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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my friend to leave?

83 replies

partytights · 28/12/2011 21:20

My best friend and I have known each other for seven years. She came out of a relationship and moved 100 miles back home but had nowhere to stay. I offered her my spare room as she said her friend was givibg her money or her first months rent and deposit on a flat and would only be with me a few weeks until she got a job.

That was two months ago. No job and not entitled to JSA as she left her last job voluntarily. She pays nothing yet has internet, food, alcohol etc free here and she gets to eat a takeaway when DP and I have one or a night at the pub where other people or I buy her a few drinks. DP and I have had more arguments since she's been here and he tries to make me see she's a scrounger and only conrributes occasionally to housework and has babysat for 8 hours in 2 months. He wants her gone.

Friend and I argued last night and she stayed with her brother 10 minutes away. Her brother is a single dad to two little girls, is on benefits, has their gambling dad living there and so she says she couldn't stay there.

AIBU to ask her to leave? DP and I don't feel comfortable in our own house anymore. She rarely gets up until mid afternoon and spends the majority of time in her room downloading and on Facebook. She's 25 FGS and I have a DP and two DD's on a small income. I can't afford this. She plans to 'pay off debt' when she gets her JSA, not contribute and instead of asking her brother for money for Christmas she asked (and got) comic books and Skyrim.

I'm fuming. I can't see her on the streets as she's been like a sister to me but I feel like a fucking mug.

OP posts:
EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 28/12/2011 22:46

I think it's 6or8 weeks, not months unless fucking Tories have changed that too

saoirse86 · 28/12/2011 22:48

I'm sure it is 6 months, it definitely used to be...

Original poster
partytights · 28/12/2011 22:53

This is what I don't understand. She'd 'desperate' to be out on her own but wouldn't consider housemates as she 'likes her own space'. Great bzt not realistic. Is she supposed to shack up with whoever will take her until a miracle £17,000 job comes up so she can afford to live entirely self sufficiently? She prides herself on not being naive and having moved out at 16 but seems to have a little concept of what it takes to actually get there.

I'm the mug. I shouldn't allow her to take advantage of me and the little money we survive on as it is. It's so bad that to keep us in 'things' I have to cut back on food shopping to buy my child school boots but it's perfectly fine to eat my food, drink my alcohol, cash in on my bandwith and smoke my tobacco when she, as a social smoker, fancies one?

The more I talk abouf the more angry I get.

OP posts:
saoirse86 · 28/12/2011 22:58

Remember these angry thoughts when she tries to talk you round...

Apparently she can't apply for jsa for "up to" 26 weeks, but may be entitled to income support in the mean time. Anyway, I don't think this is your problem anymore so don't worry about it.

pigletmania · 28/12/2011 23:13

so she wants her cake and eat it!

Original poster
partytights · 28/12/2011 23:16

I've just found out, despite going out last night for her ex's birthday with me and moaning, she's out with him again tonight spending her brother's money in town :o.

Seriously, I am shocked.

OP posts:
Panda1234 · 29/12/2011 10:53

What happened OP? Did you give her her marching orders or are you still stuck with a cuckoo?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2011 11:19

You told her to collect her things today - good. Text or call her again to say that if she doesn't come for them by 3pm you'll be selling the macbook, xbox etc to raise cash for the money she owes you for rent, bills, food etc, and the rest of her crap will be put outside in black bags. That should get her arse into gear. When she comes to get her stuff, keep an eye on her because she'll be pissed off and feel hard done by (although she's not!) and may take something of yours as 'revenge' for you telling her to leave.

Does she have a key and know your burglar alarm code? If so, when she's gone change the locks in case she makes a copy and change your alarm code.

This person is not your friend, she's a user. I bet that once she's gone you'll not hear from her again.

