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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be confused why I'm the bad guy? (tmi probably)

53 replies

RedGreenBlue · 29/12/2011 07:01

So, we haven't been biblical with each other for a while. Last night, DW snuggles up in bed, and game on with the kissing and fumbling. Well, until DW is 'done' (iyswim) and then goes to sleep without having touched me. Frustrating, but hey. If she's going to sleep then what can you do.

I wake up at 5am (much earlier than usual). Wide awake. Not thinking about 'it' really, just can't get back to sleep. Play on phone for 1/2 hour, no good, I'm never going back to sleep now - sneak out of bed, have a shower and get dressed. About to head downstairs and DW appears in bathroom for a wee. Get asked what I'm doing, to which I explain I can't sleep. Get huffed at, told "fine, whatever" and DW goes back to bed.

Seriously, what should I have done differently here?

OP posts:

yellowraincoat · 29/12/2011 07:16

Um. I don't know. I don't know what the problem is. Your wife was grumpy at 6AM. Me too.

No idea what it has to do with your unfulfilling biblical studies though.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 29/12/2011 07:20

Erm, you're asking the wrong people - can't even begin to guess at this one! Wait til she wakes up again and ask her - she's the only one who can answer it!

Unless you're in an actively TTC situation and she was hoping you'd "get biblical" this morning when you woke up...

TroublesomeEx · 29/12/2011 07:22

Perhaps she's aware that things weren't mutual last night and it's been playing on her mind that you might have been off for an early morning meeting of sorts.

CailinDana · 29/12/2011 07:29

She sounds like a bit of grumpy mare. You sound like a sweet guy.

Piggles · 29/12/2011 07:31

I am generally a very easy going person. However, catch me pre-6am when I am still sleepy and not suitably caffeinated... well, I'm about as friendly as a hungry T-Rex with toothache - simply because it is too bloody early to think about being civil. Maybe your DW is the same?

But really - ask her if everything is okay. Only she knows why she was a bit huffy with you. It might have simply been because it was so early and she was feeling cranky, it might have been because she felt guilty about not reciprocating the night before, it might have been some completely random rattiness which only she can explain.

Original poster

RedGreenBlue · 29/12/2011 07:37

I didn't fill in all the details in the OP, but the implication from DW this morning was that I was pissed off from last night and was taking it out on DW by not staying in bed. I told DW that wasn't the case but that fell on deaf ears.

Yeah, I'm just venting probably. But i'm reasonably confident it'll get held against me sometime later today that I'm being moody (whether or not I actually am), and it's a bit difficult to see how to get out of that. The childish bit of me thinks "fuck it", may as well be moody and do the crime for which I'm getting hung anyway, but that's, well, childish.

thumbinnapuddingwitch no, not TTC.

Piggles i'll still be told "nothing, fine, whatever" later today. Trying to talk about our sex life is a no-go, DW gets defensive and feels pressured that I'm trying to get her to commit to more somehow (which I try very very hard not to do - to the extent that I just don't ask anymore, wait for her to initiate)

OP posts:

yellowraincoat · 29/12/2011 07:41

Your relationship sounds like hard work.

Original poster

RedGreenBlue · 29/12/2011 07:41

PS on the moody front, previous experience suggests I'll get so frustrated at being labelled moody (without being so), that I'll end up moody and the prophesy will be fulfilled. It's impossible to get out of this one, I've tried before.

(this is previous general accusations of moodiness, not necessarily sex-related)

OP posts:

KissMyShineyRedA · 29/12/2011 07:51

She sounds terribly selfish. You should be the one saying 'fine,whatever!' after she rolled over after she was taken care of

QuietNinjaMincepie · 29/12/2011 07:51

Do everything with a smile today, be impossibly chirpy and chipper. When you've been so happy there's no way she can say you're moody ask her why she's in a grump. She's being all defensive cos she knows it's not fair that she fell asleep so she's trying to make you out to be the bad guy out of guilt. God knows why though, sounds bloody hard work.

QuietNinjaMincepie · 29/12/2011 07:53

In fact don't ask why she's in a grump. Ignore the fact she's in a grump. All day ignore dint ask.

Original poster

RedGreenBlue · 29/12/2011 08:03

KissMyShineyRedA

That's not entirely fair. I think she got carried away with her own sensations (yeah, I'm THAT good...) and once it was over the adrenaline wore off and the post-O knackeredness sent her off to sleep. I wouldn't hold that against her, it happens.

But I know now she'll get defensive about me 'expecting' something back (even if I ask for nothing) and that'll basically psyche her out. That's pretty frustrating (and she's never been one to do something with no return - she just doesn't think about it - and me suggesting it gets us back to the defensive/psyche out bit again. No chance).

But her getting in a grump with me for all this, and implying I got up early to spite her somehow? That's pretty hard to take.

My ultimate ideal would be her (a) not getting the grump on, and (b) surprising me sometime today. That will never ever happen.

More realistically, maybe (a) and "sorry about last night, I'll make up for it next time". That will never happen either.

I wonder what will happen. Not much probably, but anything offered up I'll grab with both hands as it were. I may be dumb, but I'm not a dweeb...

Maybe that's part of the issue. DW doesn't need to bring anything to the table, because she knows (subconsciously) I'll take whatever's going. But I'm not going to cut my cock off to spite my face, as it were.

