I think I did the right thing. Now Im worried.

[troisgarcons]

CBA with the whole back story - it goes back 4 years or so.

Basically DS1 (16) has a female friend his own age who, idolises him, gets insanely jealous when he has a GF, does an awful lot of stirring until the relationship breaks up. He just can't see it. He kind of pities her because she doesnt live with parents but with grandparents (awful lot of back story), but she does have parental contact with both parents.

Been another issue tonight with some quite horrendous lies coming to light. I've never been a handbags-at-the-gate sort of mother, my stance is to give advice, councel and give my children the tools to sort out thier own problems. This time it's just too big an issue not to have adult intervention.

Nan and I have a good relationship going back 30 years so I've been to speak to her. And it's all ok between us, because Im not aggressively confrontational. Nan has come round to clarify a few small points before she tackles grand daughter. A lot more has come out that has happened over the years.

I also put into the equation (know for a fact from yet another 3rd party) that grand daughter has been stealing from Dad, this week it was £240 to give to mum who couldnt afford Christmas. Nan said "OMG we are missing £500+ over the past few weeks but shes denied it and we've been through her bedroom looking for things and receipts but found nothing"

I'm now thinking I'm not actually that bright and thinking ahead because her father (and grandfather to a lesser extent) will go spare now they know it's her for certain and her father has been known to whallop her - and I mean punch, not slap, but really punch her infront of her friends including my son on one occassion. (I did put that instance firmly in the HOYs domain when I knew about it for the school to take up and deal with accordingly).

I'm just thinking fuuuuuuck what the hell have I done?

I don't understand how you knew that this girl is regularly beaten and you've stood and done nothing for all these years. [shick]

Jesus wept.

You might not like her, she might have stolen but you, as an adult, should have intervened a long time ago and NOT by running to the "Nan" who is clearly ineffectual at protecting this child.

If the father is capable of 'really punching' his daughter in front of her friends and you've just given him cause for provocation, you owe the daughter the protection of a phone call to Social Services right now, without any question of doubt.

So the girl hasnt stolen from you at all?

Sorry fwiw I am a fuckwit, but even so I don't think it's that clear...

I didn't think it was clear, either!

"The money is not my "issue" the only reason I raised is because we had money/cigarettes go missing to the point I doubted my sanity."

It sounded to me like you raised it in the telling tales chat with the grandma.

I thought OP had been so upset by stuff going missing from her house, her first thought was for how upset the violent dad must be about missing money from his.

I can't imagine how one's relationship with one's son would be improved by dropping a troubled friend in shit with her violent dad, then deciding to mind one's own business. One might possibly set a better example by ringing the police with concerns for her safety. One might even mention to the police why there was so much cash lying around the house.

FWIW, I agree it would have been better to talk with the girl about her £240 and try to get authorities involved at that point. What's done is done. It's totally the wrong time to mind your own business now, though. You're a grown up, start acting like one.

YABU. You don't appear to have done anything. The girl, however much of a serious PITA has:

1. A dad who physically abuses her and is in danger of receiving an imminent beating
2. Doesn't live with either of her parents (there may be good reason but it's still going to affect a child growing up in terms of attachment/feeling unconditionally loved)
3. Extended family that don't protect her from being physically abused

I think I might have tried a bit of stealing, especially from people who didn't give a flying fuck about me and beat me - morals schmorals at that point, so any higher morality involving stealing from family would go out of the window. These people aren't behaving like family to her.

I think you need to step up OP and think about how you can help your son to help her responsibly and constructively. Have you spoken to him about how worried you are about her? It might make him less defensive and able to talk to you. Are Social Services going to be interested in a 16 year old? I really hope it isn't too late for her to turn her life around.

Weird, I have read many threads from you trois your claim to fame is how hands off you are...

And then you are not.

Spectacularly.

So you see, when it bothers a parent...they tend to get involved.

Maybe this is why you are so hands off?

But, whats done is done.

Try not to worry ...we all fuck up!

