Did I do the right thing? Teenagers, sleepovers, probably trivial and LONG sorry

[changingnicknameforxmas]

DDs invited a friend to stay tonight for a sleepover 2 weeks ago.

Kids were all here on Boxing Day and the friend said she couldn't sleepover, her Mum said no.

DD1 had a friend here on Thursday night and we went shopping on Friday. DD1 was then asked to this friends last night, to stay over, and the original plan was for DD to come back today.

But when I was dropping her off yesterday, the mum asked if DD1 could stay tonight - I said yes that was fine.

Before I left, DD1 got a text from the original friend "What time have I to be at yours tomorrow", she replied "I thought you said your Mum said you couldn't come"

"Yes well she changed her mind I can come so what time?"

"Sorry but I've made other plans now because I thought you weren't coming"

DD1 was in tears over it at her friend's yesterday and panicking over what the "first friend" would say/text/how that friend would feel - and she was right, some pretty manipulative/nasty texts were sent last night apparently

I saw the mum and the girl yesterday evening literally walked right past me and spoke to her to say it wasn't done on purpose, but your DD told my two DDs she couldn't come because you said no, maybe there was a misunderstanding but my DD is away at her other friends house.

The friend was in tears, but surely it's not my fault (nor my DDs) that her mother changed her mind basically at the last gasp?

I have a 13 year old too and the social situation can be tricky. I would be tempted to get nasty texts forwarded to me so I could show the other parent.

If my daughter was sending nasty texts I would want to know all about it so I could deal with it.

Changing, I think that you have handled this extremely well so far. Sorry you had such a stressful NYE though! If I were in your shoes, I would not invite this girl or take her with you anymore, she sounds like very bad news.
Perhaps get a new phone with a new number that your DD gives out to only very selected friends for the first month or so? Or am I being naive in thinking that phone numbers don't get passed around?

we encouraged the friendship with the like minded friend (A), and got to the point that we could joke about the other ones (B's) neediness. My DD and A once staged a facebook fight just to appease B. A's mum and I discussed, both DD and A were finally, through their shared joke, able to see the ridiculousness of Bs behaviour and start to withdraw.

At some point, your DD will have to stand up to the strange friend. The nasty texts are an ideal trigger for fracturing the friendship, especially if your DD has formed a solid friendship with the other girl. There will be tears and recriminations and guilt aplenty, then there will be apologies and begging. Your DD needs to be strong, and needs to have a really strong friendship with someone else (her new friend) before she can withdraw completely.

It might be an idea to ban the other child from your lives for a period of time, due to her nasty texts. So she may not come over, may not come with you to events and may not text (if you can block her number) or you can ban your DD from texting back.

ANd I'd tell the child. Makes you the bad guy, lets your DD get some space to build new healthy friendships

summers I might do that, but teenagers and their phones.......

What happened the other night was, I was getting stuff out of the boot of the car just after we came home.

Girl and mother walked past and I stepped onto the pavement and said

"Glad I saw you two. I was just going to come and speak to you"

Looked at girl with The Look

"I saw the texts you sent DD1 and you seem to have got hold of the wrong end of the stick somewhere along the line. You've been texting DD and blaming her and saying she was being horrible, I want to make it clear that it is not DDs fault because you told both my DDs the other day that you weren't coming as your Mum said no. DD has not done it on purpose and I would appreciate if you could lay off with the texts. DD1 did not dump you because she got a better offer, and she's not done this to be horrible, what happened was you told her that your mum said no you couldn't come here for a sleepover. DD1 and DD2 told me that before came for the shopping/sleepover day. So when asked DD1 to stay over, she said yes because you had already said you weren't available and had other plans"

And her mum then said "it's not a big deal she can go to x's house"

And I said "Well, I just wanted to clear up any misunderstanding because DD1 didn't dump because she got a better offer, said that you had said no she couldn't come so when DD1 got asked to go to x's house, I said she could because said she couldn't come"

Damn it's so difficult

Sounds like the mum needs to grow up a bit let alone the DD!