OP posts:

yellowraincoat · 29/12/2011 08:05

Like I said, your relationship sounds like hard work. All this second guessing and grumpiness and not talking about sex and defensiveness. Have you ever tried just sitting down and talking honestly?

Original poster

RedGreenBlue · 29/12/2011 08:36

yellowraincoat

Yes, see above. I don't hold it against her, you can't "make" someone have sex (not legally, anyway) and I'd far rather have enthusiastic sex occasionally than begrudging sex regularly.

I just want her to want me I suppose, but particularly i don't want her to think I'm using her - or to make out like I am.

OP posts:

littlepie · 29/12/2011 08:49

To an outsider it sounds as though there's much deeper issues here. DH and I have much less sex atm (12mth old DD and I'm 7 mths pregnant). The key is we talk about it and our needs/wants so neither of us is in this situation where one person is left feeling confused and hurt.

Can you talk to DW about this OP?

TroublesomeEx · 29/12/2011 08:52

Just a thought, perhaps she's not sure she's 'doing it right'.

I had a friend a few years ago who could have been your wife describing this from the other perspective. She said she could never tell if he was enjoying it or not. No comments, sounds, nothing and it wasn't always possible to tell if he'd hit the big O. (Yes it was TMI!!!) She did used to avoid it because it because when she did it always just made her feel inadequate that she didn't know whether she was getting it right/he was enjoying it.

I think a frank and honest chat might be in order.

Bossybritches22 · 29/12/2011 08:59

Is she not one for cuddling & affection OP? Sounds to me that this is all about sex & not affection.

How would she react if you just cuddled up to her, reassuring her "it's just a cuddle" & tell her you love her. Keep doing this at intervals & maybe if she feels more cherished (& you too!) she'll be more receptive to mutually satisfying sex.

Bloody frustrating for you, I can see.

AmorYCohetes · 29/12/2011 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzypeach1750 · 29/12/2011 09:08

hmm, not really sure what to say here. with regards to you being 'grumpy' I'd just ignore it and as someone has said, act all happy and full of the joys of spring. But if that will piss her off maybe it's because she feels guilty about falling asleep?

I have a DH who sometimes just wants to, how shall I put this? Erm, 'make me feel nice' and wants nothing in return. Usually he wants to do this when he knows I'm tired or feel a bit off colour and to be honest, while it's lovely of him it makes me feel guilty as sin.

how long have you been together? Do you have DCs? I think a frank discussion about your sex life might be in order?

Teaandcakeplease · 29/12/2011 09:17

Sounds like you can't win. But do try having a frank discussion with her at a good time.

It maybe nothing. Try and be chirpy and to not let any perceived grumpiness on her part get to you. Plan something nice to do today together?

dreamingbohemian · 29/12/2011 09:18

I'm sorry, I'm distracted by the giant elephant in the room.

WHY is your DW not interested in sex?

Also, do you have a history of passive-aggressive behaviour? Because it seems odd that she would assume you would get up early to show you're angry with her, unless it's the kind of thing that you might be likely to do.

Also, everyone is grumpy at 6 am.

Original poster

RedGreenBlue · 29/12/2011 09:32

AmorYCohetes

I think you've made assumptions about us from a few posts. Certainly, I don't never talk to DW and come straight here. But MN is great for advice, giving different perspectives or just telling me I'm being a dick. It has really helped in the past, has again today and probably will in the future.

DW might or might not see this, either is fine. Either would help us discuss it one way or another, which is a good outcome.

OP posts:

ILoveSanta · 29/12/2011 09:45

After my son was born, I had a mirena coil fitted, and in the end I had it removed as it affected my libido enormously. For the time I had it, I only had sex because I felt so guilty about not giving my DH any sex, he was so cross when I finally confessed how I was feeling as he hated the fact that I hadn't really enjoyed or wanted to have sex yet did it anyway.
I don't know why I didn't want to talk to him about it, I guess I just didn't want to admit how I was feeling.
Anyway, then we went through a period of time where my DH would just try all out to snuggle up and show me affection that wasn't linked to anything else, and very occasionally, he would focus all his attention on making me feel nice (tmi sorry) but again, still not leading to anything for him. He said he just wanted me to feel better about myself and about sex, because I was so down on myself for not wanting it. I did used to think he must hate me for not giving back iyswim, and sometimes I was grumpy and defensive because of that.
Eventually, I felt so guilty about never wanting to reciprocate that I went to the GP about it all, which was when I found out that it was a side effect of the coil. Had it out and six months later I was back to normal.
Bloody nightmare period of my life in terms of our relationship though, I am just glad that my DH is understanding, and empathised with how I was feeling.

Is there any possibility that your wife is feeling as I did? Sometimes there are all sorts of things going on under the surface, and it is a difficult subject to talk about, well it certainly was for me and we have always been very open with each other. It's not easy to admit things are not feeling right.

valiumredhead · 29/12/2011 09:55

Have I got this right OP - you have sex, she orgasms and then ignores you and goes to sleep, not even a cuddle? How horrible

MollyTheMole · 29/12/2011 09:58

"been biblical"
"game on"

maybe she hates that you sound like you are straight from the set of a Guy Ritchie film??

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