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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be confused why I'm the bad guy? (tmi probably)

53 replies

RedGreenBlue · 29/12/2011 07:01

So, we haven't been biblical with each other for a while. Last night, DW snuggles up in bed, and game on with the kissing and fumbling. Well, until DW is 'done' (iyswim) and then goes to sleep without having touched me. Frustrating, but hey. If she's going to sleep then what can you do.

I wake up at 5am (much earlier than usual). Wide awake. Not thinking about 'it' really, just can't get back to sleep. Play on phone for 1/2 hour, no good, I'm never going back to sleep now - sneak out of bed, have a shower and get dressed. About to head downstairs and DW appears in bathroom for a wee. Get asked what I'm doing, to which I explain I can't sleep. Get huffed at, told "fine, whatever" and DW goes back to bed.

Seriously, what should I have done differently here?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 29/12/2011 10:04

I have no idea why your wife is pissed off with you but she clearly is. There doesn't seem to be much open communication between you both either.

If it had been me I would have said "I can't be faffed to have sex and I just really want to go to sleep but thanks very much for the orgasm - feel free to jerk off if you can't sleep" or some other such honest stuff.

I think instead what's happened is she's huffy because she can put her orgasmic tendencies away more readily whereas it's harder for you (fnarr-fnarr) to go to sleep once aroused. And she looks down on that maybe Confused or she feels guilty Confused or she thinks your 'punishing' her by being awake as if you're drawing attention to it Confused

Jerk off mate, it will help you sleep. And secondly talk to her - try telling her "I love you, I really enjoyed last night but unfortunately I was horny and sexually frustrated after and it kept me from sleeping. I did not expect you to do anything - I'm just telling you that my horny dick kept me from sleeping well".

abedelia · 29/12/2011 10:43

Is it just me, or does anyone else think his wife sounds monumentally selfish? If it was a bloke just having his way then rolling over and falling asleep, MN would be up in arms. She sounds absolutely horrific.

abedelia · 29/12/2011 10:45

Oh - and 'I'm alright, you just have a wank if you need one, love' - really dismissive and disrespectful! Where does the OP get his share of closeness etc?

seeker · 29/12/2011 11:10

Is it just me or is the op's turn of phrase spectacularly ick?that's not a typo by the way- I meant ick!

thunderboltsandlightning · 29/12/2011 11:29

Maybe she's pissed off because you woke her up at ridiculous o'clock in the morning. But really you know what you'll have to do - ASK HER

Just as a matter of interest, why are you asking another group of women why your wife is upset. Do you think women are all interchangeable or something?

OrmIrian · 29/12/2011 11:41

'Biblical' just makes me think of smoting, and sacrificing of first born and other such stuff. Do you often carry out such practices together?

OrmIrian · 29/12/2011 11:44

Maybe she didn't really want to have sex but you turned the fumbling into 'fumbling' with intent and gave her an orgasm without her really expecting you to? And then she didn't want to feel pressurised into reciprocating? or didn't realise she had to as you started it? I dunno. I am guessing she is feeling a bit uncomfortable about it now.

LeBOF · 29/12/2011 11:46

I think there is something really creepy and very out of order about using a site you know your wife uses to complain about her, detailing sexual stuff, covertly bragging about how great you think you are in bed etc etc. Really really unpleasant.

thunderboltsandlightning · 29/12/2011 11:47

Actually reading more closely, it sounds like she doesn't want to have intercourse with you.]

I can't imagine why. You sound super. :)

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2011 11:47

Hope you sort it op

Maybe speak to her, clear the air early so it doesn't linger on all day!
Good luck!

MollyTheMole · 29/12/2011 11:47

Seeker - totally agree, OP sounds like hes rehearsing for Lock Stock and Smoking Barrel 2 Hmm

OP just a thought, do you speak like that IRL? Its a bit of a turn off, might explain some things?

dreamingbohemian · 29/12/2011 11:51

LeBOF I totally agree.

I'm also surprised people are rushing to judgment that the OP is the aggrieved party when we don't even know what his wife's issues are.

ISayHolmes · 29/12/2011 11:51

She sounds overly self-aware, so she realises she's been unfair and then gets shitty at you because she knows that you might have reason to be a bit put out. She watches you like a hawk for any sign of it and then jumps on you for it and gets defensive. That would drive me bloody mad. I can't stand people telling me how I'm feeling when I'm not actually showing any sign of that mood.

Original poster
RedGreenBlue · 29/12/2011 13:01

For the record, no I don't talk like that IRL...

Interesting how opinion is split down the middle, but mostly to one extreme our the other. It would seem that either I'm a monster, or DW is. I suspect neither is the truth. Though abedelia makes an interesting comment. I did think of writing this as a woman and having a DH. I can imagine the opinions being a bit more one-sided then...

There are some useful nuggets of advice hidden in there somewhere though - thank you to those posters.

