to want my boyfriend to propose to me

[woahthere]

We have been together for 8 years. I love him very much. We have a lovely little boy together and he is a great father to my other 2 children. I am very very lucky, BUT, I wish that he would propose, we have discussed it and I know he is quite a quiet person and i have said that if we got married we could do it low key because i know he would hate the whole big shebang. AIBU to want to make it official. I feel let down that all of my friends, his brother etc are getting married and I still never get that feeling of joy of having been asked. Every special occasion I hope that he will ask me and he never does and secretly it really hurts.

Wonder if there are any women on here who's partners have been pestering them to get married for years but have so far refused?

Btw, I was myself once ideologically opposed to marriage as I said earlier in the thread, so I do understand that pov. I honestly have no problem at all if people want to remain unmarried - it's just that there is an awful lot of misinformation around regarding 'common law' spouses.

Sorry, posted too soon.

Some people (including some people I know irl) are going through life having children, owning properties together, assuming that they have the same legal protection as married couples and yet blissfully unaware that they do not.

Seeker, I'm very pleased that you have the necessary protection in place, but I know many who do not.

sweetlily,in nhs and local authority pensions can nominate cohabitee.just complete the relevant paperwork to make them beneficiary

given publiv sector and nhs is largest employer in Europe, well thats a fair few cohabitees can be beneficiaries

DH and I cohabited for a number of years as neither of us were interesting in marriage - but we weren't protected legally either (laziness not knowledge - lawyer and trainee lawyer so no excuse).

Four weeks after our daughter was born DH suffered a massive heart attack. Scared the bleeding wits out of me. Scared him too and he asked to marry him soon after - we got round to marriage a year later before we underwent major operations. Not the ideal of honeymoons I can tell you

Point is most people don't have legal protection if they are cohabiting but there are more rights if children are involved. However, even if you create legal documents as a cohabiting couple you won't be entitled to half of any pension and any jointly owned property won't automatically transfer to the girlfriend/boyfriend. There are reasons for this - mainly the Government doesn't want to undermine the value of marriage and so although there are certain provisions can be made, a cohabiting couple will never be able to access all the rights of married couples. It's just not legally possible.

However OP does want to get married and I think if she has a deep commitment with her DP then she should raise the conversation and explain to him that marriage is important to her - and basically explain that she does expect a proposal - it then opens channels for her DP to discuss it with her and she can finds out what he wants from their relationship. Good luck OP and others who are waiting.

Not all though.

That was some xpost!

Not all though was in answer to Scottishmummy of course.

Btw wills can deal with the issue of transfer of ownership of property but if the property is of a certain value it could be eligible for inheritance tax - something married couples avoid.

I am no way an advocator of marriage - having had a couple of serious cohabiting relationships. Marriage only became important to me when faced with the loss of a partner - that may not change others views but it changed mine.

nhs and local authority pension you can nominate unmarried partner as beneficiary. you simply complete form of intent

in scotland as joint tenants home passes to remaining nominated partner
on england become tenants in common to address property issues
make wills
notify GP and nhs of nok

and conversely some women dont want to get married or need to make ultimatums to get groom up aisle

is it really so incomprehensible that someone may not equate marriage with commitment, true love and zenith of relationship.

significantly if marriage means all those things to you, then yes. i am not anti marriage, i just dont want to be married

but it would be erroneous to assume your values ascribed to marriage are universally shared.they arent

Even being tenants in common won't mean that the half of the beneficiary estate will pass to the surviving partner - a will can cover this, but if the property is of value the surviving partner will be subject to inheritance tax.

Not sure on Scottish law though so will take your word that tenancy passes ove automatically.

Also not everyone is employed by NHS or LA. From memory I dont think policeman's pensions can be passed over without marriage - but again this was a while ago when I checked!

I don't think being married is ultimately superior tbh, I'm still not bothered by a couples marriage - more their commitment to one another. But cohabiting contracts et al are designed not to put you in the same place as a married couple - so as not to undermine married people. Just the way it is I'm afraid and although some legalities are in place to help I think some cohabities will struggle if they haven't dotted the i's and crossed the t's.

Reindeer: "the Government doesn't want to undermine the value of marriage, and so although there are certain provisions can be made, a cohabiting couple will never be able to access all the rights of married couples. It's just not legally possible."

Exactly.

