I don't know if I am in love with DP

[IsThisAllThereIs]

Will try in vain to keep this brief, as strongly suspect I am being silly.

I met DP over a dating website a few years back so we knew each other online before in the flesh. We live together (mostly) harmoniously. We share the same sense of humour and lark about together a lot. We enjoy similar pastimes and generally have fun together. I have a serious career and he is very supportive of it, taking care of cooking and other things when I am working. When I was ill recently he took care of me, rushing me to hospital, bringing me food when I couldn't stand the NHS muck. At first, he was unsure about having DC but we have now decided to start trying next year. I think he will be good with DC; he is gentle and kind.

But... I don't know if I am in love with him. He has a low sex drive and erectile issues and we don't have sex that often. He has been ill with a long-running cold for much of Dec and what with one thing and another, we have only slept together once this month. He is a bit overweight and although I think he is cute, I don't find him that physically attractive anymore. Mostly, our relationship is fine, but then sometimes we have a stupid argument or a spat or he does something selfish and I think - is this IT? It's okay to have a lust-free relationship when you are having a good time otherwise, but when he is annoying you as well, it is enough?

I met a man recently (super-unavailable - married and a no-go area for professional reasons) who I am totally in lust with. He is sexy and intelligent and funny. I keep thinking what it would be like to be with someone like him and not DP. AIBU? Am I being stupid? Is the grass always greener and most people's relationships are just okay?

Or does your partner still give you butterflies after years together and am I just settling? This is really bugging me :(

There will always be people around that your could find attractive! But will they be loyal, kind, care for you when ill, sacrifice jobs and move away for you?
Would you rather have a guy that is romantic and has a super sex drive....those guys often get bored and look elsewhere once the honeymoon phase passes.

However, since you do not have any children yet, this would be the time to leave, don't have a child unless you are sure you will stay.

Try and spice up your romance...and get him out for walks, or dancing, or skating, skiing, paying a sport etc. with you, to burn off some of the calories and have some good time together.

I didn't settle for my DH. We had a really crazy and romantic beginning with a fair bit of drama. But then we had to see whether it was all real and quickly we were like any couple with bits of bickering and all the tensions of real life. It's still great but there are definitely peaks and troughs in the romance, sex and laughter after three years.

But I really support the scheduled time together. Once a month we have a big date (we take it in turns to plan it so it's a surprise for the other) and each Sunday we play board games or do something together. Sometimes it feels forced at the beginning but we always end up having fun together.

We are that couple you see gazing adoringly at each other in the restaurant but I was also simmering with resentment as yet again I picked his socks off the living room floor that morning. I've got friends that roll their eyes our dates but we always have great sex on date night. No it's not spontaneous but it's no less real for that.

I also think you can fake the nervousness and eagerness to impress. I buy new underwear regularly and when I'm getting ready for our date, I pretend that it's the first time he'll be seeing me naked or that he may not like my dress. I don't know whether he is still genuinely blown away when he sees me dolled up but who cares, he acts like he is.

Sorry this has got a bit long but while I feel I have an amazing relationship both of us put a lot of work into it. I'm certain if we stopped putting in the effort, things could slip quite easily.

you can get a cyalis in a daily dose (though private prescription) which works V well. (DH got his in the states but think it should be available here).

Once sex life has improved have a rethink (though you prob won't want to).

I am in a very similar position so have been interested in the responses. I am due to move in with my boyfriend who I've been dating for over a year but am getting really nervous about it because I'm worried I don't love him like I should. He's kind, caring, all my friends/family love him, we have a laugh although never a bellyache type laugh, more comfortable iyswim. But things have started to slide a bit recently and we're just not connecting. I've started to pick up on things I find annoying and spend too much time focussing on the negative and not the positive. I am mid 30's without kids so this relationship has lots of pressure on it because I'm desperate for children but want to get in a solid stable relationship before I do. I also think I spend far too much time comparing our relationship to my parents who are very happily married for over 40 years.

I'm am a grass is green type person with everything in my life (career esp - have had so many changes over the years) so wonder if this will always be the case with every relationship but I do have this view that with the right person I would be happy and just know. My mother says 'she just knew' about my father and I hate the fact I a) don't feel this with my boyfriend b) have never felt it. Will I ever?!!!

Sorry to hijack with my story OP - just know that what you are going through is quite common and I would love to know the answer as I don't want to throw away a good relationship because I'm searching for one that doesn't exist!

Sounds like you just need to define what love is for you.

Most of us learn that it has something to do with butterflies, princes, flowers and pink.
I think you have realised you love this dude but you can't actually make it fit into a romantised idea of what the relationship is supposed to look like.

Even if you do go out with Mr. Unavailable, it is still lust. That emotion is much easier to define.

So whether you have a quickie with unavailable or not is irrelevant in my opinion. (I believe in a freeworld ) but your next commitment is making you wonder what love is and that is a question you would need to answer irrespective of the partner.

So do you need butterflies to be in love?

Hi geekette Mr Unavailable is truly unavailable - I am rather ashamed to say why on a public forum even anonymously - but that is deffo not on the cards, just a fantasy. Also really would never cheat on DP (or anyone!) - am lusty but honourable!!

I think my problem is - and I wonder if others feel the same? - is that I don't 'just feel things' and 'know things are right' as others have said. Or at least, in 32 years I have never felt that. Not sure I can afford to wait around for it.

I am definitely a head not heart person and I think that is the issue, I pick over everything and never just feel 'wow'. About anything. Gawd, I sound miserable, don't I!

