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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a little uncertain that primrose oil is the best medication for a violent fragile X teen?

53 replies

corygal · 28/12/2011 12:09

Oh, wail, plead, puss-in-boots melting eyes, ladies - I need your help.

Family friend is worried stiff about her DN - nephew. He's 19, diagnosed with very severe autism (fragile X) at 4, and after leaving residential school is back at home with his 50-plus parents and their four young DSs and DDs.

DN is beating them up. Mate found out when his sister, 9, let slip that 'Mummy was asleep on the grass for hours' after they had been gardening together and 'she said DN hit her head'. Mate saw it for herself when she walked into their utility room and was met by a flying 11-yr old, her other neice. The other 3 kids - 7 to 10 - have been similarly treated. The dad, who is in the army, can't control DN, who in addition to having psychotic rages, is still growing at 6 foot 2 and a fine athlete.

Parents 'don't believe in medication'. Grandparents believe in aromatherapy. Mate doesn't believe in family beaten black and blue. What can she say to persuade them that DN needs more help than the rest of his family fleeing when he approaches?

OP posts:
KatAndKit · 28/12/2011 12:12

I would say there is a child safety issue going on here as the younger children are at risk. I am usually the last to suggest involving social services, but I can't think what else the mate can do if the parents of this young man refuse to take the appropriate steps to protect the younger children.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 28/12/2011 12:13

Not a thing. She can offer to help them, she could even phone the police if she witnesses him actually attacking someone, but that's all she can do. She can't make them do anything :(
Would a visit from the police make them realise how serious his behaviour is? or would they just close ranks and blame your friend for interfering, and maybe even cut her out of their lives?

blueemerald · 28/12/2011 12:14

If they don't believe in medication (sigh) and cannot be persuaded I would ring social services with regards to the treatment of the younger children. I know it sounds extremely harsh but I work with secondary aged people with special needs and sometimes certain actions have to be taken (ringing social services or the police) for certain responses to be triggered.

Rudolfsgottarednose · 28/12/2011 12:14

Tbh i would contact SS if the other children are being assualted and the parents are failing to protect them, or are you all going to wait until he kills/seriously injures one of them?

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 12:18

Yep SS for sure

Original poster
corygal · 28/12/2011 12:26

I agree - we are secretly hoping the kids, who are all at a prep school in York, will let slip to one of the teachers. But.... we both reckon the parents have told them to keep quiet.

If the kids do manage to tell a teacher, will the school do anything? It's a private school & I worry these don't have the same rules.

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WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 12:29

Why secretly hope they'll tell a teacher when you know what's going on? Confused

Imo all adults have a duty to blow the whistle when children are suffering abuse.

Just ring Social Services and let them deal with it.

SarahStratton · 28/12/2011 12:29

Social Services, I agree that this is one of those times where intervention is needed. No child needs to grow up with a psychotic raging 6'2er.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/12/2011 12:30

I think this sounds like one of those situations where someone has to act. It's all very well for adults to try to hush things up for their own misguided reasons but when they're asking young children to lie on their behalf and tolerate violent behaviour in the home, that's just wrong. 'Secretly hoping' is not a strategy. The friend could raise it with SS, the younger children's school, the police. It's all valid if the alternative is a murdered family....

Crabapple99 · 28/12/2011 12:30

social services and police, straight away. Those kids need protecting. The police deal with violent autistic people, some can learn their behaviour is criminal, some can be convicted and imprisoned. Some can't learn not to be violent, and need to be in a secure hospital for other peoples safty. It isn't anyones fault, but it is nessessary. Please report this now, it sounds like this lad could do some serious damage.

tiredemma · 28/12/2011 12:32

SS need to be aware.

And to be honest he probably needs some kind of placement away from home. Sounds tough but if he can beat his own mother in the back garden, then he is potentially a massive risk to the public.

Original poster
corygal · 28/12/2011 12:33

Er, does anyone know what facilities there would be for a young adult with this problem? Part of the reason the parents don't want to admit they are having difficulties is that they're scared DN will be whisked away.

I know nowt about this, but I have suggested DN will be a lot more likely to be 'removed', if that exists these days, if he doesn't get medical help. Which might persuade his parents to think again.

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WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 12:36

I understand they're scared but so far he's knocked his Mum out for 'hours' and beaten his siblings black and blue.