You could be right!

I wanted, for lack of a better way to put it, to mark her card, to let the "friend" know that I knew she was sending nasty shite and that I would be keeping a close eye on it.

TBH part of it is my fault, I was too accommodating, too friendly, too quick to let the other girl intrude on our family.

but that was done with the best of intentions, and it's come back to bite DD1 on the arse a bit.

Will be back later

Back when you've blocked her number ?

changing I think you've handled it brilliantly & if you marking her card didn't stop the little cow then blocking her number is going to have to be the next step.

It is difficult for your DD to ignore texts but she must, the nasty one will soon get bored.

I can't blame the 'friend' for wanting to be with your family. You sound like you have fostered an excellent relationship with your DCs. When I was 13 there was no way I would tell my mum the intricate goings-on amongst my friends and I wouldn't have wanted to bring a friend on a day out either.

To be honest, it sounds as if the 'friend' has a rather stroppy mother. Why deny her DD the sleepover if she had nothing planned? It almost sounds as if she had decided it was 'family time' until she had a better offer. Her child sounds very needy and insecure which is sad but fairly predictable given her reaction to your confrontation.

In this situation, I have to second the advice of everyone else and recommend you distance yourself from this child. You cannot fix her bad parenting and it is probably in her best interests that you terminate the friendship because it is triggering her insecurities and making her anxious.

The "first friend" does this all the time,

so whats the big drama then?

Damp - did you read the thread?

The issue is that the expecting my DD to change plans to accommodate happens all the time. The dominating my DD happens all the time.

The new thing is that my DD has a new friend and is spending time with her instead of the other friend. And that my DD is getting chuffed off with the other friend and her dominating ways. And the other friend has started sending nasty texts. And ramping the whole thing up.

13 is really tricky. THey are getting older and more secure in their own personalities and friends sometimes stop 'fitting'. My DD (now 15) had a similar problem at 13, which was affecting her at school as well as at home. Her Head of Year was brilliant and really helped to support her (and me). I had to keep reminding her 'A friend is someone who likes you' as the old friend's behaviour was so hurtful. As it came to a head, a peripheral friend stepped up and stood up for DD. I had always really liked this girl and she is a much better 'match' for DD than the others were. They have gone on to be great friends and it is really beneficial for DD socially and in school. I hope the same happens for your DD. You sound a brilliant mum!

Well I've just sent DD1 up to her room to huff up there. She's been like a bear with a sore head since I collected her, DD2 bought a new computer game for the Wii and they were playing it but DD1 was bossing and being really horrible to DD2 (she's tired though after three nights of sleepovers).

I am, apparently, really unfair and I don't care and she wasn't being horrible to DD2 (said as she flounced out and slammed the door)

I think puppies would be easier

changing I agree give me a puppy any day, they love you no matter what!!

If you stick draught excluder around the inside door frames the door doesn't slam it just "phuts" ....doesn't half take the effect out of flouncing!

PMSL Bossy

I'll be first in the queue at B&Q in the morning

Hi there, just wondered whether your DD is ok and how things have worked out so far, a few days on?

Summers - thanks for asking.

Haven't see the "other friend" since, although I know they've met outside when they have been playing/hanging out/whatever it is they do when they're 13.

I think it's a friendship that has definitely cooled, and DD1 seems to still be really friendly with the "new" friend.

Atmosphere in the house is a lot calmer too, which in itself tells a tale I think.

You did the right thing I know this girl is unhappy at home and for that reason it can be tempting to give in to her being demanding if just to give her a bit of happiness
But neither you nor your DD can take responsibility for her happiness it?s just too much to ask I know I?ve been there.

herbal you're spot on there.

changing so glad it's working out better, the "new" friend sounds a much healthier buddy to have around. Rites of passage & all that!

Sounds good and, although in many ways not a truly satisfying outcome, I think that you did very well by your DD! You might want to ask her in a few weeks (not yet) how she feels about the situation. I find that my similarly-aged DD will talk while I am driving in the car, much more so than when we are at home. Maybe worth a try?