I was married before and was with him 18 years,the "in love" feeling definately went after a few years. With now dh it was intense for 3 yrs then we had dd and its more settled but i still cant wait for him to call me or come home.If he works nights i am lost without him here and would rather have a night out with him than anyone else. He still looks like the fittest bloke ive ever seen and i fancy him in a very lustfull way.
However,having a baby really brought on reality and ended the honeymoon, so maybe it will be the breaking point for you op.

birds I think you are right and that stuff is important to me. The thing is I have worked at the sex stuff but it does take two. DP seems to be slowly coming around but will quite frequently get chippy and say that he has an ED problem which is like a disability and I shouldn't get at him about it.

I think a lot of it is lack of confidence on his part and also that having sex about once a month is not me being too demanding. I know what you mean about looking elsehwere but with sex that doesn't really work.

If you think about life without him in it, not splitting up or how it would affect him or any of that very emotionally charged stuff, but just two futures - one with him, one without him - what's your overriding emotion? That will probably be more likely to tell you your answer.

As well as diabetes, maybe get him to get a blood test for thyroid? Low sex drive, weight gain, irritability can all be symptoms of hypothyroidism. Worth a try? I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid after having DS2 - I didn't particularly gain weight, but I was incredibly low on energy and sluggish, zero libido and so blardy ratty much of the time. Not fun. But an easy test to find out, and a relatively easy (albeit not total) solution.

clearly it is up to you OP and we are all different. I have a friend in a virtually sexless relationship (in the past 5-6 years) and her DH is truly, truly a lovely man. They have 2 teenage DDs and are basically very happy but my friend finds this incredibly hard. Her DH says many of the same things that your DP does but it does make my friend feel very unwanted and unattractive. HOWEVER, they are happy in every other way and so she is prepared to put up with this.

I was also in a similar situation with my ex p but it was me that wasnt particularly interested in sex at that time. To me then, this was not a deal breaker, we had other problems but I could not relate to people who thought sex was important.

Now that I am with DP (7 years) I cannot imagine living without a healthy sex life ever again! Now that I have found someone that is not only lovely but that I find HUGELY attractive and the feeling is totally mutual I understand why people go on an on about the joys of sex!

I suppose the point I'm making is that you have to look at the relationship as a whole and decide if it is enough for you....I do think that the sex thing is quite fundamental for you, especially since you haven't been together that long. But at the end of the day only you can decide.

I am the one with the low sex drive in my relationship and i have to admit it does hurt when the demand is on for more especially when more isn't plenty.
What worked for us was finding out which rythm or sequence of demand/response worked for us.
Maybe instead of upping the ante/stats just make sure each time counts for both of you?

I am also 32 and recently married and also did the whole can't feel a thing thing :) Same as you, some other guy stepped into the picture and I realised that what i felt was the way "right" felt.
I had the heart flutters so many years ago and i doubt they lasted six months. But despite the arguments my DH knows how to make me feel good about myself and that is important to me.

I almost feel like saying go for it and don't worry, you'll laugh over this eventually. but i am not the one going to live with him so that would be wrong of me. good luck, it isn't easy figuring stuff like this out. Hopefully a eureka moment will arrive shortly.

you are selfish,you know answer already you're settling for mr comfy
you don't love him,don't fancy him but happy to snuggle up and pretend you want him and a baby

do yourself and him a favour,stop settling
if you want lusty,horny,career guys, go meet some single compatible guys

it's wrong to settle for comfy and dull,and then bring child into the equation

What is very VERY important to remember is this: COUPLE-RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT COMPUlSORY. It's perfectly all right to remain single all your life. It's better to be single than to have to share your home with someone who gets on your nerves, and if you set up home with someone who is a decent, ethical, pleasant, reasonable-looking etc because everyone keeps telling you that you should engage in committed heteromonogamy and that not to do so is to be abnormal, you will end up miserably resentful of the other person and making that person miserably resentful as well.

Exactly!
There is this idea that you must either settle with Mr Dull or with Mr Gambling/abusive other. There are many other options between: someone not dull but not dangerous either who you will feel special about him will come at any age, or you can stay on your own. What some people describe as 'calm' relationship sounds house-sharing to me and then i would go for normal house-sharing with friends and spare the hypocricy and heartache.

Although if you want children (and this s not compusory either) you need to research the solo options.

IsThis there is a thread currently in Relanionship about a lady who settled and years later she is very unhappy.

sgb makes a very good point, there is nothing at all wrong with being single.

I love living with DP, but living alone (or with dogs :)) is fantastic as well - in fact he had to be something pretty special to get me to give up having my own place!

I think there's a big difference between 'settling', and being in a good relationship, but wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere - only you can figure out which applies to you OP. I think the 'romantic love' hollywood myth that we're peddled all the time is really damaging, actually - that you meet 'the one' (the only one, presumably), that 'you just know', and that you (after maybe some dramatic to-ing and fro-ing before you get together) then live happily ever after. I reckon if you asked most people who've been married for years what their secret is, it's alot to do with working at it, and not bailing out when the going gets tough.

DP and I both acknowledge that if we'd met at different stages of our lives, we'd barely have exchanged a glance. We happened to meet at the right time, when we'd both learned to compromise more (in our behaviour and expectations, I mean, not in 'settling'). I'd had enough relationships to know that drama and infatuation are no substitute for respect, trust and love. And a shared sense of humour - couldn't be with anyone without that.

he is a decent family man doesn't make him boring, surely?
I guess that is for the op to know anyway.

In any case, it is true that there is no obligation to marry but I agree with bigbottom. There is a difference between settling and finding out what relationship you are currently in.

totally agree with those that say you need to think not necessarily about whether you will "find someone better" but if you would rather be with him or on your own. I think it is always worrying if people are in relationships because they would rather be with the wrong person than alone....not that you are doing that but I have always felt like it is MORE lonely being in the wrong relationship than being single.