I hope the girl finds help somehow

What's done is done. Now you may want to look at what can be done to limit any more damage being done to this child. Could you contact the grandmother and discuss what can be done if the shit hits the fan here? Maybe offer her your help and support to keep her safe while this plays out?

"Try not to worry ...we all fuck up!"

I wouldn't worry if I'd fucked up by ordering not enough milk off the milkman or washing a handwash cardi in the machine at 60 degrees. I think I'd be a tad concerned if I thought I might have earned a CHILD a punch off her dad.

regradless of this yougn girls behaviour she IS being abused by her father, if he can punch her infront of other people fuck knows what he is doing behind closed doors! YOU have a MORAL obligation to report it!

"So you stuck your nose in when some fags went missing but you sat back when you knew she was being punched and beaten by her father"

Nah. Fags didn't go missing, apparently. Read it properly, you feckwit. It is VERY clearly written.

I suppose what most of us are saying, trois, is that this business of the father punching his daughter (when she was still a schoolgirl) far outweighs any other considerations of poor behaviour that may have occurred.

I know bauble but ...she has done it now.

She obviously feels bad.

Its not always kind to keep turning the knife.

She has an obligation to do something to prevent the shitstorm that she has helped create.

And I don't think that she does feel bad. She's tried to justify it in a million ways. Her son seems to have it right.

There are families who are beyond outside help. This situation doesn't involve a child of school age, if she won't admit to being hit, then no action can be taken by the police. It can however bring consequences to the OP and her son. Some people, or families are to dangerous to get closely involved in.

The girls mother must have been encouraging her to steal, or she at least hasn't questioned where the money has come from.

Is it a given that Nan will tell the girl's father? I mean, if she knows that her son (presumably) is going to bash her DGD, why tell him? And if she does tell him, in the full knowledge that a beating will be the outcome, then SS should be involved forthwith.

OP - you stuck your nose in with good intent to try and prevent this girl from causing your own DS more harm. You unwittingly said too much, Nan put two and two together re. their own money going missing (although they already thought she'd stolen it, as they'd searched her room) - so far, you have just been too gobby and it may have far-reaching consequences - but in reality the burden of responsibility here is on the Nan, not you. If she chooses to tell the Dad and he bashes the DD, then she is as responsible for that bashing as he is.

What can you do? Nothing much - unless you phone the police now, but it would circumstantial, rumour and suspicion at best, nothing concrete. If you see the girl and she has been bashed, then you can encourage her to go to the police etc. because her dad does not have the right to do that to her - but nothing can be done about it beforehand, afaik.

Be very careful with your DS now though - he won't tell you anything else, and you may have just driven them closer together. :(

The girl is 16, SS will not take the referal. Mind you, the police may encourage everyone to press charges against her for theft.

OP, you are being extremely rude to people here who have disagreed with you after YOU asked their opinions.

FWIW, I think you were stupid. You only have gossipy hearsay that she took the money & you have led her straight into a beating. Well done.

I have had money go missing from my home before, and I put it down to dd2 (3) playing with it, and leaving it in her hiding places. Then I took stock & put it where she couldn't get it. Didn't make me lose my mind, but! And iof you have had 00s (what's that, hundreds?) of going pounds missing (over time I assume, or all at once?) did you a] think that leaving hundreds of pounds lying around around was wise or b] not think to start being a bit more careful where you leave your stuff or c] make sure she was never in your house?

You have just got a child beaten up. She is being abused! Hope you can live with that!

I'm with you maryz...

I realise this is aibu but i don't think the op deserves the shit she's getting. We don't know what lies this girl has been spreading about her son but it was enough for the op to go and speak to her nan so must have been bad.

trois you generally come across as quite sensible so I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but seriously???

You have put this girl in great danger and FWIW, it does matter why she stole - there is a world of difference in nicking to fund a top shop spree and nicking to help her mother out (who I would imagine she already has a horribly dysfunctional relationship with)

Was an abused 16 year old getting a beating "worth" it to protect your son? It is difficult to imagine any circumstances where it might have been, although your choosing not disclose what the actual issues are makes it difficult to make any real assessment of the situation.