Original poster
partytights · 29/12/2011 12:14

She's not arrived but I'm sticking with this. If she's not here by 3pm I'll start packing up her things for her. She doesn't have a key or access to the house at all, thank God.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 29/12/2011 12:29

OP please be prepared to lose your friend over this. She doesn't sound worth it anyway but it is not worth your marriage or family life.

saoirse86 · 29/12/2011 13:01

Good for you party! she's probably sleeping off the hangover her DB paid for! Wink

Original poster
partytights · 29/12/2011 13:02

I am. It's going to be difficult but I keep thinking that if she was truly my friend the plan would have stuck to what it was and she'd understand. She's always lived with boyfriends in the past and spent only a few months between boyfriends with friends but if I rolled up at her house with her boyfriend and did all of this to her I'm sure she'd think nothing of asking me to leave.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 29/12/2011 13:33

So don't feel bad, you said that she would not reciprocate, what type of friend is that! There are drains and radiators, drains take but do not give, radiators give but do not take, your friend is a drain Grin

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2011 13:36

I love that piglet!

Good luck Party. What are you going to do with her stuff when you've packed it up?

Original poster
partytights · 29/12/2011 13:48

I'm not sure yet. I'll bag it up in black bags and leave it in the room until tomorrow but DP's DS will be here Saturday morning so if she hasn't picked it up by Friday afternoon I'll have to enlist my grandfather to drive me and her things to her brothers which I really don't want to do. None of her family drive and she'll claim poverty for a taxi so apart from paying for a taxi myself or asking for help I'm out of ideas

OP posts:
Panda1234 · 29/12/2011 14:03

It's her stuff. She can sort out picking it up - sod you or your grandad paying for petrol. Just give her a deadline to do it by.

Rudolfsgottarednose · 29/12/2011 14:17

She can claim hardship payments (unless she has savings/pay in advance that she isn't telling you about) after 6 weeks.

She only has to present to the council as being homeless, to be housed in a hostel. This will get benefits to start and she could have then stayed where ever she wanted as long as she didn't have a pernament address she wouldn't be making a fraudelent claim.

You may find that she is actually doing this as the money will be paid straight into her bank account.

You have helped her, as would be expected from a friend, now she should have a firm plan to move on.

gallicgreetings · 29/12/2011 14:31

Tell her you're going to sell her stuff to repay her debts Wink

I bet she'll turn up pretty quickly then!

(I'm not suggesting you should sell her property though)

Original poster
partytights · 29/12/2011 14:40

She's staying with her brother permanently. It doesn't seem like there are any hard feelings yet but she said she'll ask her brother to pay for a taxi and take her big stuff like TV and heavy clothes back.

OP posts:
HidingInTheUndergrowth · 29/12/2011 14:47

Go party! you are absolutely doing the right thing in packing her stuff and moving her out. It is up to her to sort out her own life. Tell her that her things will be in black backs on the door step at 11am tomorrow morning if she doesn't collect before then and you will leave it all there until either she picks it up or the bin men take it away.

Many years ago now I had some amazing friends who were kind enough to let me stay with them for a month when I was in desperate need. I cleaned the house everyday and made dinner for them when they came home from work. Within 2 weeks I had a job and place to stay sorted so could move out by the end of the month. I will be forever grateful to them for letting me stay with them and am deeply shocked to hear of your friend just taking the piss when you are being so kind.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2011 14:49

Hopefully she will do this and you can stay friendly with her, that would be nice, especially for your DD. Some people just take an awfully long time to grow up. Friends that are like sisters, can be as much of a pain in the arse as sisters!!

You have been incredibly nice to her - she owes you a lot of babysitting!!

Original poster
partytights · 29/12/2011 14:55

I love her. She's been like a sister to me and I could never see her on the streets but I feel when it's affecting my priority, my family, it's time to put them first again.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 29/12/2011 14:56

Thanks softkitty I got it from here, you do get some witty sayings from other Mnetters Smile. Good on you party, or she would be living with you for ever.

Original poster
partytights · 29/12/2011 16:21

She's coming around tomorrow morning. :D We're still fine with each other.

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 29/12/2011 16:30

A mate doesn't behave like that op.

She is a scrounging, freeloading twat.

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