we do take her with us quite a lot, because she's quite forward, and I feel bad that she's unhappy at home.

But, she's starting to try to control who DD1 socialises with, who she sees, if we do anything without her it's an issue (like the shopping because we took someone else)

And at the end of the day, she turned down the invitation, DD1 made other plans.

I did feel a bit kind of SUCK IT UP it's not my problem or DDs and now you might know how it feels when you do it to my DD (but I didn't say it)

OP posts:
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:31

The mum said "whatever she can go to x's house tomorrow"

OP posts:
Earlybird · 31/12/2011 18:35

You've told us that this child is quite tricky/controlling and now is becoming domineering.

Does your dd actually enjoy the company of this girl?

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:35

God but teenage girls are hard work. Boys are so much simpler.

Sigh.

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 31/12/2011 18:35

You are right, your dd is right - I hope she's having a really nice time. The other girl cannot expect to reinstate plans at the last minute - the mother probably got invited to a party and needed on tap teencare. I have a 13 year old. I put my foot down about having anyone here tonight and she's happily watching HP and Philosopher's Stone with me.

FWIW I have a 17 year old distraught and in tears because the 16 year old girlfriend's father has forbidden her to see him any more because she has mocks in a week and hasn't done enough revision and they think he's stopping her from studying.

They had the cheek to phone me this morning and tell me before she was forced to tell him. Have got him a couple of beers in and his favourite dinner. He cried in the car this pm. I don't usually swear on here but fuck fuck fuck.

Brilliant NY Eve here - DH is in Northumberland with his aged mother who had an op yesterday!

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:36

Early - not really any more, she did in the beginning, but she's now trying to distance herself (it's tricky, she lives just round the corner)

OP posts:
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:37

Oh fuck Married. Sad your poor DS.

the child is being sent to a relative and I think the parents are indeed going out

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 31/12/2011 18:39

Thanks - am having a tear for him now myself. Bastards.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:40

Oh and hope your MIL is OK

didn't mean to forget about her Blush Wink

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 31/12/2011 18:42

Hope your dd forges a brilliant friendship with the girl she's with tonight. She sounds like she deserves a brilliant time. And yes, MIL's fine, cantankerous as ever - could challenge Roy Cropper's mum in Corrie Grin

TartyMcFalalalalalalalalarty · 31/12/2011 18:43

Yes, sounds like their plans have changed and they need childcare cheeky fuckers Sounds like your DD is moving onto a much more positive friendship. Good on her.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:43

It's things like, if we go out and she wanted to come she will text all afternoon to DD "i wanted to come why couldn't you bring me you want xyz as your friend not me you forget about me when you have your other friends "

And some nastier stuff - the stuff last night even before I left was accusing DD of "dumping" her when she got another offer and saying that the friend DDs with wasn't a real friend and DD needn't come crawling back to her when the friend didn't want to know her.

I have been trying to discourage the friendship for lots of reasons and this has just crystallised it for me and gave me a perfect opportunity to tell the girl and her mother straight out that DD wasn't changing her plans.

The girl had tears in her eyes though Sad and I felt like a bitch Sad

OP posts:
TartyMcFalalalalalalalalarty · 31/12/2011 18:44

married, how nice for your DS that his mum cares so much!

Earlybird · 31/12/2011 18:45

OP, in that case, I'd use this experience as a first step in moving away from the other girl. It is a good lesson to your dd about friendship - what it means to be a friend, how friends treat each other, how you want friends to treat you, etc.

It sounds as if your dd is sensitive, and is unhappy that she may have 'hurt' another person's feelings, or perhaps feels sad that someone is upset with her. The fact that the other family is now giving you the 'cold shoulder' is another sign that perhaps this friendship has run its' course. Doesn't mean you/dd should 'drop' the other girl completely, but perhaps this incident will mark the start of a gradual moving away.