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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt, offended and upset for not being invited to friend's wedding?

75 replies

TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 14:36

I have known my friend for 8 years since we met at a mother and tots group. We hit it off straight away and have remained in contact ever since - not everyday contact, but every now and then we would chat and get together, and we were always able to pick up where we left off.

She had got herself out of a domestic violence situation, and we chatted often and in great depth about that and her subsequent divorce and how horrible and obstructive her ex was being over this. She often used to pop into my workplace for a chat certainly until I left there in Feb and I have seen/spoken with her a couple of times since. We are also Facebook friends, she knows my address and has my email. The last few times I spoke to her, she said a man in her church was interested in her, and the very last time I saw her, she said she was engaged to him.

I spoke to her two weeks ago (probably days before said wedding) and she was in a car, so could not talk she said and we agreed to call later. Then I text her last week inviting her to dinner on New Years Day.

Imagine my absolute shock when I checked out her Facebook page and saw she had been tagged and the photos were of her wedding. I inboxed her and wished her well and expressed my disappointment at me, DH and DS not being there. I was so upset and hurt - I thought we were friends. I can see no reason why she would blank me in this way and we parted on good terms and have always got on really well (or so I thought

So AIBU to be really hurt and upset and crying and to delete her off my Facebook and phone?

OP posts:

Weaselarch · 31/12/2011 16:31

I think I would be hurt too. Not even about the lack of invite, but simply the fact of finding out about it on FB. I think, in all honesty, as a knee jerk reaction I would have deleted her too.

(Would this be a reasonable response? Honestly, I can't say. Oh dear, I don't think I'm going to be much of an asset to the AIBU section, am I? But emotion and reason are not always great bedfellows.)

pigletmania · 31/12/2011 19:08

On one hand I can see your point of view entirely, and I would be a bit miffed if this happened to me, though you do not sound particularly close if you have not seen her in 10 months, and only spoke to her a couple of times in that time. Mabey the wedding was for those who she was in contact on a regular basis, perhaps she does not view you as a close friend as much as you see her. Don't worry about it.

Firawla · 31/12/2011 19:50

OP I think you being a bit petty to delete her. It's understandable if you feel disappointed about not being told or invited for the wedding but the better thing to do is just congratulate, try to put those feelings behind you and just move on but maybe realise maybe she is not as good a friend as what you thought (like some people have said) but no need to take it sooo personally. It could be that most of the people are from the church, or a wedding budget thing as most people have to keep their numbers down a bit, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you or anything so I wouldn't take it so bad

PercyFilth · 31/12/2011 20:02

It seems to me that weddings cause nothing but trouble, and I try to having nothing whatsoever to do with them. I'm always heartily relieved NOT to be invited to them :o

MigratingCoconutsInTheNewYear · 31/12/2011 20:04

I was thinking exactly what originaljamie wrote.

I've known friendships to end after going through really difficult times simply because moving onto better times has put an end to it. Like the people involved cannot deal with the memories that are associated with the friendship.

It may be especially true if she has found support in her faith and has made a fresh start in her life.

that's life I'm afraid, but i can understand how it really hurts you.

namechangerbat · 31/12/2011 20:10

YABU

It's her & her partners wedding. Up to them who they invite.

DeWe · 31/12/2011 20:11

Maybe just because you were there for her over the dv situation she finds it hard to be with you because you remind her.

My dm helped someone escape from dv when I was a toddler, and I remember her coming up to dm about 10 years later when out shopping. She apologised for not contacting and explained that she had found it too hard to maintain contact as she wanted to cut off her old life completely.

Dm was really pleased she'd approached her when she'd seen her though as she had always wondered how she'd got on, but she also undrstood how hard it was for her to come forward.

zest01 · 31/12/2011 20:32

yabu, I had a smallish wedding and could only really invite VERY close friends. Some good friends weren't invited and I felt bad about that so people I had seen only a couple of times in a year df would not have been on the list. If we waited until we could invite all our friends we would never have been able to afford it. Our friends understood that and wished us well. Anyone who had cut me off I guess I would have figured I was better off without them anyway.

Seems a big over reaction

marriedinwhite · 31/12/2011 21:05

I think you have every right to be upset but she confided a lot to you about a past life and what were difficult times for her. She has now moved on and although it is not your fault she may have connected you with the old life and may not want to keep friendships going that remind her of it.

Also, our wedding (long time ago) was limited to 100 so not big but not that small either. By the time we had invited grandparents (there were 5 then)aunts, uncles, (14) cousins, (17) parents, (4), my step parents (2) parents' close friends including god parents, (14) bm + wife, Bridesmaid, ushers + girlfriends, (11) vic and wife, (2) our best friends from when we were little and their partners (20) there really wasn't much space at all for friends other than those who comprised the inner circle and those who were our joint friends at that time took precedence. It was really hard and we had to make it very clear that it was a small wedding.

ThaTiow · 31/12/2011 21:06

One of my best friends had a wedding that I wasn't invited to.....and I've known her for over 22 yrs! Obviously I was a bit gutted when I found out I wasn't invited especially as she was one of my bridesmaids. However instead of ending our relationship or throwing a strop I took a step back and tried to see it from her point of view....a wedding is a personal thing and ultimately it's down to the couple. They should be able to freely decide how they want to celebrate it......even if you do feel gutted about not being there to share their day. I swollowed my selfishness and wished her lots of love and happiness for her day and was genuinely happy that she had her day just the way she wanted (small and intimate). I just felt bad because she spent lots of money and time on my hen and wedding and I couldn't do the same! I guess what I'm trying to say is .....if you really want to be her true friend, you will just be happy for her and support her in whatever way she wants. Sometimes it's not about what you want. Maybe be grateful you didn't have to buy her a present? :)

SauvignonBlanche · 31/12/2011 21:10

Sounds like you may have overreacted.

