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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't know if I am in love with DP

71 replies

IsThisAllThereIs · 28/12/2011 16:15

Will try in vain to keep this brief, as strongly suspect I am being silly.

I met DP over a dating website a few years back so we knew each other online before in the flesh. We live together (mostly) harmoniously. We share the same sense of humour and lark about together a lot. We enjoy similar pastimes and generally have fun together. I have a serious career and he is very supportive of it, taking care of cooking and other things when I am working. When I was ill recently he took care of me, rushing me to hospital, bringing me food when I couldn't stand the NHS muck. At first, he was unsure about having DC but we have now decided to start trying next year. I think he will be good with DC; he is gentle and kind.

But... I don't know if I am in love with him. He has a low sex drive and erectile issues and we don't have sex that often. He has been ill with a long-running cold for much of Dec and what with one thing and another, we have only slept together once this month. He is a bit overweight and although I think he is cute, I don't find him that physically attractive anymore. Mostly, our relationship is fine, but then sometimes we have a stupid argument or a spat or he does something selfish and I think - is this IT? It's okay to have a lust-free relationship when you are having a good time otherwise, but when he is annoying you as well, it is enough?

I met a man recently (super-unavailable - married and a no-go area for professional reasons) who I am totally in lust with. He is sexy and intelligent and funny. I keep thinking what it would be like to be with someone like him and not DP. AIBU? Am I being stupid? Is the grass always greener and most people's relationships are just okay?

Or does your partner still give you butterflies after years together and am I just settling? This is really bugging me :(

OP posts:

cantspel · 28/12/2011 16:21

So you dont love him and you dont fancy him. Can i ask why you are wanting to have a child with him? Let alone staying in a relationship with him

slavetofilofax · 28/12/2011 16:24

If you don't know if you are in love with him, then you are clearly not in love with him.

When you are in love, you know about it.

inkyfingers · 28/12/2011 16:25

Don't get pregnant. Grass is often greener so ignore the super-unavailable one until you have sorted things with your partner. You may need help via GP for erectile issues - you also need to be able to talk about sex together.

I think DCs are a long way down the list for you both. Hope it goes well for you.

ThreeNine · 28/12/2011 16:26

My relationship is similar to how you describe yours in a lot if ways. There are no butterflies at all. We're happy though and I wouldn't really care to change anything (I sometimes think I'd like him to have laser eye surgery so he doesn't need to wear glasses!) I think it you need to work out if you ate actually happy or just making do. I don't ever think about other guys or hyperthetical other guys..

helenthemadex · 28/12/2011 16:26

doesnt sound like a good relationship to bring a child into

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 28/12/2011 16:27

slavetofilofax is right. When you know you know. There is a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

inkyfingers · 28/12/2011 16:35

'being in love' doesn't last that long; love does and sometimes feels unexciting. Building a relationship takes years and you have to work at it some of the time. Either through illness like the OP says, or other difficulties. Relationships aren't like toasters that just pack up - well some poeple's are I suppose...

Ephiny · 28/12/2011 16:37

I wouldn't start trying for a baby while you're having serious doubts about the relationship, looking at other men etc.

CrabbyBigbottom · 28/12/2011 16:40

I think people who get 'butterflies' after being in a relationship for years are in the minority - usually butterflies are a symptom of exciting lust and infatuation, which is what a lot of people call being 'in love'. Not many people keep up that all consuming intensity for years and years, unless they're apart a lot (and therefore having exciting reunions) or they have a volatile relationship which involves lots of uncertainty/making up. Many people settle down into happy companionship and partnership, with passion that waxes and wanes according to circumstances.

But - if you're fantasising seriously (as opposed to just a bit of daydreaming) about another man, and you feel that your libidos are really mismatched, then to me that says that you need to do some serious thinking about whether this is a man you want to have a child with.

I've had passionate relationships, volatile relationships, ones where I've been very much 'in love'. My DP now is a very calm person, and there aren't the fireworks and there isn't a lot of lust either, but I'm happier with him than I have been with anyone.

Original poster

IsThisAllThereIs · 28/12/2011 16:41

To clarify, I do love him. We have fun together and I enjoy his company and would be horribly sad if anything happened to him. He is special to me. The house is lonely without him when he's away and I like sleeping with him (in bed).

But does it matter if we're not in love? I guess I know I'm not but don't know if it matters.

