Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I did the right thing. Now Im worried.

62 replies

troisgarcons · 28/12/2011 18:14

CBA with the whole back story - it goes back 4 years or so.

Basically DS1 (16) has a female friend his own age who, idolises him, gets insanely jealous when he has a GF, does an awful lot of stirring until the relationship breaks up. He just can't see it. He kind of pities her because she doesnt live with parents but with grandparents (awful lot of back story), but she does have parental contact with both parents.

Been another issue tonight with some quite horrendous lies coming to light. I've never been a handbags-at-the-gate sort of mother, my stance is to give advice, councel and give my children the tools to sort out thier own problems. This time it's just too big an issue not to have adult intervention.

Nan and I have a good relationship going back 30 years so I've been to speak to her. And it's all ok between us, because Im not aggressively confrontational. Nan has come round to clarify a few small points before she tackles grand daughter. A lot more has come out that has happened over the years.

I also put into the equation (know for a fact from yet another 3rd party) that grand daughter has been stealing from Dad, this week it was £240 to give to mum who couldnt afford Christmas. Nan said "OMG we are missing £500+ over the past few weeks but shes denied it and we've been through her bedroom looking for things and receipts but found nothing"

I'm now thinking I'm not actually that bright and thinking ahead because her father (and grandfather to a lesser extent) will go spare now they know it's her for certain and her father has been known to whallop her - and I mean punch, not slap, but really punch her infront of her friends including my son on one occassion. (I did put that instance firmly in the HOYs domain when I knew about it for the school to take up and deal with accordingly).

I'm just thinking fuuuuuuck what the hell have I done? Confused

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 28/12/2011 18:24

Nothing you can do now is there? Its done.

Rudolfsgottarednose · 28/12/2011 18:24

If you knew for certain that the money was to give to her mother, i think that you should have kept out of it. It would have been a different matter if she had been stealing money for drugs etc.

The family sound totally disfunctional and i would distance myself and your son for a while. The girl obviously has attatchment issues and you cannot allow these to impact on your sons life.

It doesn't sound as though you are close enough to her to help, so don't get further involved.

zookeeper · 28/12/2011 18:27

well they thought she's stolen the £500 anyway so it doesn't make any difference? I feel sorry for her - she sounds lost.

thepeoplesprincess · 28/12/2011 18:28

I think you did the wrong thing. Stealing is bad, but setting up a child to get a beating is worse IMO.

There's n;o law against minding your own business.

Original poster
troisgarcons · 28/12/2011 18:29

What she did with the money is immaterial. It's the fact, despite my intense dislike of her, she will get a good whallop tonight. And the fact that her grandmother, tho lovely, is weak and won't be able to stand up and see that there are "issues" that need resolving.

Shit. shit.shit.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 28/12/2011 18:51

If your son witnessed the girl being punched by her father, you are entitled to go to the police about it, even well after the event, especially if you think she's at immediate risk.

Not sure why the girl's family has so much cash around their houses, but they certainly need to get her some help and put her needs to the forefront. If they can't do this, then you could approach her school again before it's too late.

You're obviously really worried and I don't blame you. She may not be likeable but she's just a girl with a lot of problems when all's said and done. It sounds really unhappy for all concerned.

Dozer · 28/12/2011 18:56

Sad Nspcc or social services might be able to advise?

theincredibequeenofwands · 28/12/2011 18:58

I second calling the police if you feel that she's in danger.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 28/12/2011 18:59

Whether or not you did the right thing, it seems you may need to do more now.
A bit Shock at the posters who are suggesting you just ignore the issue now. You need to try to see that the girl gets the help she needs, since her family is the cause of her problems, not a solution. In view of the past and possible future violence, it sounds as though you should start with the police.

ParsleyTheLioness · 28/12/2011 19:00

Can you stop the girl going to GP's tonight when the problem will be at its worst...maybe the Police/social services could arrange emergency foster care. Really uneasy at her going 'home' to a beating.

ParsleyTheLioness · 28/12/2011 19:01

Cross posts Lesser.

Original poster
troisgarcons · 28/12/2011 19:23

She's already in the house. She was upstairs with a friend when I called to see Nan.

Had a couple of ph calls back and forth to clarify a couple of issues (regarding her gossiping regarding son).

The money is not my "issue" the only reason I raised is because we had money/cigarettes go missing to the point I doubted my sanity. It wasnt in the volume Nan/Dad have had go missing and in the end, although I suspected my son at the time, it was actually a friend of his. But it really caused a strain knowing there was a petty sneak thief around, and not knowing if it was family or outsiders - or your mind playing tricks. So knowing I was at the point of wondering if I had onset early dementia (seriously) you can't miss 00's of pounds going missing.

In answer to why the Dad has so much money, he rents out a flat and its a cash based rent thing. This is looking shady isn't it?

Son has just phoned with a lot of expletives, the girl has been on to him, asking if he grassed her up. No it wasnt (but Im now not happy he knew she was stealing, and he knew how upset I was when things went missing here) . But she seems to have talked her way out of a large proportion of what is going on. According to Son, I should keep my nose out.

Thats told me.

Answering points in posts - neither are at school now, both are at different AE colleges.

peoplesprincess in particular - stealing is bad. Stealing from your own is somehow worse, when you can watch them lose their marbles knowing they are unsafe in their own house.