OP posts:
WibblyBibble · 29/12/2011 13:08
  1. You guys need to actually have conversations with each other instead of huffing like teenagers. Yes, even about sex.
  2. I think you are being a tiny bit deluded to expect your wife to apologise and say she'll make up later for your lack of orgasm. Probably about 50% of the time when I've had piv sex with men, I've not had an orgasm. 0% of those occasions have been followed by apologies and promises of future orgasm. Your orgasm is your responsibility. This applies to men and women.
  3. Behaviour at 5:30 am is not usually representative of normality.
dreamingbohemian · 29/12/2011 13:09

I just don't think there is enough information here to judge.

You don't seem, so far, able or willing to articulate why your wife is reluctant to have sex. Without knowing her reasoning, it's hard to say whether you are in fact 'the bad guy' or not.

AbbyAbsinthe · 29/12/2011 13:15

Oooh I'm a bit torn with this one.

I do think that the responses would have been different were you the DW writing about the same situation - but I also think that your DW would have a different story to tell - of course she would, she sees it from another POV.

From this snapshot of your life, she seems incredibly selfish, had that been a man that got his and then rolled over and went to sleep, he would've got a slating.

But I also think.... that you disturbed her on purpose this morning and then pretended you hadn't - so that you could make a point and maybe get some sugar Wink Am I right?

Why isn't she interested in sex?

seeker · 29/12/2011 13:18

If you don't talk like that inLDLl then why on earth adopt such an unattractive style on here? For the record- I find it hard to believe that anyone is quite as saintly as you paint yourself. Anybody would be justifiably upset and hurt at being treated like that. So there is obviously more to this than you are telling us.

Original poster
RedGreenBlue · 29/12/2011 13:34

Abby nope, was deliberately quiet!

seeker assuming I'm lying (or being deliberately misleading) isn't hugely productive, not to mention erroneous.

I think this thread has reached critical mass, ie so long that some people jump to conclusions before reading the thread. So I'll leave it here.

Thanks!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 29/12/2011 13:45

Critical mass? It's not even a full page!

I suspect, rather, that you would like to leave it while you have gotten some responses that reinforce your own perception of yourself as having done nothing wrong.

Several of us have asked about why your wife might have some issues but you have ignored this. I suspect, again, because it might threaten the idea that you have done nothing wrong.

Of course I could be wrong. But now that you've buggered off I guess I'll never know pretty sure I'm right though

Original poster
RedGreenBlue · 29/12/2011 13:53

Okay okay, I'll bite for one more dreaming:

I'm taking both sides on board and will try harder on those aspects, the original point was to see if I was way off target in my thoughts. I think I see where I stand, so job done here. Time to go back to RL and stand on my own two chauvinistic, nasty evil feet :-P

OP posts:
extremepie · 29/12/2011 14:12

Red, it does unfortunately seem that, whatever the situation, for some posters on MN you will always be in the wrong because you are male!

Not mentioning anyone specifically, just my observations of MN - I think that you would have got a different response if you had posted as female but props to you for being honest!

I do think its a bit unfair to slate you for just about everything contained in your post - even things that are completely not relevent (such as your language). Would using different words make your question any more or less reasonable?

Sorry, that irritated me - its not the first time that some posters have responded with comments that are unhelpful, rude and not actually answering the question!

On that note, I feel that your DW was being a bit unreasonable but if she is determined to be grumpy about it all day it doesn't sound like there is much you can do to rectify the situation, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't! Does seem like you might need a chat though - good luck :D

dreamingbohemian · 29/12/2011 14:33

Okay, well that clears it up Hmm

Try harder on what aspects? I'm sorry, you're really not clearing things up at all.

As much as you and some other posters may feel that you are being attacked for being male, I assure you that's not why I'm questioning you. (And I get really peeved when people assume you're anti-male just for disagreeing with one!)

I don't agree with those saying your wife is selfish and grumpy because I have no idea what her situation is, what her issues are, there is no context at all. Maybe she is ill or depressed or raising 3 babies with no help from you, who knows? Maybe she gets grumpy with you because she feels that you are passive-aggressive and won't speak about things openly, who knows? You also don't say whether this one-sided biblical experience is the norm, rare, whatever.

All I know is that it's really not that big a deal if once in a while sex is one-sided, and everyone is grumpy at 5.30 am. If you're not going to provide any more context than that, then yes, I think you're probably part of the problem and not some poor wronged man who's done nothing wrong.

I don't hate men, I'm married to a fabulous one btw and our sex life is great.

Now please, go talk to your wife directly and find out what her real problems and concerns are, I honestly think you would not be here if you really knew what was going on.

yellowraincoat · 29/12/2011 14:48

God, I can't believe people think it's selfish to not be desperate to make your partner orgasm after you have. OK, if it's a regular thing, that would be annoying, but here's nothig here to suggest it's anything other than a one off.

You need to talk to your wife. That's all. I couldn't bear to be in a relationship where I didn't know what was on my partner's mind. You don't sound like you know each other at all, and that's quite sad.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/12/2011 14:48

dreamingbohemian

"Now please, go talk to your wife directly"

fairly certain that it was pointed out earlier in the thread that the OP couldn't do this and reasons where given.