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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt, offended and upset for not being invited to friend's wedding?

75 replies

TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 14:36

I have known my friend for 8 years since we met at a mother and tots group. We hit it off straight away and have remained in contact ever since - not everyday contact, but every now and then we would chat and get together, and we were always able to pick up where we left off.

She had got herself out of a domestic violence situation, and we chatted often and in great depth about that and her subsequent divorce and how horrible and obstructive her ex was being over this. She often used to pop into my workplace for a chat certainly until I left there in Feb and I have seen/spoken with her a couple of times since. We are also Facebook friends, she knows my address and has my email. The last few times I spoke to her, she said a man in her church was interested in her, and the very last time I saw her, she said she was engaged to him.

I spoke to her two weeks ago (probably days before said wedding) and she was in a car, so could not talk she said and we agreed to call later. Then I text her last week inviting her to dinner on New Years Day.

Imagine my absolute shock when I checked out her Facebook page and saw she had been tagged and the photos were of her wedding. Shock I inboxed her and wished her well and expressed my disappointment at me, DH and DS not being there. I was so upset and hurt - I thought we were friends. I can see no reason why she would blank me in this way and we parted on good terms and have always got on really well (or so I thought Hmm Confused

So AIBU to be really hurt and upset and crying and to delete her off my Facebook and phone?

OP posts:
rhondajean · 31/12/2011 14:39

Well yes, was it a small wedding?

Hs she ever met your DH and DS?

Mrsrobertduvall · 31/12/2011 14:39

Maybe she had a small private wedding?
You hardly seem bosom buddies .
To be hurt and crying seems very excessive.

rhondajean · 31/12/2011 14:40

Sorry obv she knows your DS. I think you are taking it a bit personally and being childish though. I can get your feeling slighted, but to cut all contact?

MmeLindor. · 31/12/2011 14:40

Depends on the wedding really. If it was not a big affair, she might have just wanted close friends and family there.

It doesn't seem that you had a very close friendship, if you have only spoken to her a few times since she met her future husband.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 14:40

It was a big wedding and she knows DH and DS - has stayed over at our house, come for dinner, visited, come to DS's birthday parties, DH done stuff for her - gave her my TV cos hers was broken, helped her to move stuff that kind of thing. She was like a sister to me.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 31/12/2011 14:41

She sounds like a friend, but not a particularly close one. You dont mention socialising with her, so not sure why you would expect her to invite you and your family to her wedding. Confused, so you do come across a being a bit unreasonable.

HattiFattner · 31/12/2011 14:41

You dont know what kid of wedding she had - it might have been very intimate family and close friends only.

I think YABU - She is not a different person, she just didnt invite you to a do....and there may be many reasons for that.

If you value the friendship you had, then stay friends. If you dont, then dont.

BluddyMoFo · 31/12/2011 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myncichips · 31/12/2011 14:42

Oh dear poor you. I'd be upset too. Probably she had the problem common to a lot of people of trying to afford the wedding and having to limit the number of people but you are still nbu to be upset

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 31/12/2011 14:42

YABU. Her wedding. Maybe she has lots of closer friends or a very small wedding?

squeakytoy · 31/12/2011 14:42

sorry, x-posted there, but it does seem like you viewed it as a much closer friendship than she did..

AnnieLobeseder · 31/12/2011 14:42

Good grief, why do you assume she would have invited you? You aren't even close enough for her to tell you she was getting married. I didn't go to lots of my friends' weddings, because they're usually filled by best friends and family only. No need to get upset by it. If she's a good friend, why would you delete her instead of being happy for her. How is this about you in any way? Just congratulate her and move on!

MmeLindor. · 31/12/2011 14:42

She cannot have been like a sister if you have only seen her a handful of times in the past few months. You have seen her a couple of times since you left work in Feb.

I think you are reading too much into this friendship, sorry.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 14:43

You may think it excessive - but that's how I feel. You don't know me, so please don't judge.

OP posts:
WaltonzAroundTheXmasTree · 31/12/2011 14:43

You've seen or spoken to her twice in RL since February, and you expect an invite to the wedding?

I talk to my postman more often than that! Sorry, but YABU. Go ahead with the New Year dinner and congratulate her wholeheartedly - and then make more of an effort to meet up with her next year if you really value the friendship.

BluddyMoFo · 31/12/2011 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 31/12/2011 14:44

Well at first I was going to say YABU, but after reading your subsequent post, I think YANBU.

You've done the right thing asking her why she didn't invite you. Has she replied?

rhondajean · 31/12/2011 14:45

You asked AIBU. Dont get shirty because we all think you are!

There is a huge difference between like a sister and seen her twice I since February. Which is it?

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 31/12/2011 14:45

you don't want us to judge but you post asking if you are being unreasonable?

squeakytoy · 31/12/2011 14:45

You don't know me, so please don't judge.

This is AIBU... you post for us to give our opinions... Confused

This is going to be an

"AIBU?"

"yes"

"no, I am not"

gordyslovesheep · 31/12/2011 14:45

you asked people to judge though ... am I being unreasonable will tend to do that!

MilitaryWag · 31/12/2011 14:46

Hmmm.... I know when I got married we were working with a really tight budget so I had to be quite brutal about who we invited. Is there any chance this is the case here? The only way you are going to know for sure is to make contact and say that you felt upset you were unaware of her getting married and see how she responds.

crystalglasses · 31/12/2011 14:46

I can understand your being upset that she didn't tell you she was getting married and so you missed the opportunity to congratulate her or send her a card. However she probably doesn't regard you as a very close friend. I wouldn't remove her from your contact but leave her to contact you instead. If she never does, you will know she doesn't value your friendship

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 31/12/2011 14:46

Re-reading it all, OP, it does sound as though you value the friendship more than she does. Whilst YANBU to be upset and let her know you are upset, I think I would read the signals from this friendship and move on.

MmeLindor. · 31/12/2011 14:47

You asked if you were unreasonable. Most think you are. We are not judging.

YANBU to be upset but YABU to think she should have invited you because you read more into the friendship than she did.