OP posts:
thepeoplesprincess · 28/12/2011 19:31

peoplesprincess in particular - stealing is bad. Stealing from your own is somehow worse, when you can watch them lose their marbles knowing they are unsafe in their own house

Do you not see the irony in that post? Yeah, yeah the big bad beaten child and her poor sweet abusive family.

Original poster
troisgarcons · 28/12/2011 19:33

Do you not see the irony in that post? Yeah, yeah the big bad beaten child and her poor sweet abusive family.

I had to go searching for my marbles (if you read back) and no one gets abused here.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 28/12/2011 19:35

I think if you speak to someone with the DV or public protection teams at the council or with the police, they will give you some advice about this.

In the meantime I think you should call the police as an emergency if you become aware of any threat of or actual violence towards the girl.

I can understand that you are sick to the back teeth of the game-playing and manipulation that's been going on, but again that's something a professional could delve into before it all becomes too late. If she's at college, then the council or police could arrange a referral to a young person's support team. The thing is, however, that both the girl and your son are old enough to tell adults to butt out of their lives, even when they are living under your roof. Not right, but it often happens.

Are you able to talk to your son in the cold light of day about how this is affecting you? Sounds really stressful for everyone involved.

thepeoplesprincess · 28/12/2011 19:35

I thought you said the father punches his own child?

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 28/12/2011 19:42

So even though you knew that she gets beats from her dad, you still saw fit to tittle-tattle to her grandma about fags missing from your house?

Just butt out of your son's affairs. He won't thank you and I'm not sure what you thought you'd achieve. YABU by getting involved in teenage shit. Fair enough, if you suspect she's tea-leafed from your house, tell her that she can't come round any more. But getting involved over gossip has opened a can of worms for her now. I feel sorry for her.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2011 19:42

I don't understand. The father is violent to the daughter. The daughter is 16, just a kid. Yet you thought it was a good idea to tell her Nan that she stole money from her Dad and gave it to her Mum? She didn't buy drugs/alcohol - she gave it to her mother? You told her Nan, who would tell her Dad, who would be violent with the child?

What on earth made you think it was a good idea?

TheBlackDahlia · 28/12/2011 20:02

Any news OP? I can't be the only person concerned about this vulnerable girl. Please update us.

zest01 · 28/12/2011 20:08

YABU. In the first part of your post you state that this girl has been involved in breaking up your son's relationships......he is 16!!! That is parr for the course as they figure out who they are, who they want to spend time with etc. He needs to figure thse things out for himself really.

With regards to the other things yanbu in discussing the things missing in your home with your son and his friend and perhaps letting them know that if money and stuff keeps going missing you will have to involve the police - that may have put a stop to it.

With regards to the money she took from her Dad you are BANG out of order, it is none of your business and if anything you shold maybe have had a chat with the girl herself about it. Why o running off to her Nan telling tales ESPECIALLY if you know she has suffered DV at the hands of her father before.

IMO this girl is lucky to have a friend in your son who seems to want to try to help and support a girl who clearly has some issues to contend with and is very young to have all that on her shoulders - perhaps you should take a leaf out of his book and offer this girl the support she seems to need.

I would be involving social services to ensure this girls safety now. You shouldn't have interferred but now you have the least you can try to do is limit the damage.

Original poster
troisgarcons · 28/12/2011 20:11

thank you dahlia I did post -

Son has just phoned with a lot of expletives, the girl has been on to him, asking if he grassed her up. No it wasnt (but Im now not happy he knew she was stealing, and he knew how upset I was when things went missing here) . But she seems to have talked her way out of a large proportion of what is going on. According to Son, I should keep my nose out.

All is calm. Apart from my son thinking Im a numpty feckwit, and he may have a point.

But the money was a complete side issue to the most two recent lies she manufactured and spread, verbally and by text. Which was the precursor to my convo with Nan.

But for the really feckwitted amongst us you still saw fit to tittle-tattle to her grandma about fags missing from your house? that had fuck all to do with the girl, it was an illustration for reading purposes here on things going missing and your mind playing tricks on you and seriouly doubting your own sanity. I hope you never have cause to be in the same position. Mind you, given you cant read in context.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 28/12/2011 20:13

the poor girl is obviously a product of her twisted up bringing. I think she probably needs support to go on the straight and narrow. would it have been better to have talked to her mum?

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 28/12/2011 20:17

Ha ha. You're calling me feckwitted? I'm not the one who's probably managed to get a kid into a vat of hot water with a violent father. I can understand why you're lashing out at me though, considering the massive error you've made.

BlatherskitesInFairyLights · 28/12/2011 20:47

You need to be getting that girl some help now.

Speaking from experience, when they think they've got an actual valid reason to beat the shit out of you, they will and it'll be worse than last time.

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 28/12/2011 20:56

You've done it now, so there's no going back.

If I knew that there was a child being beaten somewhere, and I could prevent it, I would do something about it. It is not OK to take your son's word that "she seems to have talked her way out of a large proportion of what is going on". It has become your responsibility to make sure that this child is not abused. Call the police.

And yes, of course you were unreasonable for giving the father the opportunity in the first place.