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Original poster

Did I do the right thing? Teenagers, sleepovers, probably trivial and LONG sorry

71 replies

changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:17

DDs invited a friend to stay tonight for a sleepover 2 weeks ago.

Kids were all here on Boxing Day and the friend said she couldn't sleepover, her Mum said no.

DD1 had a friend here on Thursday night and we went shopping on Friday. DD1 was then asked to this friends last night, to stay over, and the original plan was for DD to come back today.

But when I was dropping her off yesterday, the mum asked if DD1 could stay tonight - I said yes that was fine.

Before I left, DD1 got a text from the original friend "What time have I to be at yours tomorrow", she replied "I thought you said your Mum said you couldn't come"

"Yes well she changed her mind I can come so what time?"

"Sorry but I've made other plans now because I thought you weren't coming"

DD1 was in tears over it at her friend's yesterday and panicking over what the "first friend" would say/text/how that friend would feel - and she was right, some pretty manipulative/nasty texts were sent last night apparently

I saw the mum and the girl yesterday evening literally walked right past me and spoke to her to say it wasn't done on purpose, but your DD told my two DDs she couldn't come because you said no, maybe there was a misunderstanding but my DD is away at her other friends house.

The friend was in tears, but surely it's not my fault (nor my DDs) that her mother changed her mind basically at the last gasp?

OP posts:
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 18:46

earlybird - that's what I hope. There's lots of things, mostly small stuff, but when it all adds together there's lots of it that makes me uneasy about the friendship.

DD1 is quite sensitive, and she was actually shaking and in tears about it last night - which says it all really. The thought of telling this child that she wasn't getting her own way had my DD frightened. Sad

OP posts:
SnapesMistressofMerriment · 31/12/2011 19:06

:( Sounds like a difficult situation.

Married why don't you start your own thread about your DS and his GF, maybe some people will be able to suggest some solutions.

marriedinwhite · 31/12/2011 19:34

I dont' think there are solutions - I think it's part of growing up and I don't want to out myself. Sorry to have hijacked just feeling a bit Hmm about other people and their kids at the moment and totally understand where the OP is coming from.

He will grow up, he will meet a girl with much nicer parents one day (not even saying a nicer girl) he will come out of it stronger and happier ultimately. Imagine that father as an IL.

Just sympathising with the OP about other children's challenging parents and support systems.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 19:53

married I totally get where you're coming from. The problem for you is that her dad is blaming your DS rather than his own daughter who has been a lazy mare and not studied. Sucks for your DS Sad

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HattiFattner · 31/12/2011 20:10

my DD (just 15) has a friend who is similarly needy and high maintenance. In the past year, DD has made a really good friend with another lass who is similar intellect/motivation and whose mum and I have very similar views on what is appropriate or not. They have formed a really strong friendship and the other girl has been sidelined somewhat. Oh the drama. The tears. The rending of garments. The sackcloth and ashes. The guilt trips.

DD has finally realised what an albatross the original girl is, and now humours her but doesn't let it effect her friendship with her new BF.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 31/12/2011 20:19

Hatti - that's it exactly. I have very different views to the mum about what is/isn't appropriate, and yes it's all drama, guilt trips.

I'm hoping DD1 will get to the point where your DD is.

and please let it be soon

OP posts:
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 01/01/2012 08:46

Sigh. First friend - who changed her mind - was apparently texting DD1 last night and the texts weren't very nice - DD1 has texted me this morning to say she'll tell me all later.

And another one of the group was being nasty to the friend she's staying with and her friend was in tears - I told DD1 to get her friend to talk to her mum.

Damn teenage girls.

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Dustinthewind · 01/01/2012 08:59

I think you are doing a great job in supporting your daughter, changingnicknameforxmas.
Sometimes they still need an adult with broad shoulders to step between and take some of the flack for them, and to let them know that the choice they made was reasonable and fair.
FWIW frustrated and manipulative people sometimes do cry when they don't get their own way, so I wouldn't feel too much like a bitch at the girl with tears in her eyes. She is being unkind and possessive of your DD, and that's unhealthy. Would you accept a boyfriend doing the same things?

mummytime · 01/01/2012 09:04

BTW this is cyberbullying, something schools around here take very seriously. I'd google cyberbullying and have a chat with your DD about strategies to deal with it.

The problem compared to olden day spats, is as your DD has found she can't get away from it even behind closed doors.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 01/01/2012 09:07

Thanks Dust I'm cross about it all this morning - it's incredibly manipulative.

This child can see our drive from her house and the only way to put it is that she spies on us to see if we are there or not.

As an example, I decide to take my girls out for the day. We haven't left the house 5 minutes until she's texting DD1 "Why have you gone out. You didn't tell me you were going out. Where are you going. When will you be back"

I have now told DD1 to ignore ignore ignore that stuff, but in the beginning she would respond to it with what we were doing, where we were going and when we'd be back.

Then, for example, if DD1 said "we've gone to town for lunch and shopping" "why couldn't I come you should have brought me I wanted to come that's not fair" - all that kind of stuff.

And if DD told her we'd be back at say 3pm, as soon as it was 3pm - "Where are you? Why aren't you back yet? You said you'd be back at 3 you promised where are you that's nasty to tell me you'll be back and not come when you said you would"

Very full on. Very very hard work.

