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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt, offended and upset for not being invited to friend's wedding?

75 replies

TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 14:36

I have known my friend for 8 years since we met at a mother and tots group. We hit it off straight away and have remained in contact ever since - not everyday contact, but every now and then we would chat and get together, and we were always able to pick up where we left off.

She had got herself out of a domestic violence situation, and we chatted often and in great depth about that and her subsequent divorce and how horrible and obstructive her ex was being over this. She often used to pop into my workplace for a chat certainly until I left there in Feb and I have seen/spoken with her a couple of times since. We are also Facebook friends, she knows my address and has my email. The last few times I spoke to her, she said a man in her church was interested in her, and the very last time I saw her, she said she was engaged to him.

I spoke to her two weeks ago (probably days before said wedding) and she was in a car, so could not talk she said and we agreed to call later. Then I text her last week inviting her to dinner on New Years Day.

Imagine my absolute shock when I checked out her Facebook page and saw she had been tagged and the photos were of her wedding. Shock I inboxed her and wished her well and expressed my disappointment at me, DH and DS not being there. I was so upset and hurt - I thought we were friends. I can see no reason why she would blank me in this way and we parted on good terms and have always got on really well (or so I thought Hmm Confused

So AIBU to be really hurt and upset and crying and to delete her off my Facebook and phone?

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 31/12/2011 14:47

Sorry, that sounded harsher than I intended it to be. I have this problem some of my friends - because I don't have many friends, they tend to mean more to me than I do to them. Sounds like this is what happened here. I know it hurts, but she was getting married to the man she loves, not having a wedding just so she could deliberately exclude you just to upset you. Don't take it personally, just accept that perhaps you're not as close as you thought and adjust how you view the relationship.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 31/12/2011 14:49

YABU.

By your own admission, you've only seen/spoken to her a couple of times in the past 10 months, and obviously her new romance has moved on a pace.

For all you know, it may have been a small wedding attended by close family/friends only or she may simply have not wanted you there because it may have brought back reminders of less happier times in her life - not that you caused the unhappiness but you 'knew' about her troubles, iyswim.

Your friend didn't owe you an invite to her wedding and your reaction to not having been invited is disproportionate. Be happy for her and look to fill any gap you perceive that she may left in your life by making a new friend or strengthening ties with those you already have.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 14:49

Yes we probably viewed the friendship differently. We weren't really in that much contact - especially since she joined that church which just sort of took over everything. However I got the impression that she valued our friendship very highly. I am not religious and I can understand why she may have preferred to keep it to her church family and close family - but I still feel very sad. But as I am writing this I can see things a bit more clearly and tbh if we wer'ent even close enough for her to tell me the date she was getting married, let alone not invite me - our friendship had run its natural course anyway. I think this is tied in to feeling a bit put upon at the moment by friends and family dumping all their stuff on me Sad and treating me as though I don't have any needs.

OP posts:
thepeoplesprincess · 31/12/2011 14:49

I don't think YABU to be upset. It sounds as though she has moved on from needing/wanting your sympathy all the time and hasn't bothered to re-define the friendship.

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 31/12/2011 14:50

Probably most of the guests are churchy people if that's where they met.

elfyrespect · 31/12/2011 14:51

It sounds like you were close. Once.
But actually you've only spoken twice in almost a year.
You can't have spent much (if any) time with her DH then.
Why would you think you'd be invited?

izzywhizzysmincepies · 31/12/2011 14:53

If it was one of those happy clappy jobs 'for better or worse or until Jesus returns' believe me, you were well out of it Grin

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 14:55

Thanks for all your posts - I can see that IABABU now. Our friendship had moved on, I can see that now. I don't regret deleting her - I did wish her well and congratulate her, and would have like to have done that in person even if I couldn;t be at the wedding. My wedding 11 years ago was in a registry office and then we booked out a big table at a restaurant for 20 of our closest friends, and I remember others that had been left out being a bit peeved - we made sure that we invited them all to dinner one by one after the wedding though. So now I know how they must have felt!

OP posts:
runningwilde · 31/12/2011 14:57

I'm sorry to hear you are so upset, fom your last post, it seems that there are a few thugs bothering you with friends at the moment? If you hve only seen her twice since feb then I find it hard to understand how she can be a close friend? If you feel some 'friend's' just take and not give back them maybe you need to look at giving your time to people who deserve it more? Scale back and give your time to more loving, thoughtful friends and time will heal this one. We have all, at one time or another, experienced shitty attitudes from friends. Take comfort in your family and take care x

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 14:57

Izzy whizzy - unfortunately I fear it was and she know I am an atheist - so it goes without saying. I do feel better now.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 31/12/2011 14:57

So did she reply then Toomuchcaffeine?