We have everything in place legally. The thought of marriage makes me come over strange Dp asked me a few times years ago but its not for me and now he thinks like me. I can't bear the desperado element of wanting to be asked so much it upsets you. Ask him. He may not be into teh whole concept I,m not.

simply pointing out pension beneficiary can be unmarried. there is no blanket universal rule that it has to be married person

some, dont know how many private businesses let you nominate pension beneficiary as unmarried partner

If you have a good solicitor they can cover everything and you can add bits you specifically want

yes we paid top whack but got good advice and covered proprerty and finances

No-one is saying anyone should get married. But I agree that those who aren't seem curiously defensive about it. Who said anything about bended knees? And why are people ignoring the point about the other important legal issues which cannot be dealt with?

All I and others are doing is pointing out the legal position, and sympathising with the fact that OP is in a a relationship where one partner is not respecting the other's wishes, and it's making her unhappy. Those who aren't married seem incapable of acknowledging that she is entitled to feel any anxiety, which is frankly baffling.

The whole next of kin issue is a bit of a red herring tbh, yes there are ways of dealing with it but unless you actually do something about it, it could be a problem. Like everything else!

The OnePlusOne website gives an an excellent guide, please read it. As a broad summary, it tells us:

There a BIG differences in your position with regard to taxes, pensions, separation, leaving a will, and inheritance.

There are FEW differences in your position with regard to banking, debts, benefits and child support.

There are SOME differences with regard to immigration.

All you have to do is click on the headings and read:
www.oneplusone.org.uk/marriedornot/LegalOverview.htm

The whole point is surely that if you are married then the next of kin issue, along with all others, is automatically dealt with. And some cannot be dealt with by seeing a solicitor, even if you want to go down the route of chasing several pieces of paper rather than one.

scotland has survivorship destination e.g. a provision that means when one of them dies, their half of the house passes to the other. This happens automatically on death without the need for any intervention by the surviving joint owner or by a solicitor.

so if in Scotland you are joint tenant named on deeds and have the survivorship destination clause the home passes to you

Hi Noddy how you doing?

I believe Noddy you are in property? (poor memory I thought you weere but it might be someone else) your DP, unless in business with you and different contracts, would be in for some difficult tax issues if you left the properties to him, even being named as tenants in common. Pain in the arse - like you said, good solicitor (and accountant) and you should be okay.

Scottish - I'm studying family law at the moment and not all employers will let you name a beneficiary, some will only let it apply to marrieds, although I think it is good that more employers are getting in on the act.

I don't agree with the current stance on cohabitation - personally I think it should be an equal to marriage - if certain documents (like wills and NoK) are in place then it should be equal. But (according to my current manuals) the government still would prefer marriage as the ideal (mad bastards they are!) and as such cohabiting couples will be ineligible from certain rights due to the way the law works.

I hope Scottish law is different, and I would fully support anyone on this thread who wishes to have legal protection but not be married. If I'd been less of a procrastinator I would be beside you (it's just marriage was easier for us!).

woahthere There is light at the end of the tunnel. Im living proof!

We will be 10 years together this coming April. After about a year together on a very drunken night out DP proposed, but I was only 18y and he didnt have a ring so I told him to ask again when he had a ring.

After many years of excuses of why he hadnt bought a ring, 'claiming' to be anti-marriage, complaining about the costs, etc, etc, not wanting to be in the limelight, etc, not to mention 2kids together(dc2 is due on 01/01/12) he eventually proposed on Christmas Day!!

At various times we have planned the wedding, both budget and a big do. Right down to discussing the first dance and the guest list. We even picked out the venues for both budgets.
I got so frustrated and fed up with him taken soo long I started to look at rings myself. So he knew what kind of ring to go for I would copy pictures of rings on to the computer.

Obviously you know your OH better than we do, but if your sure he does want marriage then you need to have a proper conversation about what you both want from the wedding and from the marriage.

All the best x

Noddy - That's incorrect. No matter how good the solicitor he/she will not be able to priduce paper protection that affords the same protection and flexibility as marriage. Sorry.

Noddy - That's incorrect. No matter how good the solicitor he/she will not be able to produce paper protection that affords the same protection and flexibility as marriage. Sorry.

reindeer i didnt say all employers let nominate an unmarried, i said some, and its getting more common. i am alluding to it is not universally true that if unmarried, no pension beneficiary rights

NHS and local authority pensions you register and nominate an unmarried partner on completion of the documentation

its not as clear cut as some on here make it re: pensions.there is variability in provision