OP posts:
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 01/01/2012 09:08

Mummytime - x-posts. I had thought of speaking to her school, but my DD and her are at different schools which is part of why the girl doesn't fit in with the other friendship group

Oh it's so difficult.

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Bossybritches22 · 01/01/2012 09:11

Bloody hormonal teenagers why are girls so bitchy to each other? I'm sure it is worse now than when I was a teenager as there is the instant "hit & flounce" of mobiles/FB.

Sounds to me like your lovely DD is well off away from the first "friend" & maybe she needs to learn to stand up to her & ignore her nasty texts & only reply to nicer ones or even delete her from her phone. She & the second friend can join forces against the bitchy crowd.

Easy for us to say as adults but I do think sometimes they forget there is an "off" button to these forms of communication if its hurting them.

Bossybritches22 · 01/01/2012 09:16

Just x-posted with your latest.

If the other girls is not at the same school then hopefully a natural separation will occur over this next year,sounds like the nasty one hasn't many friends & is clinging to your DD. Well she'll have to learn to be nice to her new ones won't she?

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 01/01/2012 09:16

If I knew how to block a number on a Blackberry I would block the first friend and then she'd have to balls up and knock the door and face me in the process

OP posts:
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 01/01/2012 09:17

Bossy - I think the natural separation is happening and the first friend is pulling out all the stops to try to keep DD iyswim?

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mummytime · 01/01/2012 09:21

I'd still talk to school, they may decide it might be a good time to roll out the old "Cyberbullying" PSHE. Its amazing how much good stuff can happen with the right PSHE lesson at the right time.

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 01/01/2012 09:24

Perhaps you should take your dds phone round to let the mother see the texts with the suggests that her phone is removed until she is mature enough to use one! My sil is going through similar with her dd but wih Facebook - she printed off a number of messages that some nasty little girl was sending about Dneice being bulimic and all other sorts of nasty things and the mother was thoroughly shocked and removed phone and Internet for a month - and I think there was a written explanation and apology, but these kids don't realise that a text or email can never be forgotten

Hope you DD is ok, at least she has your brilliant support!

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 01/01/2012 09:29

Going to the mother and expecting her to parent her own child will be a waste of time. Another mother has tried wrt the same thing (nasty texts) and she got nowhere.

I was pretty "firm" when I was talking to the girl and her mum the other night - firm in my tone, giving the girl "the look" and I said "you've been texting DD blaming her and being quite horrible and I want to make it clear it is not DDs fault because you told both my DDs the other day that you weren't coming as your Mum said no. DD has not done it on purpose and I would appreciate if you could lay off with the texts"

I said that in front of her mum and my tone and look were pretty firm - and it has made no difference whatsoever

Sigh, teenage girls.

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andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 01/01/2012 09:30

I feel quite sorry for the girl in a way, something has gone wrong in her upbringing for her to persistently act like that.

Nothing you can do about that though, and it's not your responsibility.

I wasn't as nasty to my friends as this girl is, but I was incredibly needy sometimes, when I was at my lowest (depression, self harm etc) - obviously not saying anything so extreme is going on with this girl, but her self esteem must be rock bottom if she is so unashamed of what she's doing.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 01/01/2012 09:32

anda - I think I said that up the thread - I have been "guilty" in the beginning of taking her with us too much (that sounds horrible but you know what I mean) - I felt sorry for her so I took her with us loads to various things, but all that happened was that she expected to come every single time and put massive pressure on DD1 to take her and get me to take her.

OP posts:
Dustinthewind · 01/01/2012 09:37

'I said that in front of her mum and my tone and look were pretty firm - and it has made no difference whatsoever'

Perhaps no difference to the girl or her mother, but a big difference to your daughter. Even if she didn't say anything about it at the time. You are in her corner.

Bossybritches22 · 01/01/2012 09:38

Well good for you for stating your case (&DD's) so firmly to the little madam.

Yes I agree with you it's one of those natural friendship breaks that occur at this age & as they change schools,so hopefully this episode will put a nail in the coffin of that one.

I'm sure if you asked in the Techy section of MN someone could tell you how to block a number,if not someone here, or ring the phone provider?

The nasty girl obviously has some "issues" & probably starts with her mums attitude but that's not your problem.

Hope your DD has had a lovely time with her new BF.Grin

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 01/01/2012 09:44

Thank you all so much - the support and (I'm going to sound soppy) the validation that I've done the right thing is much appreciated. I felt a bit horrible because she's a child but you are all right, the problem comes from her own family.

I said a number of times to her and her mum "DD1 didn't get a better offer and decide to dump you like you said, you had already told DDs that you weren't coming because your mum said no"

I repeated myself and was so firm (for me)

I felt a bit harsh Blush

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Dustinthewind · 01/01/2012 09:47

Not harsh, you are not blaming and being melodramatic, just stating the facts.
My DD is almost 21, I remember the difficulties with friendships in the early teenage years. You sound as if you are handling it well and showing your DD how to cope with a tricky situation.

CheerfulYank · 01/01/2012 09:55

I think you did absolutely the right thing. Good for you.

And married I have had far too much NY wine, but I have to admit I had a little sniffle for your DS. To think of a 17 year old boy emotionally hurt and crying! :(