I don't know if I am in love with DP

[IsThisAllThereIs]

Will try in vain to keep this brief, as strongly suspect I am being silly.

I met DP over a dating website a few years back so we knew each other online before in the flesh. We live together (mostly) harmoniously. We share the same sense of humour and lark about together a lot. We enjoy similar pastimes and generally have fun together. I have a serious career and he is very supportive of it, taking care of cooking and other things when I am working. When I was ill recently he took care of me, rushing me to hospital, bringing me food when I couldn't stand the NHS muck. At first, he was unsure about having DC but we have now decided to start trying next year. I think he will be good with DC; he is gentle and kind.

But... I don't know if I am in love with him. He has a low sex drive and erectile issues and we don't have sex that often. He has been ill with a long-running cold for much of Dec and what with one thing and another, we have only slept together once this month. He is a bit overweight and although I think he is cute, I don't find him that physically attractive anymore. Mostly, our relationship is fine, but then sometimes we have a stupid argument or a spat or he does something selfish and I think - is this IT? It's okay to have a lust-free relationship when you are having a good time otherwise, but when he is annoying you as well, it is enough?

I met a man recently (super-unavailable - married and a no-go area for professional reasons) who I am totally in lust with. He is sexy and intelligent and funny. I keep thinking what it would be like to be with someone like him and not DP. AIBU? Am I being stupid? Is the grass always greener and most people's relationships are just okay?

Or does your partner still give you butterflies after years together and am I just settling? This is really bugging me :(

Turn on your imagination.

Imagine him being really into another woman, raving about her, kissing her. Imagine him telling you he doesn't fancy you anymore and would rather be with this woman.

How would you feel?

indifferent? jealous? relieved?

There's your answer.

jj thank you, that makes a lot of sense. I do want DP when I am hurt but then am not always sure how far I can rely on him emotionally - sometimes he is great and sometimes he reacts very childishly. I just don't know :(

Well he sounds like he's avoidant when it comes to sex, ie he is aware of your discontent but not prepared to do anything about it. That's not good as a longterm situation. Also, you are keener on having DC than he is, so I rather expect his willy is going to wilt even more, and you will continue asking about TTC and he will continue to do nothing about addressing his erectile issues until you are no longer fertile.
'Gentle and kind' can translate into 'useless, lazy and selfish' you know.

Jj is right. Love stays but being in love comes and goes.

There is a wonderful piece of prose that starts, when you love someone, you do not love them in the same way all of the time.

My friend was married to a sterotypical boring accountant. Staid, trustworthy, do anything for her.

Not what you would deem "exciting" - so she ran off with (again a sterotype) rather well endowed black gentleman she met on holiday; scuba intstructor apparently. Tho' I'm sure that's not all he went down on ....

Point I'm making is: "boring" doesn't tend to come home and knock you about,; or have a gambling problem; or drink excessively, or bleed you dry - "boring" (or stable as I prefer to call it) tends to put you first, the family first, work for the home and family life.

She's not married now. Not got a scuba instructor either.

So whilst I wouldnt advocate settling for something less than you think you deserve, don't be fooled thinking there is greener grass out there.

Isthis- that's pretty normal here too, sometimes he is fantastic does and sayes just what I need other times he's silly and ends up annoying me, he acts like this when he doesn't know what to do I've found. If you are both happy, in my experience I wouldn't change a thing, me and dp have had what I'd call 'friendship' stages. Maybe talk to a gp about the sex issues as that is a big part in a relationship and there's a lot you can do to help.

I'm no expert, I'm 23, but we've had an interesting 7yrs together and I hope I can reassure you that just because your not feeling head over heels and butterflies today you won't glimpse at him tomorrow and it rushes back.

I agree with Jj. Sometimes it's not always a bad thing to step back and re-evaluate your relationship too, remind yourself of all the lovely, nice things that come with it. However, I do think you need to speak to him about your sex life, if you are not happy then it is an issue that must be resolved. Personally I don't think it would be the best idea to bring a baby into the equation until you have sorted out any issues, they aren't good band aids and any cracks will be multiplied instantly and that's not fair on any of you. I don't think I've ever questioned whether I love DH, I do love him to he point of distraction and feel it more now after nearly 12 years than ever before but I have had times when I've thought 'what the hell am I doing' but ultimately only you know the answer as to whether you love him.

