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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my friend to leave?

83 replies

partytights · 28/12/2011 21:20

My best friend and I have known each other for seven years. She came out of a relationship and moved 100 miles back home but had nowhere to stay. I offered her my spare room as she said her friend was givibg her money or her first months rent and deposit on a flat and would only be with me a few weeks until she got a job.

That was two months ago. No job and not entitled to JSA as she left her last job voluntarily. She pays nothing yet has internet, food, alcohol etc free here and she gets to eat a takeaway when DP and I have one or a night at the pub where other people or I buy her a few drinks. DP and I have had more arguments since she's been here and he tries to make me see she's a scrounger and only conrributes occasionally to housework and has babysat for 8 hours in 2 months. He wants her gone.

Friend and I argued last night and she stayed with her brother 10 minutes away. Her brother is a single dad to two little girls, is on benefits, has their gambling dad living there and so she says she couldn't stay there.

AIBU to ask her to leave? DP and I don't feel comfortable in our own house anymore. She rarely gets up until mid afternoon and spends the majority of time in her room downloading and on Facebook. She's 25 FGS and I have a DP and two DD's on a small income. I can't afford this. She plans to 'pay off debt' when she gets her JSA, not contribute and instead of asking her brother for money for Christmas she asked (and got) comic books and Skyrim.

I'm fuming. I can't see her on the streets as she's been like a sister to me but I feel like a fucking mug.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 28/12/2011 21:49

She will have a homeless assessment and will be offered a hostel, and thereafter shared housing: HB won't pay for anything else at her age. Her problem: not yours. It was good of you to take her in in the first place and she's abused your hospitality.

dobby2001 · 28/12/2011 21:52

Party you say you are her friend and feel like a sister to her. Well in imho true friends are also ones who can tell you when you are taking the piss and that you need to sort yourself out. Letting her carry on this destructive behaviour is doing neither her or you any good and ultimately will destry the friendship you have left. Tough love here for both of you I am afraid.

Original poster
partytights · 28/12/2011 21:54

I've explained all of this to her and her destructive relationshios with ex boyfriend who she keeps meeting (I've said absolutely no men in the house because of the DC's). I've been stern and kind and she has been full of pointless promises that don't come to anything. I'm at my wits end now.

OP posts:
G1nger · 28/12/2011 21:54

Sisters can take the piss, too. Her time is up.

2wwmadness · 28/12/2011 21:57

We were in the same situation with dh's friend a few years ago. Friend (let's
Call him joe) is like a brother to dh and I love joe dearly but him staying with us nearly split us up! Same scenario. Only supposed to be for a few days. Ended up being months. Totally free loading. It really damaged the relationship between how and I, and dh and joe tbh. I feel for you

LydiaWickham · 28/12/2011 22:06

She will be forced to grow up if you stop mothering her. She can stay at her DBs for a few days, and then start looking for something else. You've more than done your bit.

Original poster
partytights · 28/12/2011 22:12

I guess I just feel guilty, like I'm letting her down but you're right. I've done more than enough. Trying to meet the rent, put food on the table, pay all the bills etc is difficult enough as it is without someone else contributing to the increase without contributing to the actual cost.

She's a big girl. She will have to take care of herself.

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 28/12/2011 22:15

She'll be shacked up with a random bloke within a week.

pigletmania · 28/12/2011 22:17

You have been kind and generous enough party, she knows that you are a lovely person and takes advantage of your good nature. She is a leech! You need to grow a pair and tell her that she is not coming back and that she has to stay with her brother and look for something there.

Earlybird · 28/12/2011 22:17

Would be completely different if:
She was big help around the house
She was trying very hard to find work
She was contributing whatever she could

But she's not doing any of those things.....

Original poster
partytights · 28/12/2011 22:21

She does help out occasionally with entertaining the kids, making breakfast or some washing up but she doesn't 'earn her keep' sort of thing. If she was living here she'd be paying £60 a week in rent not including bills or food so I don't think it's enough. DC's love her though and my 3yo will be upset she's gone.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 28/12/2011 22:23

Well you have to put yourself and your dp first, she has to go! You are too soft and you know it, and so does she.

frumpet · 28/12/2011 22:26

The fact that she got skyrim for christmas would have been enough to see her on the streets for me Xmas Grin

goldbow · 28/12/2011 22:26

She has to go, life is not one big jolly.

melika · 28/12/2011 22:27

I think you know the answer! Just be diplomatic and give her a timeline for departure!

Original poster
partytights · 28/12/2011 22:29

I texted her and asked her to call or text me about tomorrow. That was an hour ago and no reply. I'll text tomorrow with a time for her to be here. If she doesn't show, what should I do with her things?

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 28/12/2011 22:30

Can you take her things to her brother's house?

PuggyMum · 28/12/2011 22:35

YANBU. If that was me, I would have my friends house cleaned from top to bottom (not that I am saying yours needs it but I know a full on blitz is needed in most houses every now and again!). Dinner prepped and ready for friend and DP and I'd take mine off to room. No alcohol unless offered. Unlimited babysitting and I'd be showing all my attempts to find work. I reckon I've a months worth of 'things I've never got round to doing' that a non paying lodger could do. Listing stuff on ebay. Scanning photos. Putting photos in frames etc.
Seems she has taken a lend of you and burned the bridge with your DP. I don't think HIBU. If she had made herself useful it could be a different story.
Good luck x x

Original poster
partytights · 28/12/2011 22:36

I don't have a car and there's so much. TV, xbox, games, dvd's, books, an entire chest of clothes, comics etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
partytights · 28/12/2011 22:37

She has an £800 macbook, iphone 4, xvox etc. if I was in that position I'd be selling that stuff to live but I made it too easy.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 28/12/2011 22:38

Just give her a time to collect her things. Bag them up and leave them in the hallway.

LemonDifficult · 28/12/2011 22:38

Do you have a garage/shed? Is there somewhere you could put it thst would mean she wouldn't come back in the house again?

pigletmania · 28/12/2011 22:40

You have party she knows you are a soft touch and takes advantage. She can stay with her brother and sort herself out from there.

Original poster
partytights · 28/12/2011 22:41

The shed is full of DP's crap (tools). No garage. I need that room cleaned out as that's where DP's DS stays on weekends. He's veen in with the DD's for two months. He uses it at weekends and I use the desk there for work and uni work. Have set up shop on the dining room table since October.

OP posts:
saoirse86 · 28/12/2011 22:42

DP and I had a similar situation a couple of years ago. His freeloading friend came to stay "for a couple of weeks" and was still there months later. I was pg and he was smoking cannabis in the house and drinking all day. He also made constant inappropriate comments to me out of earshot of DP. It was awful and DP and I argued a lot about it.

After a few months we bought a house a few miles away and I was worried he'd end up coming with us. But he didn't because it was too far from the woman he was seeing and the pubs! That's the kind of people these are, only interested in what's best for themselves.

If she really wanted to do the best thing she would have a job, or two PT jobs by now and would be finding a flat or shared house or something.

If she doesn't turn up, bag her stuff up. If you know where her DB lives take it there, if not then tell her she has X days or it's going out with the bins!