ElphabaisWicked · 31/12/2011 21:16

I'm afriad you are being over sensitive and YABU. I had a large wedding around 130 for the day and 200 for the evening. I would say that 70-80% of the guests were family. The rest were old family friends who I had grown up with, mine and dh's two best friends and a few other friends who we saw on a regular basis.

merielandmatt · 31/12/2011 21:46

Not being invited doesn't mean that you're not friends! Even a big wedding can be full of family etc. and not necessarily have much space left for all of the people you'd like to have.

I can understand that you're upset to find that she's had a big thing happen in her life and you weren't involved in it but maybe it's the wake-up call your friendship needs to renew it?

She's probably now feeling guilty and upset herself so I'd get back in touch and try and mend the fences quickly. Hope you get it patched up :)

PercyFilth · 01/01/2012 02:23

She's probably now feeling guilty and upset herself

I doubt it. I wouldn't be.

TandB · 01/01/2012 10:49

YANBU to be upset - you can't help how you feel.

But YWBVU to express your disappointment directly to her - there are all sorts of reasons why you might not have been invited - not least because you have only spoken to her a couple of times this year so it sounds like the friendship was winding down.

I would be inclined to send a quick message saying something like "sorry - I didn't mean that to sound as though I was annoyed with you. Really pleased for you and hope to see you soon to hear all about it."

The friendship will either continue or die a natural death, but if it is so upsetting to you, killing it off in such a final way is probably not really what you want.

Proudnscary · 01/01/2012 11:01

OP - it is you who has been rude and hurtful by telling her on Facebook that you are angry and upset at not going to her wedding rather than congratulating her. Seriously, who does that? At the very least you have made yourself look like a loon.

There are dozens of reasons why you might not have been invited (usually numbers/money) as most adults would realise.

SiamoNellaMerda · 01/01/2012 11:33

I agree Proudnscary. Life conducted via text and FB is just one huge cop out. These media are for the small stuff. Real life is for the big stuff.

suburbophobe · 01/01/2012 12:00

I can imagine you are upset, but there could be numerous reasons for her not having invited you.

Have you met her husband? I´m just wondering, if he´s a similar type to her previous one and starting to control who she can have contact with.

She certainly seems to have gotten engaged and married quite fast.....

Why didn´t she phone back after you called her in the car and she said she couldn´t talk? What´s wrong with having a chat in the car? (unless she was driving of course!).

Did she accept your invitation to dinner?

Megatron · 01/01/2012 14:58

I don't think just because you weren't invited to her wedding means the friendship has run it's course at all, it's just changed that's all. There's nothing wrong with that either. No one should ever expect to be invited to a wedding, you were not close enough to her to even know she was getting married.

I think it was a little churlish to delete her and end the relationship because of this but of course, you are entitled to feel and do what you want.

Feminine · 01/01/2012 16:33

Although a while back, I agree with lying

YANBU ... it is totally normal to feel hurt,what she did would feel hurtful

The reasons she did it are her own, she obviously has the right to leave you out. Its not going to sit well with you though, you sound like you were a great friend. :)

Original poster

TooMuchCaffeine · 01/01/2012 17:21

Wow! I have read all the posts. Not about not being invited - but about finding out through FB that the wedding had already taken place. I understand about not being invited as she may well have wanted to keep it to her church friends and close family. I also can see how the church may have influence who came and did not come, since they practically arranged that marriage anyway. It is not being told I am peeved about. I last spoke to her on 11 December quickly and she did not mention a thing!

As for some posters saying I only saw her a couple of times since Feb so we "were not close". I don't know about you guys but I don't see all my friends every single week, not even my close friends. In fact I don't see any of my friends every week, and I only see relatives a couple of times a year. That does not mean we are not friends. When we see each other we greet each other warmly and have a nice long catch up, so I don't see how frequency of seeing each other can equal depth of a friendship. Is there a magic number of times per month to meet up that signifies a friendship or a non friendship then

I admit I overeacted by sending her the FB message which was short and not ranty in anyway and did congratulate her but expressed our disappointment at not being there, then wished them the best for the future. I then deleted her. In the cold light of day I think that whilst it was an over=reaction at the time, that I would still have deleted her when I had calmed down. I do accept I IABABU regarding being upset for not being invited but not about being upset for not being told IYSWIM.

This has really made me look at my friendships and in most of them and in my work, I am the helper - the one people come to with problems. People see me as stable, honest, strong and reliable. I am those things but unfortunately that also means that often people treat me as though I don't have any needs of my own. But I do have needs, cos I am only human after all.

OP posts:

Original poster

TooMuchCaffeine · 01/01/2012 17:23

Sorry should have read it through first that shoudl read "I am still upset, not about not being invited, but about finding out through FB ...."

OP posts:

sofadweller · 01/01/2012 18:27

I agree with others who've said you were there for her when her life was hard,now its better maybe you are a reminder of those times? Perhaps you fell into a counsellor type role - you say that people to you with problems. Beware of being used in this role unless its what YOU want.

In any case, I think not even to bother to tell you about her wedding is odd and rude.
Personally, i would move on.

zest01 · 02/01/2012 11:07

With regards to friendships, I have good friends I only see a few times a year but I make more time than that for my closest friends. My circle of best friends I see at least every month and often more than that as their kids are also friends with my kids. I'm not saying all good friendships should be like that but maybe she has friends she sees more frequently than you - lots of people do.

mommagoestoiceland · 02/01/2012 11:18

i can understand how hurt you would feel about this maybe your not as close as you think you are, i wouldent cut out all ties see how it goes and if you cant get past this move on.

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