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 14:58

runningwilde thank you (you've started me off again......) because you are so right ....

OP posts:
runningwilde · 31/12/2011 14:58

Things! Not thugs!

forehead · 31/12/2011 14:59

I disagree with other posters . I think that she should have invited you, particularly as you said that it was a big wedding. The guest were probably people from the church, but notwithstanding this fact, i personally think that she was ou tof order. You dont have to know people well to invite them to your wedding. I didn't know at least a quarter of the guest at my wedding.
She probably does not regard you as a close friend.

musicposy · 31/12/2011 15:01

If she was very involved in a very full on church she may not have had as much choice as you think.

Some churches (particularly if it is a more evangelical church) are very keen that their members keep to their own and are not "yoked with unbelievers" or those outside the church. She may still value your friendship highly, but if her man is entrenched in the church, not have been able to say she wanted people from an outside life.

It happens, believe me. If it was me I'd stick about despite your upset; you don't know the full story.

MmeLindor. · 31/12/2011 15:02

Agree with Running. She (and others) don't deserve such a loyal friend.

Sort out your friends list and work out which ones do you good. Cut off, or at least lessen, contact with those who bring you down.

I did that a few years ago, and realised that the "friends" were not really friends at all, they just liked having someone to moan at.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 15:03

Don't know Hex.... I did not check - I suspect she is out of the country though cos there are no posts on her FB page only photo tags from other people.

OP posts:
newmum953 · 31/12/2011 15:03

You are entitled to your feelings but try not to be too hurt. Sounds like the friendship had tailed off a bit as you only spoke to her a couple of times since feb and hadn't met her DH. Seems a bit strange she didn't mention it but perhaps she was embarrassed about not sending an invite. Is she coming to your New Year's dinner?

hormonalmum · 31/12/2011 15:03

Op, i recently had my eyes opened as to the state of my oldest friendship. I have known my friend since i was 2 and we both now mid 30's. Our lives had gone on different paths but we often emailed, text, rang despite living 300 miles away.we attended each others weddings, made efforts when the other had children etc. I thought we were close. However a recent visit there and snidy comments on facebook has made me realise the friendship had run its course. So yanbu to be upset about the friendship having 'changed in importance' but it is her loss.

Original poster
TooMuchCaffeine · 31/12/2011 15:11

Bloody Facebook has a lot to answer for. You knew where you stood when you could just phone (or not phone) people. SOmetimes it prolongs friendships long after they would otherwise have died off.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 31/12/2011 15:43

Nothing to do with facebook at all!

I have friends on facebook who I went to school with and havent seen since I left school because I moved away. I like seeing what they are doing, and we have occasional chats on status posts..

Friendships dont need to be so black and white. Just because you are no longer as close to someone there is no need to be so abrupt and cut them off like that.

Facebook is not supposed to be just about being friends with people who are constantly in your lives, it is meant to be for keeping a line of communication open with people without the need to feel pressured into regularly talking to them or phoning them.

OriginalJamie · 31/12/2011 15:49

I wonder if in her mind the friendship was associated with a time of her life she'd rather forget. Or course that's hurtful to you, because you helped her when she was going through it........

OriginalJamie · 31/12/2011 15:49

Of course

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2011 16:11

OP... Sometimes it can be the case that when you see a friend through a very difficult time, they want no reminders (or future judgements) of that time. From a domestic violence situation, she seems to have settled down again very quickly - wedding has been and gone and she was only seeing this guy in February? I wonder if she thinks that you'll judge? She's had barely any time on her own as a single person. Confused

Whether she's right or not - it sounds as if you've served your purpose. I would just move on. Delete her from FB if it really bothers you, I would - or just decide that your FB is full of people who aren't really friends in amongst the proper ones. Just know the difference.

Try to put this behind you; she's been very rude and there's no excuse for that. Needless to say, when she's in need again, don't be available.

mrsjay · 31/12/2011 16:17

I think you are taking the a bit too personal seems like you were friends but distant friends well on her side anyway you seemed to be the nice friend who always kept in touch and she was the friend who relied on you when she was in need . Its sad you are so upset by this but she maybe didnt invite every friend she has ,

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