Something needs to be done ASAP and it won't be a case of SS saying "Oh, this is what we do in these cases" as every case will be different.

tiredemma · 28/12/2011 12:37

Hate to be blunt but I work in a Regional secure unit (with women) but we have an adolescents ward where we have 'children' placed (detained under mental health act). His behaviour sounds very similar to the types of behaviours demonstrated by some of the patients on that unit.

No family wants to see their child 'locked away' but his behaviour sounds very disturbing and dangerous. What will it take for them to accept that its not possible for him to live at home? A smack over the head with a hammer??

Crabapple99 · 28/12/2011 12:37

Yes, he is likely to be taken away, That isd an awful thing for the parents to cope with, but it sounds like it will be the end result anyway, either before of after he has done terrible harm to a defenless sibling.

secure homes should be pleasnat, homely, friendly, welcome visiters, and have a ruitene he might well feel more at home with, ...and be SECURE

tiredemma · 28/12/2011 12:38

is he under a CAMHS team?

SarahStratton · 28/12/2011 12:39

'Mummy was asleep on the grass for hours' after they had been gardening together and 'she said DN hit her head'.

Do you mean he knocked her out? Jesus, SS asap, this is a situation that is not going to end happily otherwise.

TheSmallClanger · 28/12/2011 12:40

If you witness any violence, call the police, who should then involve SS. At least with the police, intervention, albeit temporary, is swift and decisive.

Bloodymary · 28/12/2011 12:42

Oh how awful, I agree that SS should be aware. But he is 19 so can they do anything about him?
I suppose they will be looking at protecting the younger ones.

springboksaplenty · 28/12/2011 12:44

Sorry to be blunt and harsh and I understand you are here for support (but this is AIBU) but you're kidding right?? You and other adults know of children being physically harmed and hoping maybe possibly they (children) will have more courage than a bunch of adults and tell a teacher?! Because in that way you get to absolve yourself of any responsibility in standing up for these kids and protecting them.

I know its difficult and there's whole host of conflicting emotions and loyalties. I normally err on the side of trusting families to know their inner dynamics a bit better than an outsider, but in this case could you really honestly look yourself in the mirror if one of those kids ended up in hospital?

StarbuckIzzy · 28/12/2011 12:46

I can't believe your friend is asking you for advice! Why on Earth would she not report this behaviour to SS straight away, it's a bit of a no brainer really. Now you know about it I think you need to make that call and report it in case your friend doesn't. Imagine if he seriously injured one of the younger children or killed one- you'd feel
guilty knowing you did nothing.

Hulababy · 28/12/2011 12:47

It may be hard for the parents to see their eldest child taken away, but it will be far harder for all concerns if and when he seriously injures one of the younger children, or worse.

They are doing him no favours in protecting him in this way.

And they are contributing to the abuse of their younger children. They can't fail the younger children in favour of protecting the elder one. They all need keeping safe.

You can't sit back and do nothing. You must report this.

What will you do if one of these people are seriously hurt, you knew it was likely and you had done nothing?

Pagwatch · 28/12/2011 12:49

The siblings may well NOT have been told to keep quiet but say nothing because they love him and are also fearful that he will be taken away. The parents are probably hoping they can control/moderate his behaviours but have no mechanism for getting help without admitting how bad his behaviours are and losing him.
As much as he seems like an aggressive 6 foot problem to other people he is a child they love deeply and you only need a passing acquaintance with the horror stories about care for people with LDs/SN to recognize how worried they must be.

Of course your friend must report it. Expecting the children to speak up and risk breaking up their family is ridiculous.
The family need help and sympathy.
I understand how awful it must be and feel desperately sorry for them. But his violence is a deal breaker. I just wish I had any confidence that he will be treated with anything approaching kindness. Services are shit and getting worse.
But she must contact social services

Original poster
corygal · 28/12/2011 12:53

Yup, he knocked the mum out. Afterwards he felt awful, shaken and scared. He gets blind rages and loses it - the family claim there are 'triggers' but they don't come from the people he attacks, and no one is quite sure what they are exactly.

Crabapple (great name) - am I right in thinking that early intervention has a greater chance of success? My worry is the longer it goes on the lower his chances of returning to non-violent behaviour. I'm also worried the violence will get more frequent and more severe (for which he'd have to take up weaponry, I think he's already reached the limits of the human hand and foot).

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Original poster
corygal · 28/12/2011 12:57

I have called my friend to tell her to report it. Does anyone have an idea of what happens now?

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