OP posts:

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 28/12/2011 16:41

I'd disagree inkyfingers I only have to look at my parents, nearly 40 year's of marriage, to see that you can be 'in love' for a bloody long time! What matters is how you deal with the rocky patches as well as the good times.

A good sex life seems to be the key and if the OP isn't getting that then I can see why she is doubting her relationship.

OP talk to him get the issues out in the open and then address them.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 28/12/2011 16:43

Isthisallthereis it just sounds like you need to work through a rocky patch rather than call it quits. Talk to him.

Original poster

IsThisAllThereIs · 28/12/2011 16:43

Crabby you talk sense but then the fantasy about another man is a just a fantasy. Doesn't everyone have them?

OP posts:

tanfastic · 28/12/2011 16:43

Someone once said on a thread like this to try and imagine how you'd feel if you caught your DH snogging another woman - seriously how would you feel? If the answer is it wouldn't bother you all that much then that is your answer.

Things become seriously harder when children come in to the equation by the way, even for the most in love couples.

Ephiny · 28/12/2011 16:43

How do you define 'in love'? Do you mean sexual attraction?

cantspel · 28/12/2011 16:44

Are you of an age where you are willing to "settle" for the sake of having a child? Do you see this as your last chance at motherhood and he has some qualties that will make him a good father?

Original poster

IsThisAllThereIs · 28/12/2011 16:44

Thanks MrsC :) we have talked but sex basically just isn't as important to him as it is to me and he lacks sexual confidence. I keep saying we should try to make time but we are both busy, he has a cold now, or eats too much at dinner and doesnt' feel like it or whatever. Somehow it just never happens.

OP posts:

tanfastic · 28/12/2011 16:46

I personally think there needs to be some kind of sexual attraction in a relationship for it to last the distance. Although being in love isn't all about sexual attraction, it goes a lot deeper than that! Some might not agree.

ThreeNine · 28/12/2011 16:46

A good sex life doesn't have to mean sex all the time or even regularly, you just both need to be happy with it.

Original poster

IsThisAllThereIs · 28/12/2011 16:46

Ephiny - I don't know. I guess so.

cantspel - yes I think so.

tanfastic - recently I had a situation where I thought he was standing me up for another woman - it wasn't that, total false alarm - I felt hurt and furious and could barely stop myself from crying even though I was in a public place.

OP posts:

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 28/12/2011 16:46

ThreeNine stole my post :o

slavetofilofax · 28/12/2011 16:47

Only you know if it matter to you and him.

It would matter to me, but that doesn't mean it should matter to everyone. Companionship and friendship are just as important.

Horribly sad seems a strange way to feel if something happened to your partner. I don't think there are the words to describe how it would feel if you were in love, but devastated would be more along the right lines.

I think you can be in love after a long time, but then maybe everyone's definition of 'in love' is different. I think the butterfly feeling becomes less frequent, but it would be sad to think that it had gone forever. Even if the butterfly thing does only happen occasionally, it can be replaced with other feelings that are deeper and longer lasting and just as pleasurable.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 28/12/2011 16:48

sounds depressingly mundane to me. I have been married to DH for almost 22 years and I still get butterflies sometimes. I still fancy him like mad and he says the same, we are in love, best friends and still have rempant sex although not as often as we used to we have something special and know it, especially when we see friends in relationships where they just seem to have settled for something ok. think carefully as to if this is enough for you before having DC, it may just be the infatuation that is clouding your feelings at the moment but be sure. HTH

JjandtheBean · 28/12/2011 16:51

I've had times where I've wondered if I love dp, were nearly 7yrs down the track and have gone through an awful lot.

Sometimes I look at him and wonder what I'm doing? What he's doing?
Sometimes I feel so angry I think I hate him.
Another day I look at him and want to rip his clothes off.
Some days I feel feircely protective of him and love him very much.

I know I love him, even when I question myself, one night away from him is painful, I'm unsettled and ache to be with him. When I'm hurt or scared I want him. A few weeks ago I had an operation and as I woke up his was the first name I said, for me that said it all.

What I'm trying to say is its a journey, every day is different and there are no garuntees in life. Happiness is important. Love changes daily, I love dp in so mant differenct ways.

I hope some of that makes sense, good luck op.

JjandtheBean · 28/12/2011 16:53

And no the butterflies aren't gone they come sometimes and when they do I feel 17 again.

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