Some years me and dh are more in love with each other than others but over the course of 21 years that is to be expected. If you are feeling this way before you have even had kids it doesn't sound good tbh.

It depends how you define love I suppose. If I never saw dh again I would be devestated, actually just the thought of it makes me feel panicky and sick.

Imo you need that butterflies feeling even if it is only once in a while.

Children can place a huge strain on the strongest of relationships from what you have said I think very very carefully before you have children with him.

YANBU to feel this way. However, I don't think the grass is always greener unless you are having doubts which you are. You have no DCs yet and you feel this way, I woul really re-think this. DCs often put a huge strain on things including your sex life.

What others have said about loving their partners more over the years, true for me.

I totally agree with the advice about being cautious re children if you are unsure of your relationship.

I think in your heart you will always know if someone is right for you or not. Even when things were at their best with my Exp (and although a lot of the time he was an utter shit, we did also used to have some really good happy times - albeit rarely occasionally) when he used to make me laugh and when I fancied him madly, I never 'felt' that I was in love. And although we talked about marriage, I never pushed for it because I never felt that he was enough for me. I felt lots of lust for him, I cared about him but yet there was always something missing.

After we split I met someone else and (although it didn't last) the feelings there were utterly different from those with my Exp and indeed with any other relationship I'd had previously. This will sound utterly wanky (and I really apologise in advance ) but I felt I finally understood why people wrote poems and songs about love. There's a quote which for me sums it up 'you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep at night, because reality is finally better than your dreams'.

and when it is, you do know :)

I love that Dr Suess quote! So true.

Why not aiming for greener grass?

Of course there is greener grass and there are relationships with passion and with good sex.
You are not married to him and you dont have dcs so you don't have to settle. Tbh that line 'some evenings he eats too much and he is not up to it' says a lot. If it irritates you now, imagine in 10 years.

I think even if 'in love'/lust/passion doesn't last forever at least is good if you had it for few years. And then a song on the radio or a smell can bring it back. But if you never had it, not even in the begining, you might feel sad and resentful torwards him every time you have a difficult moment.

O god, such a tricky one - I can completely see how one might allow worthwhile qualities (such as dependability, being a good father) to overrride the more exciting, butterflies, rocks-and-stars 'in love' stuff, especially if you are v keen to have DC. And the worthwhile qualities are, well, worthwhile - I am quite anxious/risk averse and would hate to have a rackety DH who was always running up mad debts, for example, and am hugely grateful that he is always happy to spend all of his time with me and the DC at the weekend (sounds silly, but so many of my friends' DHs just aren't prepared to put in much time at the weekends).

BUT I do think that the more exciting side of things is really important as well. The early years with small DC can be pretty grinding and mundane (the routine of it all - obvs the DC are wonderful, but they are hard work and there is a lot of repetition and some drudgery). I think the lovely, exciting side of your relationship with their dad gets you through that more easily. And it's just really nice, too - I don't expect (or get!) butterflies all of the time, but I love that sometimes at a crowded cafe, a party or whatever I'll look up and catch a glimpse of a man and think 'Ooh, he's nice!' and then a second later realise it's DH. Or to exchange a glance with him over the kids' tea and to know that we're going to have fab sex once they're in bed . It sustains me through the tougher times (and there have been plenty - 2 lots of PND, in particular).

I think the unavailable sexy man may be a red herring. I still have the occasional bonkers pash on someone - a school-gate dad, someone at work. I don't act on them, but equally don't feel guilty about them or think that they're indicative of something lacking with me and DH. They're not. I'd focus on your DP, and try to work through your feelings about him. And I don't think that doing that is terribly unromantic, or means that he isn't the right man for you - starting a family should be taken seriously, and the mad pash isn't necessarily going to be the best basis for it. Would definitely try to sort out the sex issues, though.

I just want to chip in again to agree with what Laquitar said - if you didn't feel 'it' in the beginning, then I think you're not on to a winning wicket - passion doesn't stay constant over the years, but I do think it has to be there in the first place to fuel your bond and affection through the years (even if the actual passion wanes at times).

On the one hand, I'd say if you don't have children yet and you're not really feeling it; look for someone you do feel it with. On the other hand, I really felt the lust and passion for DD's father, and the relationship was disasterous - profound sex, but no corresponding emotional trust and intimacy. With DP, there was big passion at first, but that settled after a year or so into something more comfortable. Would I swap it (7 yrs on)? Not for the world! If what you really want is children, then you'll want someone with 'fatherhood' qualities. But if that's the case, then don't keep peering at the greener grass on the other side. You can't ever have it all!

And absolutely exactly what Mog just said - she put it much better than me!

Thanks all. Some good advice here

Laquitar your point about passion having to be there is a good one. I don't know - the first time we were together was madly horny and I think there is the potential for that. He is fanciable - just over 6' and slightly 'rough around the edges'. But we just haven't had regular sex for so long that that kind of gets turned off in my brain about him. And the weight thing.

He can also be short-tempered which is difficult.

But he is very cool. He works for a charity he really believes in and is really bright. I love a lot of things about him. The sexy man can be quite stuffy sometimes and DP never is.

We talked tonight. He said he thought we'd be okay and that he loved me. What makes it harder (or not?) is that he gave up a job for me last year and moved a couple of hundred miles when my job moved. I don't feel like I can just find someone else. I don't really want to. I think this thread has helped me see that. But I do want our relationship to be better.

I'm not sure how to do that. I've proposed to him that we have one day a week where we eat early and then do something romantic like go to a film or to bed early or for a walk or just spend time together. I think maybe all the romantic stuff just goes out the window if you don't have much time for each other. I can fix that, I think.

I don't know still if I'm 'in love' - when I see the attractive man my pulse picks up and I'm nervous and try to impress him. I don't get that with DP. But then there are other things with him, like stupid jokes and shared tastes and the fact that we can live together but both still be independent. Maybe nothing's perfect and 'settling' isn't so bad.

I think.

your bloke sounds lovely. funny and nice. I don't think love has to be about lust. it's more about long term friendship with a bit of lust thrown in. if you are feeling unfullfilled sex wise - work on it. what action can you take as a couple to make sure your needs are met? if you are really unsure about the relationship, take a week or so away from him to try and clarify your feelings.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN UNLESS YOU ARE 100% POSITIVE ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

I have a terrible ex husband who takes me to court for the slightest thing. I have no life and will have no life until my children are grown. Bottom line I am spending 20 years miserable because I had children with the wrong person. You have doubts- listen to them.

he sounds like a grower by the way

I have been married over 30 yrs I do love my dh not in that dizzy/exciting way when we first met that doesn't last long but I love him allthough there are times I don't like him or something he does, he can really iritate me but the thought of him not being there is horrible - if you say how much you miss him when apart I think that says it all if you didn't love him and want to be with him you wouldn't be bothered.
My dh recently had health scare and the thought of him not being there terrified me reminded me how much he means to me.
You can't expect to feel the same as when you first met but if it deepens into true love it's wonderful.

I think many have been in this situation, (myself included) and wondered the same thing. But instead of finding a universal answer to this 'old age problem', just focus on your relationship and whether HE is right for YOU.

I was with a guy (also met him online dating) for a year. He was intelligent, funny, clever, kind and would do absolutely anything for me. So I convinced myself that I SHOULD be with him (I am putting aside the notion of being in love, or loving someone - as I think this can be confusing. Sometimes love isn't enough and the real question is whether you can actually be with someone). Also he was really into me and I think I got swept away with it. We were also horny when we met but I now put that down to being single for 5 years previously!

I didn't fancy him even though I tried to convince myself I did. There was nothing wrong with him, he just didn't make me feel a certain way, in the end I even started becoming repulsed by him.

For a long time I wondered the same thing, does it matter that I am not in love with him? After all, I was in my late 30's, I knew he'd never cheat on me and he got on with DS. But in the end I just couldn't pretend.

I think you really need to get your sex life back on track and see how you feel about him then. And just be patient. Your doubts will either give away and this would have just been a phase or they will get bigger and you'll realise that these doubts were your inner gut telling you what you really feel.

IsThis you have mentioned low sex drive and weight problem and now you are mentioning short temper. I rememer my cousin's dh had those 3 symptoms (plus tiredness) and he was diagnosed with diabetes. Just a thought...